Thursday, July 01, 2010
“Why do I allow others to sabotage my efforts?” That was the first thought I had as I woke up this morning. Let me tell you a little story.
I had a very rare opportunity yesterday. I didn’t have to work. I didn’t have plans. I didn’t have to do anything. So what did I do? Nothing. Literally. Looking back, I should have actually done something. Even though I didn’t exercise, I stayed within my calorie range. It was not a horrible day until Jeff came home.
“This is the last day of the month. My last day- ‘to cheat’. I just want some junk food.” He said.
This is what started the whole thing. Why if he wanted to ‘cheat’, did that equal me needing to ‘cheat’? So as our car pulled into Iceberg (a local burger/malt joint) - I found myself thinking, “What should I order?” An unfortunately sad- yet, natural- reaction to a drive-thru window. It was a long line.
As we sat and waited for our turn he was asking me, “What do you think is better? Orange/Marshmallow? Or Vanilla/Reeses Peanut Butter Cup?”
It’s like that flipped the crack head in my mind- “I need it! I want it! It’s so good! Banana split? No- Hot Fudge Sundae! No- Swirl Cone!”
So we got closer to the window and I tell him- “I want a banana split, with marshmallow, caramel and chocolate.”
No sooner were the words out of my mouth that I started to have doubts. It’s like the little cartoon where you have the Angel and the Devil- one on each shoulder. I knew the right decision. I knew what I should do. But the evil devil sugar loving crack head in me was saying- “It is okay. This will be the last time”. How many last times have there been? Let’s just say I would be a multi-billionaire if I had just one nickel for each time. That thought is just sad. It is very sad to me. I can’t believe how stupid I have been. So finally as we get the ‘Welcome to Iceberg’ greeting- the Angle in me kicks in!
I tell Jeff immediately- “Nevermind! I don’t want anything.”
He looked at me- “Are you sure?” he said with doubt.
“YES!” I said very clearly.
Did he listen? NO! He ordered me the Banana Split anyway. I was angry. But the fat girl in me was happy that I get to eat ice cream. So I ate it.
Why? Why? Why? Why did I give in?
This is what I have learned from the experience. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke- I eat horrible things. I’m a junk food junkie! Junk food is my drug- my addiction.
So if I were an alcoholic, could I still have just a taste of alcohol? Well the logical answer is- NO! So why would I allow myself a taste of the garbage that is poisoning my body? Literally- my weight is killing me. Each day it is killing me and nobody can stop it but me.
Thank you for reading my story… I know it is long and it’s not often that I write a really long blogs like this. So if you read it all- LOVE YOU! And sorry!
On a happier note- today has been simply fabulous! I got up feeling cramps from TOM and the heat…. it is so HOT here today. But I didn’t let it stop me. I went for my 3 mile walk/jog. I am very proud of how much I actually jogged today. I did my normal trail in 60 minutes- opposed to my normal 70 minutes. I have stayed within my calories. I have not eaten any junk. All healthy wonderful things! I even said ‘NO’ to that evil voice in my mind- that said I should stop by Starbucks and get an iced coffee. Instead I pulled into the gas station and got a Fiji Water. Go Me!!!!
I don’t know how to explain it- it’s almost like I had a switch flipped today in my mind. I am really feeling this lifted weight and clarity. Strange! And loving it!