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Getting back to me

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I started this journey because I saw myself, believe it or not, on accidentÖ.naked in a mirror! I saw that person and could not believe I had let myself become that obese person! I hate that word ďobeseĒ it is so clinical! ďFatĒ is just ugly but ďobeseĒ is so cold. It is a medical term for people who are a certain amount of pounds over the average weight. Iím not just ďobeseĒ but worseÖ..Ēmorbidly obeseĒ. That is even worse!

The problem is I donít see myself as that. I donít love my body although all I hear is I should. I donít like the way I look. I HATE the way I look. Iím not proud that my failure to be a normal weight has eluded me. People KNOW that when they see you. It is like failure is written all over you!

I seem to be able to do anything I put my mind to so why canít I lose weight? I heard Dr. Phil once say that if you arenít losing the weight it is because you are getting something out of being overweight. Well, I thought that was a bunch of hullabaloo. But, when I look at it, in aÖ get this, ďmorbidĒ way I guess I am! I plain old like to eat. It gives me an outlet when I am stressed. It gives me a way to ďdull my sensesĒ which is what TOPS says. Iím not happy with that any more.

I hope that when I make it to my goal I will be happy by then to eat what is good for me and find an exercise program that will stick and not make me die of boredom. But, most of all I hope that when I get back to a normal weight I can find ME again. The me I have lost. The one who once again loves her body with all its faults and can participate more in life instead of acting like I donít want to!

So, here is to getting back to me!


How many years do I have?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

SoÖ..Iím not a spring chicken any more. How many years do I have left to live? As we age we think more about our mortality. It is so much closer to the end of my life on this earth than I want to think about. I honestly canít imagine the world without me! But, it will come and I want to have lived as I should have. Even though my weight has limited me in recent years I have a good life and have done some interesting things. It hasnít been wasted. But, I think I could do so much more with what is left of my life and enjoy it more if I lost this weight.

There is a book I am anxious to read. I believe it is called 100 Days with Eleanor. I understand it is someone who has taken Eleanor Rooseveltís advice and done something she was afraid of every day for 100 days. Now I am afraid to begin that journeyÖ..lol but I am going to read it and see what advice she has for me. Maybe it will stretch me.

Iím the type that makes new goals when I finish old ones. I like to make lists and check off things. I like to stretch myself. There are some things I am afraid of that I refuse to do anything about. For instance, I will NOT pick up a spider I donít care how harmless it is. I have done a roller coaster and donít care to do it again. So, I might be a tough student to make do something she is afraid of! But, weíll see. More to come.


Eat like a girl

Friday, February 10, 2012

I donít want to lose this weight again. This time I want it gone. I donít want to struggle with 100 pounds of fat again. No wonder I am tired when I walk somewhere. Carrying all this weight is tiring. I think of what a beating my feet and knees take. No wonder high heels hurt. I think I could still wear them for a night once in a while if I could drop this weight.

To feel light again would be heaven. To be able to wear the clothes I want to wear again. Iím a girly girl and I canít wear anything that doesnít look like a sack. I give up on the way I look often. Once in a while I think I look pretty good and see a picture later and realize I didnít look good. I look fat. That is the first thing people see is fat. They judge me for that. So, the hair goes in a bun because it is easier and I get hot, because what difference does it make? During my dating years, I didnít come out of the bathroom until I looked good. Now my poor husband sees me at my worst.

I lack self confidence about anything physical. I know I am worthy, a good person and intelligent enough but people see me differently unless they know me well. The problem with that is they donít get that far when they see my weight. Like it or not, they donít want to get to know me well. Those people I shouldnít care about because they are likely fair weather friends. But, to be honest, we all have preconceived ideas about people, and it is natural to be drawn to pretty people. Iím not talking about the redneck -wife beater shirt wearers- I mean regular people. I try very hard not to be judgmental about people but I am sure I do about some things if I think real hard.

So I am trying to eat like a girl and not a lumberjack!


It feels like I have been doing this forever!

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Why? It has only been a month! I am committed but impatient. Of course it doesn't help that I don't have a scale to gauge my weight. I am doing my Weight Loss Bucket List and seeing some progress in my clothes but I know I have 50 to lose for my goal this year and I want to see how I am doing on the scale! UGH

I also need to battle that feeling like I have been doing this forever. It needs to be forever. I think in the back of my mind is things will change and I won't have to do this when I lose it all. I know intellectually this is not true. I will have to do this forever. But, I see all these recipes I want to do that aren't on my plan and if I can eat a portion I know I would struggle with feeling it wasn't enough.

I am struggling with the change of my relationship with food. I know I can do this and this will be the year but I still battle it every day.

Sometimes I just want some comfort food! If I were home I could eat a big salad but where I am I don't have those choices which seem to be making the transition more difficult. I refuse to give up.


Zipping my coat

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Okay so I have no scale over here in Kazakhstan. I'm too embarrassed to go to the hotel desk and ask for theirs. It is in kilograms or something and all the clerks weigh 50 pounds. I never weigh in front of anyone anyway! So, I am judging my progress by my clothes.

When I left I America I could zip my coat. When I started keeping track of my food I couldn't. That was a month ago and I still can't zip my coat although I can tell I am losing in my clothes. I will likely be here until the end of March. I plan to zip it before I leave!


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