Thursday, March 01, 2012
It's been some months since I have actively been here. I joined the compulsive overeaters team, but I have been learning something about myself that makes me question if there is any place for me on Sparkpeople. Perhaps I need to consider starting a team myself for those who are true OCD with food.
The team I joined equates compulsive overeating with binging, food addiction, etc. I believe that true compulsion, or OCD, is not about binging or addiction. OCD is a mental illness that manifests through repetitive behavior that the individual can not control, stop, or limit. If someone says, "I have to have chocolate every day" is that OCD? No, I do not believe that. Is it addiction? Possibly, but not OCD.
I think OCD doesn't differentiate between cake and broccoli, for instance. If there is a mound of broccoli on a plate, I will plow through that plate of broccoli until it's gone or I can not eat another mouthful of it. It's the same with a bag of potato chips or a pot of soup or a block of cheese - I don't seek out a specific food (trigger), and do not crave anything in particular. Food is all one to me. No, I won't go after asparagus or beets, but I don't like those foods no matter what, so no surprise there.
However, along with food addiction or binge behavior, I do need to dig deeper than the food, because this is not about food itself. Behavior is never about the manifestation, and always about the mind. When I was involved with Overeaters Anonymous, I found that the majority of any group's members weren't willing or perhaps able to make the changes that lead to a happier life. Most of the folks who were regulars at meeting had found a sanctuary and fellow life sufferers, and that became their new comfort zone. It's okay, we all need that, but it became unsupportable to me, and so I no longer go to OA.
I feel the same way about the compulsive overeaters team. I don't belong there. I know better than to think I can ever control portions or substitute whatever I'm compulsively eating for a food I won't eat compulsively because there is no food I won't eat compulsively. Compulsive eating is the only kind of eating I can do.
So, maybe it's my turn to start a team.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My father died on Sunday. He lingered after a stroke for 3 weeks before finally passing on. This event brought up a lot of feelings with me, but none of them particularly strong, at least not in a negative way. I don't feel like I've been cheated out of a chance to make things right, or that I will never have closure because I didn't forgive him for his wrongs, and so on. I don't believe in forgiving someone who refuses to admit that he did anything wrong at all. What is there to forgive if the man doesn't speak of his actions, therefore will not admit that he did them?
Then too, he had many, many years to come out to the world about his sickness and his past and all the wrongs he perpetrated on others. He chose to stay silent, and in that silence he chose the worst sort of life I can imagine - no joy, no friends, no love, only a television set where late at night he watched porn movies nonstop. That became his life for the last 30 years.
I've been doing a lot of talking in the last few weeks. I call it overanalyzing, but what I have been doing is getting all this stuff out of my body. I haven't binged, either, so I think I'm doing something right. I've let it all out to the cosmos, to the atmosphere, anywhere but stuffed back inside of me. My friends all say that whatever I do is the right thing, and not to do something because it's what I'm supposed to be doing. So I am on the right track, I'm in a good place inside my head.
I don't feel thwarted, either, that my father never got his comeuppance. What he did to himself makes everything else pale in comparison.
So, since I have 3 days of paid bereavement leave, I've embarked on a whole-house cleansing. I'm scrubbing, vacuuming, shampooing, washing, and all the windows and doors will be open to let in the air, and I don't care how hot it gets. I do appreciate that our weather right now is pretty mild!! When I've done the cleansing, then I'll light the cedar incense throughout the house to purify it, and then I'll do a traditional Japanese bathing ritual for my own spiritual cleansing. Old baggage, old dirt. Begone shadows, welcome light.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Just read part of a sparkmail about needing a team to lose weight because I "can't do it alone". I have to think about that. I've never belonged to a team that was supposed to be for support, only there was always the person who pushed and pushed - "You can do that extra few rounds!" "Don't give in to that piece of bread!" and so on. In other words, teams sometimes turn out to be bullies, and all in the name of "helping".
I didn't have a coach the entire years I was a runner. I did everything on my own. I joined Team in Training once but only went to about 3 of the training run sessions because out of 25 people, I was always by myself. I didn't feel like I was part of a Team. I felt like a stranger, a tagalong, an outsider not really welcome because everyone else was either there with their friends or they were loners and not interested in running with another person. Heck, I can do that all by myself, alone!
My "team" was the company in San Diego I got all my gear from, and that's pretty much it. I went through many kinds of shoes before I found the ones that worked best for me, and ran all kinds of distances before I found the one I enjoy the challenge of.
Today, I am jogging again. I started up about 3 weeks ago. Called my old company in San Diego and learned that they have exploded in their business, but they still have all my information on record, and it felt good to be welcomed back to their family. They are my team once again. I don't talk about it at work because of some peoples' attitudes of discouragement and ill will when they see me doing well in spite of the environment.
Last evening I decided it cooled down enough to take my dog for a walk, only when I went out to call for her, the little brat came trotting back from her own walk to wherever she'd got off to. Hmph, thought I. I'll just take a shower and go to bed and lie very still. But.
It didn't happen that way. I put on jogging clothes, did my stretches, put on shoes, drank water, and did my mile jog in the dark. I anticipate that next week will be a very full one and jogging will have to take a back seat, but when I can, I will, even if it's at 9:30 at night because that's when I can go. This weekend I am on call and will not be able to go jogging at all; the glove has been thrown down. I bought expensive shoes; I can't afford to waste money like that, so I need to make good on the purchase.
I guess, then, it's possible to be my own team when all I have is me to get me out the door.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I finally had enough extra money this payday to order a new pair of running shoes. Usually I also replace the manufacturer's insoles with better quality ones, but I couldn't afford them this time around.
My old running shoes are just that: old. I've been hauling them around with me for nearly ten years now, and that is just way too long for a person of my weight to use safely in a running program.
I'm getting back into a relationship with my gear company, the one in San Diego that I've ordered my stuff from exclusively for about 20 years now. Yes, the shoes were on sale, but yes they are my favorite running shoe brand ever, and yes they are appropriate for my size and weight and running needs. And yes, baby steps, one foot in front of the other, and my favorite chant while I'm huffing and puffing: run as fast as you can, and as slow as you have to.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"... being HEALTHY feels!"
There. I said it. I hate hate HATE that other, more popular statement. Absolutely hate it.
After all, how do you know how being thin FEELS? How do you know that YOU feel any better about YOURSELF if you're thin vs not thin? It's just another obsession in the closet waiting to rear its ugly head.
I've been slim, and I wasn't any happier then than I am fat. There were just other things to obsess over, worry about, stuff down.
So my goal is to be healthy, no matter what physical size I am. Slowly but surely, when I've accomplished all I can to be healthy, then the size will adjust to match the person I am becoming. And that part doesn't really matter, at this point.
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