The power to make my life magic

Friday, June 27, 2008

Today, I reached a magic number.

It wasn't one of my main goals, in fact it was just a simple mini goal. I actually reached it a few days ago, but waited to see if it was real. I can't tell you why this number is magic. I can't tell you why my mind chose this number to matter so much. But I CAN tell you what it has done.

I have now lost 45 pounds since January 27th of this year (my spark start). I have lost a total of 77 pounds since Thanksgiving.
I am in a size 14. I'm 46 years old, and the last time I was a size 14 was in my sophmore year in high school.
I can walk and jog (mix) 13 miles a day on my days off. I can run (RUN!) up 3 flights of stairs. I sleep better. I'm not always exhausted. I wake before the alarm rings and feel fine.
I have suffered some major setbacks in other parts of my life and have NOT curled into a ball hoping to die. I am still here and I have not stopped my life.

Today I will be changing my ticker. To my FINAL goal.
I will not stop.
I will not fail.
This magic number has given me the POWER to KNOW these things.
I HAVE CHOSEN MY DESTINY AND I WILL NOT LET ANYTHING STAND IN MY WAY.

Life is GOOD!

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*Jumps for JOY!*

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I can't believe it!
I just got on the scale.
I gained all that weight on vacation and IT"S GONE!! So is another pound!!
I had hoped most of it was water, and I must have been right. Once I stopped the steroids the weight just melted. I'm eating right, exercising like normal, I've even hugely increased my nutritional needs on the days I exercise hard.
My joints have stopped hurting and I think I beat that nasty old tick bite!
I am so happy I may cry!! I have now officially lost 72 pounds from the beginning, and 40 pounds since I started sparking!!!!

I am 190 and jumping for joy!! Next stop, 185!!
Life is good!

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What I learned.....

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The last month has been....interesting. I was right to be worried about going home.

Although there were some great and wonderful things, there were also some not-so-great things.

I will be moving my ticker back today. It's official- I gained 8 pounds in the month I was home. Not all of it is fat, in fact my fat % is down this morning on my official weigh and measure. But, well, I was not as strong as I had hoped.

My month started great!
I thought my son and my friends would faint! Two of them didn't even recognize me until I got close. Everyone was amazed at the difference in how I looked. It felt great!

I got to watch two close friends graduate from the Univ. as RNs. I was so proud of them!!

One of my unofficial sons got married-- I'm happy for them!

I got to spend some time with my parents in Arkansas, got to go fishing, got to catch fish while fishing (heehee), got to spend time with my son and future daughter, got to wish my unofficial nephew a happy 3rd birthday, got to visit friends, and a bunch of other cool things!

One of my friends dug up some pics of me from last year and placed them next to new pics she took without me knowing. Wow! I was amazed! Not at how much better I look now, but at how bad I didn't know I looked then! I now understand why it takes so long for our self-perception of ourselves to catch up with reality. My perception of myself was somewhere between where I really was and where I am.

The internet didn't work at the house, so I went to the library. That was great for one day. Then their net went down just as all the kids got out of school for the summer. There were only 2 other places in town to log on- Wendy's and McDonalds! ACK!!!
I was good the first week-- all I got were bottles of water. It went downhill from there.

When I got there, I was used to walking/jogging (combo) 13 miles a day on my days off, plus curves, weights, circuit training, dancing, and all sorts of other stuff. It only took 2 days in the humid, moldy ozarks before I was on 3 of my asthma meds and my walks were down to 6 miles.

I cried.

Some of those meds being steroids, I also became ravenously hungry. And I started retaining water. I've been out of there a week now, and my fingers and ankles are still dent-able from the fluid gain.

I was bit by a bad tick, got the tell-tale "bulls eye" rash, and am now on antibiotics to try and prevent Lyme disease. But all my joints hurt, and I don't know if I started the antibiotic too late, or if it is just from the water retention and med side effects. I will have to wait and see.

I live 10 miles out of a fairly small town, on a dirt road in the hills of the Ozark "Mountains". One of my neighbors is a moonshiner (For real!) The movie "Deliverance" was based on this area of the country. LOL
I mention this, because no one here walks for fun. I got my son and his fiance to start walking while I was there. (Got them both on Spark, too!!)

IT IS A PUBLIC ROAD.

One evening, while my son was walking, a man came out of his house with a shotgun. Wanted to know what my son was doing there. My son told him he was walking to lose weight, but the man kept the gun aimed at him until my son was out of sight.
ALL OF US were stopped and questioned, not nicely, by people coming out of their houses or driving up to us to find out what we were up to. We were followed by vans full of men, and one house let their guard dogs out to go after me. It was quite unpleasant. BTW, my 'shiner' neighbor had no problem with our walks! LOL

Meanwhile, my walks were getting shorter and shorter due to my asthma problems. So instead of having to face these people once a day- I refused to give up- I was going out several times a day to face them for shorter walks.

There was a Curves in town, so I went- once. I was used to well- maintained equipment. This one was not so good. I decided to stick with weights and walks for the rest of my vacation.

Because I am a traveling nurse, I sign 3 month contracts for each place I go. I can then extend if the need is still there, or move on to another place. I am trying to buy a house in Montana. A place I can go home to and still breathe and walk! The bank is having trouble with my traveling. they do not understand that even though they are 3 month contracts, I am not just employed for 3 months. I may not get the house. I have proven my income, I have had the company I work for try to explain it, I don't know what else to do but wait.
I cried.

I was about to take an assignment in Idaho. I was talking to my "boss" (agent) and she mentioned that the hospital I just left in Wyoming was in desperate need. I made alot of friends in the year I was there. I didn't like the thought of them working short. I asked her to see if they wanted me back.

So here I am, on a "New" assignment in the same place I just left. I even have my same apartment! And my gym membership, and everything! Feels great and kinda weird at the same time! I have changed floors, and I have changed shifts.

I will primarily be a day-shift person this time around. It should add at least one more day a week to my life, since I won't be sleeping the days away. That feels great! Getting up at 4 in the morning.... that feels not so great, but it is worth it.

I have been back a week. I am no longer on any of my asthma meds, and my walks are back up to 8 miles. I am in no hurry to go "home" again.

Life is good.

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Next week will be the test....

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The time has come for me to go home for almost a month.
I miss my family and friends, but at the same time, I am apprehensive. I have explained that I've made changes, but I fear losing control. For the last year, I have lived by myself, away from them, and have been able to control all that I eat and do. Since joining Sparkpeople, I have actually used that ability!

I hope they understand.
I will NOT be going to my favorite restaurants, I will not be eating the things I used to eat.
I WILL be spending part of each day exercising, and another part on JUST ME.
It won't be easy. They haven't really met the "new" me. I hope they like me, because this is who I CHOOSE to be. There's no going back.

I also hopefully, will be closing on my new home. This means leaving my friends and some of my family permanently behind. It hurts.
Since I've been a traveling nurse, I've learned how small the world really is. But some of my friends haven't seen that yet. I would love for them to come see me, but I know most won't. I have driven 1500+ miles to see them, but, sigh.... well, what will be, will be.

I leave this assignment without knowing where I will be going next. That's ok with me, it adds a bit of spice to life.

I stayed here too long. I extended my 3 month assignment for a year. I made good friends, and am finding it harder to pack than usual. But it is time.

I have 3 more nights to work here, then on 5/11/08, I'll begin the 1100+ mile drive home. This will be the last time this drive takes me "home". Feels weird. But I can't live in Missouri anymore. It triggers severe asthmatic reactions in me. That's another thing that scares me about this trip. I enjoy feeling good. I am afraid of not being able to breathe.

On the good side, 2 of my best friends will be graduating from nursing school 4 days after I get back. I promised I'd be there to see it, and I will. I'm VERY proud of them. It's been a hard road for them both.

And I'll get to see my parents, and go fishing, and hang out with my kid(s), and see another friend married.

LIFE IS GOOD.

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Why I ROCK! (Challenge)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I have always had trouble with saying good things about myself. The last time this challenge was going, I couldn't do it. I opened the "new blog" several times, couldn't find anything good to say, cried, and walked away.
I am different now. I still have trouble saying good things about myself, but one of the things I have done due to SP is to FIND something good about myself daily. Always different things. It is really helping how I feel about me. It is still hard to do.

But, I have opened this "new blog" 3 times and come to a dead stop.
The difference this time, and one of the reasons I ROCK, is because this time, I will not cry, and I will NOT walk away.

So, now that I've gotten started, I ROCK BECAUSE:

I am gaining control of my life. I no longer RE-act to life, I ACT. (Pro-active is next!)
I am 46 years old and am FINALLY buying my own home!
I am a great nurse!
I play paintball- I'm an awesome sniper!
I raised a wonderful son! By myself!
I escaped an abusive relationship and came out stronger for it.
I "rescue" friends in need.
Although I see all normal colors of the spectrum, I CHOOSE to be colorblind. And faithblind, and wealthblind, and orientationblind.....etc........
I believe ALL people have value and something to teach me.
I would die to protect my friends and family.
I cut the throat of the man who tried to rape me when I was 22.
I can rebuild carburetors and change brake pads.
(I cannot sew, and I am a lousy housekeeper) But I can cook!!
I have a twisted sense of humor!
I can read 2000 (yup, two thousand) words a minute and have a 99% retention and comprehension rate.
I read a paperback a night.(When I'm not working)
I have lost 30 pounds and am down 5 sizes.
I can run up a flight of stairs now!
I haven't had a soda in 93 days. But who's counting?
I am a work in progress-- and I ROCK!!

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