DEVOTEEOFISET   8,536
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It seems so hard..

Monday, December 07, 2009

So I am going to have to review my eating. I am sure I can step it up a bit, exercise more and be more organized. But it get so tiring...

I ended up gaining a pound. I am not sure if something is catching up with me or if my strength training is messing with the scale.

That happened to me before the more weights I did the more the scale didn't budge.

Last time, I was 150 lbs for 5 months of rigorous gym and weight training and it wouldn't budge.

For the first time in my life, I am under no illusions about life. I am not dreaming for a man to come. I am not dreaming about love. I don't feel a daily support system and I feel like I am just reaching only to get slapped back into place about life.

I noticed the more I take care of myself and try to change, the more crap comes up to bury me. I spent two days in bed and I couldn't even get out. I couldn't rationalize and force myself. The first day it was merely a thought about relaxation for all the hard work during the week but then it because sickening and I felt the energy turn in on itself and start to stagnate me and I couldn't reach up to feel anything anymore.

I just wanted to slip down further. I tried to argue with myself but I just couldn't force or convince myself to move.

Without anything outside of myself to see me through, it is going to be tough to fight myself to win this fight.

Maybe it is just the wall I have to breakthrough.
Maybe it is life compounding and I just want to escape the problems.
Maybe this is just the test my personality needs to break the cycle.

I am really scared deep down that I am going to be 50 with no life, no man, no children, no direction, no creativity...

I just don't know. My losing one pound a week was the only thing keeping me together. Now that I not only didn't lose, I gained one pound back I feel like a vile little creature that should be thrown back.

sometimes I look at my co-workers and scream at them in my head that someone is withering away in front of you and you will never know.

I just can't seem to break out of it this weekend.

Although, I don't know but last month I started this site and I was really low and then I got my period and that was around the 12th... could this really be my hormones taking my worst fears and forcing them to the front.

Maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe if I can just hold on and flip the switch, I will right this wheel that ran off track.

I am going to be 32. I have to do something. I have to push in some direction to have some result. I have to figure this out and find something, somewhere I belong and can thrive in.

Thanks if you read this far. I do feel a bit better. I feel like I might be able to get through this workday without crying. I am going to do everything I can to pull all my energy into work that needs to get done, eating well and challenging myself to flip this all around.

Even if it isn't my hormones, it is my mind allowing myself to wallow, slip and I am stronger than that. I can choose.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNORFSNORKEL 12/7/2009 1:55PM

    You're doing fine! Keep working on healthy habits.

This can be a slow journey at times, and sometimes we have to focus on each small step to building a healthier lifestyle - Your workouts may be increasing muscle mass, which is heavier, but more compact - and more muscle burns calories when you are resting - my scale hasn't moved much lately, but my britches are a lot looser, sliding off my hips without a belt - so I'm making progress - I'm doing well to be on track with my food, and am working at stepping up my cardio - in easy small steps, so I don't burn out.

You aren't in this alone - we're all in it together - including the stresses of the season.

Hang in there! emoticon

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XENAMY 12/7/2009 12:47PM

  OMG... I so get this. My scale said I gained a pound also. Although, my eating's been just a bit off (nothing too crazy) and I didn't get to go to the gym last week.

I believe very much in working with weights, and even if the scale doesn't give you the figures you want, you have to keep it up. Remember the one scary word: Skin! Well, working out with weights will avoid that... just keep at it.

As for me, I'm back on track this week. The last thing we need to do is lose steam. Keep your head up. The future will work itself out, and is based on the small victories that we can claim from day to day. emoticon

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Whoo!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

So... today was interesting. I started out trying to eat meals and skip the junk food in the house. Try to make sure I could make all the other nutrients that I keep failing on. So by noon I didn't eat that much but I could tell my stomach was shrinking as i couldn't eat, I couldn't finish it.

I did eat slighly over my max allowance but what is interesting is I feel the fullest I think I have ever felt in a long long long time. I feel so sick.

I still have a lot of work and a long road ahead of me but I am learning a lot.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POPSGRYL63X 12/5/2009 7:03PM

    Good for you! This is a journey NOT a destination! Keep up the good (hard) work!!!



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DMGODDESS 12/5/2009 7:01PM

    Good for you!!

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urgh!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I need to find a way to put my head back on straight.

I need to be able to fix my work life, my eating, my exercising, my education, my personal life. Everything has to change as they all go hand in hand.

The stress is overwhelming and I don't know how to hang on.

The novelty of sparkpeople.com and eating right is slipping.
The christmas party is next week and the last thing I want to do is be around size 1 arm candy hanging on rich men's arms and cute guys I work with..

i don't want anyone to see my fat butt. I just want to skip it. but I can't - I am the assistant and the organizer and pluh@!

My friends want me to hang out with them and I just want to do my stuff so I can try and make this all work.

This week has been rough. I don't know how it gets so crazy.
Our VP was fired. Now we are in the midst of changing everything - passwords, keys, doors, locks.

And it is only going to end stressful.

I need to figure out how to stay on track so I don't derail.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEVOTEEOFISET 12/3/2009 10:00AM

    Thank you everyone for the support! You are the best and I am very thankful! emoticon

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QUIDDITCHGRRL 12/3/2009 9:37AM

    NOTTYDOTTY pretty much said it all! LOL

Take it one step at a time (preferably away from the table) and fall back to what you KNOW works for you, forget about trying to do new and improved. You're already good enough. :)

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SNORFSNORKEL 12/2/2009 9:45PM

    For goodness' sake, don't stress about the stinkin Christmas party! - only a suggestion from a fashion clueless guy, but some years ago, I was dating a lady I had been friends with for a long time - she was short and "round", and one of the most interesting women I have ever known, and a force to be dealt with in the real estate business. In a situation like this, (and I escorted her to many social functions) she would wear flowing clothes that suited her well, and be constantly on the move, smoozing all the "big shots" with confidence, clearly one of the most powerful people at the affair. And she was gracious to the "arm candy" & trophy wives, with a confidence that didn't have to be envious, after all, she was capable of making it on her brains & talent, not her looks.

And this in a resort community full of the VERY rich and VERY famous!

Illegitimati non carborundum!

(don't let the b@$!@^d$ wear you down!)

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NOTTYDOTTY 12/2/2009 9:30PM

    First of all you need to take a chill pill....You are an organizer so get organized yourself.... put things in the proper prioritization....Second of all, people see you at work already so if you have a fat butt, they already know it and they aren't going to a party to stare at yours. They are more worried about hiding their own or showing it...Third of all if the cute guys are worth anything at all, they will like you for you, not for the size of your butt, unless they are just after a piece of it...and if that is the case they will only use it and abuse it and leave it... So leave the butt problem behind you...Pun intended...
Now plan your party and enjoy yourself...You are a big shot to them and all the girls are probably jealous of you already anyway...
Holidays are only for a short time and then it is back to the same old boring grind of work...so make this time a fun time and laugh and just enjoy...ok? Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.... Dotty emoticon

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A Wish.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Wouldn't it be great if we could switch up to fat and thin?

You could be fat for a week and then have a thin day where you can wear all the clothes, be cute, feel awesome and then go back to fat. And that continues until you are thin forever!

Just having rotund erica blues.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROXYFAB 12/1/2009 9:30PM

    no clue why it posted twice - sorry! emoticon

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ROXYFAB 12/1/2009 9:29PM

    There are so many times that I wish I could just wiggle my nose. Stupid hard work and discipline building character!!!!!!

If I had a day of thin I wouldn't want to go back to fat ever. It's kind of sad bc that is what I did. I worked hard and lost 103 pounds... and then a little while later I stopped paying attention and gained 70 pounds back. I think maybe I needed to get fat again to realize how truly great the gift of being confident in my own skin is...

All that being said - I wish I could throw a penny in a well and wish real hard and be that knock-out again. But I am somewhat grateful to learn the lessons being brought during this 2nd weight loss journey.

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ROXYFAB 12/1/2009 9:29PM

    There are so many times that I wish I could just wiggle my nose. Stupid hard work and discipline building character!!!!!!

If I had a day of thin I wouldn't want to go back to fat ever. It's kind of sad bc that is what I did. I worked hard and lost 103 pounds... and then a little while later I stopped paying attention and gained 70 pounds back. I think maybe I needed to get fat again to realize how truly great the gift of being confident in my own skin is...

All that being said - I wish I could throw a penny in a well and wish real hard and be that knock-out again. But I am somewhat grateful to learn the lessons being brought during this 2nd weight loss journey.

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650 lb Virgin on TLC Tonight 10PM Est

Sunday, November 29, 2009

This looks interesting and might be inspirational too. This guy lost 650 lbs.

EDIT: He probably lost 500 lbs! lol he doesn't weight 0 now!!! hahaha

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARACAV9 11/29/2009 11:11PM

    sounds interesting....

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