Thursday, April 22, 2010
We had a new girl since Jan 5, 10. I tried to train her, I tried to work with her, I tried to help her. It is almost 4 months and she doesn't have the things down she needs from week 1.
I have been up nights, hating work, just feeling yucky over this for four months.
Today, I stepped up and discussed it with my boss.
I feel LOADS better.
I feel listened to and I think she is going to give her a week trial before deciding to let her go.
Either way I am happy. She is okay if she just does her job.
My cheeks are warm with relief and adrenaline.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A recurring thought I have is how I am the MUSE and a man can not fall in love with a MUSE.
I always fall for guys who inspire me and usually I inspire them as well. But it never works out in a relationship. How can you be in a relationship with someone who constantly pushes you to be better? Sometimes that means pushing yourself right out of a relationship.
If you are both looking to be the best and pushing each other to keep getting better, where does a relationship come in? And when do you sacrifice a relationship to improve yourself?
I was catching with a guy friend I find to be scintillating and he finds me to be creative, funny, the most __________ fill in the blank he ever met.
But it doesn't work.
I have a ton of these relationships. Some might say he has lessons to learn and needs to be in a relationship that will faciliate those lessons. But they always come back for me to light the match, to be a catalyst, to light their way....
And I don't mind because it sends sparks my way too... To help someone inspires me to get off my own butt.
And how can a relationship stand when you have so many sparked relationships to draw from. Maybe I will fall in love with a steady mechanic or a witty professor.
But I yearn to be as inspired and feel the way about a man - the way these people feel about me but more--- with a love relationship to boot.
Maybe... it is coming. And I read that we are all one. So I am him, and her and his wife, and my son, and a neighbor. I do have it all. I am all.
All is me.
This is just one perception of one experience.
It just smarts a little to be so revered and yet not wanted. Not like I REALLY WANT HIM - It is an ego thing. When you dance with someone with such strong emotions flowing between you, it must be a natural physical reaction to want to be possessed by it to take it there.
I don't really want him. He isn't good for me and honestly he is below me in the sense of matched power and ability. But he definitely is an inspiration and it feels good to be needed in a way that is higher than the base desires.
That someone sees me as a light, an inspiration, a catalyst.
But I can't tell you how many times I run into a guy who thinks of me as his MUSE but doesn't want me and I always think --- There is another one.
I should write a story about that....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So... after hemming and hauling, I decided to book a room and go to the Rifleman Event. I had so many reservations and fears/challenges.
And Life definitely tested me throughout the weekend.
I didn't have my own rifle so I was using a brand new rifle to learn everything from and it wasn't a standard rifle.
I was surrounded by men who pretty much knew what they were doing.
But I listened to the instructions, asked for help anytime I was slightly lost, I spoke up for myself. I got to use a loaner rifle which improved my score, I got individualized attention, I got a contact for future questions.
At the end of the first day, I was pooped and I had to drive like 5 miles for a MCDonalds, I almost gave up. I passed out at the end of the day. We started at 8:30 am and we were done at 6pm.
The second day I was able to use the loaner rifle all day. I didn't lost my cheer all day. It hurt up and down in the drills. We even did a "fun" shoot where we went to the opposite end of the field, did jumping jacks, then ran when the zombies came and had to shoot the Zombie targets.
I never had that much pain before. Close but not that intense. Every part of me hurt. My elbows, my shoulder blades, inside the shoulders, every part of the arm, my whole leg, my back. I think the only thing that didn't was my abs. Even my cheeks hurt.
The second day was 8:30 to 6pm of up and down and up and down.
I have to say though - (BEWARE TOOTING OF OWN HORN)
I rock! Going to events like this I notice how bubbly I am. How people gravitate towards me and enjoy and help me. Many people think highly of me and appreciate my efforts.
I go to these things and I push myself. I learn, I explore.
Part of me wishes I could have more friends into the same activities so I could enjoy them and go more. But.... people don't do it, they don't follow through, they cancel, they pass...
But I go. And I go alone. I have been to wine classes, a constitution class, conventions, this rifleman class, a class tonight - all by myself. And I meet people, I make friends.
I am feeling like my one friend, we always laugh because anywhere she goes, there is someone she knows. That is becoming ME! I knew 4 people at this event.
And I have learned in this life. If you want to do something, do it. It is nice to have people to go with but don't hold yourself back. Don't wait. I did that I came home all excited to share and explore an event with my mom and she just ignored me until I said to her, "Mom, Please tell me you are not interested or let's discuss this later." And then I keep asking her. And the kicker is when I go --- I hear, "ohhh I wanted to go."
LIE. Just plain - LIES.
But...... I learned a lot this weekend as in accepting experiences and how life is. Not fighting it going with the flow, moving around it, allowing it to mold you as you mold it.
I also feel so confident with a rifle now. I spend a weekend of safety officiers watching my every moment, critiquing me, analyzing me, moving my positions, yelling, nudging etc...
Do that over and over and over again - and you got it!
And tonight I am going to get a pistol refresher course with my own! I finally get to shoot it.
It is about controlling your breath, actions, awareness. It is about pushing yourself to try and do different things. Just see - you may like it, you may not.
It is about finding ways to keep yourself motivated and keep challenging yourself.
In the end, I didn't make Rifleman. It is FREAKING HARD! lol But I am determined to make Rifleman this year.
I came on to the scene last year a newb with all kinds of questions and thoughts.
I read and studied a little and got immediately overwhelmed by all of the events happening around me.
But now, I am going to suck it up, face life and make this statue of rock hard abs the most freaking unbelievable woman ever lol....
I am going to be the most glamourous Zen Buddha chickie with an artist streak ever lol
WAIT - I AM.
And my ABS - ARE FORMING... I hear them. Do you hear them? Thats ABS A Forming.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
My first milestone is May 1, 2010. Then May 1 - May 31 will be the first calendar month of positive changes.
Since April 5, I have made a lot of good choices, broken some habits, faced down fears and broken through my comfort zone. I think the best description is I feel different.
Have you ever looked back at your life and thought I feel like a different person as if a microchip was removed and a new program was inserted. Different.
I feel that way. My progress hasn't been stellar. I haven't lost a lot of weight or written a book or finished a lesson I was supposed to but my everyday choices are getting better. I plan more and that makes my free moments more aware.
I noticed this past weekend and few days, my choices are bettter. I think about my free moments and food choice more clearly and making a better choice. I don't choose per taste so much as what didn't I eat today and how can I fit more of it in.
I don't know how to fit all of my activities in. I had this problem before. I don't know how.
I know I can't beat myself up and I need to focus on each day as a separate measurable entity. Both judging as a whole and how it adds up to a different life.
On 4/20/10 that marked an anniversary of my ex and I and it just creates a murky undertone a sad little feeling. As I get better and grow, the more I realize things about life then and now.
Reflection itself can be something that just stretches your own perception of life, love and being.
Tonight I won't be home until 8pm so I have two hours before I go to sleep to do it all again.
Either way. I feel stronger than I felt in a long time.
I feel capable.
I won't worry about anything.
I will just move, choose, reflect and decide, and move... move... move....
Things are stirring within me. I have a lot more ingredients to add and flames to add to increase the intensity but I just want to hold on to this new sense of self that seems to be growing...
Reports to resume 4/22/10
Friday, April 16, 2010
I am on a few nights of little sleep. I have to go home, pack, clean, and travel about 1.75 hrs, check in, go to sleep.
I was definitely challenged as I drove in complete white out conditions. All I could see was the mack truck's two red lights. Sometimes I felt like giving up and pulling off the road and sometimes I felt scared but I just mustered up the courage and just kept going and I did it and in record time!
I have to be up at 7 AM and I will be in the muddy field learning about how to be a rifleman.
In honor of April 19,1775 we will be having more festivities than they normally do.
I am hoping to be out of the mud by 6pm and shower, eat and get ready for Sunday in the mud. We should get out about 4pm on Sunday so I can drive home and get ready for work on Monday.
I will be surrounded by a ton of guys and I don't feel my best. I had to buy jeans in a 14! A 14. These are my first and last 14 jeans.
I didn't feel weird or awkward at all. I went at it with an upbeat attitude and completely ended leaving with at least 1 new friend and a few others and there were even a few people I already knew!!! Plus most of the guys were nice and one took great care of me.
I will be vulnerable around guys and my stepfather. My stepfather will probably not help much and I won't want to make a mistake. I used the gun he wanted me to and sucked it up and asked the one guy to help me become acquainted with it and I was proud because no one ever shot it before. My step-dad had all kinds of problems and stuff but I just focused on my ability and learning.
I will be alone in the hotel rooms by myself in the middle of nowhere.
OMG! I was in a barn and the area was supposed to be haunted and there were all kinds of noises and I had the top of my room looked like the amityville horror house AHAHAHAHHAHA But I held strong even with the bugs in the room by myself... I put my big girl pants on and got through it. The owner was a great guy and he was in the house around the property but it was spppoooky as all get up....
I will have a hard time to eat proper meals and will be eating mostly bars, snacks and water.
I rocked this. I didn't get tons of water but I made great choices and ate with mental awareness. Plus who is going to lay in the mud with a full engorged stomach
I will not have a weekend to rest. And OLD ERICA, would get so anxious and scared and would flake out without time to rest and recuperate.
The pain and sense of accomplishment completely blew this out of the water!!!!! I feel like a QUEEEN!!!! Empress!!!! I feel like I can accomplish anything!!!
It is hard to be on the go and I will be on the go all next weekend most likely and the next weekend. And to know that I am going to be on the go for 3 weekends, I am already starting to crack just thinking about it.
---------------I am going to try and pace myself, stay in the now, not think about the future, and make this moment THE BEST MOMENT.
Plus I have to do my Pudge off exercises.
Plus I may have limited access to internet I may not.
I don't think I will have access to a fridge so I will really be limited.
I had a fridge and I took my electric tea kettle, I was able to eat oatmeal for breakfast and cold drinks :)
The list goes on...
I am going to stay strong, listen to myself, take my time, breathe, eat the best I can, drink water and realize -- it is not about having a weekend off, a day or an hour. It is about being me, eating right, and making the most of each day.
More flipping the switch and rethinking needs to be done but I am hoping this weekend I will have some moments to just be and maybe find a moment to rethink some thoughts about going 18 hrs a day non stop and still moving toward growth instead of crisis management.
Review: I don't know what else to say but this weekend was great. It reawakened my love of men, my love of capable strong men, my love of knowledge, my love of emotion and feeling, my love of purpose and action, my love of ability and training, my love of --------
To push past a fear.
I hope to take this feeling into forever and keep on trucking......
I wish I could scream
over and over again lol....
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