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Today - My Weigh In Day

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I weigh 187 and lost 2 inches. To reward myself for a good week and a great new week - keeping stress low, myself a number one priority and eating/water ----

I am going to watch Zak Bagans! LOL!
Yum!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MNCYCLIST 11/22/2009 9:38PM

    Congrats, glad to hear the good news!

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Week One Review --

Sunday, November 22, 2009

So Amy and I started last Sunday as our official start date. Last weekend, I was still stuck in a clogged slowing energy. I couldn't motivate myself to make the structural changes and organizational tasks to really give last week a good go at it.

I think about Wednesday, I started to have more energy. Getting up was easier, pulling myself out of the bed was still hard as well as thinking and keeping my energy up during the day.

I am such an extremist. I will do everything perfectly good or completely bad. I want to do everything right and maxmize my losing weight ability. I want my life organized and clean.
Structured and good. But.. This time I am trying to just do well.

--- Areas to Improve:
-- My food needs to be slightly better with more choices, more variety
-- Drink more water
-- Exercise more... Especially yoga
-- Write more
-- Keep organizing and keep the momentum I am gaining.
-- Start getting back into the swing of studies and stuff

But what I did notice was how I felt this weekend vs. last weekend. That alone is a great improvement to be able to go into this week.

I saw it again though, when you are trying to improve yourself and people around you dislike and even get snooty with you. And I am trying to see each comment for exactly what it is.

This time I will not listen to anyone other than myself and good natured people who i know love me. Remember Erica - What would they gain if I believed what they are saying? What is their motivation?

I really want this battle to be the last FAT battle I have. I want to get to a healthy weight and maintain it.

Every once in a while I can taste her. How it feels to be me. To actually feel confident to say and be instead of biting my tongue. Of being the cute, pretty one not just the really funny awesome one.

I need to do a motivation wall and practice so that I can taste the real me, the thin me - all the time.


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHONICBLUE 11/22/2009 9:41PM

  I am the same way to the letter! I am reminding myself that it's ok not to be perfect about everything and just keep going no matter what! That's a big step for me!

"I am such an extremist. I will do everything perfectly good or completely bad. I want to do everything right and maxmize my losing weight ability. I want my life organized and clean.
Structured and good. But.. This time I am trying to just do well. "

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Restaurant Success!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Today was my first restaurant experience since tracking my food and actively working on making an improvement.

I choose water. I only had soup and I ate a few of my friends fries.

And yesterday, my family went to Arby's and my mom and I shared a Beef and Cheddar. And it was soo good I wanted to eat everything. I felt the urge to pig out but I waited it out and it passed.

Not perfect but I am definitely making progress and I am forcing myself to be aware and to think out my choices.

  
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JHRDANCER1 11/21/2009 6:05PM

    Congrats! That's a HUGE step in the right direction. I love eating out but I too am finding myself make better choices and eating smaller portions. We're on the right track. Thanks for the blog.

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The Fog is clearing???!!!...

Friday, November 20, 2009

It is funny how once a month I go a bit off my rocker. I can't seem to handle things well everything feels so palpitable and in my face. I want to yell at everything and everyone. Sugar, Soda and Chocolate usually tame this beast.

But then one day, I wake up and realize the dreaded curse has arrived and all of a sudden it is like I am awake again and I can see some clarity and I feel like I am in control again. I am the one in control.

It is so funny that each month, I completely fall for this mood change even though afterwards I know what it is, why it is and that it will be okay.

I do feel good today. I missed the gym, but I still got up early and straightened up. And I will go to the gym afterwork.

I am trying to chase the sun.

Although it does help that 3 of the 4 bosses are not in today!
LOL! GO FRIDAY GO GO GO Friday!
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Blahppy! Addiction Discovery

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I have been thinking about addictions for awhile. I know I have a food addiction and comfort addiction of sorts. I am awesome when I don't have chocolate or sugar/soda. But that moment it touches my lips, a switch flips in my brain and I just feel ravenous to consume whatever is left and maybe thinking about where and how to procure more.

It has taken me years to figure out how to eat one portion, how to rationalize and get myself into this and rethink it. And still while I starting eating healthy since I am doing such an extreme of not having any candy/soda/junk food - IF i have one morsel, I go crazy. It is so hard to rein in the beast. It is like a superpower bursting through all my efforts and I all I want to do is destroy and consume the yummies.

But the problem with an addictive personality is that it is not just one addiction.

If you try to fix one addiction, others pop up and it becomes this unlayering process of battles and self realization that is stifling.

Some Examples:

I started this new way of living and being with food. I try to severly limit the amount of junk and fast food. Since I am in a confrontation with food and I am constantly talking to myself - Eat more, eat less, don't eat that, drink more water, and planning and making sure I stay on track.

Now I want to hide in men - relationships the other thing that makes me feel good without having it actually be Erica self worth based. I am having dreams about my ex. I had to yell at myself not to IM him. I haven't spoken to him in so long. I can't be the person who seeks the other out and here I am breaking. I went onto dating sites and checked guys out and I had to talk myself down from joining.

Anytime when food hasn't been a major issue, I run to a guy to fix it. I go online, go out on a lot of dates, try to find someone, someone who will make me feel better. But it always ends because I am not where I need to be.

And my other issue is writing. I haven't spent one moment writing. I have vented and planned food but I don't feel connected, I feel like I am just getting through my days.

I need to get back into writing every day. That will be my last addiction. The addiction to procrastionation and the fear of success. My addiction to pleasing everyone else and not me.

Then I will have thrown caution to the wind and started tackling all my major addiction/life issues at once. Why if one thing drops, they all do.

I am kinda scared. The lonliness and struggle hurts so much now as it blinds me from seeing all the positive and I am straining to keep it in mind that the lonliness and struggle I feel --- IF CONQUERED, will turn into joy and happiness and strength of character.

I am thinking of Mr. Darcy in the fencing room thinking of Elizabeth talking to himself --- I will conquer this. I will.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XENAMY 11/19/2009 1:49PM

  You are at a fork in the road. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. 40 will come, and nothing will change. It is important to come to grips with weaknesses and temptations... you are human. If it takes you simply getting through the days for now, do what you must, but look at it as in investment into your future - an investment into the Fabulous Erica that you are.

No pain, no gain... that simple. Push through it all, you'll get there and you'll be able to address all the animals when you do. For now, just get through today.

Love....always.

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MAREBEAR53 11/19/2009 11:13AM

    Wow! emoticon

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