Dear Di revisited

Friday, August 12, 2011

Ten weeks ago as part of my Summer Challenge I was to write myself a letter to read at the end of it. I had forgotten about this, actually. Ten weeks is a long time when life is batting you around.

It hasn't been a good summer. Work, which is something I usually love, was difficult for awhile. I'm still recovering from that. My DH was laid off and we are dealing with the usual financial issues. My dear brother in law died. Still, reflection is a good thing and I'm going to copy my letter to myself here, and then look at how I feel things turned out:

Dear Di,

Ten weeks ago you were just beginning to feel hopeful again. Life issues had been pushing you towards a new commitment to your health, and you were determined to go back to what worked for you before: staying in range, logging your food and exercising. It's pretty simple, really, when you break it down.

You know by now that whatever results you had from the 10 week challenge: you earned.
It is my sincere hope that you earned a loss, that you are feeling lighter, that you were feeling more energized. We know you can choose your path.

I hope you have learned to relax a little more, get a good nights sleep, enjoy the lovely weather and walk outside every chance you got. I hope you learned to love yourself a little more, right where you are.

Finally, you are going to post here a photo of yourself that is a close up, and you are going to look at that photo and not immediately say how old you think you look! You are going to look at this photo, your new profile pic, and tell yourself that you are looking at a strong and capable woman who loves deeply and loves with action and is learning to apply those things to herself.

Now go give yourself a hug!

(End of Letter)
Okay, so here are the positives for the summer:
I finished up a barrage of medical testing and can comfortably if not always happily LIVE with the results. The living part is the good part of this, btw...even with some discomfort and pain I am still able to live. I'll take it.
Some of the medical results were actually positive! My diabetes is totally in control, my heart is strong and I'm free of blockages or clots or tumors. I'll take it.
I AM ending this challenge with a loss. And that is the first time that has happened in a long time. I'm currently at -8.5 for 9 weeks and...I'll take it. It has been a long time since I felt I was moving in the right direction. I am tracking. I am feeling that my new lifestyle is more a habit than an effort. I have adjusted to having celiac's and that isn't a food issue as it was in the beginning. Small additions to my activity are becoming second nature to me. I feel it important that I exercise "with purpose" and by that I always mean I went to the gym...but I am catching myself adding steps, stairs, the long way around almost all the time. Those are very positive changes.

So all in all, difficult summer aside, I am happy with where I stand today. Did I meet ALL my goals? No. Did I bat 1,000...get to the finish line first...get 100% on the test? No. But I DID make some pretty good progress, I'm still IN the game, and the finish line isn't going anywhere so I can still get there. I'll take it.

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August Goals

Thursday, August 04, 2011

My 200+ team has asked that we set some August goals so here mine are:

1. Log my food daily-it really helps!
2. Do intentional exercise at least 3 days out of 5 (work days)
3. Get at least 6 hours of sleep a night
4. Give myself some 'down time' at least once a week.
5. Do some out door exercise every week (while it's nice here)

I am going to stop there as I want to set goals I have a chance of meeting. I didn't include water because I drink so much of that now I float through the day as it is!

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Update to venting

Saturday, July 30, 2011

First, I'm headed to get DS home for a couple weeks so can't respond to everyone individually but thank you all.

No, Susie was not her real name and yes I was being dramatic about her reason but it was equally stupid. Don't care, she can stay home.

I SO appreciate the support here! You guys are THE BEST and I truly mean that. I felt so much better, was able to go to work. Talked to Tucker's wife and shared some of this family frustration and we had a really good laugh about it which was much needed to de-stress. She feels like most of you did: let them stay home if they don't like it. She was actually really gracious and thanked us for what we're trying to do. It was her choice that we handle the arrangements, not ours, but we'll do it for them both.

Here is a photo of Tucker we ran across. He hated having his picture taken so we all had a good laugh about this yesterday because we know he was probably saying to my DH "if you don't get that camera out of my face I will beat you with it." Let people take your pictures! We have so few of him.

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Venting

Friday, July 29, 2011

I didn't have a great food day yesterday. I'll recover, but I was certainly trying to eat down some of my feelings. I recognized it a little after the fact but enough to recover for the evening, and I focused on a very small portion of grilled chicken and lots of fruits and veggies for dinner. But it will help, I think, as I face today if I do a little venting here...so feel free not to read any further!

A couple of my family have called because of the memorial date set.
My family:MF
MF: I hate that it's that day. I won't be able to come.
Me: That's too bad, I would have loved to have you there.
MF: Oh well, it can't be helped. I'll be thinking of you all.

And my husbands Family: DHF
DHF: Why did you set that date? we hate that date?
Me: His widow chose the date. I'm working with her.
DHF: We hate that day. Susie can't come that day. She has a nail appointment.
Me: Susie hasn't seen him in 15 years anyway and they live 30 miles apart.
DHF: She wanted to pay her respects.
Me: Probably would have been nice to have done that when he was still here.
DHF: Why are you in charge of everything?
Me: The widow put me in charge. I'm doing what she wants.
DHF: You're ruining this for everyone.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. We're all doing the best we can under difficult circumstances.
DHF: We want you to change the date.
Me: That isn't going to happen. No matter what date we chose it would probably be an issue for someone. We're just going with this and if people can come, great. If they can't, we understand.
DHF: We think you're a terrible witch....


Okay, so that is a little dramatized....but it's about how it's been. DH's mother has been calling him because I'm so stubborn. His sister calls everyone in the family to say I refuse to let her help with anything. I told her flat out that I actually have had her help... a lot...but everything I'm doing at the moment means laying out money for something and she has no money, so it's a little hard for her to help. I did have to email a couple of them and say look, I know we all loved him, but he belongs to her (the wife) and so she gets to decide how to do this. We will all just have to live with that.

Argh.

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"Because of my size"

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

When we were looking through old photographs that one phrase kept repeating in my head.

Why didn't I go on the rides when we took the boys to the amusement park? "Because of my size"
Why didn't I go in the ocean with everyone, or into the lake when we went there? "Because of my size"
I didn't go to my grandma's funeral. I did have a new baby who was very sick, but even if he had been able to travel I wouldn't have gone if I had to fly alone. Why? "Because of my size."

Unfortunately for me this goes back even further than my adulthood. Didn't go to prom. Didn't have a real boyfriend until college. Didn't do so many activities I could have in my teen years "because of my size".

I am just here to put on record that it is my sincere goal to NEVER utter those words again.

I know I have made progress in this. I have quit putting a lot of life off until I'm 'thinner'.

I didn't used to travel because of my size. I know this might sound silly to some but even besides worrying about fitting in the seats on planes I was worried about things like could I fit in the bathroom on the planes? Could I use toilets in Europe that don't have bases to them (they just hang out of the walls) Could I fit in a cabin on a cruise comfortably? What if I break the furniture? It is hard to overcome all those fears when you let your life be colored by them.

But I am grateful there are colors in the world I have not had to miss because I finally decided I was worth enjoying life 'at my size'. The amazing blues of the water in the Caribbean, the myriad of greens in Ireland, the amazing color that reflects off the old buildings in Italy in the afternoon that just can't be described.

Still, I know there are times I say no when I should say yes. And in my head I can always hear that old excuse "because of my size."

No more. I know there are safety concerns obviously that need to be addressed. I probably cannot bungee jump (not that I want to) and might be over the safe weight limit for crazy things. But I don't want to do those crazy things anyway. I just want to live in the world around me. All of it. There are more colors to discover out there and I want my own little personal rainbow to have all of them.

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