Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I have been trying to spend my time pushing myself past comfort zones. While doing this, I have been trying to focus on reflection instead of blind action. Instead of eating two whoppers, sit back and really reflect if the whopper will be my best choice in this moment.
I have noticed that I tend to put so much pressure on myself. I write up a to do list with 42 things on it and get stressed and start mentally punishing myself and then puffing up like a windbag trying to let out steam before I collapse. It isn't a healthy way to exist.
I need to find a way to be productive, go with the flow and be happy.
I do not get bonus points if I make a big stink over what I should have done but didn't.
Nothing I say or feel is going to change the situation, help it or complete any of the tasks for me.
It also isn't going to make life any easier. Instead it wastes my time and upsets the people around me.
Last night I ended up staying up until 1AM to finish a report. So I didn't finish laundry and now my clothes are wet and need to be rewashed. I didn't drop check off at night deposit at the bank. I didn't get gas before the big storm. Instead of getting myself so worked up and having a bad day at work. I don't have to say oh no big deal but I can let it all go. Do what I can and what I need to as soon as possible. Don't lose my cool. Stay aware, Stay focused. Let go.
I end up getting more done and being more useful to myself and creating a lot less stress, so a lot less stress hormones, so a lot less fat.
I need to stay focused on awareness and reflection. That is the biggest key and through that I am learning to change my life, real change.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
"You must learn not to be afraid of the world, to not take any notice of it." - Howard Roark
I find that when I am busy running around I lose a sense of creativity. Almost like a wall has built up around my insides and I have so much stagnation to weed through to find any semblence of a connection to the words I feel inside.
I feel like the past few months things are brewing and changing.
I want to culitivate myself and be proud of my producing and creation.
I want to be the direct representation of all of my greatest ideas and all the people I admire.
"Nothing can be done in life without an idea"
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Last week, I decided to get back in the swing of things. But since May I feel like I have some kind of crazy monkey in my life just flinging all kinds of challenges and poop my way.
A few times I prayed to an angel and then things got worse. And I keep thinking wow, every time you try to improve, everything in the universe positions itself to make sure you don't succeed.
And I know this is counterproductive so I have been trying to think of yes changing my life will be challenging because of breaking bad habits and life isn't out to get me.
Monday, I did an ugly cry all the way to work.
Tuesday, I again called out to the angels to help me. Tuesday at 3pm, I found out my nana was in the hospital.
My nana and I have this amazingly close relationship and everyone knows this. I spent most of my childhood with her, taking care of things for her, and her taking care of me. My aunt took my nana to a lawyer and paid for everything and said, I will be your executor.
Funny thing this aunt has terrorized, manipulated, picked on etc family members for years.
She is the least diplomatic, nice, forgiving etc. She is the most vindictive, stubborn, alienating etc person.
We go to the hospital - It is serious. Her only option is Triple Bypass and her survival chances aren't the best. My nana tells me to take her clothes, purse etc to her house and pick up some pads etc for her. She also told me to stay at her place, eat some cho chos and sleep with her bear. Now, giving our history, i was like sure. After leaving the hospital late, we went to nana's house to sleep, grab the items and go back to the hospital.
My aunt came in at 7am and had the management guys come in and attempt to kick us out.
She stated we were squatters and ....
It was literally a Jerry Springer segment in my nana's house. My aunt yelled and lied and acted as if we were the worst scum and not even family. The management guy was like Maam, she has the keys. I can't even go into it.
I just can't believe she is executor and I am scared how she will try to keep playing that card to keep us away from my nana.
I work over 40 hours a week, i have multiple obligations and here I am driving back and forth over 1.5 hours one way to handle this issue. My aunt who is retired and hardly visited nana in the hospital.
I am not sure when surgery is. Probably Friday or Monday and I am exhausted, emotionally drained and am just barely hanging on my the fingernails.
I really could use a boyfriend right now, or a hug or ....
I will not let this derail me. It might bang my butt up but I shall not be derailed.
But please life STOP IT, I got enough for now. lol
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"Nothing has really sunk in" ... "This flesh and bone"
"Just the way we are tied in..."
"But there is no one home...."
I sit here 32 years old. Once a beautiful spitefire, destroyed by parental children who didn't know better.
For me hitting bottom is looking up one day not quite at anything in particular and
for one moment sensing everything I ever ran from. Not even a tear was shed but a light was cast upon the tears to come. The memories.
It is that pain that I still run from.
It is that pain that I give the power to run my life.
It is that pain that chooses my decisions.
It is that pain that keeps me moving from failure to failure feeding it to where
I feel nothing anymore but its own feeding pattern of destruction.
"I grieve for you"
It is time to grieve.
I think as a small child trying to be so strong to the parent children stuck in their own unhealthy patterns, I never grieved for me. For the deaths I experienced literal, metaphorical, etc..
I am an emotional being and I have kept all those bathroom stall lunches, parental fights with lamps flying, sickness, death, loss to fire, theft....
All the times I was thrown the ground and I had to fight to save myself. I really still carry it all.
I thought I released it. I thought I grew stronger and healed these wounds.
But I am still running, hiding from the pain.
I can't be fully independent until I am able to face this pain.
I realize that..................
I AM NOT LAZY
I AM NOT DUMB
I AM NOT STUPID
I AM NOT UGLY
I AM NOT A SLUT
I AM NOT A MUTANT
I AM NOT JUST THE BEST FRIEND
I AM NOT DEFICIENT IN ANY WAY
I am not FAT BECAUSE of any of the above.
I am not FAT BECAUSE of high fructose corn syrup, chocolate, indian food, sushi, McDonalds, WaWa, Ice Tea, Soda, etc....
I am not FAT BECAUSE of genes
I AM NOT meant to be FAT.
FAT IS NOT WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM.
Fat is a state of being and state of health and I am leaving that state behind.
*Erica prys up the floorboard and dusts off a pair of BIG GIRL PANTS*
It is time to face the truth.
For the next X amount of time, I am going to relearn how to live a REAL life.
In this pursuit, pain, frustration, excuses will ensue.
Change doesn't have to be hard but if you are facing a 32 year learned lifestyle, you will face big opposition and it will be tough.
Life isn't about this. It can be about something so much more but I have to reharmonize my life with the real posssibilities.
My New Plan:
Follow the small blissful hopeful voice that calls to me from underneath a good song, that flows through me with a good breeze, that caresses me like warm sun or water. The sparks of life. If I have to shred my life apart in search of a life in favor of sparks. SO BE IT. I have nothing left but shards and shreds.
Do everything the voice says. Do not do anything that supports or encourages the fear, the pain, the sameness.
I don't know what I will be at the end of this journey. But I WILL NOT BE IN THIS PLACE AGAIN.
What I expect in this next section of journey:
I expect to feel alone and I want to hide in hours of book reading.
I expect to feel alone and I will want to hide in hours of tv watching.
I expect to feel distraught that this is to hard, I am too busy, no one has it this hard, no one is doing it alone.
And from now on, my answer is SO WHAT? In my sanity, I highly doubt my cross to bear is the hardest set of tribulations in existence.
And I also know that when I die, if I don't step up to this journey and take it by the balls and remake it in my own image, I will have failed my purpose on earth.
"Inspiration from Peter Gabriel's song I Grieve"
Get An Email Alert Each Time DEVOTEEOFISET Posts