Friday, March 12, 2010
If I wasn't planning to head out of town this evening and stay the night at a friend's house, I would be just loving this snow. I think I'll be okay though because the roads are still clear and there are no flash-flood warnings. It's supposed to be nice in Chico this weekend and I really want to go to the Farmer's Market and buy whatever fresh veggies I can find. I just love the scent of lavender and there's a kiosk there that sells a lot of lavender-scented products, and I think I'll splurge on an item or two.
I'm eating so-so... staying on the healthy food track. One of the locum docs brought in his weekly Entemann's coffee cake thing, and I just didn't find it that attractive, so I didn't eat any. I was munching on some red-cabbage slaw that I made, with granny smith apple, caraway and flax seed, some balsamic vinegar and mayo, and seasonings. Yum! It was much more enticing than the coffee cake thing.
I'm going to make spanakopita this weekend. I use olive oil instead of butter for the filo layers; I think it tastes so much better that way.
The good news is that my scrubs continue to feel roomier and roomier when I dress in the morning. It's getting so I feel like I have to hoist them up all day, but part of that is that my undies feel like they're sagging, too. I haven't weighed lately because I keep forgetting to do it before I have my morning coffee. It's time though.
I've got Vit. D supplement on my shopping list. Can't hurt to try it out. I used to use sam-e, and it was pretty effective, but I had a sense of not caring about anything while taking it, and right now I need very much to stay caring about life and work and my dogs. I've started again with Dorian's accupuncture treatments. She doesn't like them but they do help with her back leg strength. She will see the neuro vet next Thursday for a check-up. I think he'll be very impressed with her progress. She will probably always be an incomplete paraplegic, but she's happy, healthy, and active, and still quite the entertaining character she always has been!
She's my reason to keep getting up every morning.
Anyway, I'm struggling onward and upward. I've come a far piece, no sense in giving up at this point.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
I've been sort of floating along these last few weeks. It's the usual - after the glow of impending success, comes the reality of daily vigilance, and sometimes I can wish I didn't always have to be vigilant. Well, there ain't no one else out there who is going to do the job for me.
The scale hasn't budged, really. A notch up, a notch down, the pendulum stops in the same spot. I can do better.
Depression is that way. I can't ever wake up one morning and say, "I don't have to do anything about it because it's all done". Every day I have to remember to take my vitamins, get my 15 minutes of sunshine, be outside and breathe. I have to always remember that that bit of junk food is the start of a vicious spiral downwards, because it always leads to desire for more junk.
Every day that I am at work, I have to control my emotions and my mouth. No matter what happens, what is said, how my name is dragged into the discussion of every problem that comes up, I have to remain above it all, because I don't have a choice.
No matter how tired I am in the evening, I can't not plan out what I will eat the next day. When I don't, I run into problems with being on time, with figuring out how to feed myself in a healthy way.
And I really, truly, fervently hate having to take call. This must change. It means a change in jobs, and I'm dragging my feet on that, but it has to happen.
I'll get to where I need to go. It doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as I move forward.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Good morning! It is. I am going to Reno today, to spend the day with the Girls, and none of us has two nickels to rub together right now. We're going to go window shopping, antiques browsing, and take all our collected change and play some slots. The biggest expenditure of course will be gas, and after that, the breakfast buffet wherever we happen to decide to go.
The stresses of working in a toxic environment are truly bringing me down, and I'm doing what I can to keep "them" from winning. I have more time at home now, and slowly I'm getting back to doing the daily housework chores of keeping order, and thereby keeping mental peace. It affects my attitude at work, and my coworkers have noticed that I'm calmer and not acting so much like I'm being railroaded out of my job. That part is still happening, and I'm trying very hard to 'not engage' as a friend at work keeps reminding me.
Funny part is, my coworkers think I'm kissing management ass just like they are, and one person in particular is reacting rather oddly to that perception. I'm just hanging in there until I find another job, and they all seem to think that I'm knuckling under. Anyway, the one coworker's reaction is to be even more nasty to me, but only when there are no witnesses. And that's fine. She's nobody I want to maintain any kind of relationship with, no matter how much she pretends to like me. When I'm the only person to talk to she'll start chatting about family and knitting and so on, unaware that all I can think of is how much of a loser she is, and how she's raising losers.
That's my revenge - my mind is my own!
So I want to talk about my niece. She's a sparkpeople member, and a fantastic person all 'round. I first met her when she was 6 months old and I was babysitting her so her parents could have a date night. I exclaimed "She is the most perfect baby ever!". She looked at me and started crying. Not just any ol' crying, but screaming in anger crying. Holy chorizo!
She's still perfect. Anyone who would like to challenge that, I will ask of them, "Can you be her as perfectly as she is her Self?" Of course the answer is always 'no', so, therefore, she is perfect.
After a nomad's beginnings, she pretty much grew up in a place that simply could never be a healthy place. I encouraged her once in a while to move out and move on, but she kept insisting that where she was was where she wanted to be. And that's okay. Unfortunately, I saw where she was headed, and it wasn't someplace good.
AFter some personal turmoil, she has, actually, moved out and moved on. The difference is tremendous. There's a light bulb that goes on over everyone's head after they've had to depend on themselves for 6 months, and it happened for my niece. If she listens to her inner voices, she will continue to grow and shine and be that beacon that others can see and they too will know... they can. Whatever it is that they wish for... they can.
I would like to say to her: Niece, you have inspired me, too.
Serendipity is my middle name.
Friday, February 12, 2010
I love the Winter Games. I love the snow and the cold and the shining hope on all the athletes' faces and in their performances.
Several years ago I took an assignment in Truckee, CA, where snow-sport athletes abound. The Emergency Room there has a "Wrist Fracture Hall of Fame" banner on the wall, and by the time the season ends for winter sports, there is no more space for folks to sign their names. I saw kids taking pictures and camcorder videos of each other, and for a long time I felt like they were some of the most stupid people on earth. Why do they celebrate accidents?
But time has a way of changing the mind, especially when the mind is being foolish.
It occured to me that whenever I brought one of those injured over for xrays, I rarely heard a whimper or a whine or a complaint or someone saying "I can't" when I needed them to position the injured part a certain way. They took these injuries in stride, par for the course, this is what happens in the Sport. Now, I am full of nothing but admiration and respect for all those young people who taught me something about the nature of humans, and about myself. I'm glad for the lesson of humility. I'm glad I had the chance to learn and to change for the better. These kids made me a better person. There were some who had very serious injuries - spinal fractures for instance, and yet... and yet.
So I watch the Winter Games with glee, with awe, and with the knowledge that these are not wimps, nor are they silly. When tragedy strikes, I mourn with the rest of the athletes for a fallen brethren, because I know what they feel. You buys the ticket, you takes the chance. There's the brass ring, grab it if you can, if you dare.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I resolve to not count calories or portion out the food that I eat. I resolve to eat when I am hungry and to eat what I want to eat, and to eat as much of it as I feel like eating. I resolve to give myself permission to eat. I resolve to feel good about eating.
I resolve to cook food with love. I resolve to love what I cook. I resolve to love what I eat, and to eat with love also.
I resolve to follow my natural diet, with common sense, knowledge, and courage. I resolve to continue to eliminate foods from my life that contain MSG, high levels of sodium, refined sugars of any kind, refined flours, refined anything. I resolve to eat as if I have been given gifts, because the earth gives me these gifts of nourishing foods, and I resolve to eat with thanksgiving and gratitude and with grace and blessing.
These things I resolve to do, every day.
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