DORANEI8   12,600
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Silver Lining

Monday, February 07, 2011

I have had the flu (i think) for the past week. Totally incapacitated. Dead to the world, passed out in bed, achy, feverish, vomiting, no appetite, destroyed. I still have a bad cough from it, and haven't quite gotten my voice back.

The silver lining? I lost 3 pounds.

The home situation is still a bitch. The hubby and I haven't been fighting quite as much, but there is still a lot of stress. On the bright side, the living situation looks like it will be improving. We are moving next weekend. His boss is letting us stay in one of his rental houses. We don't even have to pay rent, just utilities. This will be a HUGE financial help, especially since we are going to be paying our car off in a week with our tax return. Not having that car payment hanging over our broke asses will be a huge weight off the shoulders.

Today my struggle is motivation. Not just for exercise, but for school. Last week I was totally out of it. Didn't do even 5 minutes of homework or studying. I AM SO BEHIND. If I don't get my shit together I am going to fail. LET THE PANIC ATTACKS BEGIN!

Every time I get on my computer and even LOOK at my school bookmarks I start to freak. I just shake and can't bring myself to even LOOK at the websites. I miss my zoloft so much right now. So I avoid. I cook. I take showers. I do laundry. I even EXERCISE. Yeah. Right now I am going to take another shower, shave the legs, and go for a run. You know I am freaking out about something when I would rather work out than do it.
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I just want to be happy again. I want to have fun. I need something to look forward to. I know things are there, but this stress and depression and anxiety is blinding me. I need entertainment. I need a distraction.

And the icing on the cake? I was so sick this weekend that I had to miss my best friend's son's first birthday party. At the party he walked for the first time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 2/8/2011 9:40AM

    Patience sweety... journal, do you?

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Drama Drama Drama...

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Well I have already fallen off the exercise wagon. I woke up with horrible chest congestion and a cough yesterday, which has of course developed into a sore throat today. Still super sore from Monday's workout too. So, needless to say, I talked myself OUT of going for my run yesterday morning. Last night we didn't get home until 9:30 and I still had dinner to make so we didn't do day 2 of P90X. I am trying to talk myself into doing it this afternoon, and then doing tonight's workout when we get home tonight. That may be too much, and I still am feeling quite shitty.

Now on to the living situation drama - We have been living with family since last July. A year ago I lost my job, was unable to find a new one that would work with my class schedule, so DH was nice enough to be the sole provider for a while. Financially, our bills got in the way of us staying on our own and we had to suck up our pride and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle. (Still paying rent though, so that sucks).

Well shit has really been going down in the house lately. My uncle is a recovering alcoholic, and has started drinking again. My Aunt left him earlier this month, and he tried turning things around and going to meetings again, and she eventually came back. Last night he got drunk again, so shit is falling apart again. She isn't sure whether or not she is going to leave or kick him out (that one gets my vote) or stay. Long story short, this is just like the drama and shit I grew up with and I am not going to stick around to deal with it. DH and I are moving the hell out, hopefully this week.

Our financial situation hasn't improved a lot, but it has gotten a little better. Credit cards are paid off and with our tax return this year we will be able to get the car paid off, so that is a lot more money that we will have each month. So hopefully we will be able to scrimp and save and be able to afford this place that we are moving into. I am excited to move, to have our own place again.

There is a downside though...
1. There is no dishwasher. I am not sure how to live without a dishwasher. I have nightmares about it.

2. It is still pretty far out of the way from where our work and friends are. It is out in the country a bit, and I am not looking forward to the school commute, and the work commute if I EVER FIND A DAMN JOB.

3. It is the bottom floor of a house. and the landlord lives above us. Potential for awkwardness. However, a friend of ours rents a shop on her property and has nothing but good things to say about her as a landlord, so hopefully it will work out.

4. Not sure if I will be able to get good internet out there. As a person who is taking 17 credits online right now for college, I need me some good internet!

5. THERE IS NO DISHWASHER!

6. You know that friend of ours who rents the shop on the property? Yeah, we kind of have a bit of history. As in, I may have had a bit of an affair with him. DH does not know this. I know, I know... I am a horrible person. Ugh.

So these are my concerns... but it isn't looking like we have much of an option right now.

On the bright side, each day we are one day closer to the weekend. My best friend is having a 1st birthday party for her son on Saturday, and Sunday is the superbowl. It should be a weekend of good times and glasses of wine. And I could really use that glass of wine...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 2/2/2011 2:48PM

    Oh goodness darling, that's a LOT!!!!!

Read this blog about the wagon: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=3841637

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LILWASPUD 2/1/2011 3:50PM

    I meant to click on a friend's blog in the little scrolling list, but must have hit yours instead. Wow, girl! You definitely have a bit of drama there. I'd have to say, though, it sounds like this new living situation definitely has more perks than your current one. Not having a dishwasher sucks, I'll give you that, as I've been there, done that. BUT, look at the bright side...dishwashing by hand actually burns calories! That longer commute might not be so bad, either. I actually enjoy my commute every day, especially on the way home. It gives me time to unwind a little before I get there. As for the rest of your dilemna, well, that's something you and only you can chose how to deal with.

Don't beat yourself up if you can't get your extra P90X workout in, though. Giving yourself time to get well is the important thing. That video is still going to be there in a few days.

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P90X Day 1

Monday, January 31, 2011

The hubby and I started P90X today, and Core Synergistics is just as annoying as I remembered. Damn those Dreya rolls! I will be sore tomorrow. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.
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(remind me tomorrow as i go for my run that i said that...)

So we did our taxes today and found out we are getting A LOT more back than we expected... with me not working all year plus the credit for my tuition we should be getting enough back to pay off the car, which will be a huge weight off our shoulders. Hopefully we will be able to move somewhere with a month. I can't wait for that - living with family has NOT BEEN PLEASANT. Especially as you approach 30, it is not only miserable but also embarrassing to have to live with family. I need my space and alone time - living with the hubby is hard enough without bringing in family drama.

Let's just hope we can find a place we can afford, i can find a part time job, and it's a ground floor unit so all the jumping for the plyometrics workout doesn't piss off the neighbors too much!

So tomorrow: first day of C25K and second day of P90X...

  


Today is the day!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I am back. I will not go into detail about the excuses for where I have been and how I gained back all the weight. The important thing is I am back.

The hubby and I are starting P90X together... today January 30th. I will be attempting to blog each day of my workout to track my journey, both physical and emotional.

So here is the plan:

P90X Lean
Start:January 30th 2011
Est. Finish for my 1st cycle: week of April 10th, 2011
(will be starting P90X classic after my cycle of Lean is done... hopefully...)

I will also be (re)starting C25K on monday, with my first race already scheduled for MAY! (eep)

Here's to a new me by my 30th Birthday in August!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOUTHERNYANKEE 1/30/2011 8:54AM

    Welcome back! emoticon

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JOAN_HEO 1/30/2011 8:28AM

    Sometimes starting on the journey is the hardest part! You have owned up so let the getting fit begin. Good luck! YOU can do this!

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HDHAWK 1/30/2011 8:07AM

    Good luck! I've just started over too after gaining most of the weight back. emoticon

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ANEPANALIPTI 1/30/2011 8:02AM

    woot! have fun, good luck, and keep us updated! :D

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It is good to be back...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I can't help but be mad at myself. I was doing so well - down to the 170's, confident, running, and almost happy. Then "Life" happened and I fell off. I lost my job, my insurance, and my meds. Losing my meds was the hardest part. It has been almost a year now and I feel like I am drowning in a pit of my own dispair. I am trying to climb out, but it is so hard. Every day is a struggle lately.

I just need to keep trying - put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Make better choices in my daily life. I just can't give up on myself again.

I am up to 210 pounds again. My highest weight. I won't be here for long, I will be back in one-derland before you know it. Time to get moving.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIFER124 12/22/2010 2:53PM

    welcome back!!! you are continuing this journey - not really starting over..come back each day even if its for a couple of minutes to read a blog.. my biggest and "baddest" tool is tracking my nutrition and fitness emoticon

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HDHAWK 12/21/2010 6:23PM

    Glad you're back on SP! You'll get back down again. I'm in the same place, but we can do it!

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ANEPANALIPTI 12/21/2010 6:11PM

    GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL of COURSE I REMEMBER YOU! HOW COULD I FORGET YOU? We started SP at the same time!!!

I got the email of your blog update and had this page open to comment before I went to shower !

WELCOME BACK you were missed, I've been thinking about you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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