Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A few months ago, I was walking in a store and I caught myself in the mirror. I always had this image of myself as I will never let myself get *THAT* fat. In my denial, I could allow myself to ignore and live in my own fantasy as long as I wasn't as fat as this horrible image.
Then I passed this mirror and I am *THAT* FAT. I mean I am fatter than *THAT* fat.
Since then I have been actively trying to deconstruct my perceptions.
Luckily I was able to meet a wonderful woman who offered to be my health coach through this and I know I am ready because over the past few months I have been trying to make small changes, eating less X, drinking less soda, eating less sugar/chocolate.
Educating myself about fast food. I want to feed my body -- food. Not just stuff this temple I have been given with emptiness, lack, and processed stuff forcing my temple to attack and change to save itself -- from me, from the junk I feed it.
Today is my second health coach visit and the first time I have to own up to the missed opportunities and less than optimal choices. I want to use this time in my life, this new found love and respect of my temple with the guidance and support of friends, my health coach and make this work this time.
I ended up at a yoga meditation and the guy wanted me to help out and do asanas, be the "model". I felt honored. But had I been my healthiest, instead of a sub-par substitute, I could have been a rocking energy model person for this class.
I want to honor the gifts I have been given. I want to be a clean temple.
I want to follow my intuition and the intution of the soul, god, goddess, spirit.
I attached the picture of me in the middle of the yoga meditation, in red.
For the first time there is no doubt, fear or struggle.
It will happen.
I am love.
I am support.
I am happy :D ness.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A. Age: 32
B. Bed size: Twin
C. Chore you dislike: Dishes
D. Dogs: No. I would love one.
E. Essential start to your day: I don't know. Breakfast. Smoothie.
F. Favorite color: Changes. Blue/Red
G. Gold or silver: Buy gold, Wear silver
H. Height: 5' 1"
I. Instruments you play(ed): piano
J. Job title: Administrative Assistant
K. Kids: None. someday?
L. Live: Southeastern PA
M. Mom's name: Cindy
N. Nicknames: Tina, Myrtle, E
O. Overnight hospital stays: tonsils
P. Pet peeves: Inconsideration, Lateness
Q. Quote from a movie: " Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility! " Tyler Durden Fight Club
R. Righty or lefty: Righty
S. Siblings: Two Step-Sisters - Never lived with them
T. Time you wake up: 5-7:45am Depends.
U. Underwear: Yes
V. Vegetables you don't like: Brussel Sprouts
W. What makes you run late: not leaving the bed
X. X-rays you've had: chest, stomach, head, foot
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken, Chicken Noodle Soup, Tacos, ...
Z. Zoo animal favorites: Praire Dogs, Elephants
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I have tried many attempts at life change. Maybe I should say I have thought about many attempts at life change, trying occasionally in intervals of short endurance after a burst of inspiration.
What works? Going to the gym and exericse works, daily accountability and tracking works, eating right works.
Why do I falter?
Stress: Write it down, break it down, categorize everything I need to do and know. I GOT THIS.
No Support: All I can do is fake it. Support myself and do everything I can to build, develop and utilize what is available to make the dead of the night in the scream of my soul, less.
Overwhelmed by desires/commitments/life/work: Write it down, break it down, categorize everything and make the hard choices in choosing relaxation, commitments, or creativity.
No Time: With writing everything down and acting in my free time, I should be able to make use of each moment so that I can do more. I know if I organize myself, I will never live a 1000 lives but I can do more than if I lay depressed staring into the idiot box.
1. Each day I am going to track my food on sparkpeople. I am also going to note the weight watcher points I ate.
2. Each day I am going to take supplements and vitamins
3. Each day I am going to take DE.
4. Each day I am going to increase and work on my water intake.
5. Each day I am going to eat salads and a spinach smoothie.
6. Each day I am going to focus on breathing and yoga - nothing crazy just small amounts of body awareness and becoming aware.
7. Each day I am going to spin bike a few mins a day.
8. Each day I am going to dance/run/play a few mins a day.
9. Each day I am going to focus on visualizations, mental and spiritual awareness. I will visualize the sky. Soaring into the purple sky, feeling the breeze surround me - holding me, caressing me. I am flying.
10. Each day I am going to write a story or part of one/ story construction.
11. Each day I am going to honor my muse. When my muse speaks, I will record, reflect and use it.
12. Each day I will email Amy and my mother my accountability email.
13. Each day I will read at least one thing that inspires me to stay on track.
14. Each week, I will attend a weight watchers meeting.
15. Each week, I will post a status blog of the week's progress.
16. Each week, I will go to the gym at least once to work on muscle growth for my wings.
I am not a flightless bird.
My inability to fly is my acceptance of a long-made and stubborn choice backed up by daily acceptance. My inability to fly is a dis-ease of my body.
Nothing can stop my soul and I am ready to fly among the whispers of truth, color, and music.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Professionals state that change is made when (a. you reach a critical crisis point or b. the pain of changing becomes less than the pain of not changing.)
Someone said to me that there are two types of people. Imagine you are in a baseball game, the first type fears the ball coming to them. The second type is like I want it. Give me the ball.
I was born a spunky talkative joyous little girl who wanted the ball. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted to shine. But over the years of childhood, I started to fear the ball. Early on, I would sit in the crowd silently wishing to be chosen and praying for dear life that the chance pass me. And it has been reinforced for 30 years.
Years of thinking, reconciling, and forgiving... the fact remains the same.
I stand in two worlds wishing for two different things never giving up or into either.
I won't make the changes to be open to the man of my dreams.
But I refuse to date anyone other than that person.
I won't make the changes to have a better job suited to my personality possibly even my own creative efforts.
But I won't stop hating my daily job feeling like I am being murdered each morning as I stuff the pain deeper as the sunny skies pass.
It is all my fault. I can see patterns and how I didn't interpret or have the knowledge to interpret properly. I can see how the things that were done were heinous and seemingly unforgivable. But I did.
But... somewhere I hold on to something or everything so tightly that I can not accept, achieve or build a solid foundation of growth and footsteps.
I stand here with my sagging wings with no muscle tone and my fat tummy and my twig legs buckling under the mere weight of my mass.
I will fly.
I will create proper steps and foundations.
I will weap, alone if I must.
I will cultivate what I have into something.
I will prove that I belong in the skies with the other birds.
I will do all those things that bog me down with fear.
I will live like my bird mentors trusting that life will provide, I just need to fly.
It is what it is.
I have done what I have done.
This too... will pass...
I will fly.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
You know sometimes it is so much more fun to have a friend that you can smack talk too. Someone who can take it and who can dish just as well. Someone who knows you so well that they can give you the zingers that are funny and harsh but true. Someone who doesn't sneakily wish your demise while they smile to your face but instead grunts and says all this smack but secretly wants your success.
It is really fun and really scary to because you have to make sure you are just as good or better so you don't fall pray to the smack!
Love you AMES! YOU ARE GOING DOWN!
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