Friday, November 14, 2008
so lately i've been going through a lot of things...feelings, emotions, what have you.
i've been stressed, depressed and everything in between and am trying to figure life out.
for some reason, i thought maybe if i disappeared from spark, things would be easier and i'd have more time. not to mention my feelings got hurt and i got confused.
anyway, it didn't solve anything. i missed my friends on here (you guys) soo much and i am really really really sorry for abandoning all of you. it was wrong of me, but i'm human and i made a mistake so i hope i can please have your forgiveness.
i decided to come back, so i hope no one hates me and you all accept me again with open arms.
because of school and life, i can't spend AS much time on here as i want to though.
but i promise promise promise i won't disappear again.
also, i moved my blog to blogspot- www.dianemary126.blogspot.com so non spark friends can read it too
i've still been good with clean eating and working out every day even though i wasn't on here.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
another overdo blog. i got screwed working nights 3 times a week at the chiro office for 6 weeks ( i hate working nights, i go in at 3pm, come home around 9 and i'm so tired i go straight to bed often) and also i am really focusing on school...so my spark time is limited lately i am sorry to say. i can't be on as much as i wish i could so if it's been taking me longer then it was to comment, reply and get back to anyone i really really am sorry!
this week has NOT been a good one..i've been emotionally sad and frustrated and i feel like me being depressed is coming back in full force which sucks because i was doing so good for so long..but more on that in a little bit..first some happy stuff!
okay at the chiro office (work) this whole week i was staring all day at 3 bowls of tootsie rolls (a childhood fave) my boss put out for halloween. so how many did i have?? NONE!!!! it's not become a daily game now- i walk in and say "hi candy. i am better then you are. i don't need you toxicating up my body thank you very much!
DIANE VS. COOKIE
monday night i go into work and my boss made homemade chocolate chip cookies from scratch and brought me one...she was kind enough to bring me only one b/c as she said "i know you don't like eating this stuff so i fiured more then one and you might hate me"..i'm looking at this thing and on one hand thinking "MmMmMmMmMmMmMmM" but then the stronger, smarter hand is thinking "this is sugar. this is pure crap. this will not get you ripped my dear and you damn well know it" So after having a staring contest with the cookie for an hour and really not wanting it but not wanting to hurt my boss' feelings, i made this decision: i took one little bite b/c i thought "what if there's another ingredient in it i can't taste and she asks me?" and i didn't want to be rude and clueless...so one bite- turns out yup, walnuts were in it too and then i was going to flush the rest of the thing but i felt bad wasting food (even if it is crap) so i wrapped it up put it in my bag and gave it to my (doesn't care what she eats despite having me in her house) mom who savored it in the car. i threw out the ziplock she put it in, purposely put a few crumbs on the desk and said to her "the cookie was so good, the walnuts gave it a unique taste"...alls well, ends well...haha sugary demon cookie- I WON!
and also, my mom decided to make her incrdible homemade chocolates for halloween 2 days ago. again, haven't had a candy yet and here's why...i wouldn't mind treating myself to 1 piece but they are so damn good i know it will never be "one piece" so i am better off not having any then having 10...this temptation is hard though- i look at them every day i walk into the house they are on the table.
so it's only the start of the holidays and temptation is everywhere i turn. i really came a long way with eating clean and eating good, the fact that i know what is in the cookies, cake, candy and know how bad it is for my body (forget just the being thin, fit part) makes it easier to turn down. i like eating right, eating clean i know i am fueling my body to the best of it's ability so it can perform.
that being said on saturday i did have half a cup of soy chocolate ice cream. I HAVEN'T HAD ICE CREAM IN OVER A MONTH AT LEAST...that's huge for me...so i measured 1/2 a cup, it was in my daily caloric allowence and said occasional treat no harm done and i don't feel bad about it...however while eating the ice cream i did not enjoy it the way i used to..it tasted okay but i was kind of looking at it like "what nutrients are you giving my body mr. ice cream? none. you really aren't worth it" now that my friends, is what i believe we call an epiphany
so i'm just about finishing up recovery week 1 in p90x..I HATE RECOVERY WEEK!! okay so the not as intense workouts, extra stretching and yoga part is nice but all week i've felt and looked like a soft squishy blimp! (okay maybe not a blimp but u know what i mean) Just hardness of muscle, definition from last week went into hiding from not lifting weights for a few days. it's disgusting and crazy! Someone I know told me I am being paranoid and it is all mental and that the whole thing about feeling "squishy" is all mental. they said its normal that your arms and legs look more buff and tight because of the muscle swelling and it's short lived for the moment and you just have to work at building your muscle stronger and harder in the long run. swelling schmelling i don't care if it's short lived- i like the effect! so this weeks been rough i've been hiding under super baggy clothes and being extra cautious with what i eat (and honestly i've been eating super good except for the 1 soy ice cream treat)
I know my body NEEDS the recovery week to recover and rebuild the muscle tears in the fibers and that i'm sure next week when i go back to weights i will feel stronger and realize how beneficial it is. i am smart enough to know it but i am not mentally strong enough to except this soft look! gross times 100
i miss my weights. i look foward to a hard core full blown strength training session on sunday!
by the way, i need to make this clear- i am not knocking p90x..i LOVE the program. tony horton has 25+ years of experience as a trainger and knows what he's doing which is why i didn't go against the recovery week and lift anyway like i so badly wanted to. it's just great the cross training- all different type of workouts from weights to plyometrics to kenpo to yoga so i become stronger, get better cardio and even more balanced and coordinated (which God knows i need) I am even starting to look foward to the 90 minute yoga sessions!
since it's recovery week that means i am almost done with my first month which means i need to take p90x 30 day pictures. i will probably do it mid next week so the blood rushes to my muscles again LoL
also, before i started recovery week i got on the scale, still 115!
so tomorrow is halloween- i decided to reuse my sleeping beauty costume i had from the 8th grade. yes it still fits, actually it's HUGE on me- my mom and aunt had to take it in so that made me feel good. i hope i look good in it (paranoid soft body loathing voice speaking) I've been doing the jillian michaels dandelion-cranberry-lemon drink for a few days to shed extra water weight.
honestly i really do feel bad i can't be on here as much as i want. i divide my online time between spark and team beachbody trying to help and coach people there
WARING (big vent and whine session about to happen..)
so like i said earlier i have been depressed again. i'm still job hunting, bebesport never called me back so i guess they hated me. i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to work there and i'm just starting to feel down again that i am not done with school yet that i don't have a REAL job (like a career) and that i am failing at life...
and now that it's starting to get colder and i am still alone and probably will be forever and now no one is gonna take care of me when i'm sick or old and i have no one to go to to hug me and say things will all be okay (my parents don't count because they don't get me a lot of the times and "think im ridiculous)
thats another thing it's like i'm 22 and i am still soo dependent on my parents for just about EVERYTHING. how lame am i?? i mean they raised me good and spoiled me and gave me evrything but now i'm afraid of the world pretty much. growing up i don't think in school i pushed myself as hard as i should have because everything for the most part i wanted was there thanks to them. don't get me wrong i love them to death and appritiate everything they ever did and do for me but i was soo sheltered.
now that i'm working night's i'm super pissed because it ruins my days and it's this one girl giving me drama and being a little (female dog) who works a different shift and won't be nice and switch sometimes for me. what goes around comes around so karma will get her good right?
lately also i've been in a little pain again and it's like WHY CAN'T I JUST FEEL LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING?????????? my body hates the cold weather so i've been stiff and it's hurting and it really makes me think why do i bother putting so much time and effort into taking care of myself when i am going to feel like crap anyway? then that thought leaves my mind and i say that i'd feel 100000 times worse if i didn't take care of myself and that's true but it's just like GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. the frustration of feeling pain helplessly when i do everything to fight it is beyond words i know how to type. its just completely unfair.
i feel like i'll never reach my true goal and get to where i am dying for my body to be if pain keeps coming and when i work out in pain and give 110% that's not good enough. Lord knows i work out through the pain though. it would really take ALOT for me to not even try.
i wish i lived in southern california- but back to the dependent thing- i can't move because i am completely terrified of living on my own. that and i can't afford it even though my body would feel 100 times better and i'd probably be 10000 times happier.
i wish i was a little girl again- before i cared how i looked, before i knew anything, when i was soo happy go lucky and nothing bothered me and i thought the world was some big great place and when my main stress in life was to decide what toy i wanted at toys r us every saturday. what happened to that little girl? where did she go?
i am sorry this blog is on the negative side. i cried myself to sleep almost every night this week and just had to let my feelings out somewhere. figure instead of on a message board where i usually go for support and was told i'm too pessimistic why not do it on my own blog? if people don't like it they don't read it and man if you actually sat there and read all of this i love you, you are amazing and thank you from the bottom of my heart!
hope everyone is having a good week! keep working out and eating right and you will get the body you want..if i still push to work out through pain and eat clean with temptation in the house- ANYBODY (yes you) can do it and succeed! trust me. i hope my next blog is a happier one and have a happy & safe halloween!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
hey sparkfriends! i hope you all are well- it's getting colder and colder in NYC- kind of went from summer to winter, holding onto fall for a split second....i am not a fan of the cold although i love boots hats scarves and glove- brrr
so here's a story (or 3 stories in one)-
i went to charlie brown's steakhouse (yes same place as last week) tonight w/ my friend andrea...she hasn't seen me since early august and commented how much skinnyer i look without me saying a thing! yay!...we mutually agreed on there b/c she loves steak and i love their salad bar- i had 5oz of plain grilled chicken before i went to dinner not to pay $13 for plain grilled chicken at the place because i wanted it for the protein aspect LoL...i was tempted to sneak my own chicken in but my dear friend might have been truly *mortified*...in the salad bar i got quinoa, edamame, chickpeas, black beans, olives, sunflower seeds, cherry tomatoes, beets, carrots and cucumber. didn't overdo any of it. i passed up the raisins & craisins because that dried fruit is dangerous- i love it. ..
anyway so i sit down after the salad bar and a random older (as in not much younger then my dad probably) aged man came running up to me and said "miss i have to say- i've been watching you from the salad bar and you have beautiful hair" then he looks at me and goes "your eyes are blue! so pretty to match your hair! you are just gorgeous all over!"..i was kind f shocked because this has never happened to me in real life, in public before so i smiled and thanked the man kindly- he walked away and i continued my meal....a few minutes late he comes running back and says "you know without me saying anything, my friend just was telling me how gorgeous this one girl is and it turns out he was talking about you too! he said you look like nicole kidman but it'd be the compliment to HER"...again, i was taken back and just smiled and said "thank you sir, that's really sweet. i hope you have a nice night"...
but..nicole kidman?..lol i wish i was super tall, skinny and stunning like her.
so this man's compliments really made me feel good today. i have to commend him for being brave enough to going up to a complete stranger to say something kind like that...so why can't the younger dudes around my age be doing this to me so i can find a prince charming? LoL j/k
the other day my dad went to hug me (i'm close with my parents. we hug.) and he was squeezing me and goes "how much weight did you lose?? you are getting smaller and smaller!" by weight loss i think he means i am losing inches from working out..but that made me feel good- especially because he noticed and he sees me every day. i didn't lose anymore weight, i am just toning up but he doesn't fully understand the difference- to him, i'm smaller so i had to lose weight Lol good old daddy
i never heard back from bebe sport- i went in last sunday and they told me they are still reviewing applications. i went in today and saw a girl i never saw before so i think they don't want me. i am kind of bummed about it the job would have been perfect...speaking of jobs another person who works at my current job is soo frustrating me right now- i won't get into it fully but i'm getting double screwed because of her and it's not fair and i tried complaining nicely and nothing was done. it kind of hurts because i am close with my boss and i think my boss likes her better then me and i am a HARD worker. i almost feel like because i am nice and work hard i am kind of being walked on..sorry i had to get that off my chest....
i need a second job...i want a real job like career job something that actually pays decent..i want to work in nutrition or fitness for a company, i'm open to suggestions (if you work in the nyc area in one of these industries and can help me- please meassage me thank you!)
so tomorrow is the last active day of week 3 for p90x- then is rest day and i am onto recovery week where i don't life weight or do ab moves...i need to schedule a massage- my usual therapist is MIA so i have to go overspend at a local random place- but the massage is much needed so i have no other choice...but yea not lifting weights- that is going to be WEIRD...i love my strength training..supposedly recovery week helps your muscles grow and you come into phase 2 stronger and rejuvinated and stuff...i can't believe my body though- i feel STRONG and the workouts don't get boring..i am even taking a strong liking to the neverending 90 minute yoga!
what else is new with me? hmmm...just really lonely still. leave it to the fall and holidays to do that to a girl.
oohhh that cereal site i posted in the last blog- so cool!! and i found a similar site (well also from hungry girl) to make your own bars & shakes! these i am DEFINATELY ordering! i managed to concoct a 190 calorie bar with 13g protein! woohoo!
i'm tired i'm babbling. i'm sorry. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE
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