Thursday, March 04, 2010
After an amazing weekend (it literally changed my life forever) and two trips to the sushi bar that is a minute's walk from my new apartment I am feeling really great. I am not moved in yet, but the prospect of living and working and going to church and the grocery all within a 5 minute walk is incredibly exciting. The Y is a mile away (and that is going to be my c25k starter) and with this one little weekend my life became so much less complicated.
It's a long time coming. In my life I have made decisions that led to messes and I didn't have the equipment to extract myself from them as easily or arrogantly as I had rushed into them. But now the tide has turned, FINALLY.
It has taken a long time for me to accept them as bad decisions and not just bad luck or God punishing me for some obscure and unknowable reason (so lame, so lame) and just turn around and go the other way -- you know, sometimes you spend so much time and energy on proving you didn't make a mistake? That is just hubris, out-of-the-box seven-deadly-sins pride, but it becomes an obsession to some how make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Of course nobody knows anything about that kind of stubborn foolishness but me, right?
Anyway, all the sudden my life is showing all the signs of having made a different decision and wow, it feels good. It doesn't feel like I have horrible luck or God is punishing me anymore -- interesting how that worked, isn't it?
Now I feel as if I am "blessed and highly favored of the Lord" and that ain't just words to cover up a crap reality. And I am diggin' this, really diggin' it.
And I am not shoving food in my mouth like I am starving or storing up for winter.
Wow. Humans are complex creatures. Who can sort one out?
I was having no luck, but I am so glad that I found Someone who could.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
First Tuesday of the month is Family Fast Day -- a day to fast (no rules, the heart knows what to fast from -- food, coffee, sugar, bread.. some eat only veggies, it's the act of fasting and not what is fasted from that matters) and devote time to praying for family and families. My prayer buddy Kathy started this several months ago as a way to keep her family connected to each other and to the Source of Life and Truth.
It has grown now, and there are a lot of people who have chosen to join the fast. Everyone has their own reasons, the longings of their own hearts for their families. It has changed things in our families, but also in us. My feelings for my family have grown less frantic and more settled, as it dawns on me that this One who hung the universe has Got This regarding my little concerns too.
For me it is also a day to contemplate my portion -- how the things that have been the most painful have also been the pivotal things, the wake-up calls that have led to stark and meaningful changes for the better in me. I consider and give thanks, acknowledging that the things that have best fed me spiritually have not been the things I wanted but they were good for me, and eventually I grew to crave different things, things that made me fit and strong. I take today to put self-pity far away from me, knowing that self-pity is junk food at its worst.
Today I look at what feeds me and pray for my family to also be fed well, better than I could feed them, better than I could ever know how to. Today I am grateful for a Father who is not indulgent of me or my loved ones, but He is always concerned for what will make me fit for the answer to my prayers, even if it means listening to me scream and fight Him.
Today is a day to stop struggling against His hand of discipline, open my eyes to the goodness that He has portioned out for me, and accept it. I am better for my family that way. I am better for the world around me that way. I am better for myself, not as hungry for things to fill a hole that food can't fill.
Happy Family Fast Day. I pray for your families, too, that you will be filled with good things, that you will see your good portion, really see it, in a way that will feed you and satisfy you.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I am entering into weight loss without a scale.
Is that not a good idea?
I went out to buy one yesterday and decided not to, not yet.
Am I rebelling, or am I onto something? Am I lame? Am I a forerunner, a pioneer?
Yes to all the above. But clothes feel better after a week, and I do too. I am going to keep on keping on until I see a reason to change my track.
Walked my butt off the last two days, not on purpose. Ran like a crazy person to catch the train -- I learned to run running for the train -- didn't realize that if I shifted my weight and let go of my hips I would be actually doing it. Who knew?
I am going to have a great day!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Today I am going to officially start writing down everything I eat. On one level it seems really self-absorbed, but on another level it seems like for the first time I can actually admit what I am eating and that seems like a good choice. For some reason it all the sudden I am giving up self-absorption and going on to making choices that allow me to forget me and go onto something that matters more than me. This is a turn the corner day. As was yesterday.
Whoa, ps --
Today, last thing before I left to go home, the little girl came -- with the cookies. THE GIRLSCOUT COOKIES
Somehow, I have no idea how -- I didn't eat any.
I'm afraid of them -- I know if I eat one it will be a box.
Gave them to my housemate to take to work.
Out of sight, out of mind. Day two of feeling in control. This is addictive.
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