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Dear Di revisited

Friday, August 12, 2011

Ten weeks ago as part of my Summer Challenge I was to write myself a letter to read at the end of it. I had forgotten about this, actually. Ten weeks is a long time when life is batting you around.

It hasn't been a good summer. Work, which is something I usually love, was difficult for awhile. I'm still recovering from that. My DH was laid off and we are dealing with the usual financial issues. My dear brother in law died. Still, reflection is a good thing and I'm going to copy my letter to myself here, and then look at how I feel things turned out:

Dear Di,

Ten weeks ago you were just beginning to feel hopeful again. Life issues had been pushing you towards a new commitment to your health, and you were determined to go back to what worked for you before: staying in range, logging your food and exercising. It's pretty simple, really, when you break it down.

You know by now that whatever results you had from the 10 week challenge: you earned.
It is my sincere hope that you earned a loss, that you are feeling lighter, that you were feeling more energized. We know you can choose your path.

I hope you have learned to relax a little more, get a good nights sleep, enjoy the lovely weather and walk outside every chance you got. I hope you learned to love yourself a little more, right where you are.

Finally, you are going to post here a photo of yourself that is a close up, and you are going to look at that photo and not immediately say how old you think you look! You are going to look at this photo, your new profile pic, and tell yourself that you are looking at a strong and capable woman who loves deeply and loves with action and is learning to apply those things to herself.

Now go give yourself a hug!

(End of Letter)
Okay, so here are the positives for the summer:
I finished up a barrage of medical testing and can comfortably if not always happily LIVE with the results. The living part is the good part of this, btw...even with some discomfort and pain I am still able to live. I'll take it.
Some of the medical results were actually positive! My diabetes is totally in control, my heart is strong and I'm free of blockages or clots or tumors. I'll take it.
I AM ending this challenge with a loss. And that is the first time that has happened in a long time. I'm currently at -8.5 for 9 weeks and...I'll take it. It has been a long time since I felt I was moving in the right direction. I am tracking. I am feeling that my new lifestyle is more a habit than an effort. I have adjusted to having celiac's and that isn't a food issue as it was in the beginning. Small additions to my activity are becoming second nature to me. I feel it important that I exercise "with purpose" and by that I always mean I went to the gym...but I am catching myself adding steps, stairs, the long way around almost all the time. Those are very positive changes.

So all in all, difficult summer aside, I am happy with where I stand today. Did I meet ALL my goals? No. Did I bat 1,000...get to the finish line first...get 100% on the test? No. But I DID make some pretty good progress, I'm still IN the game, and the finish line isn't going anywhere so I can still get there. I'll take it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSAN134 8/20/2011 8:38PM

    Loved this post! Congrats on your successes with your challenge. How great that you can review what you set out to do 10 weeks ago and see how well you have done, even with the upsets that life has thrown you.

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DYNAMICDEB53 8/20/2011 6:04PM

    Wonderful letter and what a cool idea. Love your attitude which to me is what helped you through this summer and all that happened. WTG on your weight loss. You made good changes and developed better habits, that is really a win win for anyone.
I am wishing you continued success inthe next months to come, I know you can do it!!!
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Hugs and love
Deb

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SOCKITTOME 8/19/2011 9:07AM

    Wow, what a very cool thing to do! You have done an awesome job, despite a difficult summer, and it was good to have this exercise to reflect back. And you're right -- it's not about finishing first or being perfect 100% of the time. It's about finishing and getting through the journey from point A to point B. Keep hanging in there and moving forward. You are living and that is what matters!

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SLCB1023 8/15/2011 12:46PM

    Great to hear about your summer's progress. Sound pretty good to me!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LISA0517 8/15/2011 12:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

You are finishing our challenge with a strong WIN!! Woo hoo, almost 10 pounds down! That is awesome! But I think even more important is that you are in the habit of tracking, you are more comfortable with how your diet needs to be, and you are exercising. And way to go on getting your diabetes under control!

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You rock!

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LYNNWANNABE 8/14/2011 5:46PM

    Hi Di, so glad to see you here and going strong [your writing is very encouraging to me] especially, with where I'm coming from...

I've been having a lot of illnesses and for the past nine months I've been fooling around with my weight loss [kind of doing the yo-yo thing] until I basically gave up even trying to eat right. NOT GOOD!

Well, I deleted all of my past goals today, re-joined my old team-mates [the White Hawks] for this months challenge and just got done posting all new goals and weight ... thankfully, I'm not up much as being sick for so long has helped keep the weight off [but over the past two or three months I've seen it start to creep back on and I'm so ready to hit it back into the ball park where my clothing fits loose and I don't feel as bad as I did when I was a shut in... that old feeling has also tried coming back. But, we finally got to move out of the basement apartment we lived in for 12 years... and into a well lite apartment that has so many windows I'm almost blinded by the light! lol! I've also, started going for drives with the vehicle that someone gave me [that was a God send] I can actually get out of the house now when Rick is working, and well, things are looking up... but I know how easy [quick] things can go backwards and so I need to pursue this website with the same gusto I did last year... ANYWAY, I enjoyed reading your blog for some extra inspiration, you've always been good at that [and so, thanks] I hope and wish you the best too!!!

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/13/2011 10:21PM

    Awesome letter, blog & progress. I'm glad that you're losing again. I'm proud of you for sticking with it when it would have been so easy to throw in the towel. You HAVE had a rough summer and yet you have stayed the course and remembered to take care of YOU! For that alone, you should be very proud. I love you! emoticon emoticon

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MICKEYMAX 8/13/2011 5:46PM

    emoticon

That's emoticon Di, you made some amazing progress while going through a very stressful time. You rock, sister! Thanks for sharing. These thoughts really help me also. Congrats on the loss during the challenge!!!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 8/13/2011 8:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANGELUS__QUINN 8/12/2011 10:19PM

    Thank you for sharing. Inspirational.

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KNH771 8/12/2011 6:32PM

    Congrats on your success in the challenge! Hang in there. Life's little (and big) storms don't last forever. emoticon

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BESTCK 8/12/2011 12:28PM

    Di, I am so glad you posted this. Considering everything you've been through in the 12 weeks, you deserve to be proud of your accomplishments.

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PATRISNA 8/12/2011 11:55AM

    Di,
You made progress! Woo Hoo! I must have missed the letter challenge. I also want to thank you. I really liked the SP blog link you sent me. I sent it to my local team. I am going to keep a copy to remind me we are always trying each week for good results. If we have an off day it is not the end of the world. It is all about perspective. Love you Sapphire sister.

Hugs,
Pat


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DOLPHIN2355 8/12/2011 11:43AM

    Perfect Di. I love your blogs!

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_KATHY 8/12/2011 10:55AM

    emoticon

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MIZCATHI 8/12/2011 10:08AM

    First, I love how you write. Thanks for sharing your affirmation letter to yourself. AND, even more than that, for sharing the positive things you did for yourself despite the obtacles and tragic life events in your way.

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MAMADWARF 8/12/2011 9:44AM

    That is fabulous progress!!! 10 weeks is along time but look at you! You made fantastic progress. I am proud of you and happy for you. You are doing great, Di!

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SHARONSPARKLE 8/12/2011 9:33AM

    It definitely sounds like you are making progress. You have had a rough summer but it is wonderful that you can reflect on the good things and realize that through adversity you have become a stronger and healthier person. Keep on Sparking!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 8/12/2011 9:28AM

    You know the old tagline: Progress not perfection. Keep it up!

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August Goals

Thursday, August 04, 2011

My 200+ team has asked that we set some August goals so here mine are:

1. Log my food daily-it really helps!
2. Do intentional exercise at least 3 days out of 5 (work days)
3. Get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
4. Give myself some 'down time' at least once a week.
5. Do some out door exercise every week (while it's nice here)

I am going to stop there as I want to set goals I have a chance of meeting. I didn't include water because I drink so much of that now I float through the day as it is!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COLEENCOLE 8/10/2011 12:33PM

    Sounds good. I am back on the pedometer, myself.

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IAMFREETORUN 8/10/2011 4:30AM

    I'm rooting for you to meet your goals! Especially the "down time" one. I think you're the kind of person who doesn't really give herself a lot of down time. :) You do a lot for others, you deserve to really relax!

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PINK-PEONY 8/9/2011 8:21AM

    Smart goals, you're off to a great month.

Huggs,
Melisssa

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BE-THE-CHANGE 8/7/2011 8:08AM

    Great goals!
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DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/5/2011 3:54PM

    great goals. "we all float down here...." Love you, Dawn emoticon emoticon

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MIZCATHI 8/5/2011 6:59AM

    Breaking down your goals to things you can accomplish is a great way to succeed!

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GEORGIA_KAY 8/5/2011 6:59AM

    Great goals, Di. Simple and straightforward too. That's how we make this thing work!



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WALKINGGRANDMA 8/5/2011 12:49AM

    I like the goals. You have made some good choices. One of the principles of animal and child training is asking something you are reasonably certain they will do. This builds on success and increases difficulty. You are doing a great job of building and increasing difficulty.

Enjoy the great weather. I wish I hadn't worked all week. The weather was perfect and I was at work!

I'm out tomorrow, hopefully early, to mow. I need to do some serious walking as my daughters, DILs and I are walking the Love Your Body 6K at Thanksgiving Point in October. I need to get outside and walk the 4-5 miles that will get me up to stuff. I haven't done any official walking in a long time.



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SOCKITTOME 8/4/2011 11:06PM

    Excellent goals! I should follow your lead and set some for myself...

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MSHOPPER63 8/4/2011 10:54PM

    Very realistic goals Di, I like the outdoor new one. A new study shows more and more people have a vitamin D deficiency.

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KNH771 8/4/2011 8:29PM

    Sound like reasonable goals to me! I know you can meet them all!

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DYNAMICDEB53 8/4/2011 7:30PM

    Di great goals! I agree we need to set goals that challenge us but dont stress us.
You are doing great and heading in the right direction.
Hugs and smiles dear /gf
Deb

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 8/4/2011 6:43PM

    Looks good mama!

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Update to venting

Saturday, July 30, 2011

First, I'm headed to get DS home for a couple weeks so can't respond to everyone individually but thank you all.

No, Susie was not her real name and yes I was being dramatic about her reason but it was equally stupid. Don't care, she can stay home.

I SO appreciate the support here! You guys are THE BEST and I truly mean that. I felt so much better, was able to go to work. Talked to Tucker's wife and shared some of this family frustration and we had a really good laugh about it which was much needed to de-stress. She feels like most of you did: let them stay home if they don't like it. She was actually really gracious and thanked us for what we're trying to do. It was her choice that we handle the arrangements, not ours, but we'll do it for them both.

Here is a photo of Tucker we ran across. He hated having his picture taken so we all had a good laugh about this yesterday because we know he was probably saying to my DH "if you don't get that camera out of my face I will beat you with it." Let people take your pictures! We have so few of him.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/5/2011 4:04PM

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MSHOPPER63 8/4/2011 5:01PM

    emoticon Di, I second Mickey he was a very handsome man and I'm sure a loving son/brother/husband/father. Enjoy the time with your son, break out that camera and take lots of pictures!

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GEORGIA_KAY 8/1/2011 5:48PM

    Rest In Peace, Tucker.

Di, you really are such a stalwart friend, wife, mother, sister, and sister-in-law. We're all lucky to have you in our lives.

You keep on keeping on, hon. This too, shall pass.

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DONNA_VT 8/1/2011 9:29AM

    Glad you are feeling better and extra glad that we all could help in some small way. It is healthy to be able to laugh and enjoy memories of a loved one. You are doing so well. Enjoy the trip to get DS.

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MIZCATHI 8/1/2011 6:23AM

    I am sorry I did not respond right away to your last post - I was on my phone app when I saw it, which makes responding a challenge. But you know you are doing the right thing, and that is what is true and important. All you can do is inform everyone and some of them will come to their senses when the time comes. It amazes me how the world has so enhanced communication, and yet we are more disconnected than ever. I always thought it was weddings and funerals that family should not miss. Now it seems like so many just don't get it anymore. Big hugs to you and yours. I know this loss has hit you very hard.

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KLMEL2010 7/31/2011 9:29PM

    Glad you are feeling better. It is hard to deal with the sadness & loss of losing someone and at the same time all of the people nonsense. Sounds to me like Tucker's wife is lucky to have you.
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Comment edited on: 7/31/2011 9:30:02 PM

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SUSAN134 7/31/2011 11:21AM

    It is such a shame that in family dynamics there are usually several members that feel they must create discord through pettiness and whining. I think you are handling this admirably, and if you feel you have to vent...vent away. My thoughts go out to you.

xxoo

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ALOHAEV1 7/31/2011 10:34AM

    Sunshine, Hugs and Laughter...to all of you. We're all smiling because you both were able to see the lighter side of all this.

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SOCKITTOME 7/30/2011 10:59PM

    Glad you had a better day today. Tucker's wife is lucky to have you in her court! Nice picture of Tucker, too. You're right -- get the pictures now, sometimes tomorrow doesn't come.

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DYNAMICDEB53 7/30/2011 10:00PM

    So glad the venting helped and better you have Tuckers wife backing you. Take care and hope to be talking with you soon.
Hugs and love
Deb

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PATTYS74 7/30/2011 8:56PM

    Did you are handling thibngs the way they should be handled ..the way the wife wants it done. People will always find something to say...If they cant change thier plans for aq memorial then you really dont need them there. My Prayers are with you...Keep on Venting we are here for you.
Hugs,
Patty

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MICKEYMAX 7/30/2011 6:31PM

    HI Di, Loved to see you updated and along with a picture of James Dean. Bless his wife for being able to laugh amid the pain as well. I am so thankful for you and you have done. I am glad that you are able to feel the Sparklove for you. :)

Keep going, girl! You will get through this.

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BAYBELIEVER 7/30/2011 2:54PM

    What a handsome guy! I think it is wonderful that you are helping his wife out. What better gift can you give her and Tucker?

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SRHALLIN 7/30/2011 2:30PM

    He looks like a positively grand fellow, and a very comfy teddy-bear type of guy. The world is certainly missing someone special.

I am glad to hear that you and his widow are able to go through this difficult time with humor and goodwill. It will take you both through this in a much healthier state of mind and heart.

Best wishes, as always.

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WALKINGGRANDMA 7/30/2011 2:00PM

    So glad you got support from Tucker's wife. It is hard and she has lived with the same people. She does understand. Have a great day. Enjoy remembering Tucker's life. Celebrate all the things he was to all of you.

Those who want to be seen there will, hopefully, be absent. Then it is love for the people who need love most.

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/30/2011 1:51PM

    That is a very nice picture.
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CHATTIECATHY10 7/30/2011 1:02PM

    venting helps sometimes...families are not always easy to please...sounds like you did a great job. Hope the week-end goes better.

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CATHYJR73 7/30/2011 11:58AM

    You are the best!! Truly family is hard to please under any circumstances so glad you can laugh with at least one of them at this point. Love and prayers go out to you!! By the way that is a great pic, he looks so natural emoticon

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DGPIAFFE16 7/30/2011 11:52AM

    So very true! When my barn owner's daughter died we had so many pictures of her from childhood and teenage years but as she started to gain weight there were fewer and fewer pictures. Almost none from the last ten years of her life!

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 7/30/2011 11:48AM

    OH SO TRUE! Those pictures help you with your memories!

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_KATHY 7/30/2011 11:46AM

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Venting

Friday, July 29, 2011

I didn't have a great food day yesterday. I'll recover, but I was certainly trying to eat down some of my feelings. I recognized it a little after the fact but enough to recover for the evening, and I focused on a very small portion of grilled chicken and lots of fruits and veggies for dinner. But it will help, I think, as I face today if I do a little venting here...so feel free not to read any further!

A couple of my family have called because of the memorial date set.
My family:MF
MF: I hate that it's that day. I won't be able to come.
Me: That's too bad, I would have loved to have you there.
MF: Oh well, it can't be helped. I'll be thinking of you all.

And my husbands Family: DHF
DHF: Why did you set that date? we hate that date?
Me: His widow chose the date. I'm working with her.
DHF: We hate that day. Susie can't come that day. She has a nail appointment.
Me: Susie hasn't seen him in 15 years anyway and they live 30 miles apart.
DHF: She wanted to pay her respects.
Me: Probably would have been nice to have done that when he was still here.
DHF: Why are you in charge of everything?
Me: The widow put me in charge. I'm doing what she wants.
DHF: You're ruining this for everyone.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. We're all doing the best we can under difficult circumstances.
DHF: We want you to change the date.
Me: That isn't going to happen. No matter what date we chose it would probably be an issue for someone. We're just going with this and if people can come, great. If they can't, we understand.
DHF: We think you're a terrible witch....


Okay, so that is a little dramatized....but it's about how it's been. DH's mother has been calling him because I'm so stubborn. His sister calls everyone in the family to say I refuse to let her help with anything. I told her flat out that I actually have had her help... a lot...but everything I'm doing at the moment means laying out money for something and she has no money, so it's a little hard for her to help. I did have to email a couple of them and say look, I know we all loved him, but he belongs to her (the wife) and so she gets to decide how to do this. We will all just have to live with that.

Argh.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/5/2011 3:59PM

    sigh.... I love your responses... sorry that you're having to deal with all this. emoticon emoticon

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GEORGIA_KAY 8/1/2011 5:45PM

    Di, honey, It's all been pretty much said, and I agree with them all. You know you're doing the right thing. You're the unfortunate buffer between the families and the SIL. That old saying "You can please some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but not ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME" has never rung truer than now.

Love you Di. Wish there were some way of making this easier for you, but there just isn't. Your BIL would probably be the first to tell them all to leave you alone and let you get on with it if he could.

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BAYBELIEVER 7/30/2011 2:51PM

    I think you are handling this admirably! It's not like you are some funeral planner (think, wedding planner) who has swooped in to handle all this. The widow asked you. You are responding. WHile at the same time dealing with your own grief, which I know is tremendous. Just keep doing what you know the widow wants and the family will need to deal with it. If they choose to continue to act this way and miss a memorial service for a nail appointmet, then they are the ones missing out paying their last respects. Of course, if they couldn't have been interested in being civil and appropriate when he was alive, why now? Isn't it awful that in death people (the living) still think it should be all about them! Arrggghhhhhh.
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MSHOPPER63 7/30/2011 8:29AM

    Oh Di, I'm sorry your being put in the middle. I know his widow really appreciates you and girl it takes some really tough skin to have both families attacking you. I'm not sure I would have the strength. I know I say it every chance I get but you are one of the strongest women I have ever met.

I'm afraid your going to have a very difficult next 6 weeks or so until the funeral is over. Both families are being extremely selfish, hopefully they will come to their senses and realize that.

Sending you lots of hugs

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ALOHAEV1 7/30/2011 7:55AM

    And to think I was the only one with a family full of drama queens...and a beauty queen.
Anything I would have said has already been said, want to give you a high five for keeping from going over board with the food AND remaining civil. You are more than a good friend to the widow, that's all that counts.

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MSWEEZER 7/30/2011 7:27AM

    I'm proud of you for standing your ground and doing what the wife asks you to do. You are a great person my friend and I cannot believe Susie. Change your freakin nail appointment!!! I would have likely made a smart remark about then. Gheesh! Like she really gives a damn? Don't give up on you as you're doing the right thing to hold your ground. emoticon

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PINK-PEONY 7/30/2011 6:16AM

    Hugs. Your SIL is very fortunate to have your support. I'm glad you realized you were also not treating yourself kindly before dinner instead of after. Even when venting, you are so classy. :)

Melissa

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WALKINGGRANDMA 7/30/2011 1:18AM

    Two words. Pillow Therapy.

Take a pillow and place it over the offending orifice. Press tighter until it ceases to make unpleasant noise. (Theirs, not yours)

It is so hard to have a loved one die. It is hard for the arrangements to be made and you are right, it is the last thing his wife does for him. It is her choice. Funerals are for the living and not the dead. They are the opportunity to say goodbye, to finish your feelings, to process the death.

Move on. Take the cleansing breath. Smile and stand your ground. Those who care will be there. Those who don't will be absent. You will have a better time that way.

They are full of emotional blackmail. Eating is a great coping mechanism. Not healthy but great for coping. Glad you are back on track.

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CATEECHER 7/29/2011 10:47PM

    Di,
So sorry you are having to deal with so much more after already having to deal with the loss. I know how hard it can be to try and please everyone while at the same time staying true to what you know you need to do and needs to be done. You are obviously a strong woman and I know you will be able to handle it even if at times it doesn't seem like it. Hang in there and know there are people who you have never met who love you and support you and are sending good thoughts to you.

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SOCKITTOME 7/29/2011 10:46PM

    Don't stress about the food too much at the moment. I did the same when my brother died and then when my father died 2 years later -- ate my way through both.

Wow, your families sound like...well, I don't know...a bunch of 2 year olds? And your husband's family -- that's pretty amazing. You're doing what his wife wants and it's right for her to call the shots. Hang in there, Di -- you're not in an easy position, and if they don't like it, they can just kiss your grits.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!


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MT-MOONCHASER 7/29/2011 10:18PM

    emoticon

I am continually amazed at the actions of some people when there is a death involved. I have seen some of it in my own family, but not to such an extent.

I have seen families that don't speak for years or forever because of things that were said or done when a loved one passed away.

Just keep above the fray and make as healthy a choice you can in each situation.

Know that your family is really not so different from a lot of other families.

Another emoticon

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SRHALLIN 7/29/2011 9:26PM

    You're looking out for his widow during what is possibly the most difficult time in her life. Perhaps, think of yourself as a shield for the woman that he loved most. She's emotionally very vulnerable and he would want you to protect her.

Seriously, if Susie can't change out a nail appointment for a funeral; she doesn't want to attend. And regardless, those remarks are based on the wants of others, and not the widow; whose wishes should take precedent.

Pardon my directness, please, but who is so vulgar and self-centered that they would make a funeral about them, and not the departed?

I can only imagine how stressful this has been for you; but, please know that the fault is not your own. If I were the deceased, I would be glad to know that you were looking out for my wife. And if I were the deceased's wife, would be very grateful for your protection during my hour of need. Stay strong.

And, remember that if you remain firm in taking good care of yourself, you'll be in a much stronger position to continue taking care of others.

Comment edited on: 7/30/2011 2:28:03 PM

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CLAIRESML 7/29/2011 9:13PM

    sounds very stressful.... sorry emoticon emoticon

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SHARONSPARKLE 7/29/2011 6:45PM

    You are doing fine and are following out instructions left to you. Don't worry about the cutting remarks that are directed your way. I hope your DH is standing up for you with his family. Hang in there as this too will pass.

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DYNAMICDEB53 7/29/2011 5:07PM

    Di, you are doing the best you can and I know that is under appreciated, it always happens. You are doing it for your brother in law.
Try to do the best that you can with eating, just remember that your are working toward better health.
Lots of hugs for you.
Deb

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GRINGUITA 7/29/2011 2:05PM

    Vent away! People act very strangely when it comes to death. Some of them are obviously taking their grief/guilt/etc. out on you because you are handy. Hang in there!
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Comment edited on: 7/29/2011 2:06:15 PM

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/29/2011 1:21PM

    Good for you for looking out for the widow and running interference with the family. Let's hope they are being irrational in their grief and they are not as callous and insensitive as they sound.
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DONNA_VT 7/29/2011 1:18PM

    Di, Sorry your family and DH family are so selfish that they are only thinking of themselves and not the widow or you. Glad we were here for you to vent to. emoticon

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CHALLENGER15 7/29/2011 12:57PM

    You are doing a great job, and what a nice thing you are doing for the widow. I CAN believe all of this - we must be cousins! Hang in there...

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LISA0517 7/29/2011 12:20PM

    OMG, I can't believe the family is acting like that! A funeral/memorial is never on a good day convenient for everyone. You just have to rearrange your own personal schedule so you can show your respect, support, and love for the family.

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DIVARAT 7/29/2011 12:07PM

    considering emotional eatting is part of what got us where we are and why we're on sparkpeople i'm learning it's extremely valid AND HELPFUL to vent here. better to say it in a forum then bury it under food.

*HUGHUGHUG*

i am so, so sorry for all you are going through. clearly you are a natural leader. people turn to you in time of crisis. sadly, this means that there will always be someone finding fault with you or resenting you for the 'power' you posess that they feel they lack. in reality, they are angry someone they loved is gone, and likely feeling a great deal of guilt for what they did or didnt do while he was alive. and now, they have a target. what you need is a sheild. a great big deflection sheild, like captain amaerica! A sheild of 'their anger is their pain given voice.. it is not mine.. this is not my fault" take a deep breath and remember you need time to greive too.

i admire you. how you handle this for your family. how you continue to work on your health and how you continue to lead us despite such devestating circumstances. Thank you, Di. Thank you for all that you do! You are in my thoughts!

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_KATHY 7/29/2011 11:44AM

    I went through some of that when my Dad passed. It's such a tough time for everyone. Emotions are high and patience and understanding are low. You are being true to yourself and your values and that will carry you through.
Hugs
Kate

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KNH771 7/29/2011 11:00AM

    "SHE HAS A NAIL APPOINTMENT!" Seriously?!

I guess everyone grieves differently and you have to give them space to do it. I'm sorry that you're bearing the brunt of their emotional rollercoaster right now. Hang in there.

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MRE1956 7/29/2011 10:28AM

    That is so damned UNCLASSY of your DHF - really, karma needs to give them a good ol' smackdown - IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM!

I mean, really - Susie's flippin' NAILS - and "WE NEED YOU TO CHANGE....." over N A I L S?

REALLY?
SERIOUSLY?

WTF?

("Howard Beale" gets off the ol' soapbox now.....)

I am so, SO sorry about all this.....

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Comment edited on: 7/29/2011 10:29:33 AM

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PATRISNA 7/29/2011 10:25AM

    Di,
I am glad you vented and didn't hold it in. I agree with NOTABOUTHEFACE & MICKEYMAX.


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GABBY308 7/29/2011 10:10AM

    Vent here anytime you want. You have a lot to deal with right now, like being asked to change the date because someone has a nail appt.? Wow...was that an exaggeration or a real reason? Hang in there... emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 7/29/2011 9:53AM

    Death does horrible things to people you often see truer colors than normal. You're carrying out the widows wishes, THAT'S what matters. The rest of them can blow it out their ditty bags!

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MICKEYMAX 7/29/2011 9:52AM

    Di, I think you are acting so amirably, and handling it as best as you can udner the circumstances. I am sure you BIL is looking down that hoping you know how much he appreciated the lengths that you are going to - to assist in this. It certainly sounds like you are going above and beyond. Sounds like Susie needs a smackdown. :)

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WATERDIAMONDS 7/29/2011 9:48AM

    Oh my word, I am sorry that you are dealing with this on top of losing whoever it is that has passed away.

You're handling it with aplomb and more tact than most might have. Just do all you can to eat healthy, get a bit of exercise and sleep well. All three will help you with folks like this.

Good luck.

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"Because of my size"

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

When we were looking through old photographs that one phrase kept repeating in my head.

Why didn't I go on the rides when we took the boys to the amusement park? "Because of my size"
Why didn't I go in the ocean with everyone, or into the lake when we went there? "Because of my size"
I didn't go to my grandma's funeral. I did have a new baby who was very sick, but even if he had been able to travel I wouldn't have gone if I had to fly alone. Why? "Because of my size."

Unfortunately for me this goes back even further than my adulthood. Didn't go to prom. Didn't have a real boyfriend until college. Didn't do so many activities I could have in my teen years "because of my size".

I am just here to put on record that it is my sincere goal to NEVER utter those words again.

I know I have made progress in this. I have quit putting a lot of life off until I'm 'thinner'.

I didn't used to travel because of my size. I know this might sound silly to some but even besides worrying about fitting in the seats on planes I was worried about things like could I fit in the bathroom on the planes? Could I use toilets in Europe that don't have bases to them (they just hang out of the walls) Could I fit in a cabin on a cruise comfortably? What if I break the furniture? It is hard to overcome all those fears when you let your life be colored by them.

But I am grateful there are colors in the world I have not had to miss because I finally decided I was worth enjoying life 'at my size'. The amazing blues of the water in the Caribbean, the myriad of greens in Ireland, the amazing color that reflects off the old buildings in Italy in the afternoon that just can't be described.

Still, I know there are times I say no when I should say yes. And in my head I can always hear that old excuse "because of my size."

No more. I know there are safety concerns obviously that need to be addressed. I probably cannot bungee jump (not that I want to) and might be over the safe weight limit for crazy things. But I don't want to do those crazy things anyway. I just want to live in the world around me. All of it. There are more colors to discover out there and I want my own little personal rainbow to have all of them.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPBYSTEP33 8/5/2011 5:59PM

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. I can relate to what you are saying. I am glad you're living life to the fullest. emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/5/2011 3:56PM

    emoticon gosh... we live such parallel lives. thank you for writing this blog. Love you, Dawn emoticon

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MICKEYMAX 7/29/2011 9:54AM

    Really beautiful, Di. I can relate!

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SOCKITTOME 7/29/2011 9:08AM

    Another wonderful blog! I was able to relate to the things you didn't do "because of your size" as I had the same types of issues, even in high school (no prom, no boy friend, etc.).

Look at the progress you've made! You are living life, even with the curveballs coming your way, and that is what matters. Onward and upward, Di!


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4AMAZINGME 7/29/2011 4:32AM

    Inspiring!


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JLEE123 7/28/2011 5:28AM

    Guess why I have never used the toilet on a plane? The one time I braving up. I had watched two ladies going in the handicapped lav. after a loooooong time emerging, just as I was headed there thinking that if they both could fit? The flight attendant locked the door and taped a huge bio-hazard sticker on the door. To this day I wonder? and I wait. J

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VHALKYRIE 7/27/2011 5:13PM

    I can relate to everything you're saying. I, too, was once afraid to live. No more. I live life - every day!

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 7/27/2011 4:46PM

    I want to do crazy things! Never did, until I got to an "average" size, though.

Seriously, who takes up extreme sports like WW kayaking and snowboarding in their mid-40s?

Funny how that works. LOL

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KIMBANN 7/27/2011 1:27PM

    This is a super inspirational blog that I can so relate to. I am going to ban that sentence from my vocabulary as well. Thanks so much for sharing this!

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BECKYB73 7/27/2011 11:21AM

    Truer words are rarely spoken. This blog made me take a closer look at myself and I don't like what I'm seeing.

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MAMADWARF 7/27/2011 10:55AM

    Voted for popular blog award by the way.

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TERRYT55 7/27/2011 10:48AM

    I could have written this blog........I used to be afraid to leave my house on some days or even go to family gatherings. Thanks for the reminder to live life to the fullest no matter what your size and enjoy the colors along the way!



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BECOMING_HOLLY 7/27/2011 10:42AM

    I love this blog! Seriously though, it is so important!

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REBECCAMA 7/27/2011 10:41AM

  Way to go!

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MAMADWARF 7/27/2011 10:37AM

    Voted for popular blog award by the way.

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BAYBELIEVER 7/27/2011 10:27AM

    So true. For some reason, I think this is one of the major strengths of Sparkpeople. Not only losing weight and getting healthier, but changing our mindsets so that we know that we can and should enjoy all that life has to offer! Yes, there are things that we can't do for safety reasons, but there is so much I/we were missing out on by feeling that our size limited our opportunities. When really, it is our minds. I love the reference to "colors". When you said that, it just brought it all together that there are so many colors to be enjoyed! But we can't stay in our living rooms to see them all!

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SUSSA1222 7/27/2011 9:35AM

    Great Blog. Thanks for sharing. I think we all have used this excuse to "hide" ourselves away from others or things we want to do. The great thing is-is we can change our weight or our attitude about about weight and still love and live life!

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DIVARAT 7/27/2011 8:59AM

    what an amazingly powerful realization! thank you so very much for sharing this. i have faced many of these sames fears and limitations and made choices based less on living and more on avoiding or protecting or hiding. i'm proud of you that you've come so far and have stated your new moto "NEVER AGAIN!". i look forward to hearing from you all the ways in which you might catch yourself trying to limit yourself - and how you will push through! bravo, di! bravo!
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GEORGIA_KAY 7/27/2011 7:31AM

    I almost feel the way you do. I hope I can cross over that line in my head completely very soon. I'm still in a place that I feel very limited about the things I can or cannot, will or will not do, because of my size...but everyday I come closer to believing that I can.

Thanks, Di for sharing this blog with us. No matter how long I've been here, I still get inspired by someone who has Been There, like you have. I know you're still struggling and still have doubts sometimes too, but it its such a comfort to know that real progress can be made.

Comment edited on: 7/28/2011 11:44:57 PM

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BEATLETOT 7/27/2011 3:24AM

    Great blog!

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MAMADWARF 7/26/2011 10:00PM

    Love it. No more holding back!!! Hooray to living your life!!!

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DYNAMICDEB53 7/26/2011 8:09PM

    Di great attitude!! I agree with you things never done, but now no more need to live life and have some fun!
WAY TO GO
smiles and hugs
Deb

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RUN2MYDREAMS 7/26/2011 4:09PM

    Di, your words really touched me! Thanks for helping me remember not to miss out on life "because of my size". Life should be lived to the fullest and I don't want to deprive my daughter of her mother!

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KNH771 7/26/2011 3:32PM

    Amen!

I've been there. Still working on it...

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SHARONSPARKLE 7/26/2011 3:15PM

    Don't all of us with excessive weight use that excuse! I have the mantra "when I reach normal weight" playing out in my mind and that holds me back. I'll try to get over it with you!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 7/26/2011 1:30PM

    Wonderful words of wisdom! I too have stepped back from life "because of my size" and been fearful of trying many things I truly want to do. Your blog is providing motivation and encouragement - and inspiring me to remove that phrase from my vocabulary!
Thank you!
Sheila

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LINDAINALABAMA 7/26/2011 1:23PM

    emoticon great blog, as always, di. thanks for sharing your thoughts. and i know exactly what you mean about those rainbow of colors.

much good luck
today is a good day
linda

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DANSAPPHI 7/26/2011 1:02PM

    This is a great blog. Best of luck on your journey, I hope that little voice in your head gets quieter as you go along.

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/26/2011 12:50PM

    I have the same thing playing in my head, and from your blog, probably just about as long as you. I have been playing that song right now regarding finding a new job. But as you said in your previous blog - Life is too short! I am going to keep your rainbow in mind.
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KLMEL2010 7/26/2011 12:26PM

    well said.

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NEVERGIVEUP1969 7/26/2011 12:19PM

    Boy do I know exactly what ur talking about!!! Thank you for expressing what I so many times have said, at least in my head. I wouldn't sit in some chairs, I would rather stand though that was killing me because I didn't want to take the chance of the chair breaking. I love this blog Di!!!!!

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DESIDERATA~GIRL 7/26/2011 11:47AM

    This is a great blog - I know how you feel! I've always wanted to learn how to surf but always felt too heavy to don a wetsuit and try but I'm planning of getting lessons soon! I don't want my weight to hold me back and stop me from enjoying life. I have done that a lot in past and I want it to stop now!

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DARKTHOR 7/26/2011 11:40AM

    I think this is wonderful. We have to live our lives, no matter our current size. The alternative is to just have life pass us by. No way, not anymore!

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MIZCATHI 7/26/2011 10:55AM

    My size made me hide for many years. Or I was hiding behind my size. No more. And as I've learned to care for myself better, and move, and decide that what strangers think is not important to me, my size is adjusting so that I can do many more things. It was very liberating once I stopped hiding and started trying.

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_KATHY 7/26/2011 10:19AM

    Thanks Di, for sharing your rainbow. Always an inspiration.
Hugs
Kate

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1CRAZYDOG 7/26/2011 9:20AM

    emoticon You are worth it! Life is so short and fragile that it is our job to make every day count, and it sure sounds like you're doing that. Good for you!

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LAURENVC26 7/26/2011 9:17AM

    Great blog, and since my size has gone larger I've kinda been doing the same thing. You've given me my inspirational quote of the day "I just want to live in the world around me" so thank you for writing this blog and inspiring me to get up and go today.

Lauren x

...::: Let Your Dreams Blossom :::...

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 7/26/2011 9:14AM

    You know I identify. It's hard to get over those knee jerk reactions to say no but just remember this blog the next time you feel the urge to say no for the old reasons. Enjoy the rainbow!

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