Monday, March 23, 2009
Well, another day. I really am thankful I have another day. I do not want to start the day off negativity. My sweet husband took me riding yesterday. We rode all day. I'm trying to come off of the medicine the Dr's. gave me for allergies. I am real nervous. I kept feeling like cars were coming at us, getting too close, a car passing us startled me. He went on the back roads where it would be more peaceful and it was. Everything turning green, the wild flowers blooming. In the middle of the woods you would run up on the most beautiful places. I reckon a lot of people like to get out to themselves. We live in the country ourselves and we love it. We were both raised in the city and the change really did us good.
I must proceed. I had read that some medicines would really hinder your weight loss and I have been fighting to lose since I started with all these allergies, last year. I had got down to 230 last May and then the allergies started and all the different medicines they tried to help me with. Some of it I could not take. I looked back in my diary and since last May I have bounced from 230 to 270 back and forth. I probably could blame the weight on a lot of things but I must admit I am the only one putting it in my mouth. I want to get off all medicines except my hormone cream, I'm not giving that up. I still over ate yesterday.
I had a double cheeseburger for lunch. I know why didn't I have a single. Then we ate supper at a chinese place. I overate and ate ice cream, sugar nuts, cheese cake. I know why didn't I just eat chicken and vegetables. We got home I ended up eating cookies, sweet popcorn and candy. I did not have a pill in me. Why did I feel the need to keep eating? Its like I never get satisfied. Well this is another morning, another day. I will try to do my best today. I am taking a break between my treadmill and weights with a cup of black coffee. This is totality rambling but for some reason it seems it is helping me.
I could not believe the response I got from blogging. Thank you all for caring, the fussing the encouragement the reaching out and letting me know there are other people that are going through this too. I have got to stop and go exercise. I will ramble more later. Thank again for caring.
well I made it through my weight lifting. I am trembling real bad, probably the medicine leaving my system. I fixed me 1/4 of egg beaters and a small tortilla, 50 calories, and another cup of coffee. I've got to fix something for lunch. My husband will be home for lunch. I'll probably fix him something in wraps. Wow I feel like I'm tripping. I feel real hyper, more than usual. I hate any kind of medicine. I like to have a clear head, well as clear as mine will ever get. I will do my bike riding after lunch, cook something wholesome for supper, straighten up the house, play with the dogs, blog some more. You know I never would do this. I was afraid people would think I was strange if I just let it flow. It had to be perfect. You know stiff and not real. Well I'm liking this so I'm just going to blog away. I'm not perfect. I will never be. But that's okay. Maybe I just need to relax, be myself, ever who that is. You know here I am an older person and I still not sure who I really am. I was always taught you have to be a certain way, don't put your hands on your face or fiddle with your hair, be a certain weight or you are not loved, etc. I need to stop that train of thought.!! I am a grown woman and I can be myself. I know I am a good wife, mother, grandmother and friend. I care about people and I show it. I want to lose this extra weight for me not because it will make me popular, loved more or whatever. I need to do it for me and my health. You know when I am eating healthy, counting my calories, exercising, I feel like I'm in control. I feel confident, brave, sure of myself, don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I love the way I feel. I wonder why I get off track the benefits really out weigh any sweets I could eat. I hate myself when I zone out and eat a bunch of junk. And that's what I do, zone out. Its like I am somewhere else watching myself pig out and can't stop it. I just kind of feel numb, no feelings at the moment. I know what I am doing is wrong but I do it anyway. I reckon if I could figure out why I do what I do I would be rich because I know I have heard other people say the same things. I went to OEA for a while a few years back and a lot of people have the same problems. It helped me for awhile and then I started seeing things I did not like, people sneaking off to meet other people, more of a gossip time than anything else, sharing diet pills, you name it, it was going on. I really wanted help not get involved in stuff like that. Now I have to be fair there was some there that wanted help too and they dropped out also. I've tried weight watchers, you name it I think I have tried it. I think Spark has helped more than anything else. I think maybe because I am learning to be myself and share me with other people. I have always been hurt when I let my guard down, parents, husbands, friends, pastors. I am trying to learn to just be me and to handle anything that is not pleasant, handle it, not run away. I have always run away either behind weight or withdrawing from people, over reading, over watching tv, over exercising. I think I am a compulsive person. It seems like everything I do I do too much. I just need to find what it means to moderate my life. I don't know if that is what I'm trying to say but you know get a grip and just don't overdo anything. I find I am blogging too much too. Oh well what's new.
I finally did my biking for 36 minutes. Its a recumbent bike and I can program it for all kinds of neat workouts. I had a healthy lunch. I've had a healthy supper and I will have some plain air popped popcorn tonight for a snack.
I seem like I'm not as nervous this evening as I was this morning. Getting off medicine is awful. I hope getting my system clean of all medicines and get back to just eating healthy foods and exercising will get me back on track.