Monday, December 07, 2009
So I am going to have to review my eating. I am sure I can step it up a bit, exercise more and be more organized. But it get so tiring...
I ended up gaining a pound. I am not sure if something is catching up with me or if my strength training is messing with the scale.
That happened to me before the more weights I did the more the scale didn't budge.
Last time, I was 150 lbs for 5 months of rigorous gym and weight training and it wouldn't budge.
For the first time in my life, I am under no illusions about life. I am not dreaming for a man to come. I am not dreaming about love. I don't feel a daily support system and I feel like I am just reaching only to get slapped back into place about life.
I noticed the more I take care of myself and try to change, the more crap comes up to bury me. I spent two days in bed and I couldn't even get out. I couldn't rationalize and force myself. The first day it was merely a thought about relaxation for all the hard work during the week but then it because sickening and I felt the energy turn in on itself and start to stagnate me and I couldn't reach up to feel anything anymore.
I just wanted to slip down further. I tried to argue with myself but I just couldn't force or convince myself to move.
Without anything outside of myself to see me through, it is going to be tough to fight myself to win this fight.
Maybe it is just the wall I have to breakthrough.
Maybe it is life compounding and I just want to escape the problems.
Maybe this is just the test my personality needs to break the cycle.
I am really scared deep down that I am going to be 50 with no life, no man, no children, no direction, no creativity...
I just don't know. My losing one pound a week was the only thing keeping me together. Now that I not only didn't lose, I gained one pound back I feel like a vile little creature that should be thrown back.
sometimes I look at my co-workers and scream at them in my head that someone is withering away in front of you and you will never know.
I just can't seem to break out of it this weekend.
Although, I don't know but last month I started this site and I was really low and then I got my period and that was around the 12th... could this really be my hormones taking my worst fears and forcing them to the front.
Maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe if I can just hold on and flip the switch, I will right this wheel that ran off track.
I am going to be 32. I have to do something. I have to push in some direction to have some result. I have to figure this out and find something, somewhere I belong and can thrive in.
Thanks if you read this far. I do feel a bit better. I feel like I might be able to get through this workday without crying. I am going to do everything I can to pull all my energy into work that needs to get done, eating well and challenging myself to flip this all around.
Even if it isn't my hormones, it is my mind allowing myself to wallow, slip and I am stronger than that. I can choose.