Wednesday, July 07, 2010
When I am overly stressed, especially overly avoiding or dreading an event or have no funds but need to provision food or gas, etcÖ I get distraught and canít focus.
Recently every time, I try to put on a happy strong face, stuff happens to enforce the idea that I am stuck and nothing will change.
In August, I am 5 years out of a loving relationship. And it is getting harder to say oh yeah, he is right around the corner. I donít know if I can do another 5. I need to at least have a fling, a man to hold me and have some type of relationship with even if it isnít true love or lasting. But I wonít allow myself that while fat. Over the years, I have spent all my life being with someone and not loving my body.
I am stuck in a job that I feel is literally killing me.
I tend to do well at one thing and avoid everything else so I am always playing catchup.
I am 32. Well I will be 32 years old on 7/14/10 at 1:51 AM. Then I will be doing my 33rd year.
I want to move. I want to change almost everything.
Eight Week Plan (July 7th Ė Sept 8th)
Reasons to push for SEPT!:
~Rosh Hashanah Starts
~GAC IN OHIO
~My first step to freedom might happen *crosses fingers*
~60 days to prove I deserve to make it out of this confinement phase! TO PROVE I CAN!
Wake up at 5:45 am
Make Breakfast and Smoothie/Lunch for day
Be Frugal and Watch every penny
Exercise (1,500 mins by 8/1/10)
Paint ~ Be Creative
I promise not to pre-judge myself. I will not judge the value or success of this plan until 9/13/10.
I will trust in the plan and the process. I may not be able to change the world but I can make me the best me I can for me.
Miracles happen all the time and I need to allow time for seeding and growth.
I need to create a life and body that allows miracles.
I no longer care for this life and its trappings. I want my new life.
From July 15, 2010 - July 31, 2010
** Accomplish 1500 mins of exercise
** 16 days of consecutive food tracking (making 24 days in July)
** Write 1 page a day - 17 pages written at least
** Start running and exercise program establish a plan for August.
---Work on doing a 5K walking
** Log and stay disciplined and level headed
** Meditate 17 days
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Determination: the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
Fight: to contend in any manner; strive vigorously for something
As I get older, I realize that my ideals, my strivings, my .... is all a mental trapping.
I feel like I walk through a valley of shadows casting light on different ways of being or different ways of perception and sometimes I see all kinds of lies and manipulations.
Sometimes I see what life could be. Sometimes I can't stop laughing at an idea, movie or place in a book. Sometimes I can't stop letting go because the vulnerability feels so good.
If I keep failing, something is wrong. My premise, my plan of action, my thought process.
Many of my fears are coming true and I feel for the first time a deadening of being trapped in a cage. Like there is no anger or frustration because freedom is so far away.
But I am also realizing nothing is as it seems.
I read in a book about this mother who was sick for most of the girl's life. And then the girl on the anniversary of her mother's death, got sick with Leukemia.
And in the book it mentions about who and what measures suffering. Who can handle what and how and for how long? It is true, pain changes people.
Letting go of absolutes and judgements. Knowing life is consciousness and each level is a form of waking up. Nothing is real and nothing is false.
There is a story retold in many ways. About when we fell to the earth a ladder remained. Some people saw the ladder and kept jumping until they were able to go back to the source.
Some people decided to give up and walk away.
Other people kept jumping. That is me.
I will jump and jump and jump until I either get it right or a hand reaches down and takes me home.
I might have lost a will, a way, a truth, an opinion of sorts but I won't stop jumping.
I will be like Edison, I will find 10,000 ways not to live a true life or I will find it.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
I am so unbelieveably tired. My intuition tells me because I am overwhelmed mentally with stress and I am forcing my self to stay on task and continue to eat well that my body is doing a big detox. My mysterious rash is back and spreading and I can't tell you how I feel. It feels like war in my system. A strong nutrition front coming in and attacking everything.
I am tired and get tired easily. I have to lay down. Then I get a few moments of energy and then I feel so drained like I ran for hours.
I am not going to do a longwinded blog, I am too tired.
I am tired of excuses, liars and of my own self.
I can't compare myself to anyone or look up to anyone.
I have to find a way out of this mess.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
When I can give up everything for one goal, I can focus everything I am into that one thing and I end up achieving amazing results.
However, I have so many different things I need to work on and so many areas of focus that I tend to lean on outside people/situations for motivation.
A new boyfriend who is inteligent and amazing will spark me to amazing results.
A new job gives me inspiration to maybe find a new path.
A new toy or book lets me feel special.
A new movie or book lets me slip into a new place where ideas/life are better, inspired, honored, enjoyable.
A new boyfriend will not fix my problems. If I met the most gorgeous, awesome man, I would start feeling bad because I am not ready and not my goal weight but then I would feel bad cause I wanted to be with him and .... I should rejoice in this time before he gets here.
In this climate and in my current situation, I can't leave my job and have no real prospects.
Toys, books, movies are good for what they are. But in reality they are distractions!!!!
No one person, group, man, situation, friend, parent, relative, hobby, etc will complete me.
No one person can be my whole life.
No one person can be my best friend, my lover, my inspiration, my catalyst, my comic relief, my shoulder to cry on, my road trip buddy, my cheering section in every situation.
Life is a journey. The beauty of me and of everyone is we are ever changing, growing people who have the power to continually transform and push ourselves to great heights.
In this journey, I will take a path that will take me on a great wide and winding road full of all kinds of adventures. How then will one person be able to take their own journey and still be my all.
I think coming from a broken home with no siblings and a emotionally unavailable and distant mother, I have spent most of my years and days alone daydreaming about the day I won't be alone anymore.
And over the last 5 years of being utterly single and trying to push myself so I can be where I need to be to have another great love, I have felt such lonliness and parts of me feel greater to be able to feel it and use it in a positive way. I have gone on trips by myself, I travelled by myself, I do almost everything by myself.
And I find that my motivation suffers because of this.
I am learning to not only face value accept being alone. I chose this. There is something more I seek in myself and in a partner and the experience is worth a lifetime alone.
There is something to be said for giving all of yourself to a relationship.
But there is also a moment where you decide whether or not to give that extra piece of yourself. I don't know if it is about attachment to outcome.
But I need to remember it is about my goals, my future and my determination.
If I don't care, If I don't give everything I have... no one else will!
That is all there is.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Today's Rough Smoothie list:
1 cup Aloe Vera Juice
1.5 cups of Spinach
3 chunks of brocolli
1 tsp of spirulina powder
Fiber 35 chocolate creme powder packet
2 tbsp flax seeds
2 tbsp coconut oil
This made roughly 28 oz. I drank 16 oz today and added about 4oz of water to loosen and some ice.
I found a smoothie lovers group!!! I can't wait to add my recipes and find/make more!!!
A smoothie a day keeps the doctor away!
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