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Getting it all out there

Friday, November 14, 2014

This blog shall be long ... you've been warned

I feel like right now I'm not sure where to begin, so I'm just going to type until I feel better. Since my last blog, I've had some crazy times. I took a week off of work for a real vacation. We spent a few days at the ocean and I spent a few days at home. It made me feel better in general and I was quite content. I went to work for a couple of days, flew to TX to visit my grandparents. Grandpa is 89 and was just put in a nursing home. I went to check on him and see how grandma was coping. She's never lived alone. Flew home, I was home for a week, I flew to Arizona for work, flew home was at work for two days then went to Virginia with my BF. The vacation was scheduled before the trips for work and Texas. On the way home from Virginia I was dropped at the airport and flew to El Paso. I was in El Paso for three weeks. Flew home, I was home for about 6 days my parents came out for 2 weeks. During that time my other grandfather was put in the hospital in Missouri. This cause all kinds of emotional distress. (my grandpa is my hero and I have all 4 grandparents at this point in my life)

My last doctor appointment things weren't great. I've gained most of my weight back again. I'm all over the board emotionally. While my mom was here, well things were rough. My mom is a nice person, but she's also a little critical and I regress when I'm around her. Vanity is something she struggles with and she says things are kind of spiteful. Exhibit A: You know you can't leave that kind of stuff around, Sarah can't help but eat it. Exhibit B: (keep in mind I am wrestling with some pretty intense self image issues that I've been dealing with my whole life) Mom Says, "When I worked at curves I really tried to get some of those ladies to look at the emotional side of their eating and it really helped them." In my mind I'm hearing, but look what you've done to me my whole life" We went out to eat with my aunt and uncle and I got fries and my mom said something in front of everyone at the table. My BF was so mad at her. She also told me to make sure I don't over eat in front of people at Thanksgiving. Meanwhile she eats food in the kitchen when no one is around and then spits it out into a napkin if someone walks in. She says, You're dad isn't interested in doing anything but sitting around getting fatter. then she says, You're so much like your dad.

Works busy and I'm having trouble focusing. I fly to Tampa on Wednesday for 4 days. I just want to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas with all 4 of my grandparents still with me. My dad's side of the family has a tendency to die the week of Thanksgiving. I feel this fear gnawing at me as the holiday approaches. The new medicine the doctor gave me I think is having some issue it's supposed to be an appetite suppressant or something like that, but I'm not sure I like it. I was put back on metformin and I can't seem to remember to take it.

my friend's wedding is upcoming in May so I get to be the fat bridesmaid again.

Right now I just feel like I'm in the eye of the storm and all these things are swirling around me draining me and I'm trying to hold on and survive the storm. Overall my life is pretty good, we get stressed about money and normal stuff like that, but the general day to day things are good, but I can't seem to get my act together and keep it together.

  
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NEELIXNKES 11/16/2014 10:22PM

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MADMANSMAMA87 11/14/2014 5:03PM

    Hey Sarah!!

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having a rough time, Doll!! :( In particular, I am sorry about the remarks your Mom made to you on her visit. I know you know your mom loves you & that she only wants what is best for you but she could definitely work on verbalizing those things in a kinder, more considerate & more supportive way!! You are a beautiful, sweet, kind & AMAZING person, don't ever forget that!! Never let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. - - YOU are FABULOUS as is & you could gain 50lbs or lose 50lbs & I'd still think you were JUST as fabulous!! Sending lots of hugs your way!!!

Stay Positive, Darling!!!

Jes

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SHELLYBABE2 11/14/2014 4:12PM

    Hope you're feeling better for getting it off your chest, life is crap sometimes & I can so empathise with you for lots of what you've written. The best thing you can do right now is stop the shouting in your head, breathe deep and get yourself a big fat hug from your significant other. Try to be kind to yourself, I know I will say that to you often, I even try to get myself to listen to it occasionally too lol. I do it by trying to imagine what my reaction would be if a friend had said whatever it is I'm going through and like just now all I want to do is give you a big hug, tell you you are so loved, you're worth loving and worth the work to better yourself and improve your health. You now need to scrape yourself up off the floor, set a timer on your phone to remind you to take your meds, plan your meals, more important now than ever esp if your PCoS symptoms are playing up. It will also give you something to focus on rather than the hurdles that you're giving your attention to just now. Each time you are tempted by food you know you should avoid remind yourself that you are doing this for nobody but you, in an attempt to better your symptoms.

It's not always easy to do I know but just work on one day at a time & try to get some exercise in, I swear by it to help manage the PCoS/diabetes & my mental wellbeing, try to make sure you're getting enough omega 3 in your diet. I'm not sure if it really works but it's meant to have so many benefits for PCoS sufferers & I take a supplement religiously esp when feeling low, anything that might help must be worth trying lol. You're truly not alone in your struggles & hope that you can take a little comfort in that but unfortunately the only one who can make yourself feel better is in your hands so you can't delay making a start. emoticon

Remember you deserve to feel better than you do right now! I believe in you, all you need to do now is believe too, take care.

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edited to say - May is a long time off & if you make the start right now it's amazing how far you can come in a short space of time. Come on do this with me, struggle through because it does become easier, reset your goals do it like you're just starting spark and freshen your enthusiasm for what is going in your mouth. Eating diabetic like can help enormously esp if you've been put on metformin, just helps balance everything out.

Comment edited on: 11/14/2014 4:16:14 PM

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Just call me a super Ball

Friday, August 22, 2014

Just call me a Super Ball because I'm bouncing back with a mighty force!

Okay so if you follow my blogs, you'll know I've had some stuff going on. I went on travel for work, my dad came, my birthday came, and there's more but those are some highlights. So what happened to me. I tried to stay focused and for awhile I did, but I just kept inching my way out of focus until I got so blurry I didn't know what was happening. Well when I finally had the nerve to jump back on the scale, I'd learned I'd gained 11 Pounds back. Yes I was disappointed and I moped for a day or so. Then i bounced back! I got my cookbooks out, I threw out bad food, and I sat down and made some meal plans. A little over two weeks later, I'm down 9.6 pounds and only have a few more to go until I'm back to where I was.

Here's what I've learned: 1) I had a lot of fun this summer and that's awesome, and I don't need to beat myself up for something like that. I backslide for 7 weeks and in about 3 weeks of getting back on track, I'm already undoing that damage. Not that I want to do this all of the time, but I need to accept when it does and just stay focused to get back on track.

2) I ignore the scale when I don't want to face the truth. Perhaps if I had jumped on it sooner I wouldn't have gained back as much. Going forward i do my weigh ins on schedule ( I weigh in twice a week instead of once a week)
3) I have only done one workout in the last three weeks, and that's not great, but its okay. I need to make sure as long as I'm tracking I can get these pounds off. I seem to be trying to be perfectly tracking and working out or I give up entirely. Just because I can't get my workout in doesn't mean I eat pizza that night. I don't need to be perfect just better and always trying.
4) I've gotten a lot of my "to dos" done lately and I'm proud of that. One of the things I still need to do is make a Dr appointment and get back to dealing with my PCOS.

Whatever funk I was in that knocked me off track, I'm getting myself back to where I was and beyond!

  
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SHELLYBABE2 8/25/2014 7:25AM

    Well done you :-)

Amazing how we stick our heads in the sand and avoid what we know we need to take notice of, all in the attempt of kidding ourselves. Really proud of you, you've done marvellous to get back there in a couple of weeks - now I just need to get my head out of the sand and join you in dealing with what I know needs doing!

Great Blog! TFS

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RR1_RR1 8/23/2014 7:46PM

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I won't let situations get the best of me

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I have learned that I let my situations dictate much of my life versus myself controlling what I can control. It's been a learning experience this summer. I mentioned it in a status that I was learning something awhile back and that is what I am learning. I'm learning that I let situations boss me around. Now I'm not so naive that I think I can control every situation and take everyday by the horns and completely change it's outcome, but I do let myself feel almost like a victim of circumstances and allow things to get worse. Now they're going to get better. Here's the whole story...

A few weeks ago, I went on my first work trip. Two weeks in Florida. Two weeks of eating out, but I managed it fairly well I came back about 3 pounds heavier, but most of that i assumed was water weight and from traveling etc. I didn't beat myself up I didn't worry about it. Well I came home the week of the 4th of July. By the time I got the house back to where I wanted it, and the office caught up and the laundry caught up and took a nap before I even knew it, it was Friday the 4th, the holiday weekend. Now my BF and I kept it low key, but we ate out twice during the long weekend. I hadn't worked out since I'd been back. I hadn't even had a chance to do the meal planning, but I was thinking "get life balanced out this week and next week I'm back to it" Best of intentions don't get a girl where she needs to be let me tell you how this continued to unfold. My father shows up the following week Wednesday. Rob and I leave for his family reunion on Friday. My dad's here for a couple of weeks, and he thought he'd come out before we left so he could watch the animals for me. So Rob and I leave for a weekend in West Virginia. Which involved more eating out and not a lot of time to work out although we did go to the pool for a few hours. Then I came home from that and dad and I started home repairs and home depot trips. So yesterday I was focused on the meal planning I hadn't done, the exercise I haven't been able to get in, the backlog of things to do in general, and I started to spiral into a feeling of complete defeat. That's how the story goes, but don't worry there's more.

I was sitting in my cubical Wednesday and just sat here for a minute and realized I'd done some impressive things. The week I'd come home from my work trip, I knew things would be crazy, so I made an extra big batch of sloppy joe in the crockpot so I'd have go to meals ready to pack for lunch and eat for dinner. Sure I was short on produce, time and planning, but I still made an effort to prevent backsliding. I had a great work trip and a great time in WV. My trip to meet his family was deemed successful. Yesterday I sent my BF a list of things to do that I needed help with. I told him I wasn't doing well and I really needed some little stuff done to support me the next couple of days. I reached out, admitted I was struggling, and asked for help. What's even better is that the help was provided because I didn't like sitting her feeling defeated and like I had to start all over. I don't have to start all over I just have to keep going.

It's really hard having my dad here health wise. I wanted to make Italian chicken sausage one night for dinner, but he wanted "real food" so we went to Burger King (true story) and then he took me for ice cream. Overnight my house filled with cookies, candy, donuts, and the list goes on. Stuff I rarely buy, but I'm trying to keep it form tempting me and I just felt like I was drowning in defeat and things I couldn't control. He also leaves things out in case he needs them again mainly tools, so not only is my house full of junk food, there's a sea of mess.

Last night Rob and I made a healthy dinner together (since I asked for help and all) and he made sure to pack up dinner for me (leftovers) so I can come home tonight and reheat it and not have to worry about making "real food." Tonight I'll figure out what to throw in the crockpot for tomorrow. I've resigned to having to use the crockpot because there is just too much mess and not enough time, so I'm trying to keep dinner quick and easy in terms of prep and cleanup. This weekend I will get some meal planning in and get some exercise in before anyone wakes up. I'm always the first one up with the dog.

There are some things extremely out of my control, but I need to make the best of them and not feel defeated just because I'm not being perfect, because I'm in general doing a lot of things better than before.

  
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SHELLYBABE2 8/25/2014 7:36AM

    Asking for help and admit you're struggling is a brave thing to do - so proud of you! & from your most recent blog to see you now succeeding and learning and carrying on is something that should allow you to feel so much stronger than before!

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NEELIXNKES 7/19/2014 5:59PM

    It sounds like even though things are a bit messy right now, you are taking steps to wade through it. WTG! I hope that things ease up for you soon. Keep pushing forward!

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JAROL7 7/17/2014 11:03AM

    WOW, you are SO right. Life is all about our personal choices and NO ONE can change that without our permission. They can control many circumstances but they can not control our responses. It's all my choice.

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Summer Update

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

SO I went on my first work trip and came home. I feel like the two weeks away, while enjoyable and fun I haven't quite returned to my stride yet. I did better. I simplified. I made a double batch of sloppy Joe when I got home because I knew meal planning wouldn't get done due to unpacking, laundry, the holiday, and now the trip to WV this weekend for his family reunion. So I've been eating a lot of sloppy Joe. I made it with 96% lean beef and extra veggies and I've been living off of that for awhile. now I have some london broil marinading for this weekend. I haven't gotten back to exercising since I've been back, but I was getting my house back in order and now my dad's coming so who knows when my schedule is getting back to normal, but I'm trying. I did good on my trip exercising it was getting home that threw me off. I will have to figure out how to get time for me in there.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding so I need to get focused!

On a side note, I'm having some relationship issues. He's no longer sure if he wants children. It's a big thing to change just when we were talking rings n things. Now i have a medical condition that makes pregnancy difficult, but I don't know what to do, I've always wanted to at least try and I'm turning 32 this summer. Long term he's a great guy that I love, and I'm hoping we get this discussed and resolved. This has led me to some stress/emotional eating not going to deny it. So we'll continue to see how this story unfolds.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PICKIE98 7/8/2014 3:27PM

    You have some big choices to make, regardless of your PCOS. That is not sterility, it is a hurdle. A look WAY down the road is what I did.. what possibilities do I want twenty, thirty years from now? No chance of children? Adoption?
It is a BIG deal, physically, emotionally, morally.

Your BF was wise to tell you now. Not sure, or "No way,Jose". are two different things, but must be talked about and decided upon. When the finality of marriage hits one, kids, house, spousal responsibility kind of slams one in the head. Maybe he is getting all of that swirling his head..TALK. OPENLY. You will never regret it, regardless of the outcome.

You are both worth it, have the right to know...

praying for yo both...

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First Work Trip

Monday, June 23, 2014

I was sent on my first work trip. I have to say, I like traveling on company money. I'm racking up hotel points and airline miles, but man I've been here an official 8 days now. I'm drinking water like a crazy person staying hydrated in Florida and I've been trying to eat healthy, but this eating out all of the time is getting to me. In attempts to counteract this I've been hitting the pool and the fitness room. I find it is a delicate balance. I originally planned on working all day and working out each night, which I did the first couple of days, BUT I have to go to dinner some of the time or I seem anti social and that's not the best career move. With luck I will come home flat to where I left. On a plus side. I got to do one night at Downtown Disney, which you know I love just by looking at my page. So I'm trying to have fun, be social, and be healthy all while being on the road for two weeks. I have healthy bread, peanut butter, jelly and healthy snacks in my room and I've been eating eggs and oatmeal for breakfast. There's a fridge and microwave in my room, which helps. So I keep reminding myself I'm minimizing the damage and still having a good time. I hope it works out.

Outside of that though, I am truly having a good time. The rental car gave me a mustang. He said, "With a smile like that you get the mustang" It was a nice ego boost, so I've driven a sporty car to the beach in Florida. I've met new people, and gotten lots of sunshine. I went to Downtown Disney for a day and made some fun memories.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BROOKEFLINN 6/24/2014 12:21AM

    Have you considered trying to do some HIIT workouts in your room, or in their gym. A study out of Scotland showed quite a bit of promise when it comes to short HIIT workouts for helping with insulin resistance. Just make sure you do cardio moves and resistance moves. only takes 3-5 minutes in a small space.

You can even find a lot of these types of workouts for free online.

Here's an article about it. http://weightlosswithpcos.com/best-
exercise-pcos-suffers-need-to-d
o

Oh! And Congrats about the work trip!

Comment edited on: 6/24/2014 12:22:17 AM

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UMBILICAL 6/23/2014 3:39PM

  Love Florida

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