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Joy of Sparkpeople

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

So I feel like I am so far off the wagon that my butt is sliding on the ground as it moves along. I got butt brush burns and my arms hurt from holding on. I dare not let go and I can't seem to get the leg strength to shimmy up.

I am farting around in sparkpeople, looking through notes, and the features and it dawned on me... Like those Windows 7 commericals. That if you use all of the features of sparkpeople.
If you blog your frustrations, reach out to people, support them, share, log food, exercise, use notes, savings and calendar and all the reports....

You really will succeed. How can you not? I can't keep praying for a horse to stop the weight wagon so I can scootch back on. Timing - is never right. Heck some people say there is no time.

Life is. Life. It is here to make you the best you can be. Not to give you all that you want.

I am always so much better when I use sparkpeople and all its features.
I am going to refocus and I want to see results - HealthyGirl- YOU ARE ON!

P.S. I love my spark friends! Thank you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XENAMY 5/13/2010 11:33AM

  Well, I got ya on this one. Got it. I've got nail marks in the wooden bed of the wagon! I don't know why it's so hard sometimes. If I were religious, I would start speaking of the devil now. Good to see the resolve. I am with you.

Sometimes I wonder, shouldn't I squeeze every last drop of what I want out of this life? Am I doing that? The answer is a resounding no. Not lately anyway. It is so easy to allow yourself to be derailed by distractions, frustrations, and external garbage. I know it all starts from within. You have to be strong enough on the inside to get through all the crap on the outside. I think. I think. I want. Yet I fall short of meeting. What does this say about me on the inside? Maybe I don't want as badly as the next person?

I don't have answers right now. I am sorting it out. But I am back. And I am hanging on. And I know that's so much better than not being back in the mindset.

Love for reading my ramblings. Love for seeing you back. Miss you tons!

Me.

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LADYBIRD_380 5/13/2010 11:17AM

    Well hey, I'll help you up! I think I need to catch up as I cut the reins a few miles back, but we can get back on. emoticon

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KATELOSS2009 5/13/2010 8:33AM

    LOL - dragging along, arms in the brush... you are really a great writer..

yep - just keeping it in the forefront of you mind really will influence your eating choices... maybe not 100%, but you'll at least be mindful...

hang in there - sometimes it takes being off the wagon to appreciate the wagon itself.

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TALLYCAT13 5/12/2010 5:06PM

    couldn't have said it better myself:) Don't worry about the wagon, or the horse, hell...forget the whole trail. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time:) I'm dealing with the same struggles, and I love that spark people is always there for me:) Keep going strong girl, you got this:)

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CLEARLYCOMPOSED 5/12/2010 1:43PM

    This site is such an awesome resource! (as are the fabulous people that play here) emoticon

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Frustration Abounds

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The number one setback, challenge, stressor in my life is my family.
I think work, weight and other things in my life are second to the family issue.
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For 31.5 years of my life, my family has been the most disrespectful, vicious and horrible influence on my well being.
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I never experienced love until my first love. I never knew someone to actually think of me, to care for me. He helped me to see what love really is and what I should feel for myself. Without him, I would probably still weigh my self esteem against my mother's whims of neglect and self-absorption.
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I forgive. I mean truly forgive my mother for being self-absorbed and not being able to give me one ounce of love. I accept our roles. I buy her food, I drive her places, I change my plans, I move things around to help her, I do so much to support and love her.

I don't ask for money. I don't ask for anything. I have tried my whole life to stay out of her way. I never asked for clothes. I tried to never bother her. I always tried to wrap myself up in a fit of anxiety to try and be the little girl who always did right, kept out of the way, cleaned, etc. and all I asked for was some time and some love. Neither I received. So I assumed it was all my fault, I did wrong. I have to do better.

I of course wasn't a perfect angel. Her lack of attention, care, etc would sometimes set me into a fit of rage which would solidify in my mother that I was crazy.

I am sitting here with an ulcer because I fell for it again. Again, I forgive her for being selfish and choosing anything and everything over being a mother. I bow around her and do my best to keep the peace.

And all I get is screwed, slapped in the face and continually shown by action, deed and word that I am not loved.

My mother doesn't love me. She loves what I give her and what I do for her and what I provide her.

But she never thinks of me. She never thought of me. It has always been "what do I want?" and I would be ever so lucky if my want didn't contradict her want.

The only time I have received any love or care from her is when my want didn't contradict her want. And even when it did, I didn't receive love or care, I just received some of my want.

And what leads to frustration is how do I keep existing like this?
I know my biggest thing is finally move out. She is cancer free.

But until I can save enough, how do I exist?

I tried being the cold person who just fed myself and hid in my room, ignoring them except when I had to deal with them.
I tried giving freely and openly and giving to them and taking care of them.
I tried a middle ground.

But I feel almost every day and in every way I feel like I am being soul tortured.

I understand my mother has never loved me the way a real mother should love their child.
I know it is not my fault and I desire love.
I understand that I am alone and I must prevail alone.
But the sick push and pull, twisted games cut me so deep. I stare at her like she is an alien.
How could a mother say these things to her child? Do these things to her child?
I have over 30 years of evidence both audio and witnessed stories.

How do you keep that from poisoning yourself? For years it did poison me and kept me isolated in this sick abusive game. And now, I try to stay fun loving and caring no matter what no matter how many times they.... she....

But when you compound work and every so often it whittles you down until you are so raw that you just can't protect yourself and you need to lash out or let it all out.

It is so much to take.
I don't know how to handle this. Maybe the answer will come when I keep focusing on my happiness and focus on me. Taking care of me.

As I look back at my life and heal the rifts so I can really love myself and learn to make the right choices, accept responsibility and change my life to be a reflection of the loving person inside.

Still... the emptiness of a cold mother drawing you in just to slap you down, the mother who sweetens your tea and then stabs you in the heart, the mother who never comes home because she is too busy to deal with you, the mother who you think you met in a dream who smiles at you in the morning, who beckons you for a hug or a cuddle and then turns you out to fend for yourself and fight off the world.

It is one thing to be tossed out at age 16-18. But to be tossed out at age 4 and never full allowed back in the house. I have never even known if I stepped inside my mother's heart.

How do you build a foundation? how do you succeed when everyone in your family failed? Everyone is bred to be failures.

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The best way is to suck it up, find peace and find a way out of it.
I can not heal or change what is.
I can only choose to make a better choice and find a way to use the pain when it comes.

Maybe one day I will find someone to love me again. Maybe one day I will love me for the first time. Maybe one day I will have a mother in law and a husband and a father in law that for the first time I can feel like part of a family. Just a few moments, nothing perfect or idealized. Just people who care....

I have always felt alone seeking until I met him and then I was so scared to lose him, I lost him. Maybe through the final acceptance and realizations I can embrace myself, love myself, take care of myself and not lose the best of me along the way.

Maybe through this battle, true happiness and success is beyond the veil.
I will grieve for me at each age and grieve for what I should have had and all the crap that happened along the way and find a way to make them mean something.

It just hurts so much and I pray for the day when my mother's actions don't completely take my breath away. I pray for that last tear.

It just hurts so much. I have tried so hard to be cold and unloving and disrespectful and out for myself. But it just isn't me. And it hurts so hard to love so much, care so much, do so much and get absolutely nothing in return.

Her antics have me sobbing for 1.5 hours. And you know what she hasn't, won't acknowledge it. She will continue laughing, doing her own thing.
In 32 years, I just would like to know what it feels like to cry to be hurt and have a mother hold me and tell me it will be okay. Or a father, or a friend, or ....

some how i will right these wrongs and find a way through this.
I will. be. happy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XENAMY 5/13/2010 11:39AM

  Awww man.... I missed this! I'm so sorry. I hope things have eased a little now. I know you can't change her any more than I can change the people in my world. But you have the desire to succeed... the will to question... the understanding and burning knowledge that you want more than what you've got.

This is the start. You will be happy. You will rise above it all. I don't know how to tell you to get over it or move on or keep your head up because you know what I've had to deal with recently. It is sad and I know how deeply it hurts. But at the end of the day, you are you. YOU are YOU! And that's just amazing, because I know that you will rise above it all and get through... just like I will.

Hang in babe.

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CLEARLYCOMPOSED 5/12/2010 1:45PM

    nothing to add...but hugs, and lots of them... emoticon

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1DERLAND_BOUND 5/12/2010 8:51AM

    No advice, but sending lots of emoticon and good thoughts your way.

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AWOLF24 5/12/2010 8:27AM

    emoticon

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DEVOTEEOFISET 5/12/2010 8:12AM

    Awww. Thank you Jackie for reading my emotional rant. It is hard to shut out a parent especially when my mom is the only person who was physically there in my life. She might not be there but ... lol... who knows. I am going to see if I can come up with a better solution. It all ends up in the crapper when I give a hoot, or put any faith in her whatsoever. I will focus on me and getting out. It hurts my heart because I always think of her. She has even "playfully" called me mom. Which is ridiculous but true. Thanks for just reading and being there Jackie! XOXOXOX
In the words of Mr. Darcy, I will overcome this.

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FINDINGMYWAY09 5/12/2010 7:34AM

    Wow, I'm really sorry now I know if I was in your situtation I would probably be doing the same things however I will still ask it why do you communicate yourself with her? Does she need you because if not I say walk away. Also I think I will ask someone I know whos parents were "too old" to take care of her and always ignored her, when she got A's in school it was "Why isn't that an A+?" She was never good enough for them

However she walked away and when they died she was more upset about it because she didn't have closure or something (again I'll have to ask her). If she has any advice I shall pass it along.

But again why associate yourself with someone who hurts you so much (coming form the girl who won't shut out a guy who constantly tells her she worthless but I have been limiting my communication with him.)?

I know I can't be there in person to give you a hug but I will from afar! emoticon and you're right you will be happy!

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Ssssshhhhhhh

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My challenge (I wish I could make challenge a really teeny tiny font) for today is...

to go home, remain still and complete necessary tasks along with life crucial tasks (hot tea, meditate, write etc).

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When I was younger, my mind and mouth would go a mile a minute. I could talk for hours my own special monologue. My dearest friends still hung around and loved me inspite or because of it.

As I got older, I experienced more mental moments of Sssshhhhhh.

I would start a monologue and I would hear a form of ssssshhhh and I would lose it.
Everything seemed calmed and I didn't need to say the things I normally would.

Then I found that instead of people thinking I am this smart crazy quirky girl they now thought I was a boring not so interesting girl because I no longer needed to express opinions. I just went about my day enjoying, observing and just being instead of needing to be all TA DA! PO YA! WHOOT WHOOT.

Now, I don't know where I stand. But I love my new book by Osho. The first chapter is all about - "Who am i?" It is amazing.

I never really lived in the Ssssshhhhh... Maybe it doesn't matter what people think of me or how I am viewed. What matters is who i am and living in the ssshhhh.

As I go further in this journey, it seems the truth is in the sssshhhhh.

  


Life as it comes...

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Today I witnessed a friend's baptism. I usually cry at any religious service or a concert lol.
I think it has a lot to do with the energy in a room. Although I cry at commericials and the Ghost Whisperer and that is on every week and I still cry when she crosses someone over.

But when everyone was submerged, I was practically overwhelmed and I was sobbing when my friend was submerged. It is nice to see someone choosing something, making a dedication and declaration of something. I respect everyone's choice and applaud someone standing up for something.

I can't say what changed in me. Maybe it was just a good cathartic cry in public sharing in a friends deep love for something.

At the end of the service the pastor said something like... You should make the way you live your life as proof of your faith.

I saw Repo Men this weekend (eh! lol) but he said, a job isn't just a job. You are your job. If you don't like your life, change your job. This hit home just because I am trying to reconcile myself in what I do for 40 hours and find a way to do what I love instead.

I completely believe the proof is in the pudding. My life is the result of my choices and decisions.

You don't need explanations or excuses or anything. Your life should be able to stand on its own as your life, belief.

I have been playing around with my ideas of ego and happy.

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I took a Survivor Profile from The Survivor's Club and my results are that
I am a fighter. My top attributes are resilience, intelligence, and purpose.

The things I need to work on are flow, love and tenacity.

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Today, I was driving home and I saw this guy with a camping backpack, he looked a little roughed up and unwashed. And I looked at his sign saying something like Homeless, Hungry ... I couldn't really see the rest as I sped by.

Now I don't give homeless people money for many reasons. I used to and for the most part I don't anymore. However, when I drove by him, I looked at his face because this is not a usual place for a homeless person.

As I passed him, I just saw the $10 bill in my purse and had a feeling that I needed to give it to him.

Now old Erica would talk myself out of it and go home and then kick myself for awhile later. Not because I didn't give a homeless man money but that I didn't listen to my instincts.

So I fought myself while I sat at the light looking at him in my rearview mirror.
I made my right and I just started to feel hot and sick and conflicted. I turned the corner and started making a circle back around. I pulled the ten out of my purse. And then I started to think, how do I give it to him. He is on my passenger side, it is a busy street and I started to worry and fret and do old Erica stuff.

I stopped at him, opened the window a little and he was startled and came to the window and thanked me profusely and the raspy youngish dirty face wrenched at my heart. But I gave him the $10 and went home.

The adrenaline coursed through my body. I did it. I had a thought and I followed through.
I want to be the type of person that follows her instincts because they always lead me in the right way. And you never know. I really don't think this one was a drunk, maybe a lazy guy, or maybe someone who ran away or was kicked out. But he wasn't the "usual" homeless person I see.

I don't know how the universe wants to use me but I want to follow my instincts.
I want to listen and follow through. I don't want to fear the blowback or imagined fear.

(side story: My ex and I used to drive around. We passed a hospital and this woman came out onto the grounds and she broke down in agony. She dropped herself to the ground and I witnessed a cry from a stranger and my heart said, have him stop the car and get out and comfort the woman. But then I had all these overthoughts saying that she wouldn't want me to see her vulnerable, that she .............
And I let these thoughts eat me alive. And then I started talking to my ex and he said, lets go back and if she is there we will stop and get her flowers and comfort her.
She wasn't there..... Maybe she would yell at me, or tell me to go away, or ...........
Maybe she needed me.... maybe even if she shooed me away, she might think about it later.

I have tons of these things where I have an instinct and I do the opposite for fear of something.}

I need to be able to be seen as a goof, an idiot, a wackado.
I want to be true to myself.

All of these things I wish to cultivate in May!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYROBIN100 5/7/2010 9:49PM

    I don't know why you are having these conflicted, do...don't do feelings. I let the whole experience wash over me and go with it. Maybe I trust in my gut more. I usually don't have these kind of opportunities all that often, so when it does come up, I relish having the gift of the experience instead of the worries. I see the opportunity as the gift, not the gift itself. Try that and se if you feel different. Every opportunity to give , is what needs to be cherished. emoticon

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XENAMY 5/5/2010 10:00AM

  Awww man.... I sat in my office and cried over this today. It's just so warm and happy and crazy and real and good. And yes, I'm aware that I'm probably on the cusp of losing all my marbles.

You are living and feeling. You are you. You are wonderful... just go with it.

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LADYBIRD_380 5/3/2010 11:11AM

    I hear ya on following your gut feelings... I've given my pizza leftovers to some guy asking for change. You hear stories about people buying the homeless guy a $1 burger at McD's only to get cussed out for not giving cash. Then you have the really big dude at a psychic convention in the lobby of your hotel tell you you're beautiful on a Saturday morning. Nevermind the fact he's 40 and you're 19. I guess some "gut feelings" shouldn't be acted on, but for the most part you're good to go lol!

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CLEARLYCOMPOSED 5/2/2010 11:20PM

    I love the energy of your blogs. It's like the words smile and dance and I twirl around with the ideas and joy here. Thank you for that. :)

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Because it is so much easier not to.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

I thought I better sit myself down and give an update. Sometimes when you fall off the tracking wagon, you tell yourself you will catch up tomorrow, the next day, the next day and then a week has gone by and then you think okay - tomorrow will be day one again. And then you think well, since I am starting over, I will start tomorrow, and then tomorrow....

Ten years later and 100 pounds heavier and you are kicking yourself. Heck, you aren't kicking yourself, you can't even kick with your enormous thighs.

Since my last posts... I have been going through a whirlwind of stuff. I am still pushing through work and activities. This is my first weekend home. I feel bad that I bailed on my STEP grandparents anniversary but I NEED A DAY! Why do commitments make you feel so bad?

1. My dearest friends and I made requests to the universe in the Spring for what we want to come in our lives. And for my friends, they are miraculously in some cases coming true.
Not, like mine isn't but mine was --- To be an open and loving channel for the universe to be what I need to be in this world. And true enough if I am not getting what I wanted as well.
Mine just isn't as satisfactory as mine comes with a lot of work. Like I just asked for tons of problems when they asked for an end goal.

So since that weekend, I have been having a snowball kind of thing going on...
More tests, more pressures, more insights, more pushing and I haven't had a moment to even process it yet. I will and I will blog. As now, I am just all over the place but I wanted to give a shout out to all of my sparkfriends who ask about me and keep me planted.

I am pushing through my comfort zone, my laziness, my lack of direction or choice to act,
I am sitting down with demons for tea to work through their issues so they will let me go.
I am learning to do everything I always avoided for fear.... of fear.

Right now.... I am reading.....

The Survivor's Club
Watching The Matrix
Reading Hagakure, The Book of the Samurai
Samurai, The code of the warrior
Various books by Osho
Happier
bits and pieces of tons of other books.

Somewhere I am. Somewhere I am forming a new way of being that is not focused on excitement, success, money, love. It is focused on me. It is focused on what is real happiness, what is joy, what is the end game what is the now game.

Somewhere something is silent within me. Somewhere I know the decision is there.
Somewhere ... change is ... I am.

Happy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLEARLYCOMPOSED 5/2/2010 12:07PM

    Wonderful blog! I adore the idea of a demon tea party and just may pinch it for a short story I have in mind. Fear's a nasty lil limiter in life. Good for you for seeing it for what it is and moving forward anyway. Growth can be messy but, seems like you know that. *warm smile* keep fighting the good fight and believing in your purpose. :)

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QUIDDITCHGRRL 5/1/2010 6:29PM

    If only we could glean all of the insight before we begin the journey!

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XENAMY 5/1/2010 4:54PM

  Happy! Happy! Happy happy joy joy! Ok, silly, I know, but I want to climb out and play in the sun and the beach and smell the cut grass and the music and the pages of the new book and the coffee and feel the room in my pants...the room along the waistline...

We will get there... baby steps. Tiny little steps. I love you tons!!!

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