Thursday, November 19, 2009
I have been thinking about addictions for awhile. I know I have a food addiction and comfort addiction of sorts. I am awesome when I don't have chocolate or sugar/soda. But that moment it touches my lips, a switch flips in my brain and I just feel ravenous to consume whatever is left and maybe thinking about where and how to procure more.
It has taken me years to figure out how to eat one portion, how to rationalize and get myself into this and rethink it. And still while I starting eating healthy since I am doing such an extreme of not having any candy/soda/junk food - IF i have one morsel, I go crazy. It is so hard to rein in the beast. It is like a superpower bursting through all my efforts and I all I want to do is destroy and consume the yummies.
But the problem with an addictive personality is that it is not just one addiction.
If you try to fix one addiction, others pop up and it becomes this unlayering process of battles and self realization that is stifling.
I started this new way of living and being with food. I try to severly limit the amount of junk and fast food. Since I am in a confrontation with food and I am constantly talking to myself - Eat more, eat less, don't eat that, drink more water, and planning and making sure I stay on track.
Now I want to hide in men - relationships the other thing that makes me feel good without having it actually be Erica self worth based. I am having dreams about my ex. I had to yell at myself not to IM him. I haven't spoken to him in so long. I can't be the person who seeks the other out and here I am breaking. I went onto dating sites and checked guys out and I had to talk myself down from joining.
Anytime when food hasn't been a major issue, I run to a guy to fix it. I go online, go out on a lot of dates, try to find someone, someone who will make me feel better. But it always ends because I am not where I need to be.
And my other issue is writing. I haven't spent one moment writing. I have vented and planned food but I don't feel connected, I feel like I am just getting through my days.
I need to get back into writing every day. That will be my last addiction. The addiction to procrastionation and the fear of success. My addiction to pleasing everyone else and not me.
Then I will have thrown caution to the wind and started tackling all my major addiction/life issues at once. Why if one thing drops, they all do.
I am kinda scared. The lonliness and struggle hurts so much now as it blinds me from seeing all the positive and I am straining to keep it in mind that the lonliness and struggle I feel --- IF CONQUERED, will turn into joy and happiness and strength of character.
I am thinking of Mr. Darcy in the fencing room thinking of Elizabeth talking to himself --- I will conquer this. I will.