Monday, April 25, 2011
I've been feeling good today because, for the first time in what seems like forever, I'm under 190 pounds (admittedly, only .2 under, but under is under). So today I followed up on that good feeling and allowed myself a new t-shirt, size XLat Costco. (Size XL t-shirts were covered in a previous blog.)
It was just a TAD deflating when the girl managing the baskets told me she wouldn't wear my size unless she was pregnant! When I said oh really, she followed with how she got up to 165 pounds, and how horrible it was. She still didn't get the hint when I responded with a very dry "how disgusting," and kept going on about it. She ended with the information about how hard she had worked to get back to the shape she was in now, indicating her waist line and hips.
I finished my stay at the checkout counter telling myself she was likely a meth addict, else why was she talking so much, and look at her complexion! But I knew even then I was just fighting my buzzkill.
I could be mad, but really, it was just so thoughtless, I could see the humor in it on the drive home. Still, I'm happy to see that new weight, and to fit into the new pants I've been holding on to for six months now.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I'vI like to online shop, and have learned to check out the sizing information before deciding what size to buy. Still, ordering xl on some websites has brought me shirts that wouldn't fit my 100-lb neice, requiring returns and lost shipping fees. It can be a guessing game.
This morning I'm checking out Nordstrom's web site, and come across this explanation of sizes:
Junior sizing: XS=0, S=1-3, M=5-7, L=9-11, XL=13.
Women's sizing: S=00-0, M=2-4, L=6-8, XL=10-12
A woman's size large is actually a size 6 - 8? I remember being a size 6-8, and I was considered skinny, weighing in at between 117-123 on a 5'7" frame. Are they telling us anyone larger than skinny needs an extra large, or to shop the plus-size departments?
I've noticed this trend for quite some time now, and it always makes me wonder: If half of Americans are overweight, who's making clothes for us? Do designers just not want to see their styles on anyone larger than a 6 - 8? And how is this for juniors, in my opinion more overweight than my generation at that age, to be told at size 13 that they're extra large?
I am now sometimes able to clothes in the regular women's departments, sometimes not, and I do look forward to knowing when I find clothes I like they will be made in my size. But being on this side of it, I have to wonder: What is going on? Where are most "obese" Americans shopping? And what messages are young women getting about their bodies?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I've been trying to decide how to handle a family situation, and how much of the drama is my creation. Maybe the answer is none, and all. First off, the drama is what other people are saying and doing, so it isn't me. On the other hand, what hurts me is where I come in, my fears and insecurities.
One of my family members is prone to manipulation, and likes to do so by telling separate family members lies, and asking them to not tell anyone she "confided" in them. I've watched this from a distance for a while now, after being initially caught up in feeling sorry for her, and how poorly others were treating her. After catching her in multiple lies, some seemingly meaningless, and learning she was twisting my words of support, I've distanced myself, still holding her "confidences" to myself.
Now she's in a pickle, and it seems nobody trusts her much, so she's widening her circle, going to extended family members who don't know what's going on. I've been conflicted about how much to tell, and caught her planning family functions and "accidentally" excluding me.
For a few weeks I've been depressed, and low energy, but not connecting this to what's going on. But this morning, I decided to just let it go. It doesn't concern me, because I'm not doing it. I don't need to do anything, and the further away I am, the better. Almost immediately, I'm experiencing a surprising amount of energy, and think it has to be related. And every time I start to think about this family stuff, I just say to myself "keep your distance, this isn't about you," and it's working! I need a motto, like "Stand Back" or something I can post on the wall, put in my wallet.
I used to be totally confused about how to handle situations, and I think part of that was thinking I NEEDED to do something. I'm learning that the right answer will come to me if I give it time. As much as I wish the answer would be apparent immediately, I am happy to find the truths will present themselves at all, and that the process seems to work a little more quickly than in the past.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Just a quick blog while I'm waiting for my ride out to the family's Sunday dinner. I've been laughing at myself, because for months now I've been thinking, and saying, If I've lost so much weight, how come it isn't more obvious.
Well, a few days ago I had an epiphany - it was because I never looked at myself when I was that big! I don't have a full length mirror in the house, relying on the shoulder/head shots for basic grooming. I just hope the top and bottoms go together and with the shoes. My only real full-body shots were those quickly avoided reflections on glass doors. So how could I know if I looked any different?
I laugh because this is one of those oh-so-obvious things that I can't see because I'm busy not looking at them (sensing a pattern here?). Some of life's truest things are the most simple, and when we see them we wonder why we didn't know them already. But my busy-ness at not looking at myself had become so ingrained, and also something I never really admitted, that it wasn't sitting there on the surface.
I've now decided to assume that a 47-pound loss shows on me, and to consider getting a full-length mirror instead of having people come over and tell me if outfits "work." Love this journey...
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
I'm anxious to get my walking boot off and begin walking for exercise again. Maybe I could walk for exercise now, I don't know if it will affect the healing, so I'm being moderate and holding off until next week. The doctor said to bring my other shoe, pretty funny really, to that appointment, which I take to mean I will be walking out of the office without the boot.
They gave me some physical therapy instructions two weeks ago, saying I would start after my next appointment. But typical to me, I figure why give it to me now if I shouldn't do it? So I've been doing some of the exercises.
One of the main reasons I want to blog is to tell the truth about my journey. I'm somewhat of an isolater, a fairly recent occurence (5 years out of 57 is recent, right?). Once I started dealing with the childhood issues that were holding me back, I was diagnosed with ptsd, and the exploration required to treat that condition was utterly debilitating. I retreated into myself, and just tried to survive the emotions and turmoil I had denied all my life, not really understood.
Having fibromyalgia, I wrote my disassociating and out-of-body feelings off to extreme fatigue. I had had some of the symptoms for so long I just thought they were normal, but couldn't understand why others seemed to function better that I did, be calmer that I was, handle situations more calmly.
I came to see treating the adrenaline rush from triggering events as a key to managing or even curing my fibromyalgia, and focused on that therapy in a first-things-first approach. I have found that was the right path for me, as I am now able to approach improving my health much more successfully. In the last year I have lost over 45 pounds, an achievement that at one time seemed impossible. I also walked a 5k, another thing that seemed out of my reach.
Now, I want to break out of my isolation and create the life I want. Regaining my health and losing my feelings about being overweight is a big part of that. So I'm on the road, but it's slow, and I feel impatient with myself at times.
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