Thursday, May 20, 2010
I am a planner. I like to think of something nice to do and do it. I like to experience as much as possible and grow.
People around me don't plan, don't want to plan, and want to do everything last minute.
This usually hurts me more because I am the one who pays for rooms, travel, and am usually the one travelling so time off etc.
If I don't plan anything, no one wants to do anything. If I plan to go somewhere, that is when people plan things and then make me feel bad I can't come.
This hurts my people pleasing mentality. IE I want to take a tennis lesson. A handful of friends say oh yeah, I really want to do that. I want to go. Let me know when you go I want to go. If I wait for them, it never happens. If I just do it, they then get mad because they can't do it when I planned. BUT IT WAS PLANNED. YOU KNEW!
So I have a tennis lesson this saturday. It is paid and booked. Everyone is coming out of the woodwork to do things. And I feel bad I can't. But what about the other 3 weekends? What about me asking you? sending emails? nudging you? And no response....
Now I know why I don't call people, keep in touch, or plan things to do with you - Because you don't.
I am finally going to fight for myself. I am going to make plans. And if another plan comes up, I am not going to switch even if it seems more desireable. I am going to stick to my guns. I think this will help me build follow through and a stronger self character.
Do what I say I am going to do.
Yeah well. Obviously if people really wanted to do something with me, they would SOLIDIFY IT, just like they say with a dude.
If he likes you, he will secure that first date, that second date.
I am not going to worry about it anymore.
My plans are my plans and I am sorry if that doesn't fit in with the rest of the world, the group, etc.
I need to work on following through with everything and staying true to myself and listening to myself. It sucks sometimes to do what you say you were going to do but it feels better deep down then being strung along.
I say follow your heart, your instincts, your inside silent voice.
Watch and Listen.
And if people aren't giving you an equal due, don't worry, fret, or give them power.
Just do your thing and shine.
I gotta learn to shine.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
So I heard reasons are the fuel in the furnace of achievement - Brian Tracy.
As I was making my blueprint tonight, I thought instead of focusing on a goal like losing weight, eating right, writing a book. I tend to get overwhelmed by the sheer task, I put out a lot of effort and then fall down and I fear success, I fear failure, I fear, I repress BLAH!
So..... I will focus on cultivation. I will focus on Awareness and Listening. I will keep my blueprint with me all day. I will work on incremental goals and I will work on progress in each areas.
And instead of focusing on the goal. I am going to focus on the reasons or the aspects of the goals themselves.
When I want to fudge or slip, I will decide the obstacle and note it in my book. I will read my reason list, I will make adjustments. I am also adding passages, quotes, and other tricks to keep myself motivated and to do prior to quitting or giving up.
My first goal is to be healthy and toned.
My second goal is to be and feel like a writer. To finish at least the one book in my head.
My third goal is to live in such a way each day that I am cultivating organization, "on"ness - with it attitude, creativity, and awareness.
How I listed my goals (abbreviated.....)
To look great dancing.
To attract my husband.
To have stamina.
To be a flowing energetic individual.
To show Erica inside personality outside.
To have sex and feel sexy.
To look good when I see my ex.
To do more photo modeling.
To feel comfortable when I share ideas.
To feel confident when I meet new people.
To take part in a dancing competition..... YADDA.
so if I focus on each day cultivating these things, thinking of these goals, adding to the list as they come up.. They are all code for lose weight. They are all reasons to lose weight.
But I just focus on my fat butt and exercise and do this and you look horrible and do this.
I get so overwhelmed and I feel like crap and then I work really hard and I decide screw this I deserve to feel good so I pop in a movie and some crap food and "relax and reward" myself.
But if I focus 1. on the reasons instead of the goal. If I focus on the end game. It will be harder to push off 25 reasons for one goal than to push aside one thought of losing weight.
Plus it forces me to remember that this is a connecting goal and it affects my whole life and health. That it isn't about this one situation and moment. It is about the intense conviction and desire to BE ERICA and HAVE THIS LIFE.
The weight is just one small part.
I will keep my blue print with me and the detail for all my goals. I will focus on daily execution of a few tasks and then adding more and keeping myself organized and clear. I will add more activities that keep me connected to my heart.
I am going to work on my blueprint, honing, adding and playing and I will just keep working with it. Just like people have business plans. I will have a life plan. I will dream and visualize and I will play and cultivate. I will hold myself accountable.
I do love love. I want to look into someones eyes again and see something more. I want to feel a connection. I want to share and laugh and be.
I want to do so many things.
But I am also coming to the realization that today is it. Today is all there is.
If I were to pass away, I want to live it with Erica moments and intensity.
I am life. I am love. I want to share my ideas and cultivate and slip in the melody of the void.
Messy love. Messy life. Colors bleeding into desires.
Passion leading me to the doorway.
Only your lips keep me here.
Somewhere I will find you in the field.
Into me. Into you. We are one.
"You've gotten into my bloodstream. I can feel you flowing in me." - Bloodstream by Stateless
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"I have been here many times before.... I hurt myself again today." SIA
I can tell I am repressed in so many ways. I watch myself repress all day long.
Another way I can tell, when I exercise or listen to leadership/motivation audio books, I have an ugly cry. I can't suppress it. It comes up under your skin and it feels like you are bringing out demons.
I sat at lunch today in the car alone in a deserted yet busy parking lot.
I started listening to Brian Tracy's How to Set and Achieve Goals and I just started to have an ugly sob.
****Until you desire... Until you hunger for something as much as you hunger for oxygen.... or
---- that pizza, that weakness food.... What do you crave? Until you desire the change, event, etc as much or more than that.... you won't succeed.
****He mentioned that if you focus on too big of a goal it can actually be demotivational.
****Reasons are the fuel in the furnace of achievement.
More Reasons, Greater the Motivation
"I have lost myself again today." - SIA
I think I am ready to walk on my own two feet out the door of my ego and into the arms of the universe.
"A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd."
My game plan to encourage daily progress chipping away at tasks, building a bank full of healthy days of food intake and exercise.
Awareness and Listening.
Sucking it up.
Eating the Frog.
Ripping off the Band-Aid.
Belief is a big must for you to achieve your goals. Do you believe it? Is it believable? Can you fake it til you make it?
If you have too big of a goal, it will be demotivational instead of inspirational. Look at your actions. If you are working toward your goal you believe it. If you aren't working toward your goal, look to your beliefs. Actions don't lie.
"You have gotten into my bloodstream. I can feel you flowing." - Bloodstream by Stateless
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
So I feel like I am so far off the wagon that my butt is sliding on the ground as it moves along. I got butt brush burns and my arms hurt from holding on. I dare not let go and I can't seem to get the leg strength to shimmy up.
I am farting around in sparkpeople, looking through notes, and the features and it dawned on me... Like those Windows 7 commericals. That if you use all of the features of sparkpeople.
If you blog your frustrations, reach out to people, support them, share, log food, exercise, use notes, savings and calendar and all the reports....
You really will succeed. How can you not? I can't keep praying for a horse to stop the weight wagon so I can scootch back on. Timing - is never right. Heck some people say there is no time.
Life is. Life. It is here to make you the best you can be. Not to give you all that you want.
I am always so much better when I use sparkpeople and all its features.
I am going to refocus and I want to see results - HealthyGirl- YOU ARE ON!
P.S. I love my spark friends! Thank you!
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