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It is the pain we make truth that still burns so deep within.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"Nothing has really sunk in" ... "This flesh and bone"

"Just the way we are tied in..."

"But there is no one home...."

"i grieve..."

I sit here 32 years old. Once a beautiful spitefire, destroyed by parental children who didn't know better.

For me hitting bottom is looking up one day not quite at anything in particular and
for one moment sensing everything I ever ran from. Not even a tear was shed but a light was cast upon the tears to come. The memories.

It is that pain that I still run from.
It is that pain that I give the power to run my life.
It is that pain that chooses my decisions.
It is that pain that keeps me moving from failure to failure feeding it to where
I feel nothing anymore but its own feeding pattern of destruction.

"I grieve for you"

It is time to grieve.
I think as a small child trying to be so strong to the parent children stuck in their own unhealthy patterns, I never grieved for me. For the deaths I experienced literal, metaphorical, etc..
I am an emotional being and I have kept all those bathroom stall lunches, parental fights with lamps flying, sickness, death, loss to fire, theft....
All the times I was thrown the ground and I had to fight to save myself. I really still carry it all.
I thought I released it. I thought I grew stronger and healed these wounds.

But I am still running, hiding from the pain.

I can't be fully independent until I am able to face this pain.

I realize that..................

I AM NOT LAZY
I AM NOT DUMB
I AM NOT STUPID
I AM NOT UGLY
I AM NOT A SLUT
I AM NOT A MUTANT
I AM NOT JUST THE BEST FRIEND
I AM NOT DEFICIENT IN ANY WAY

I am not FAT BECAUSE of any of the above.
I am not FAT BECAUSE of high fructose corn syrup, chocolate, indian food, sushi, McDonalds, WaWa, Ice Tea, Soda, etc....
I am not FAT BECAUSE of genes
I AM NOT meant to be FAT.

FAT IS NOT WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM.
Fat is a state of being and state of health and I am leaving that state behind.

*Erica prys up the floorboard and dusts off a pair of BIG GIRL PANTS*

It is time to face the truth.

For the next X amount of time, I am going to relearn how to live a REAL life.
In this pursuit, pain, frustration, excuses will ensue.
Change doesn't have to be hard but if you are facing a 32 year learned lifestyle, you will face big opposition and it will be tough.

Life isn't about this. It can be about something so much more but I have to reharmonize my life with the real posssibilities.

My New Plan:
Follow the small blissful hopeful voice that calls to me from underneath a good song, that flows through me with a good breeze, that caresses me like warm sun or water. The sparks of life. If I have to shred my life apart in search of a life in favor of sparks. SO BE IT. I have nothing left but shards and shreds.

Do everything the voice says. Do not do anything that supports or encourages the fear, the pain, the sameness.

I don't know what I will be at the end of this journey. But I WILL NOT BE IN THIS PLACE AGAIN.

What I expect in this next section of journey:

I expect to feel alone and I want to hide in hours of book reading.
I expect to feel alone and I will want to hide in hours of tv watching.
I expect to feel distraught that this is to hard, I am too busy, no one has it this hard, no one is doing it alone.

And from now on, my answer is SO WHAT? In my sanity, I highly doubt my cross to bear is the hardest set of tribulations in existence.

And I also know that when I die, if I don't step up to this journey and take it by the balls and remake it in my own image, I will have failed my purpose on earth.

"Inspiration from Peter Gabriel's song I Grieve"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYROBIN100 10/20/2010 12:36AM

    I AM IN AWE!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTALLULLABY 10/18/2010 8:31AM

  What power and strength - you are worth everything. Take the time you know you need for you. We are here for you.

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Peeking my head out ~ Finding a way back.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I can't believe how time flies. I swear it was just July 14 - yesterday. Every day I go to work, I think I should log into sparkpeople and then I realize how much I have to catch up on and I don't.

So today.... I logged in. I will wade through my groups, comments, mail and reassess.

I have to find something that works for me, fits into my schedule.

I have come back to sparkpeople humbled, full of McDonalds and Twix, lost, alone, and with no way out of any of the mess I have made of my life.

I will no longer be this, enjoy this, or do this.

If I have to imagine a twix is a flaming pile of dung.

There is no more excuses, no more wishful thinking, no more attempts, no more longing for a man, for a life.

There is just now. One step, one move, one thoroughly thought about and executed step and
hopefully something will clear and I will find a path to something more, once again.

this.. me. is no more.

I am only accepting love, light, happiness and flow of spirit.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATELOSS2009 10/15/2010 1:05PM

    so glad to see you back!!! all any of us can do is control what we do in the one moment we're in. respond as best you can to external stimuli in this one simple moment. have a battle plan, but know that you don't have to fight tomorrow's fight today - just make a good choice in this one moment.

just this one.

(my opponent is Snickers.) ;-)

make deals with yourself if that works for you (can have a twix if you add an ADDITIONAL 250 calorie burn to the same day, etc.), call things what they are (I'd like a 1-ounce serving of 300 calories, please), or give yourself an allowance (can have 2 a week if you stay on track calorically the rest of the time) - only you know what works for you.

all we have to give is encouragement, cheers, and hugs, sweetie.

you can do this.

emoticon

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RAINBOWZLPN 10/15/2010 9:50AM

    Welcome back... been thinking about you!!!! emoticon

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CPT.SPACEMONKEY 10/14/2010 10:53AM

    You have no idea how many times I said those exact same things! It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard getting back on track. I lost 165 lbs over the last two years... and gained half of it back after my hip surgery.

Well.... I am right there with you sister! Just take one thing to work on and get that started... make a streak of it till it becomes a habit.... then move on to the next.

YOU CAN DO THIS! WE BOTH CAN!

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LIFE-OF-LEISURE 10/14/2010 10:16AM

    Welcome back!

I'm so proud of you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and getting back in the saddle again! You're not alone. Here, more than anywhere else, we know what you're going through!

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Emotions and releasing energy

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

1.

Throughout the years, I have stopped exercising and then decided to break that habit with some intense exercise.

The first time when I was 16, I was watching one of Gilad's shows and I kept having that ugly cry while I was working out. That I have no idea why I am crying and I don't "feel" any emotions but it feels as if your body is sobbing and you just can't stop.

Then it happened with Billy Blanks TaeBo.

Over the years during my on and off again affair with running, it happens.

It feels like and I believe it is my body grieving and experiencing emotions I long repressed.

And when I have this experience, I tell myself to keep going and let it all out and I will become someone healthier but I don't.

2.

I am pretty sure I am at my heaviest.
I am older.
I am noticing that I can't go from no exercise to full tilt anymore.
I need stretching, breaks, and a slow progression.

3.

I have been mostly inactive for awhile. I don't understand because when I dance, I feel free.
When I run, ideas flow. When I listen to music and box, everything feels right with the world. When I can high kick or complete a deep stretch with no pain or walk up steps making no sound, I feel happy.

The past three times I went out to exercise this week:
I can't believe how hard it is. IT IS ALSO VERY HOT!
I can't believe I felt like I forgot how to dance.
I felt self-conscious.
I had the ugly cry again.

I am going to do what I love and what my body loves.
It is amazing how distant and uninvolved with my body I have become.
It is amazing how when i go to dance I feel as if it isn't even me.
It is amazing how my body has one experience and my mind another.

I spent the night doing yoga and getting comfortable dancing out in the yard and
when you feel connected to your body, when you feel as if your spirit is an extension to your body or your body an extension of your spirit a completeness forms.

An acceptance.
A bond.
A self confidence.

That is all I want. I just want my whole life to blend into some type of interconnectedness.
My smile should be an extension of my spirit and the strength of this beautiful amazing body which is capable of so many wonderous abilities and I haven't even barely grasped at what I can do.






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYSPARKS 9/28/2010 6:00PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SKINNYROBIN100 9/28/2010 5:51PM

    I love it!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 8/13/2010 5:49AM

    Awesome blog. I feel I can understand just how you feel.

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TETENGRIA 8/13/2010 2:00AM

    You are a beautiful writer and growing right before my eyes, I can't wait too buy your books some day soon...

Katie



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Review for 8/4/10

Thursday, August 05, 2010

NUTRITION
[X] Drink One Green / Vege / Fruit Smoothie with added vitamins (Omegas, Coconut Oil, CoQ10, Amino Acids, Enyzmes, Aloe Vera
[X] Take Supplements: SamE, DHEA, Zinc, Magnesium
[ ] 2 Bottles of Water
[ ] 1 Bottle of Lemon Water
[X] No soda
[X] Eat healthy snacks

I also chose a healthy lunch of hummus.

BODY HEALTH:
[ ] 8 oz of water prior to exercise, during every 30 mins and after.
[ ] Exercise - Whoo hoo


DISCIPLINE:
[X] Tracking Food
[ ] Waking up at 6 AM
[ ] Going to bed at 10 PM
[X] To Do List Item
[ ] Doing one hobby task
[ ] Do Daily Organizational / Clean up / Filing / Putting things away
[ ] Track Spending


SPIRITUAL LIFE:
[ ] Meditation with Daily Review

MOTIVATIONAL
[ X ] Daily Spark Team Check Ins
[ X ] Accountability Blog
[ ] Music
[ ] Visualizations
[ ] Reading

CAREER
[X ] Stay at job - be productive
[ ] Write

WEEKLY TASKS FOR CHANGE:
[ X ] One Cranberry Juice a Week
[ ] Beets / Tuna Fish
[ ] Glass of Wine - Elderberry
[ ] Honey

Problem: I can't seem to follow through with my list. More tasks jump out at me throughout the day and when I get home I just want to crawl under the covers and rest before I am forced to do it again.

I have to force myself to go home: do my receipts, run, write and get my head space right.

I want to succeed. I want to be awesome.
I want that life I can taste.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITNESS134 8/11/2010 2:54AM

    Pick the most important ones on your list.

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/6/2010 5:30PM

    Holy smokes - that is one heck of a list. I think you could do a quarter of it {which you are] and still be more ambitious than a lot of folks on their BEST day.

Let me be clear. You don't have to want awesomeness - you ARE awesome right now. There are 30 things on your list. THIRTY. Let me say it again - you are awesome. For you to be any more awesome they would have to create 50-hour days.

Cut yourself some slack, gorgeous.

emoticon

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CPT.SPACEMONKEY 8/6/2010 11:15AM

    Erica! Remember... pick one small thing at a time to work on daily until it becomes habit again. When that one is under your belt... then move on to the next.

If you try to do too much all at once then you will not succeed. Set yourself up for success! Celebrate victories only!

If you make the right choices the rest will fall into line.

Remember that even small steps still get you further down the road! Don't be so hard on yourself!

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 8/6/2010 5:54AM

    That is a mighty big to do list. You are making progress on your list. That is awesome. Baby steps will get you there.

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TETENGRIA 8/6/2010 12:48AM

    Erica, Erica, Erica... You nose better *lol

I want to succeed. Coughs... " I am succeeding"
I want to be awesome. Coughs " I am awesome"
I want that life I can taste. Coughs " I approve of myself and life is unfolding effortlessly"

Erica, just keep chiseling away .....

I know you can do this cuz I can feel it in my bones.... :) LOL




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EGRAMMY 8/5/2010 11:07AM

    Oh, I think Spark allows us to not be perfect. emoticon Idea, do the best you can and then forget about it. Use the Mantra "Do the next right thing"

Like your check in system. Ok if I borrow the idea. See you seem perfect to me????? emoticon

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Review for 8/3/10

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

DAILY TASK REVIEW FOR 8/3/10

NUTRITION
[X] Drink One Green / Vege / Fruit Smoothie with added vitamins (Omegas, Coconut Oil, CoQ10, Amino Acids, Enyzmes, Aloe Vera
[X] Take Supplements: SamE, DHEA, Zinc, Magnesium
[ ] 2 Bottles of Water
[ ] 1 Bottle of Lemon Water
[X] No soda
[ ] Eat healthy snacks

BODY HEALTH:
[ ] 8 oz of water prior to exercise, during every 30 mins and after.
[X] Exercise - Whoo hoo


DISCIPLINE:
[X] Tracking Food
[ ] Waking up at 6 AM
[ ] Going to bed at 10 PM
[ ] To Do List Item
[X ] Doing one hobby task
[ ] Do Daily Organizational / Clean up / Filing / Putting things away
[ ] Track Spending


SPIRITUAL LIFE:
[ ] Meditation with Daily Review

MOTIVATIONAL
[ X] Daily Spark Team Check Ins
[ ] Accountability Blog
[ ] Music
[ ] Visualizations
[ X] Reading

CAREER
[X ] Stay at job - be productive
[ ] Write

WEEKLY TASKS FOR CHANGE:
[ ] One Cranberry Juice a Week
[ ] Beets / Tuna Fish
[ ] Glass of Wine - Elderberry
[ ] Honey


~~ In general I feel good about yesterday. My attitude was strong, I fought habits when I got home and read. I also took a walk and ran.

Structurally I am unsound and I need to start to create a strong foundation!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TETENGRIA 8/4/2010 1:54PM

    Awesome list! Way to Go!

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KATELOSS2009 8/4/2010 12:51PM

    i LOVE this list!!! way to stay focused!!!

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