Thursday, April 08, 2010
So I am thinking often about loving myself. And I was thinking on the way in to work that I really feel like a whore. I feel like I sell 8 plus hours of my life for cash. I was thinking about how when I am driving home or to work, the windows down, the music up, watching the clouds I feel home, happy. I love the idea of moving, seeing.
I was thinking about relationships and how no wonder I don't respect myself in a relationship and give "it" up to easy or fall so hard over a guy. I already feel like I am selling my soul to survive. What more would it be to sell part of my body? It is not a very far jump. And maybe only the extra rolls keep me from choosing another path. How wrong or different would it be to marry a man for money. And would it really be more than 8 hours a day I would have to devote to him. And would I mind if I was on a yacht or something else.
I am just mulling over some thoughts. What do I want from life? How do I want to spend my life? What do I want to stand for? What do I need to do to get there? What journey must I take?
When you spend your life listening to other people, what you should be, what you should do, working at a job that you hate for cash, seeing people you know doing things they hate, settling....
It takes a lot to realize what life means to you. And once you do, it takes a lot to change a mentality that is so engrained.
Realizing that I have to find a position in life where I can be happy and feel like my 8 hours is more than me needing cash. I want my life to mean something, if only to me.
I need to find a better way to spend my life, to live my life.
This will be my island on Lost. My purgatory. My destiny. My character building sludge.
Just thinking about how to change my attitude and my life. I want to be like my boss -