Wednesday, May 12, 2010
So I feel like I am so far off the wagon that my butt is sliding on the ground as it moves along. I got butt brush burns and my arms hurt from holding on. I dare not let go and I can't seem to get the leg strength to shimmy up.
I am farting around in sparkpeople, looking through notes, and the features and it dawned on me... Like those Windows 7 commericals. That if you use all of the features of sparkpeople.
If you blog your frustrations, reach out to people, support them, share, log food, exercise, use notes, savings and calendar and all the reports....
You really will succeed. How can you not? I can't keep praying for a horse to stop the weight wagon so I can scootch back on. Timing - is never right. Heck some people say there is no time.
Life is. Life. It is here to make you the best you can be. Not to give you all that you want.
I am always so much better when I use sparkpeople and all its features.
I am going to refocus and I want to see results - HealthyGirl- YOU ARE ON!
P.S. I love my spark friends! Thank you!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The number one setback, challenge, stressor in my life is my family.
I think work, weight and other things in my life are second to the family issue.
For 31.5 years of my life, my family has been the most disrespectful, vicious and horrible influence on my well being.
I never experienced love until my first love. I never knew someone to actually think of me, to care for me. He helped me to see what love really is and what I should feel for myself. Without him, I would probably still weigh my self esteem against my mother's whims of neglect and self-absorption.
I forgive. I mean truly forgive my mother for being self-absorbed and not being able to give me one ounce of love. I accept our roles. I buy her food, I drive her places, I change my plans, I move things around to help her, I do so much to support and love her.
I don't ask for money. I don't ask for anything. I have tried my whole life to stay out of her way. I never asked for clothes. I tried to never bother her. I always tried to wrap myself up in a fit of anxiety to try and be the little girl who always did right, kept out of the way, cleaned, etc. and all I asked for was some time and some love. Neither I received. So I assumed it was all my fault, I did wrong. I have to do better.
I of course wasn't a perfect angel. Her lack of attention, care, etc would sometimes set me into a fit of rage which would solidify in my mother that I was crazy.
I am sitting here with an ulcer because I fell for it again. Again, I forgive her for being selfish and choosing anything and everything over being a mother. I bow around her and do my best to keep the peace.
And all I get is screwed, slapped in the face and continually shown by action, deed and word that I am not loved.
My mother doesn't love me. She loves what I give her and what I do for her and what I provide her.
But she never thinks of me. She never thought of me. It has always been "what do I want?" and I would be ever so lucky if my want didn't contradict her want.
The only time I have received any love or care from her is when my want didn't contradict her want. And even when it did, I didn't receive love or care, I just received some of my want.
And what leads to frustration is how do I keep existing like this?
I know my biggest thing is finally move out. She is cancer free.
But until I can save enough, how do I exist?
I tried being the cold person who just fed myself and hid in my room, ignoring them except when I had to deal with them.
I tried giving freely and openly and giving to them and taking care of them.
I tried a middle ground.
But I feel almost every day and in every way I feel like I am being soul tortured.
I understand my mother has never loved me the way a real mother should love their child.
I know it is not my fault and I desire love.
I understand that I am alone and I must prevail alone.
But the sick push and pull, twisted games cut me so deep. I stare at her like she is an alien.
How could a mother say these things to her child? Do these things to her child?
I have over 30 years of evidence both audio and witnessed stories.
How do you keep that from poisoning yourself? For years it did poison me and kept me isolated in this sick abusive game. And now, I try to stay fun loving and caring no matter what no matter how many times they.... she....
But when you compound work and every so often it whittles you down until you are so raw that you just can't protect yourself and you need to lash out or let it all out.
It is so much to take.
I don't know how to handle this. Maybe the answer will come when I keep focusing on my happiness and focus on me. Taking care of me.
As I look back at my life and heal the rifts so I can really love myself and learn to make the right choices, accept responsibility and change my life to be a reflection of the loving person inside.
Still... the emptiness of a cold mother drawing you in just to slap you down, the mother who sweetens your tea and then stabs you in the heart, the mother who never comes home because she is too busy to deal with you, the mother who you think you met in a dream who smiles at you in the morning, who beckons you for a hug or a cuddle and then turns you out to fend for yourself and fight off the world.
It is one thing to be tossed out at age 16-18. But to be tossed out at age 4 and never full allowed back in the house. I have never even known if I stepped inside my mother's heart.
How do you build a foundation? how do you succeed when everyone in your family failed? Everyone is bred to be failures.
The best way is to suck it up, find peace and find a way out of it.
I can not heal or change what is.
I can only choose to make a better choice and find a way to use the pain when it comes.
Maybe one day I will find someone to love me again. Maybe one day I will love me for the first time. Maybe one day I will have a mother in law and a husband and a father in law that for the first time I can feel like part of a family. Just a few moments, nothing perfect or idealized. Just people who care....
I have always felt alone seeking until I met him and then I was so scared to lose him, I lost him. Maybe through the final acceptance and realizations I can embrace myself, love myself, take care of myself and not lose the best of me along the way.
Maybe through this battle, true happiness and success is beyond the veil.
I will grieve for me at each age and grieve for what I should have had and all the crap that happened along the way and find a way to make them mean something.
It just hurts so much and I pray for the day when my mother's actions don't completely take my breath away. I pray for that last tear.
It just hurts so much. I have tried so hard to be cold and unloving and disrespectful and out for myself. But it just isn't me. And it hurts so hard to love so much, care so much, do so much and get absolutely nothing in return.
Her antics have me sobbing for 1.5 hours. And you know what she hasn't, won't acknowledge it. She will continue laughing, doing her own thing.
In 32 years, I just would like to know what it feels like to cry to be hurt and have a mother hold me and tell me it will be okay. Or a father, or a friend, or ....
some how i will right these wrongs and find a way through this.
I will. be. happy.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
My challenge (I wish I could make challenge a really teeny tiny font) for today is...
to go home, remain still and complete necessary tasks along with life crucial tasks (hot tea, meditate, write etc).
When I was younger, my mind and mouth would go a mile a minute. I could talk for hours my own special monologue. My dearest friends still hung around and loved me inspite or because of it.
As I got older, I experienced more mental moments of Sssshhhhhh.
I would start a monologue and I would hear a form of ssssshhhh and I would lose it.
Everything seemed calmed and I didn't need to say the things I normally would.
Then I found that instead of people thinking I am this smart crazy quirky girl they now thought I was a boring not so interesting girl because I no longer needed to express opinions. I just went about my day enjoying, observing and just being instead of needing to be all TA DA! PO YA! WHOOT WHOOT.
Now, I don't know where I stand. But I love my new book by Osho. The first chapter is all about - "Who am i?" It is amazing.
I never really lived in the Ssssshhhhh... Maybe it doesn't matter what people think of me or how I am viewed. What matters is who i am and living in the ssshhhh.
As I go further in this journey, it seems the truth is in the sssshhhhh.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Today I witnessed a friend's baptism. I usually cry at any religious service or a concert lol.
I think it has a lot to do with the energy in a room. Although I cry at commericials and the Ghost Whisperer and that is on every week and I still cry when she crosses someone over.
But when everyone was submerged, I was practically overwhelmed and I was sobbing when my friend was submerged. It is nice to see someone choosing something, making a dedication and declaration of something. I respect everyone's choice and applaud someone standing up for something.
I can't say what changed in me. Maybe it was just a good cathartic cry in public sharing in a friends deep love for something.
At the end of the service the pastor said something like... You should make the way you live your life as proof of your faith.
I saw Repo Men this weekend (eh! lol) but he said, a job isn't just a job. You are your job. If you don't like your life, change your job. This hit home just because I am trying to reconcile myself in what I do for 40 hours and find a way to do what I love instead.
I completely believe the proof is in the pudding. My life is the result of my choices and decisions.
You don't need explanations or excuses or anything. Your life should be able to stand on its own as your life, belief.
I have been playing around with my ideas of ego and happy.
I took a Survivor Profile from The Survivor's Club and my results are that
I am a fighter. My top attributes are resilience, intelligence, and purpose.
The things I need to work on are flow, love and tenacity.
Today, I was driving home and I saw this guy with a camping backpack, he looked a little roughed up and unwashed. And I looked at his sign saying something like Homeless, Hungry ... I couldn't really see the rest as I sped by.
Now I don't give homeless people money for many reasons. I used to and for the most part I don't anymore. However, when I drove by him, I looked at his face because this is not a usual place for a homeless person.
As I passed him, I just saw the $10 bill in my purse and had a feeling that I needed to give it to him.
Now old Erica would talk myself out of it and go home and then kick myself for awhile later. Not because I didn't give a homeless man money but that I didn't listen to my instincts.
So I fought myself while I sat at the light looking at him in my rearview mirror.
I made my right and I just started to feel hot and sick and conflicted. I turned the corner and started making a circle back around. I pulled the ten out of my purse. And then I started to think, how do I give it to him. He is on my passenger side, it is a busy street and I started to worry and fret and do old Erica stuff.
I stopped at him, opened the window a little and he was startled and came to the window and thanked me profusely and the raspy youngish dirty face wrenched at my heart. But I gave him the $10 and went home.
The adrenaline coursed through my body. I did it. I had a thought and I followed through.
I want to be the type of person that follows her instincts because they always lead me in the right way. And you never know. I really don't think this one was a drunk, maybe a lazy guy, or maybe someone who ran away or was kicked out. But he wasn't the "usual" homeless person I see.
I don't know how the universe wants to use me but I want to follow my instincts.
I want to listen and follow through. I don't want to fear the blowback or imagined fear.
(side story: My ex and I used to drive around. We passed a hospital and this woman came out onto the grounds and she broke down in agony. She dropped herself to the ground and I witnessed a cry from a stranger and my heart said, have him stop the car and get out and comfort the woman. But then I had all these overthoughts saying that she wouldn't want me to see her vulnerable, that she .............
And I let these thoughts eat me alive. And then I started talking to my ex and he said, lets go back and if she is there we will stop and get her flowers and comfort her.
She wasn't there..... Maybe she would yell at me, or tell me to go away, or ...........
Maybe she needed me.... maybe even if she shooed me away, she might think about it later.
I have tons of these things where I have an instinct and I do the opposite for fear of something.}
I need to be able to be seen as a goof, an idiot, a wackado.
I want to be true to myself.
All of these things I wish to cultivate in May!
Saturday, May 01, 2010
I thought I better sit myself down and give an update. Sometimes when you fall off the tracking wagon, you tell yourself you will catch up tomorrow, the next day, the next day and then a week has gone by and then you think okay - tomorrow will be day one again. And then you think well, since I am starting over, I will start tomorrow, and then tomorrow....
Ten years later and 100 pounds heavier and you are kicking yourself. Heck, you aren't kicking yourself, you can't even kick with your enormous thighs.
Since my last posts... I have been going through a whirlwind of stuff. I am still pushing through work and activities. This is my first weekend home. I feel bad that I bailed on my STEP grandparents anniversary but I NEED A DAY! Why do commitments make you feel so bad?
1. My dearest friends and I made requests to the universe in the Spring for what we want to come in our lives. And for my friends, they are miraculously in some cases coming true.
Not, like mine isn't but mine was --- To be an open and loving channel for the universe to be what I need to be in this world. And true enough if I am not getting what I wanted as well.
Mine just isn't as satisfactory as mine comes with a lot of work. Like I just asked for tons of problems when they asked for an end goal.
So since that weekend, I have been having a snowball kind of thing going on...
More tests, more pressures, more insights, more pushing and I haven't had a moment to even process it yet. I will and I will blog. As now, I am just all over the place but I wanted to give a shout out to all of my sparkfriends who ask about me and keep me planted.
I am pushing through my comfort zone, my laziness, my lack of direction or choice to act,
I am sitting down with demons for tea to work through their issues so they will let me go.
I am learning to do everything I always avoided for fear.... of fear.
Right now.... I am reading.....
The Survivor's Club
Watching The Matrix
Reading Hagakure, The Book of the Samurai
Samurai, The code of the warrior
Various books by Osho
bits and pieces of tons of other books.
Somewhere I am. Somewhere I am forming a new way of being that is not focused on excitement, success, money, love. It is focused on me. It is focused on what is real happiness, what is joy, what is the end game what is the now game.
Somewhere something is silent within me. Somewhere I know the decision is there.
Somewhere ... change is ... I am.
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