Monday, June 20, 2011
Having a no-good-very-bad... weekend.
Was up all night with moderate to severe stomach pain (really concerned about appendicitis) that now appears to have subsided.
Feeling weak and shaky and hot. Driving to the doctor's office now, wish me luck?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Reading other people's blogs always inspires me to write my own. It's more or less one of the few ways I've been staying on track this time. One of the most popular blogs at the moment is one about how the "friends" we have are not the ones who care or support us in our goals. In fact, they may want to hurt us rather than see someone else succeed. I would agree with this.
In fact, it's gotten to the point where my number of friends are very limited. Only one (and his girlfriend) comes over and hangs with me anymore (besides my loving and adoring boyfriend). But even that friend does not really know what my goals are, what's going on in my life or really who I am. In fact, my whole high school experience was rather similar. I'm not here to rant about high school really. My father told me once there are two people in life - those who enjoyed high school and those who did not. The ones who enjoyed it spend the rest of their lives looking back and saying "those were the years", while the rest of us look forward and know that our lives are going to be better as the years progress. Regardless, the people I went to high school with were not supportive. Hell, "not supportive" is a nice term. No one knew me. Not for lack of trying- it's not like I didn't throw myself out there at every opportunity. I was Engineering Society President and then Secretary. I tried to succeed in the Air Force JROTC program but was shot down there.
Terms like "power hungry bitch" and "controlling psycho" have been thrown around a lot. They don't hurt. Not anymore anyway. It's when it was "power hungry fatass" and "controlling fat bitch" that it hurt. When guys would say, "Kate, you're really nice and smart, and really like me, but you're fat. I hate fat chicks". It hurt when I would spend hours organizing and planning for a engineering competition, just to have the other members throw a "coup" and use my work to win national titles, all because "this was a skinny, smart person team, neither of which you are".
Yeah, so I've heard it all. People use my weight against me constantly. When we were kids my brothers used to call me "fatass" and then pound my head into the ground. I'd run to my daddy crying, he'd tell me to man the f*ck up and that people will call me fat my whole life.
You know what, f*ck that. Just, f*ck that.
I'm not going to be fat my whole life. I'm going to be who I want to be, people in my life be damned. I will meet my goals and I will be successful. F*ck my father, f*ck everyone I went to school with. Just, f*ck.
Monday, June 13, 2011
On Mother's Day, my mom and I got our nails done. My entire life, I have been a compulsive nail biter. Never low enough to hurt or get infected (like my boyfriend's nails) but it kept them trimmed and gave me something to do with my hands. I got a manicure that cleaned up my nails, and then stopped biting them. For three weeks.
This has been a great accomplishment for me. Yeah, the second I hit that three week mark I went to TOWN on my nails, but I did do it. I kept them clean, painted, and well manicured. And I don't think I'd ever do it again.
As great as accomplishing that was, there were a lot of downfalls. I do a lot of typing and guitar playing - any sort of nail whatsoever greatly inhibits that. The time I was having to put into it was frustrating and rather lengthy. However, because of it, I met a goal AND my nails are a bit stronger (I started taking a calcium supplement to aid the growth and strength of my nails).
I think that it shows I can do something, I can lose weight and I can meet goals if I try. The effort is overwhelming but I really need to want it first. After I meet it, I can crank back a bit and be comfortable with myself - I can be healthy and good looking without being a crazy gym nazi. I don't need to be stick thin, I just need to be thinner.
I just need to know I can do this.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
I've always really been into weight lifting. It appeals to my habit of crossing normal gender boundaries (like being an engineer). I can, as of last night, bench 75 pounds (10 reps, 5x). So I've spent the last hour or so researching muscle building.
A lot of the advice out there appears to be rather condescending; on the opposite end of the spectrum, it's horribly hardcore. I find even sparkpeople to be a bit condescending on the message boards,etc towards women's weightlifting.
After compiling a lot of information, this would be my advice to anyone who wants to either supplement their cardio with weight lifting (or if you're like me, supplement your weight lifting with cardio).
1) Eat before and after you work out.
2) After a two or three minute cardio warm-up, do your weights first, then your standard cardio.
3) Start lifting 2x week, then work up to three-five.
4) Always always always push yourself. Doesn't matter if you do lower weights but a lot of reps or high weight and lower reps. Just make it burn.
5) I really don't know the validity of this rule, but I freaking like it. I've read that you should consume (in pill form or through food) 1g of protein for every pound you weigh. Well first, I'm not going to eat 230 of protein. Just not going to freaking happen. However- look at my planned meal for tomorrow:
I'm consuming UNDER my calories for the day but am eating a rather ridiculous amount of food. I'm also consuming 163 grams of protein. Lots of lean protein is considered instrumental to weight loss according to my doctors and various websites. I'm just happy that I get to cook that much food. Additionally, I'm still getting a large amount of carbs, even if the eggs put me over my fat intake limit.
6) Muscle = metabolism. That's it. The tripe about eating spicy foods or eating early in the morning = crap. The more muscle you build means that as you sit on your butt reading sparkpeople blogs, the more calories you burn than you did the day before.
7) Give yourself some time to heal between workouts.
8) Unless you know how to lift free weights properly, work with the machines first. Most gyms have the machines with directions on them and are very difficult to mess up. This can get you started and/or be your whole weightlifting workout.
) Screw the "uber manly men" who get pissy about women in the weight room. Or the "manly men" who hit on hot women while trying to work out. First of all men, it's creepy either way. Second, screw you. Just remember you are a human and are not defined by your gender- you have just as much right to be there as anyone else and screw them. Go kick some ass girls.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
I woke up this morning and got on SparkPeople. I stared at my reflection in the computer screen and thought, "damn, when I grow up, I wanna be a trophy wife!".
So there you go, motivation of the day.
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