Tuesday, June 01, 2010
I am really trying to embrace and become success from a cellular level. Kick all the negativo crap to the door.
I took the profile on his site. It is called the Innermetrix - a modern interpretation on Dr. William Marston's behavioral dimensions.
What I learned about myself:
~~ We have a natural style which we adopt under stress or when we are being authentic.
~~ We have an adaptive style that we use when we feel we are being observed. If we stay in this style too long, we will become more stessed and less effective.
This right here completely is why I get so stressed over work. Not even all the crap I go through, but I am living in this adaptive style for 40 plus hours a week and then I revert to the negative side of my natural style to copy for the few hours in between.
First component - Decisive (How you tend to approach problems and make decisions)
My Natural Style: Driven, Daring, Determined
My Adaptive Style: Conservative, Agreeable, Unobtrusive
I often whether at work or in a big crowd, I allow my voice to fall to the way side and I take in all the opinions and actions around me. I give up a lot of my natural strong self. At work, I have the attitude you pay me for 40 hours of Erica primo time, you don't pay for talk back, drama, or attitude, you don't pay me for opinions either, unless when solicited, But what I love about my job is when people trust me and I start changing things and doing things better and implementing better ways - --- lol when I start exerting my natural driven self.
2nd Component - Interactive
My Natural Style: Persuasive, Gregarious, Inspiring, Enthusiastic
My Adaptive Style: Pretty much the same. I dropped almost 30 points though which definitely shows how I mute myself. I know it is one thing to know a time and place for things -- but this recurring them of self silencing and repression is something I need to work on to really LOVE me.
Third Component - Stabilizing
LOL My styles are exactly the same and LOW! LOL
This says I love variety and change. I work well in a wide selection of projects and tasks. I appreciate freedom and I respect established ways but am open to changing them. Also high sense of urgency!!! :) so me.
Fourth Component - Cautious
These two are 7 points apart. I scored moderately high on this one.
I believe in high standards of quality control
Great critical thinker & problem solver
I use a lot of detail when explaining processes to people --- OMG DO I?? lol I SO DO!!
LOL! It said when I disagree, I express resistence in a passive agressive manner. I do. I know I do. I should probably look into that.
Ideas for being more effective based on scores:
**Clear job descriptions / role responsibilities
**Wider scope of work
**Learn to say no
**Reduce ambiguities in what you do
Ideas for staying more motivated:
**Procedures that can be flexible and support quality iniative
**Supportive work environment
**Quality control standars adhered to by all members
**An environment offering mobility
**Explanations of systems and processes that impact work environment
Areas to Improve:
** Too Trusting
** Overly Defensive
** Get bogged down in details
** Bite off more than you can chew
** Proactive confrontation
** More practical and realistic
** Be more flexible
This is only a sectin of the print-out. It even has a section for a boss or co-worker to effectively communicate with you, very interesting.....
Pretty cool!!! I am going to use this information to design my dream job environment as well as action items to work on improving the here and now
-----Values Index Results Next
Monday, May 31, 2010
Erica: Hi Ryan
I sheepishly look at him as I know I haven't logged in and every time he would attempt to speak to me, I would think to him, ah huh I got it, I will log later.
Trainer Ryan Blythe Salvatore: Well, Lady what you have been up to?
Erica: Are you mad?
Trainer Ryan Blythe Salvatore: I am disappointed. I know that you weren't so busy that you couldn't just log on and say something. This isn't about being perfect or witty, or even sharing. This is about your dedication to your life. I don't know why you have me here if you don't want to change your life. I once thought of you as a catalyst. Something that sparked changed in my life, but it is disappointing to see you doing the opposite of what you preach. What do you think integrity is? Do you want to be a Howard Roark or a James Taggart? Do you want to marry someone like me or be alone? I will stop caring at some point. I want to see you succeed but I can't give more than you do.
What do you want? --- This is what is frustrating to me.
Let's talk about what happened for the last three days.
Erica: Ok. Well on Friday, I struggled but as per your instructions, I did eat freely and I did log on a piece of paper. I struggled a bit because friends plan for months to go see a movie and then they all disappeared and I noticed how other friends are gone and how I didn't pursue the friendship because I didn't want to go outside fat. Because they are gorgeous. So once again I let friendships go because of my fatness.
Then out of the blue friends invited me over and I really felt good. Like this is something I need to do, go with the flow. I had a great drive over there, I hung out with a handful of girlfriends into the night.
Pro: Good Work Day Ish
Con: No Exercise, Ate Bad, No Track in Sparkpeople Didn't follow the plan we agreed on.
Trainer Ryan Blythe Salvatore: So what are you going to do about ---
***allowing friendships to fall away
This is a core issue for you. I know one of your goal deadlines was to be 150 lbs by June 3 to go see the Ghost Adventures crew in the local prison for a ghost hunt. You didn't want to look like a fat cow when you met the dreamy Zak Bagans. AND YOU FAILED AGAIN!
We had a few short discussions regarding this and there is no reason to beat yourself up about this. Let's move forward but you have to realize the reality of the situation. I want you to feel the pain and direct it to food. I want you take this and use it to finally propel yourself out of this situation you have yourself in.
Erica: You are right. But I do believe that since I joined Sparkpeople I have made progress. My mentality, my back on track lifestyle, questioning, trying to stay aware, trying to break comfort zones, trying to ----- stopping the TRY, doing and if it doesn't work, change and redo.
Case in point: Saturday I got up left my friends and drove to my tennis lesson. I felt really good after my tennis lesson because I had an epiphany. The two people didn't show so it was just my boss and I and the instructor. I was calm and I was trying to just focus on the lessons taught before. I did REALLY WELL.
What I learned..... In Tennis, you have to focus on your form and watch the ball. You will actually sometimes move back and away from the ball to position your arm in the right place. You don't flail forward rushing to the ball. You are in ready position then you move accordingly calmly and purposefully. The instructor focuses on a calm mentality and form.
I just was like WHOA!!!! This is my thing. I am always rushing all over the place, worried, scared, about everything. Everything is about being calm and calmly purposefully accessing the situation and acting.
And I started to instanteously see how this works in martial arts, marksmenship, in responding to situations, to all sports, all performances and my performance anxiety dropped away and it was about form and purpose and capable strokes of life.
If you can be a peace, be aware and position yourself as life is coming at you to be able to quickly change positions as needed and return. Communication is also big.
I felt so good. And.... That morning I almost didn't go because after EATING TOO MUCH GREASE and being on no sleep - I had bad diahhrea 4x before I left the house.
But I pulled it off. I then took a scenic way home, got some food and enjoyed my day off.
Con: I didn't exercise after Tennis. I didn't do much.
Have you ever had that experience where you felt cocky because you weren't as fat as X.
And then one day you realize you are as fat as X. I used to look at my friend in her state and I would judge and I realized although I am not as big as her, I am taking on that shape. I saw a few pictures and I wanted to cry. Then on Saturday night I was laying on my side and something was sticking me in the stomach - here it was my own stomach roll!!!
Trying not to freak out....
Erica: On Sunday, I woke up and went out to get my hair dye. I also decided to take a drive. I haven't had a scenic drive this season. It was very nice. And I started to listen to Anthony Robbins - Awaken the Giant audiobook. Do you ever have a moment where you are making a positive change and your stomach starts to churn and you get really impatient... Well, Deep down I know I should continue but I usually stop doing the really positive thing and go do something else, patting myself on the back for the awesome job.
Well, I had that feeling and I wanted to turn it off and listen to music. Instead, I let it play. And I started to have all kinds of internal connections and aha moments as I drove. I even listened to some Wayne Dyer and then went back for a second listen.
And to my surprise, I ended up at the farmer's market. I stopped in and got all kinds of berries.
Once I got home:
I cleaned, worked on languages, tried to work on writing,
Erica: You know what I just realized... Food has always been my reward.
After writing for an hour, I would reward myself with a soda, a tea or a snack or both. To see friends, we go to eat. On Fridays, I would watch movies and eat. To reward myself for hard work, I would eat. To reward good eating, I eat. They probably are the cheapest monetary wise rewards. You can get a chocolate bar for $1.00 where as a book is 7-20 dollars, and other things are up.
What can be a reward that I can really attribute pleasure to?
Food can not be a reward, an escape, or a focus. I learned from Anthony Robbins that if you are in a peak experience what you focus on makes a connection in your brain. So if I am having a really pleasureable experience - lets say relaxing at home after work, watching a romantic comedy my senses are heightened and then I am eating and food is now associated with those feelings.
I have to watch when I eat.. I don't want to eat depressed either.
I learned a lot from Anthony Robbins and I realized I DO HAVE TO LISTEN TO THESE audiobooks over and over and over.
I need to have positivity, motivation, purpose, passion, wisdom attacking me from all sides so much that I poop good vibes.
Erica: So Today, I woke up, dyed my hair, prepped my hair. I got an invite to see Sex in the City, I am going to glam up! It doesn't matter what state my body is in. I am on a mission. I am going to be the fittest ever. I am going to say... wow I am healthier than I was at 21 & 30. I AM FEELING GREAT! I am going to put on makeup heels and rock this.
I cleaned even more and put piles away. My friend talked about fencing and a festival. I researched all the stuff and sent it to her. I WANT TO DO FENCING.
I feel changed, stronger, armed for a fight I am going to win.
There is no other option. I am removing any other option.
I have made decisions, I will act, review, change approach if needed and act.
I feel better about going to work on Tuesday than I usually do.
I am coming up against familiar battles and I am not playing and if I do start I quickly bow out.
I am becoming stronger - facing the ego and accepting and focusing on what I can change.
I faced a friend who when I told them about my activities had the audacity to say that If I loved myself I would stop doing all these things and relax. I attempted to change her mind instead of being silent (pro) and accepted that she didn't understand and that is okay (pro) it was momentarily sad but I am not her and I love me and doing it (pro)
Didn't exercise Friday or Sunday
Didn't track food
Ate too much - got sick (pro - for the fact that the past few days eating has become sickening... I think if I really crave something I might eat so much that I get too sick and then the craving goes away -- idea in making??? )
Didn't follow plan
Trainer Ryan Blythe Salvatore: Erica, it sounds like you broke through some comfort zones this weekend. You aren't laying in bed all weekend. You are going out each day and trying to make something happen. I am happy that you are listening to some great wisdom and are focusing on the right positive things.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." - George Elliot
Today I want you to focus on:
Enjoying the movie with a bottle of water.
I want to see you do the Samurai Sword Exercise DVD today and maybe some P90X legs?
I want to see you working on what you learned with Anthony Robbins and add to our daily action plan.
I want to see you ready and willing to start the action plan today and tomorrow.
I want to see you meditate tonight and plan out the day.
Fit in some laundry and plan out thurs - sat events.
Remember Tomorrow is Phase Two of our plan together. This Phase is going to last, Tuesday June 1 - Saturday June 6
I also want you to work on your June goals and plans and rewards...
Erica: Will Do!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: How was your day?
Erica: At work, I am fighting rage, exhaustion, strong desire to do well and please, and being overwhelmed and under supported at work. I got to work early but left my keys somewhere, I lost them after yesterday's car fiasco. So I just sat in the car and cried.
It is one thing to say let go and take it easy, one task at a time and it is another to do it when you have 5 depts/people all wanting something post-haste.
I sit there and when my chest seizes, and my coworker is laughing at her last post on facebook, I feel so hopeless and full of rage how do I change my life and take control of all of this. I keep trying to rephrase my thinking and I try to think, Erica work hard and get out of there, but the work load just gets heavier.
What am I to do?
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: Erica, I see you struggling so hard. I see you busting your butt. I know that your heart and drive is a great attribute to have. However, there are lessons here that you can recognize and overcome. What if it isn't about your coworker? What if it is about how you are living your days? How do you handle stress? This job gives you so many ways to prove even greater things to yourself. If you get the coworker fired and you push, won't you feel guilty if you ever leave? What do you want? Take each aspect of the job and break it down, what can you learn? what can you change? Is there anything you can do to take the stress off of you? Stay aware and when an issue arises, be proactive.
Erica: I never really broke it down in writing. Like I do with my life goals, I should break down my work goals and tasks and I know sometimes I get overwhelmed and I will fluff off at work. What if I make work progress a goal in my life? I know this job is a dead end and all that but if I am focusing on growth in my life I should focus on growth at work.
I do know if I can lose weight and give 110 % in all areas of my life, it will suck and drain me but the end result will be so awesome I can't even ... or I should keep focusing on how awesome it will be.....
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: Erica, I love you. I want you rise to the occasion. Everything in your life right now is a stepping stone to the next phase. Be Ready.
Get Ready. Fortify. Strengthen.
I am proud that you are not coming home and going to sleep. I am proud that you are looking at your daily action list and trying to fit every last task in. You have to reconcile within yourself that you are working at this job and to move on and past this space you have to submerge yourself in it. Learn the lessons, remove the obstacles and SHINE PAST.
Tell me about your day.
Breakfast at home
Meditate, Read Plan, Review Mndset Moment
Take Pride in Appearance
Listen to motivation
And did some Latin too...
Massage trouble lymph nodes areas
I started with great intentions. But then the intensity of work I started to breakdown and I ate extra snacks and had more calories than I should have. I didn't go crazy but I am sure I hit 2K. I also got scared and didn't track.
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: Erica, I am proud of your progress. You are taking awareness into account and are paying attention to the difference between what you want to do, what your body wants you to do and seductive habits. You are learning to make the right choices. You are awesome. This is the beginning. Tomorrow, take your action plan. Make appropriate choices and keep your focus.
Track your food - don't worry tomorrow about eating right, just track it, work hard, focus on being aware and trying to come up with a new way to look at your work. A new way to be. A new way to take on a better habit and take on the promise to take your life to a new level.
Do the Samurai Exercise and yoga
Tell me how you do. Life is about passion. Living a life of purpose. I live in this life.
I want you to join me there. Be with me there.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: I know you love to give up and you get overwhelmed by the sheer tasks you want to accomplish. We are going to set small phases - short bursts of great progress, followed by review and then short bursts of progress.
Phase One: May 26th to June 1st.
Yesterday we made a daily action grid. Each day I want you to accomplish the agreed upon activities to enhance your life, cultivate love and happiness, lose weight and get fit.
What is your number one task for each day?
Erica: Study my daily action plan grid.
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: Yes. This grid is your life plan. This is the first thing you must look at when weak, when questioning yourself, when losing sight, when bored, when reaching for the pillow or spoon. I want you to carry this grid around with you everyday and use it to guide you.
How did you do today with your grid?
Breakfast at Home
Meditate, Read Plan, Review Mindset Moment
Take Pride in Appearance (Hair, Moisturizer, Makeup)
P90X - Shoulders, Arms
Catchup on emails
Catchup with a few Spark Teams
Listen to motivation
Massage trouble lymph node areas
Review Day with Trainer (duh)
Water - I drank oz. I think this is good. Up from 0 oz.
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: I am pleased with your progress today. I still see that writing is still taking a backseat to the rest of your day. Please try to at least touch upon every task each day. It will teach you to work with your time and learn better management and what you can really accomplish.
Tell me about your experience with P90X,
Erica: I was actually scared. I wasn't sure I could do it. I know the Yoga kicked my butt and I couldn't finish. I followed our plan and did the exercise DVD listed for today - Shoulders and Arms.
I know I won't pass the fit test but I am doing the best I can just trying each DVD like we planned. If I get tired or can't do something, I will do something else modified. If I really can't do a DVD, I will take it out of rotation and work on mastery of others until I am more fit.
Right now I am working on doing something everyday and incorporating variety and the idea of move it. Just move it. You have a free moment, do some squats - feel the energy coursing through your body. I almost had an ugly cry I could feel all the stagnant energy and repressed emotions bubbling up.
But I did it! I for the whole what hour - I followed along. I might not have had the best technique or had a large weight or did as many reps but almost. I did really well. I was proud of myself.
When I got to the Side Tri Rise, I was like oh yeah right. But I did 11 of where my body barely lifted off the ground but I at least tried.
The second set, I did 11 more and I got even more lift. I am going to practice them.
I didn't really list my reps, mostly 8 - 16. My whole goal was just to survive this first dvd.
I really love the book that comes with it and I am going to make up sheets so that when I do them each day I just have to jot in a number at the part and I am not wasting all this time writing down. I need to breathe and drink and wheeze! lol..
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: I am proud of you. I know you had a moment of maybe I should just Blah Blah Blah, but you didn't. You made my first day easy.
For Thursday, I want to see some food tracking, some higher water intake, writing and What?
Erica: P90X - Yoga.
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: I can't hear you!!!!
Erica: P90X - YOGA
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: And no excuses because it is mother daughter night!
I want to see you stick with this.
Before we wrap is there anything you want to share?
Erica: Today I was starting my GRE Vocab - Word a day thing again and I wanted AGAIN to start at A and go in order. I have this thing where I can't go A, H, J, Z, Z, W, B my craziness kicks in. But I decided screw it!!!!! I know I always get board because today is A, tomorrow is A, and yes it will get confusing and chaotic and etc.
BUT SO FLIPPING WHAT??!!!
--- Total Win over Comfort Zone / Same Erica
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: Okay, Now the Scary Part -
I want to see some of these stats --- Come on cough them up!!!!
Weight: 190 Goal: 125 ish
Neck: 13.75 Goal: 13
Arm 16 Goal 12 ish
Above Breast 38.5 Goal 32
Above Waist 38.5 Goal 30
Waist 38.5 Goal 26
Gut 48.5 Goal 36
Hips 47 Goal 36
Fattest Thigh 28.6 Goal 18
Mid Thigh 24.5 Goal 16
Knee 18.5 Goal 15
Calf 16 Goal 14
Trainer Ryan Salvatore: I know this seems like a big task you are undertaking, but I want you to remember -
Muscle weighs more than fat.
As you exercise you will gain muscle and you might not see the scale change and it might even go up. Pay attention to your clothes, your measuring tape, your energy level, your mastery at the exercises you are doing...
Sometimes you will reach a plateau, increase and change up your activity.
Another thing to think about.... You want to lose roughly 70 pounds. How many inches do you want to lose roughly 96 inches. So it is almost a ratio per inch, per pound.
I want you when you lose sight of any progress, look at all your measurements before giving up.
I want to see a good reason before you think about giving up. We are looking at progress in:
Mastery of Exercises
Amount of Weight Using and Reps can do
Little Goals, Slow and Steady and we will win this race.
You want to be fit, toned and healthy. It is about you, today and everyday.
From now on I want to see you thinking of yourself as
No more engorged tummies. You are worth it and I want you to show me that you are even more unbelieveable than even I can imagine. Prove me wrong. Prove to me that you are even better. Show me you can do more, accomplish more and be more.
Prove it to me.
Erica: Study the Daily Action GRID!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Life is about growing and experiencing life. Life is about make a decision and act. Act and do better than you did before. If you make a mistake, grow and keep moving. Don't keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Don't keep making the same mistakes.
For now, I am going to focus on being my own trainer and kicking my butt into gear.
---Write a book and develop through writing.
---Lose weight, get toned.
---Experience and Be.
---Follow self and opportunities as they come up.
---Too much I want to do.
---Not enough time.
---Work is overwhelmingly demotivational and soul stealing.
---Home is full of selfish crap with sick and twisted plans and blah.
---Use Awareness to keep motivated, to keep perspective, to stay on task.
---Keep tracking to stay aware and be able to reflect.
---Break up each day into chewable bites.
(How do you eat an elephant? One tiny bite at a time.)
---No matter what do assigned tasks each day that way I won't get overwhelmed or allow tasks to get out of hand or lost.
---Even though it is exhausting to stay so aware and on point, it will help me become the person I need to be and this must be my focus.
---Focus on writing down my arguments for not doing.
---Use my objective trainer as a way to stay focused.
---Use motivational music, audiobooks and books to keep myself jazzed and motivated.
---Review progress daily, weekly, monthly.
Meet My Personal Trainer -
LOL! His name is Ryan Salvatore. Based off of my favorite "one that got away" & and the "one I pushed away" with hottie Vampire Diaries Character - Damon Salvatore.
I also have imbued him with all the traits of all the men I love and have loved and characters etc.
And then I loved thoughts where:
---- I know who I am and what I need. I can't lie or hide from my true self.
---- We always have great advice for our friends and family but why don't we listen to our own selves.
I fail because I convince myself that this is what I am worth and what I deserve.
THAT IS IT! I am the one who doesn't track, does or doesn't do something.
Plan.... Use the muscle/metabolism confusion of the Skinny Switch and P90X!!!!
Focus on fun, happiness, organization, progress......
I made a grid with all my breakdowns.
I will print it out and work on ------ PROGRESS.
I loved.... love Ryan. He was the only one that once I met him, I had a dream of our son.
He is the one I pushed away so hard. He was the one who thought we didn't finish.
I want to be the girl who if I saw him again would BLOW HIM and all my exes AWAY.
I want to be the ERICA! The Erica that burns inside. The Erica that blew them away. The Erica that inspired and inspires them. I will be that Erica to a deeper level and I will exude it from the inside all the way out.
I will remember what it means to live my life and what I want to do with it.
I will remember why I need Ryan Salvatore and how he will push me to flip this switch and claim this power for my own...
the sleeper has awakened.
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