Monday, February 07, 2011
I have had the flu (i think) for the past week. Totally incapacitated. Dead to the world, passed out in bed, achy, feverish, vomiting, no appetite, destroyed. I still have a bad cough from it, and haven't quite gotten my voice back.
The silver lining? I lost 3 pounds.
The home situation is still a bitch. The hubby and I haven't been fighting quite as much, but there is still a lot of stress. On the bright side, the living situation looks like it will be improving. We are moving next weekend. His boss is letting us stay in one of his rental houses. We don't even have to pay rent, just utilities. This will be a HUGE financial help, especially since we are going to be paying our car off in a week with our tax return. Not having that car payment hanging over our broke asses will be a huge weight off the shoulders.
Today my struggle is motivation. Not just for exercise, but for school. Last week I was totally out of it. Didn't do even 5 minutes of homework or studying. I AM SO BEHIND. If I don't get my shit together I am going to fail. LET THE PANIC ATTACKS BEGIN!
Every time I get on my computer and even LOOK at my school bookmarks I start to freak. I just shake and can't bring myself to even LOOK at the websites. I miss my zoloft so much right now. So I avoid. I cook. I take showers. I do laundry. I even EXERCISE. Yeah. Right now I am going to take another shower, shave the legs, and go for a run. You know I am freaking out about something when I would rather work out than do it.
I just want to be happy again. I want to have fun. I need something to look forward to. I know things are there, but this stress and depression and anxiety is blinding me. I need entertainment. I need a distraction.
And the icing on the cake? I was so sick this weekend that I had to miss my best friend's son's first birthday party. At the party he walked for the first time.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Well I have already fallen off the exercise wagon. I woke up with horrible chest congestion and a cough yesterday, which has of course developed into a sore throat today. Still super sore from Monday's workout too. So, needless to say, I talked myself OUT of going for my run yesterday morning. Last night we didn't get home until 9:30 and I still had dinner to make so we didn't do day 2 of P90X. I am trying to talk myself into doing it this afternoon, and then doing tonight's workout when we get home tonight. That may be too much, and I still am feeling quite shitty.
Now on to the living situation drama - We have been living with family since last July. A year ago I lost my job, was unable to find a new one that would work with my class schedule, so DH was nice enough to be the sole provider for a while. Financially, our bills got in the way of us staying on our own and we had to suck up our pride and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle. (Still paying rent though, so that sucks).
Well shit has really been going down in the house lately. My uncle is a recovering alcoholic, and has started drinking again. My Aunt left him earlier this month, and he tried turning things around and going to meetings again, and she eventually came back. Last night he got drunk again, so shit is falling apart again. She isn't sure whether or not she is going to leave or kick him out (that one gets my vote) or stay. Long story short, this is just like the drama and shit I grew up with and I am not going to stick around to deal with it. DH and I are moving the hell out, hopefully this week.
Our financial situation hasn't improved a lot, but it has gotten a little better. Credit cards are paid off and with our tax return this year we will be able to get the car paid off, so that is a lot more money that we will have each month. So hopefully we will be able to scrimp and save and be able to afford this place that we are moving into. I am excited to move, to have our own place again.
There is a downside though...
1. There is no dishwasher. I am not sure how to live without a dishwasher. I have nightmares about it.
2. It is still pretty far out of the way from where our work and friends are. It is out in the country a bit, and I am not looking forward to the school commute, and the work commute if I EVER FIND A DAMN JOB.
3. It is the bottom floor of a house. and the landlord lives above us. Potential for awkwardness. However, a friend of ours rents a shop on her property and has nothing but good things to say about her as a landlord, so hopefully it will work out.
4. Not sure if I will be able to get good internet out there. As a person who is taking 17 credits online right now for college, I need me some good internet!
5. THERE IS NO DISHWASHER!
6. You know that friend of ours who rents the shop on the property? Yeah, we kind of have a bit of history. As in, I may have had a bit of an affair with him. DH does not know this. I know, I know... I am a horrible person. Ugh.
So these are my concerns... but it isn't looking like we have much of an option right now.
On the bright side, each day we are one day closer to the weekend. My best friend is having a 1st birthday party for her son on Saturday, and Sunday is the superbowl. It should be a weekend of good times and glasses of wine. And I could really use that glass of wine...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I am back. I will not go into detail about the excuses for where I have been and how I gained back all the weight. The important thing is I am back.
The hubby and I are starting P90X together... today January 30th. I will be attempting to blog each day of my workout to track my journey, both physical and emotional.
So here is the plan:
Start:January 30th 2011
Est. Finish for my 1st cycle: week of April 10th, 2011
(will be starting P90X classic after my cycle of Lean is done... hopefully...)
I will also be (re)starting C25K on monday, with my first race already scheduled for MAY! (eep)
Here's to a new me by my 30th Birthday in August!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I can't help but be mad at myself. I was doing so well - down to the 170's, confident, running, and almost happy. Then "Life" happened and I fell off. I lost my job, my insurance, and my meds. Losing my meds was the hardest part. It has been almost a year now and I feel like I am drowning in a pit of my own dispair. I am trying to climb out, but it is so hard. Every day is a struggle lately.
I just need to keep trying - put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Make better choices in my daily life. I just can't give up on myself again.
I am up to 210 pounds again. My highest weight. I won't be here for long, I will be back in one-derland before you know it. Time to get moving.
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