Thursday, September 29, 2011
I've just gone through the most stressful week, possibly of my life. I had two huge essay exams to write (about 30 essay questions total, with tons of research to go for them, to do in a week), along with a third exam to study for. At the same time, my BF moved in with me over the weekend, and we were completely unprepared. Basically, we spent the last week eating take-out (trying to be pseudo-healthy with it), drinking soda, and not sleeping nearly enough. Somehow, probably through stress, I somehow lost a pound. I had a melt-down, though, because in the last month, I'd gained a lot of weight and only lost one pound, while the BF lost 23.
Let me say that again: 23!!!
I'm super happy for him, but I freaked out with super sadness and we had an awful day, because in trying to make me feel better, BF kept making me feel worse. Eventually I got over it enough to remember that it's completely normal for men to lose weight at a super increased rate comparatively to women. I've just never done this with a male partner before. It's always been with a female friend or my mom. It's also rough because he doesn't let things go long enough for me to be sad for a few minutes and get over it. He immediately jumps down my throat with "be happy, be happy, be happy" that I end up getting mad at him, and even more mad at myself.
Anyway, I have one point of victory, even though the week completely sucked, and I didn't do well food wise. Under all this incredible stress, I didn't smoke even one cigarette! (harder than it seems when BF still smokes, and I have to walk through huge clouds of it leaving campus three days a week)
Academic victories, too. I got an 88% on one exam (highest grade in the class!!), and a 96% on another. Woohoo!! No grades up for the third yet, and I have my last midterm tomorrow. I'm not worried about that one at all, though. Also still unpacking BF's stuff and trying to make the apartment a livable home. Part of the reason that we've been doing take-out so much is because after moving all his stuff in, we literally couldn't get into the kitchen to cook. It's getting a lot better, though, as I'm unpacking stuff and getting it all onto shelves.
BF and I had a food discussion the other day, and I gave him an ultimatum. Basically, I said that if he was living with me full time, and actually worried about me being diabetic, that he has to start eating healthier and stop enabling me. He works part-time at a bakery, and brings stuff home from there all the time. He's agreed, but I don't think that he realizes how difficult it actually is in the beginning. Worse off, I don't expect it to last long, if he was serious in his agreement. We'll work it out eventually, though. We're trying to figure out how to afford to save money for an exercise bike at the moment. I have no idea where it'd go, but I like the idea. Some days I ache so much after doing TaeBo or a BL video that I can't physically do it again for days. It's really discouraging, so we're trying to figure out ways to do cardio until I build up enough leg strength that I can consistently do those videos.
I really do want to do this. I'm just...not terribly encouraged right now. I'm working on it, though. Hopefully inspiration will come soon.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Warning: this blog is completely muddled, and pretty much a stream-of-consciousness. I promise they'll be better in the future.
My summer of becoming healthy (obviously) was a failure. It was an awesome summer, don't get me wrong. I didn't become nearly as healthy-making as I'd wanted. My mental health has (though not perfectly) greatly improved, however, and at times I think that is more important than the physical aspects. At the same time, I relapsed on smoking yet again over the summer, and am now 4 weeks smoke-free again. With that came an extra 15 pounds, as of Wednesday. I had seen in myself that I'd gained weight, but I was truly afraid to see how much I'd gained until a couple of days ago. There are a possibility of many things causing the gain, though.
Yes, I stopped tracking. I thought that I was doing okay because my BF and I eat relatively healthily, and we've been lifting weights for a few months now. Turns out, I was totally wrong. I tracked today for the first time since May, and realized that I had stopped paying attention to drinks completely. I drank a cappuccino today, because I barely slept last night and I was super late this morning and exhausted. Tracking it, I saw that it was an extra 400 calories in my breakfast.
Of course, I've known all along that things like convenience store cappuccinos are full of sugar; it just didn't occur to me how much. (It should since those things are delicious and don't taste at all like coffee, but we all like to trick ourselves).
I've decided, though, that I have to do this, once and for all. It hit me like a punch in the face earlier this week, because my BF told me he is afraid I'm diabetic. I've been having wicked mood swings, and my mood is quickly leveled by eating. This scares me, because the one thing I told myself when I started trying to lose weight (4 years ago) was that I'd never get to the point of being diabetic. I'm in a situation now, where my BF and my mom want me to get blood sugar tests, and I'm terrified to see the numbers. I know I have to do it, though. I need to know for certain, especially because if my blood sugar isn't the problem with the mood swings, I really need to find out what is.
So here it goes. I'm going to take the next week (possibly two, if I really need it) to really get back on track with my food. I have a plan that throws into play such necessities as eating breakfast, writing grocery lists, cooking at home, and dealing with eating left-overs. (that was a HUGE problem over the summer) I am also going to start doing cardio regularly. BF and mom think that the weight lifting contributes greatly to my weight gain, but I think it's more to do with the lack of cardio, combined with eating like I was still doing cardio.
It's going to be rough, but I need to do this. I need to fight through the cravings and tears and stress and stop tricking myself into thinking it's okay for me to be this obese. What a dirty word that feels like...but I need to start being honest with myself. I am obese. In fact, according to the BMI, I am morbidly obese. Being fat enough that it can kill you isn't okay for anyone. Someone asked me kind of recently if I thought that I was killing myself slowly because I am too chicken to do it "fast and dirty." I never thought of it that way before, and I almost fear that somewhere inside me, it's the truth. I've been suicidal before, but always had something to keep me from going through with it. At the same time, those are the points where I really self-destruct and go on binges, stop exercising and start smoking all over again.
I can't do this anymore. It's time for some real change. I can't continue this slow suicide. Time to get real, and get healthy.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I decided that, instead of back-pedalling, I'd start a shiny-new Sparkpage. In the last several months, things got complicated and very mucky in my life, and I'd rather leave that stuff behind, start clean and new. I could re-start all my tickers and trackers, but why back-pedal when it's so easy to start over?
This has become something that is truly important to me. I think that it's because I'm not doing it for anyone else anymore. And I mean *any*one else. I'm not going to lose for aesthetic reasons, purely health reasons. I want to increase my quality of life, and I know that losing will help me do that. This has come to me in the last 10 days or so, because I had a tonsillectomy.
I never thought that having two little balls of flesh removed from my throat would so change my outlooks on things. I'm realizing, though, that I have to look at the fat like my tonsils: ineffective/hindering flesh that needs to be removed. Now, I'm not saying I'm going the drastic route. In fact, I'm doing quite the opposite. Here is my ultimate goal:
I will lose 100 pounds by January 8, 2014. That is my 25th birthday. I figure, I've gone 22 years this (relatively) big, so I can wait a couple more years to get to my goal weight/fitness level. I think that doing it over such a long period will make it easier for me, in the long run, to keep it off and stay healthy. I've come to realize in the last week that there are a few things I've continuously lied to myself about for...I don't know...years?
1) I can live comfortably eating small meals.
2) People will not be mad at me if I'm not finished eating when they are
3) Eating alone isn't so bad
4) Water feels really good as a beverage
5) Water *tastes* good.
In the last week, I've lost about 12 pounds, having absolutely NO physical activity. I've drank (almost) entirely water because flavored/colored stuff burns my surgical site. When I eat, I eat very slowly because I have to chew everything into mush. Not only does this make food less enjoyable, it gets boring really fast. I've realized, though, that I never really got hungry in the first few days, and now 10 days later I feel hungry but I seem to fill up fast. This is an AWESOME realization. I also had an epiphany today, that living alone (which begins Sunday) is going to be great for me. I won't have anyone to enable me, and I'll have to do the grocery shopping myself. I would get so angry at myself, all the time, if I had to open my cabinets and find wasted money in there. I mean, what is eating for, besides sustaining yourself? I could sustain myself on ice cream and mac 'n' cheese if I *had* to, but who the hell would choose to? Therefore, what's the point in buying it in the first place? If I really want ice cream, I'll have a protein shake, or eat a protein-dense meal and have an ice pop. I know that for me, it's usually the act of eating something cold and creamy that makes me want ice cream. (that was a rant--sorry)
Anyway, you might wonder why I set my goal for so far away? People on Spark have lost 100 pounds in one year before. Why give myself 2-1/2? Isn't that just more time to fall off the wagon?
Well, like I said before, I've been like this forever, so driving myself crazy to meet a goal that I think is too close is just going to be distructive. I know I can do this in 2-1/2 years, and I can do it leisurely. I think I'm far more likely to keep the weight off later if I've been doing it for a long time before reaching my goal. For me, the next year is going to be about consistency. I'm not even going to worry about strict calorie-counting until June 1, 2012. Here's why: I've already shown myself that I can eat small meals and healthy food. I know the difference in feeling when my stomach *needs* something, rather than when my brain craves something and tells my stomach to need it. I never need ice cream. I often need chicken (or any other protein source). If I need another piece of chicken, I'll eat it. If I need an ice cream cone, I'll get an ice pop or drink a bottle of water or go for a long walk to somewhere that I can get ice cream. And I'll take the dog, so I can't take the bus back.
Anyway, consistency. I want to consistently be off cigarettes, drinking water, eating healthily, and exercising/being active before I throw anything restrictive into the mix. I don't want to worry about eating a huge salad if I want a huge salad. I don't want to worry about taking measuring spoons to a restaraunt if I'm not comfortable even finding healthy options yet. I don't want to have a "real" workout plan when I'm not even used to working out. Here's why this is so important: I tend to over-do things, every time I start something new. Instead of jumping for the stars, I'm going to plant a seed. When I have a flush vegetation next year, I'll start farming. For now, being back and being willing is enough for me.
Here's to new beginnings!
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