Thursday, February 06, 2014
Most of us were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO
APPRECIATE A JOB
WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE
"If you fall out of that swing
and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about
"You'll sit there until all that spinach
11. My mother taught me about
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO
BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25.My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
Sunday, February 02, 2014
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be insitut8ionalized. "Well," said the director, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "no," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Monday, January 27, 2014
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Klu Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A police officer in a small town stopped a motoring who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer! " the man began "I can explain."
"Just be quiet, snapped the officer.
I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
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