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DIANAPHOENIX's Recent Blog Entries

It's All Relative, I Guess

Monday, April 25, 2011

I've been feeling good today because, for the first time in what seems like forever, I'm under 190 pounds (admittedly, only .2 under, but under is under). So today I followed up on that good feeling and allowed myself a new t-shirt, size XLat Costco. (Size XL t-shirts were covered in a previous blog.)

It was just a TAD deflating when the girl managing the baskets told me she wouldn't wear my size unless she was pregnant! When I said oh really, she followed with how she got up to 165 pounds, and how horrible it was. She still didn't get the hint when I responded with a very dry "how disgusting," and kept going on about it. She ended with the information about how hard she had worked to get back to the shape she was in now, indicating her waist line and hips.

I finished my stay at the checkout counter telling myself she was likely a meth addict, else why was she talking so much, and look at her complexion! But I knew even then I was just fighting my buzzkill.

I could be mad, but really, it was just so thoughtless, I could see the humor in it on the drive home. Still, I'm happy to see that new weight, and to fit into the new pants I've been holding on to for six months now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GETDONE 4/25/2011 10:53PM

    emoticon emoticon I am so happy for you!! continue the good fight!!

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Really, Size 10 is an Extra Large?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'vI like to online shop, and have learned to check out the sizing information before deciding what size to buy. Still, ordering xl on some websites has brought me shirts that wouldn't fit my 100-lb neice, requiring returns and lost shipping fees. It can be a guessing game.

This morning I'm checking out Nordstrom's web site, and come across this explanation of sizes:

Junior sizing: XS=0, S=1-3, M=5-7, L=9-11, XL=13.
Women's sizing: S=00-0, M=2-4, L=6-8, XL=10-12 emoticon emoticon

A woman's size large is actually a size 6 - 8? I remember being a size 6-8, and I was considered skinny, weighing in at between 117-123 on a 5'7" frame. Are they telling us anyone larger than skinny needs an extra large, or to shop the plus-size departments?

I've noticed this trend for quite some time now, and it always makes me wonder: If half of Americans are overweight, who's making clothes for us? Do designers just not want to see their styles on anyone larger than a 6 - 8? And how is this for juniors, in my opinion more overweight than my generation at that age, to be told at size 13 that they're extra large?

I am now sometimes able to clothes in the regular women's departments, sometimes not, and I do look forward to knowing when I find clothes I like they will be made in my size. But being on this side of it, I have to wonder: What is going on? Where are most "obese" Americans shopping? And what messages are young women getting about their bodies?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISS_VIV 4/25/2011 12:47AM

    More truth than fiction.
The more expensive the store...... the smaller the size you will wear.

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SHASTA11 4/20/2011 11:40PM

    Upscale stores like Nordstroms size their clothes differently to give the impression you are wearing a smaller size. I think they've always done this. Yes, you have to be careful and check an on-line site's size charts.

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JULIENMM 4/20/2011 1:18PM

    If you figure out where everyone is shopping, let me know. I think most people are "obese" and yet there are only a few racks of clothes for us at Walmart, Target, Sears, etc.

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KLSIMPSON70 4/20/2011 12:43PM

    Wow :( That's the worst sizing I've ever seen. Since when is a 10-12 and XL??? Reminds me of when I went shopping for a dress in a Betsey Johnson store -- there was nothing over a size 10. Seriously?! I think you're right about designers not wanting to see their styles on anyone "too big".

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It's Not About Me

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've been trying to decide how to handle a family situation, and how much of the drama is my creation. Maybe the answer is none, and all. First off, the drama is what other people are saying and doing, so it isn't me. On the other hand, what hurts me is where I come in, my fears and insecurities.

One of my family members is prone to manipulation, and likes to do so by telling separate family members lies, and asking them to not tell anyone she "confided" in them. I've watched this from a distance for a while now, after being initially caught up in feeling sorry for her, and how poorly others were treating her. After catching her in multiple lies, some seemingly meaningless, and learning she was twisting my words of support, I've distanced myself, still holding her "confidences" to myself.

Now she's in a pickle, and it seems nobody trusts her much, so she's widening her circle, going to extended family members who don't know what's going on. I've been conflicted about how much to tell, and caught her planning family functions and "accidentally" excluding me.

For a few weeks I've been depressed, and low energy, but not connecting this to what's going on. But this morning, I decided to just let it go. It doesn't concern me, because I'm not doing it. I don't need to do anything, and the further away I am, the better. Almost immediately, I'm experiencing a surprising amount of energy, and think it has to be related. And every time I start to think about this family stuff, I just say to myself "keep your distance, this isn't about you," and it's working! I need a motto, like "Stand Back" or something I can post on the wall, put in my wallet.

I used to be totally confused about how to handle situations, and I think part of that was thinking I NEEDED to do something. I'm learning that the right answer will come to me if I give it time. As much as I wish the answer would be apparent immediately, I am happy to find the truths will present themselves at all, and that the process seems to work a little more quickly than in the past.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GUINEAHEN6 6/19/2011 2:03AM

    Loved your blog! you are so right it isn't about you! Let others problems be their own and yours, yours!

You do get more energy when you let these things go! Forgiveness brings on even more.
For those like us with PTSD everyday can be a chllenge. We never know when a trigger might set us off, or a flashback, or worse yet a body memory!

Just remember we survived it, fear has no hold on us unless we give it permission.
That's my MOTTO! and IT wasn't my fault. I'm 20 yrs in therapy and learning new joys everyday! emoticon

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SNUZSUZ 4/16/2011 8:19AM

    Very insightful! I think you have made the right decision and come to the correct conclusion!

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MUSTANG_SALLY2 4/13/2011 11:26AM

    I swear you must be a long lost cousin. This stuff is happening in my family too. I had to learn to love my family and let them go. It was a very difficult lesson to learn. I was so busy trying to "fix" it all that I was making myself nuts.

How excited I was to read that you figured it out (much quicker than i) that it isn't about us. I wish I could have learned to let it go much faster. I'm so proud of you and am excited to hear that by taking care of yourself, your body is rewarding you with more energy.

Here's a emoticon for you!

Great job!

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MISS_VIV 4/13/2011 11:26AM

    How wonderfully revealing - and satisfying that you can recognize that it is not about you and you don't have to fix it.

Great idea. STAND BACK.

I like that. I know what you mean. I am just 'leveling off' from a similar type situation.

Thanks Diana
Love your blog. emoticon

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Simple truths

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Just a quick blog while I'm waiting for my ride out to the family's Sunday dinner. I've been laughing at myself, because for months now I've been thinking, and saying, If I've lost so much weight, how come it isn't more obvious.

Well, a few days ago I had an epiphany - it was because I never looked at myself when I was that big! I don't have a full length mirror in the house, relying on the shoulder/head shots for basic grooming. I just hope the top and bottoms go together and with the shoes. My only real full-body shots were those quickly avoided reflections on glass doors. So how could I know if I looked any different?

I laugh because this is one of those oh-so-obvious things that I can't see because I'm busy not looking at them (sensing a pattern here?). Some of life's truest things are the most simple, and when we see them we wonder why we didn't know them already. But my busy-ness at not looking at myself had become so ingrained, and also something I never really admitted, that it wasn't sitting there on the surface.

I've now decided to assume that a 47-pound loss shows on me, and to consider getting a full-length mirror instead of having people come over and tell me if outfits "work." Love this journey...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNUZSUZ 4/11/2011 7:42AM

    Sounds like you've made a great discovery!

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DALAI_LALA 4/10/2011 5:58PM


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MISS_VIV 4/10/2011 5:26PM

    What a concept. It could mean a whole new perspective.

Happy Sunday.

Viv emoticon

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AZMOMXTWO 4/10/2011 4:55PM


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Getting going again

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I'm anxious to get my walking boot off and begin walking for exercise again. Maybe I could walk for exercise now, I don't know if it will affect the healing, so I'm being moderate and holding off until next week. The doctor said to bring my other shoe, pretty funny really, to that appointment, which I take to mean I will be walking out of the office without the boot.

They gave me some physical therapy instructions two weeks ago, saying I would start after my next appointment. But typical to me, I figure why give it to me now if I shouldn't do it? So I've been doing some of the exercises.

One of the main reasons I want to blog is to tell the truth about my journey. I'm somewhat of an isolater, a fairly recent occurence (5 years out of 57 is recent, right?). Once I started dealing with the childhood issues that were holding me back, I was diagnosed with ptsd, and the exploration required to treat that condition was utterly debilitating. I retreated into myself, and just tried to survive the emotions and turmoil I had denied all my life, not really understood.

Having fibromyalgia, I wrote my disassociating and out-of-body feelings off to extreme fatigue. I had had some of the symptoms for so long I just thought they were normal, but couldn't understand why others seemed to function better that I did, be calmer that I was, handle situations more calmly.

I came to see treating the adrenaline rush from triggering events as a key to managing or even curing my fibromyalgia, and focused on that therapy in a first-things-first approach. I have found that was the right path for me, as I am now able to approach improving my health much more successfully. In the last year I have lost over 45 pounds, an achievement that at one time seemed impossible. I also walked a 5k, another thing that seemed out of my reach.

Now, I want to break out of my isolation and create the life I want. Regaining my health and losing my feelings about being overweight is a big part of that. So I'm on the road, but it's slow, and I feel impatient with myself at times.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    It is hard to break out of the isolation mode, but it can be done. It takes time and patience. I am not out of it yet, but am farther along than when I first got home in 2007. I still have anxiety attacks and events that trigger paranoia, fear, rage, and depression, but it is getting better.

I am here for you!!!

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SNUZSUZ 4/8/2011 8:33AM

    Glad to have you here! Keep on blogging, it is really helpful for me I know, and I love all the encouragement and support I get here at SP!

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MISS_VIV 4/7/2011 10:39AM

    Congratulations on your break thru and your break out.

It is so good to have you here . . especially since it is Spring again.

Looking forward to reading of your experiences and to seeing you again one of these days. emoticon

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