Thursday, July 01, 2010
When I can give up everything for one goal, I can focus everything I am into that one thing and I end up achieving amazing results.
However, I have so many different things I need to work on and so many areas of focus that I tend to lean on outside people/situations for motivation.
A new boyfriend who is inteligent and amazing will spark me to amazing results.
A new job gives me inspiration to maybe find a new path.
A new toy or book lets me feel special.
A new movie or book lets me slip into a new place where ideas/life are better, inspired, honored, enjoyable.
A new boyfriend will not fix my problems. If I met the most gorgeous, awesome man, I would start feeling bad because I am not ready and not my goal weight but then I would feel bad cause I wanted to be with him and .... I should rejoice in this time before he gets here.
In this climate and in my current situation, I can't leave my job and have no real prospects.
Toys, books, movies are good for what they are. But in reality they are distractions!!!!
No one person, group, man, situation, friend, parent, relative, hobby, etc will complete me.
No one person can be my whole life.
No one person can be my best friend, my lover, my inspiration, my catalyst, my comic relief, my shoulder to cry on, my road trip buddy, my cheering section in every situation.
Life is a journey. The beauty of me and of everyone is we are ever changing, growing people who have the power to continually transform and push ourselves to great heights.
In this journey, I will take a path that will take me on a great wide and winding road full of all kinds of adventures. How then will one person be able to take their own journey and still be my all.
I think coming from a broken home with no siblings and a emotionally unavailable and distant mother, I have spent most of my years and days alone daydreaming about the day I won't be alone anymore.
And over the last 5 years of being utterly single and trying to push myself so I can be where I need to be to have another great love, I have felt such lonliness and parts of me feel greater to be able to feel it and use it in a positive way. I have gone on trips by myself, I travelled by myself, I do almost everything by myself.
And I find that my motivation suffers because of this.
I am learning to not only face value accept being alone. I chose this. There is something more I seek in myself and in a partner and the experience is worth a lifetime alone.
There is something to be said for giving all of yourself to a relationship.
But there is also a moment where you decide whether or not to give that extra piece of yourself. I don't know if it is about attachment to outcome.
But I need to remember it is about my goals, my future and my determination.
If I don't care, If I don't give everything I have... no one else will!
That is all there is.