Saturday, April 26, 2008
okay so yesterday was Atlantic City...despite my soar throat/stuffy nose/headache/etc i went anyway...
so ALL DAY i ate so good..almost extraordinary for me being out..then of course after dinner dessert came along and all my willpower and perfect day eating thrown out the window..
i had a normal breakfast at home- kashi waffles, 1 tbspn natural PB, berries and protein powder at 830am....
around 10:30/11am my dad stopped at a rest stop on the garden state parkway for them to eat breakfast and stretch- i got a grande skinny mocha from starbucks, 130 calories- i don't think it's clean but i love it, it's calcium and i was hoping the espresso would wake me up some (but it didn't)...........along with the drink i went into the convient store and got a pack of dry roasted pistacchio nuts as a snack-i kept eyeing the combo pretzels (another weakness) but refused to let them win so i made a healthy choice! the whole pack of nuts was about 190 calories not to mention the fiber, protein, healthy fats and other benefits of nuts..i only had a handful with my drink (good thing bout skinny mochas: they keep me full for hours) and saved the rest of the pack for later
lunchtime came aorund 1/1:30. my body is used to lunch between 12 and 1 so when 1:15 came in the casino i literally thought i was dying..we went to the mall to the cute little cafe place and i got a salad with no dressing, baby spinach, grilled chicken, tomato, roasted red peppers, walnuts, onions (which i had to pick out since i hate) and fresh mozzerella cheese..okay the cheese- not so good but eyeballing it, they didn't get me more then an ounce and a half (cheap lol) but i don't eat cheese often at all anymore and it was really good! i was proud of me chosing a salad over a wrap or panini or something less healthy..
between lunch and dinner i finished those pistacchios i had from morning..they are so good!!
dinner comes we go to a private buffet in the casino...i go in and panic because 1st glance there was NOTHING that looked edible to me...the salad was pre drenched with creamy dressing (eeww times 100)...i took some green beans and carrots i think were steamed- i blotted them to be safe...the chicken had some crappy sauce on it but i asked a waitress if she can bring me out plain chicken with nothing on it and she did so thank God for that- tasted plain but i saved hella calories from the whoknowswhatitis sauce...and i also had not even a golf ball size amount of sweet potato- i love sweet potato but wasn't exactly sure how it was prepared so i limited it...
after dinner comes dessert..the part of the day i fear..at the buffet i wound up eating a chocolate chip cookie- a big one...it tasted pretty damn delicious but still why did i have the cookie?? 5 minutes after i ate i regretted it immediately because i just saw the word FAILURE in big red letters in my eyes...
i felt really bad so you would think i would have been able to pick back up afterwards and call it a day but what happens is ICE CREAM..about an hour later on the boardwalk we went for soft serve ice cream which i haven't had in who knows how long...i already felt bad about the cookie and my throat was hurting so i figured i messed up might as well have the cold numb my throat- which it did..but that's not a good mind set to have and i damn well know it..ughh...
yesterday was a rest day for exercise too kind of- but my mom and i walked ALOT on the boardwalk, in the mall, to the outlets- we walked a good 3 hours AT LEAST combined...not to mention i was wearing fit flops LoL but hopefully that burned some of the crap....
anyway so i figured overall last night you know i do have one treat day a week if i want it so i can use yesterday's night as that and just work out extra today and not worry..BUT i wake up today feeling even worse..i think i overdid it in AC yesterday and my head is KILLING ME and my sinus' are BURNING SO BAD i can barely get off the couch..i went to work and got sent home after a half hour b/c i'm that bad..during the week i felt sick and pushed myself to work out but i'm thinking this is why i'm not better yet...my mom is not letting me work out becuase "i have to rest and get better" and honestly i feel so crappy sitting up is kinda hurting..needless to say i think exercising is out today...
now today i woke up and my stomach looked like a blimp and i started to cry...family is coming over for my mom's birthday so good news is i'm not going out to eat...bad news: they are ordering pizza...i already told my mom to make me a salad for dinner (which she did) but i hope the smell of the pizza doesn't get to me- i haven't had pizza in forever...maybe if i have half a slice, blotted oil with no crust with my salad so i taste it? aahhh i'm going to fight hard not to because i poisoneed myself bad enough yesterday...
as for dessert today- my mom was really nice and made a pudding pie- she knows i HATE pudding (idk something about it is gross to me, always has been) so she made the pie so i won't be tempted b/c she felt bad about how i beat myself up over yesterday...hopefully no relatives bring anything tempting but i'll update this tonight or tomorrow with results
CONTINUATION SUNDAY MORNING:
i really don't get what's wrong with me...i had my salad with one slice of pizza..and then i had another slice of pizza...i didn't eat the crust and i blotted the heck out of them them but still....then dessert came and i had a weight watcher cookie and cream ice cream bar and a really thin slice of cake (it was about the size of a deck of cards if even) and then i discovered a box of those new flip side crackers things where its cracker & pretzel in one and- i'm not even commenting on that disaster.
right now i feel like the biggest hypocrite in the universe....i know better!!!- i know what i shouldn't eat and what is good and what is bad for me and i whine and moan about needing willpower and then time and time again i do it anyway...it's one thing to eat bad things and be unaware of how bad stuff really is...but it's entirely another situation for me to complain and keep doing it every weekend...why do i keep doing this to myself?!?!
why can i eat perfectly and clean during the week and then weekends come and i go so far out in the other direction?!?
for some reason yesterday though i was extra hungry...even with the pizza- i actually did wait 15-20 minutes before taking that second slice to listen to my body to tell me i'm full and it really didn't...even after the 2nd slice i didn't have that disgusting full bloat feeling (which i guess in a way is good? i didn't over stuff myself right)...actually throughout the whole night even though i ate like crap i never had that stomach ache super full gross feeling...i just felt ashamed and icky if that makes sense.
what's more is i come to realize i eat crap the days i don't work out. does that make sense? i'm still sick- all that burning and the headaches and stuff is allergies i'm pretty sure but regardless i didn't work out yesterday because of it and still consumed who knows how many non nutritional empty calories....i feel like a failure at life...
the fact i've been severely depressed and between the fibro and this allergy pain doesn't help me at all- the fact i'm in so much pain i can't work out we can certainly factor emotional eating into this equation..i honestly never help more hopeless and misrible in my life.
i'm wondering because i'm taking like 2-3 different medicines (i don't even know what they are exactly- sinus/allergy stuff mom keeps giving me) but i remember reading somewhere certain medicines can make you hungry and screw up your appetite so maybe they are partically to blame?
family functions really are bad for me eating wise. i don't know why EVERY SINGLE TIME i get as thrown off as i do with them and desserts. and it doesn't help to hear family comment on me yesterday along the lines of "wow you're actually eating" and things like that. it's quite irritating actually but you would think hearing those comments would make me be smart enough to put the crackers down- but no.
back to clean eating today...i still don't feel good- really weak/dizzy/burning feeling but after the past 2 days i'm going to attempt to work out. what's the worse that can happen at this point? i feel more horrible then i do? not possible- both physically and emotionally.
honestly it's hard to be young and female now adays.i mean i'm single and have to compete with girls who are gorgeous and have these perfect bodies. look at all the girls in the media how great their bodies are and then look at mine. i kind of wish i was a decade or so older because when that generation was my age they didn't have these pressures to have a perfect body like i have today. ugh i don't know anymore.
i'm a BIG mess right now...i've never felt so depressed/confused/messed up/like i've failed so bad at life...i just want to be toned and nice...my good friend- she's half my size and can eat a row of oreos and not gain an ounce. that's so unfair.
thanks for reading. any support right now any words at all- i honestly do appritiate them all. thank you and take care all.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
^ ^ ^ ^ ^
that's me in the bahamas. summer 2006. eeww.
so my parents don't watch their diet entirely really despite my constant free nutritional advice and me eating well but anyway for dinner yesterday as i ate my grilled chicken breast, steamed asparagus, and raw cucumber, green beans and celery root i watched both of them devour WHITE PASTA with broccoli rabe (yay a veggie) and mushroom in a sauce- their portions were enough for 3 people and there was no protein their their bowls...
Anyway my mom and I started talking about nutrition and don't get me wrong because i love her to death but she can be eating so much better then she is. Personally, i don't like any pasta except for the occasional ravioli or tortellini but if i have it 4 times a year that's alot... okay away I tell her "you know, there's nothing wrong with occasional pasta if you like it, but why not switch to brown? whole wheat? something healtheir then this" i get a response "it doesn't taste as good" telling her after a time or 2 she'd probably get used to it i told her the benefits of whole wheat and said white pasta really isn't a health food i hear "there's no meat sauce on this pasta so it's really healthy."bit my tongue then replied "ok fine u get points for a light sauce but white pasta is still not a health food. you didn't even get the fake healthy kind where they add nutrients in you just got toxic crappy white pasta" and i get a reply along the lines of white pasta is really good for you. i told her white anything has all the nutrients stripped out of it and is really a waste. it's one thing if you eat white food and are unaware that there are better options out there, but the fact this isn't the first time i told her bout benefits of a healthier option and she doesn't care still boggles my mind.
so after my mom giving me this "diane leave me and my unhealthy dinner choice alone" face i tell her okay if you want your regular pasta and won't switch to whole wheat fine but you should at least cut down to a normal portion. "normal portion?" she asked. :yes mom, the average serving of white pasta is around 220 calories for about 2oz or so" and just eyeballing her dish she had at least 6oz of pasta in there...this made her wake up a little to show how much she is consuming.
my mom is the opposite of me- i can never eat pasta for the rest of my life and not blink an eye where as it is her favorite food...i just want her and the rest of my family to make small changes because they will feel better inside and be healthier and i know it. at least mom is caring and knows me annoying her means well. i got myself into such a bad habit of criticizing everything i see everyone around me eat now- most of the time i keep it to myself unless asked but the white pasta being a health food thing i had to say something.
but my mom does have SOME healthy eating habits- i mean since i was a kid i grew up loving to snack of raw fruits and veggies (she said all the other moms were jealous) and i never drank soda because it wasn't in the house.
okay now that i told that story let's discuss my proud moment on monday...went to my 1st class from 9-12 didn't want to wait around till 2 and go to my 2nd class from 2-6 so came home around 1pm and ate lunch (kashi golean crunch cereal with berries)...wanted to exercise but i felt soo extraordinarily tired for some reason so figured let me lay on the couch for 10 minutes...i don't usually take naps, i can't recall the last nap i took but i wound up napping from 2-230 and woke up because my dog was barking...i woke up and still didn't want to move off the couch...i haven't had a rest day of working out in over a week and said to myself i should probably take it easy...continued to lay down on the couch and looked at my stomach and said something almost genius to myself--
"diane, laying on a couch all day will not make your abs appear. laying on a couch all day will not help you get the bikini body you want. sure you are comfortable now and the feeling is great but you will have to get your a$$ up anyway eventually and not be comfy anymore so how about you get up now work out?"
--i don't know where or how i came up with that, could be my determintation to completely love my body by summer but i got up and did a full fledge work out- slim in 6 series burn it up (60 minutes) and my intense ab routine on top of it that totals almost a half hour..granted through the entire workout as i was sweating i couldn't wait to be done but the feeling i had afterwards is undescribeable. knowing how i pushed myself hard i just felt so proud and realized that the feeling after a successful workout knowing i'm one step closer to the body of my dreams far surpasses the feeling of comfort laying down on a couch endlessly all day which does nothing in the long run" anyway, still being really tired i wound up falling asleep at 8pm that night..
turns out me being extra tired could be because i'm getting sick. yesterday i woke up with a soar throat and said "whatever" went to school with it came home and worked out with it..i said to myself, i didn't rest yesterday i'm not resting today. my throat wants to be soar it will be soar no matter what i do i might as well exercise...realizing i haven't rested and knowing i might be getting sick aside from lifting weights (it was a weight lifting day i couldn't miss) i did my ab routine and instead of a really intense slim series dvd for cardio i wound up only doing 30 minutes on the elliptical...i figured i don't get AS winded as it's better then doing nothing at all...after the workout i was happy i pushed myself, disappointed i didn't push myself full fledge to do slim series but had a massage scheduled at 7pm (I go every 2 weeks for my fibro) came home at 8 and went to bed early again since i was tired...
now today- the bad news- i woke up and soar throat still there- hurts even more then yesterday and a little in my left ear with a runny nose..i eat right and have more vitamin C then who knows so how on earth did i catch a cold??!!...decided to skip school (i never called out of work but school and attendance is a whole nother story with me, i'm bad with it) and i've been on the couch with the dog all morning...part of me (and my parents) and saying REST GIRL! RELAX! REST! and then everywhere i turn i'm seeing advertisements on bikini season and summer and i'm all aahhh
i know i'm not working out friday because of atlantic city i don't want to miss 2 days in the same week so close together! so right now i'm torn on what to do: rest or work out. i think i will rest my abs because i've done my ab routine every day for over a week...if i do work out i might do elliptical or walk outside (it's gorgeous out) or do something easier again but ahh i don't know i want a full sweat session! why did i have to get sick this week for? since monday i've been extra extra careful with eating clean since i haven't been feeling good and in case i do want to rest today i won't be too effected.
oh yea and the good news- i was supposed to go out to dinner with family saturday night for my mom's birthday but my brothers want to eat here which mean my meals won't be effected and i can slowly sneak down to my basement and work out so i don't miss the day! =)
yes, i'm psychotic with exercising now...it's just for the 1st time in my entire life i'm looking in the mirror and saying "it's not THAT bad" and i am seeing more and more improvements and the more results i see the more i keep wanting to work out to get more results..it is rather addicting but goes to show you consistency really is key with getting the body you desire..if i keep at it like i am, sooner rather then later i will have the body i desire (okay i'm stuck at 5'5" and will never have stacy keibler's 48 inch legs forever but muscle tone wise lol)
thank you for reading
Sunday, April 20, 2008
so i'm proud to say this weekend was the exact opposite of last weekend!! not only did i eat mostly clean and healthy, i didn't even have a cheat meal or a big cheat dessert that i said i would allow myself once a week...why didn't i have it? BECAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT!! ..
friday night i told myself- it's friday i can have dessert of my choice with no guilt but then i thought and said hmm i'm not hungry, i'm not craving chocolate, i don't want to ruin my progress so i'll pass, maybe tomorrow....
saturday comes, didn't desire a cheat meal again and after dinner when i said hmm i can have any dessert today again, i wasn't craving artificial sugar or sweet crap really...i did have 3 squares of green and black organic 70% dark chocolate but it didn't ruin my calories for the day, and it was more then enough for me to be happy- i used to have this as a daily requirement after dinner and now this was what i picked as my treat...big step in the right direction for me...
last sunday was the day of the evil binge and truthfully i haven't let it go off my mind all week...just remembering how crappy i felt...this sunday (now) i'm back to normal did all my exercising and eating clean...
i ate exceptionally well the whole week and on top of that i worked out every single day...i know you are supposed to have a day of rest but i'm just in that bikini determined zone..i was going to rest thursday after work and was tired but instead of doing nothing i did the elliptical for 50 minutes but let my abs rest since i worked them almost every day
i was going to rest saturday after work but had 45 minutes before dinner and did 6 minute abs and great abs guaranteed (7 MINUTES) figuring that was all i'd do and then after dinner i wound up doing cardio core express because iwas doing nothing else and thought what harm is 30 minutes of me getting the stomach i want? might as well burn that dark chocolate i enjoyed LoL
so normally monday is a rest day for me with school but as stated below, i don't think i will be resting even tomorrow..
i started the slim in 6 burn it up phase this week- it's addicting but oh man i never knew i was capable of sweating so much! debbie siebers doesn't lie when she said "they call it burn it up for a reason"...i feel like i see results already- i know i'm starting to see abs a little bit between clean eating and doing insane amount of ab work almost daily..but it is making me happy
so i'm really nervous about next weekend...it is my mom's 60th birthday...
on friday my parents, my grandma and myself will be in atlantic city the whole day...this means a day of not working out (unless i can wake up at 5:30am and do it before we leave around 7:30, but realistically i don't know if i'm capable of getting up THAT early) and also a day of eating out and tempting food- everytime i say i will eat healthy and make the right choices when i'm out, something goes wrong (aka my willpower ultimately fails) most of the time...the meals won't be an issue- i can get a plain salad ith no crap in it or order something grilled with no sauce and be okay it's dessert i have trouble passing up, especially when my grandma always looks to share something with me and i feel bad telling her no...i'm praying to the healthy eating gods early that i don't screw up...i'm hoping my mind being in the determined mode i don't give in...
we usually get home from AC really late- like midnight or 1am and then on saturday i have work all day and then my brothers, parents and i are going to this spanish restaurant for dinner...the dinner itself doesn't worry me- it's a seafood place where i don't touch the bill so ordering a salad (no dressing of course) and a lobster (i don't like the dipping butter- luckily) is a no brainer but dessert will be trickier again- it seems being with my family is the time i screw up and make the worst choices sweet wise and nutritional wise...i won't lie in that i'm terrified my old tastebuds might win =(
2 days in a row of this is especially nervewrecking for me- maybe if i get through AC perfectly and really want the dessert saturday i'll have very little- after all i CAN have one dessert a week if i want it...
..on top of the nervous eating day again with work and going to eat where is the time for my work out?? again i can wake up early like 6:30 or 6 and do it before work but the problem is i know i won't be home from AC until really late and in order to function like a human, my body NEEDS 8 hours sleep (thanks fibromyalgia)...
realistically i'm thinking if i work out every day from now until the weekend i will be entitled to have a day of rest- i will lift my weights tues and thurs instead of weds and fri like i've been doing so i don't miss a strength training session...it sucks bc after work thurs i'm always tired but you gotta do what you gotta do when you want results....but now i have to figure out what to do not to miss 2 days of cardio, especially in a row...because my ab routines are short segments i think saturday after dinner i can sneak downstairs and get them done- or even wake up early enough just to do my abs before work if i can't get up early enough to do all my cardio
the only other option for cardio i see if tacking on extra minutes every day during the week if i am not beyond physically exhausted already LoL
thanks for reading and have a great week everyone!
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