Sunday, March 14, 2010
My Tarot Reading - I just asked about love and just getting all my stuff righted and situated.
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Page of Swords: The essence of air behaving as earth, such as a steady wind: The approach of an unexpected challenge, to be met with clear thought and just action. A person filled with an eager appetite for all matters of mind and logic. The gathering of information through unfaltering vigilance, careful examination, and subtle spycraft. The use of reason or eloquent speech to penetrate the veil of confusion and cut to the heart of the matter.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Three of Swords (Sorrow), when reversed: Unsettling news that helps you to distance yourself from a destructive relationship. Painfully honest communication that needs to take place. Not letting yourself be dragged by your emotions into a negative situation. A trust or confidence betrayed in an attempt to help someone in need. The revelation of a painful truth.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. Knight of Wands: The essence of fire, such a great conflagration. One filled with vitality and passion for life. A sexy and exciting person, daring in their actions, cocky in their attitude, and utterly without fear. Absolute sincerity, coupled with violent emotions that swing wildly from one extreme to another. Boundless creativity and lust for a change of both pace and place. The rapid approach, or more likely departure, of something that sets your world ablaze. Often suggests travel or escape.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Justice: The achievement of balance and inner harmony after a great trial. Agreements, contracts, or treaties concluded justly. Things set to rights. Karma restored. A turn for the better in legal matters.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. The Hierophant: Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Seven of Swords (Futility), when reversed: Being trapped in a hopeless situation and unable to withdraw. A feat of daring that is too much for you to handle. Being caught in the middle of a desperate act of cunning or outright deception.
I feel like the last card is where I have been at for a while, but I feel stronger that I can finally get some resolution.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Man weekends suck. I feel like I just got up this morning and BAM! It is 5 and I will lose an hour shortly when I move my clock forward. We really should just stick with a time.
I feel slightly lost. I had an infusion of joy and wonder last weekend with the glorious weather. The week, the lack of sun and now lovely torrential wind and rain, I feel cast adrift.
I finished 3 books and watched some tv and rested. But now I feel restless. I could hide in shopping, food, or veging. But over the past few days,,,, just watching and realizing....
I am a loving person. I don't hold grudges. I might choose to never speak to you again but I don't put it in a sack and carry it with me. Even though my co-worker does unspeakable crimes in my book, I try to enjoy her I try to exist with moments of cheer while I whittle a life out of the substance of goo I have been given.
But I seem to be the only one who - does. Meaning - People say lets meet, lets do this, lets this. I will step up, plan, do, create and unless I tie their arm, they will just slip out of it. I can plan anything fabulously and I understand some don't care nor have that knack but if you say you want to see me, and then you don't initiate - well, in my book you really don't want to see me.
If you say we should see each other, or we should really talk on the phone, but you don't initiate the call or the plan, you don't really want to.
How do you live in the world of your own reality and live in the reality others create which feels so wrong?
How do you keep your innocent love and cheer and vivaciousness? How do you rule your own reality and shape the unreal one?
Especially when you can't even muster up the life force to rule your own reality?
LOL! I just heard an owl hoot and i am in the city lol!
Here I am sitting in the dark typing this as barely any light is coming through as the sun completely fades for the day. And I feel paralyzed.
I refuse to watch tv or read another book or do something "unhealthy or lazy" and yet I can't think of what to do.
This is my today. To rise out of this funk.
To accomplish something. To connect with something.
I am alone. My ideas drive me crazy. I run from my ideas into a society who doesn't want me and I can't force myself to live in. I choose only to drink from the strongest aroma and find myself living in the most extreme of environments.
I was thinking on my way home thursday that I want to love deeply. Those strong aromas that sweep me up and toss me about and force me to grow and become a better deeper stronger person. Some last a day and some a year. But I can not trade those sweet moments for the comfort of a strong man who loves me because his lips taste like death.
I feel so strong as if I could fight the devil off of civilization with the might of my will and my soul.
And yet the more I love, the more I become strong, the more vulnerable and weak I become. My weakness and purity of passion are my strength. Emotion is my strength.
Those who said the first cut is the deepest have never allowed themselves to be vulnerable enough to feel the blade cut the familiar wound, the muscle opening so easy remembering and stretching deeper and deeper. Each cut taking on such a form that you are nothing but the cut.
How do you allow that to keep healing and still stay open with the heat of the memory so real in your cells memory. With each kiss the knowledge that it could be your last.
This has become my strength. And yet I can't translate that into my reality, my life. Until I can wield energy, creation, and action as formidably as I can wield the life of emotional love, I shall not rest.
In one kingdom I am a force to be reckoned with and in another I am the poor boy who doesn't realize only he can wield the sword in the stone. He rides himself over the guilt of not trying and dreams of pulling the sword out of the stone. He dreams of being king and being able to finally create the life he feels is right. But his inability to accept and take action, to just try keeps his feet planted in the village eyes either planted in animal filth or looking off in the distance and he swears he can almost feel the sword calling to him.
But then he closes his eyes and tells him self it is just a dream.
I feel like I am this boy and I can see this boy and I will beat this boy to an inch of his life until he realizes he is the king and he must try. He must approach the sword and accept his destiny. His life is not for the meek. He is a warrior. He is a healer.
He is a lover.
Life is his to create.
Aside note: I tend to have health problems and I always knew it was because I needed to remember how to heal myself how to manipulate energy. But I am always lazy.
I was watching a show and the person looked into the screen and said, Healers are always the sickest people lol i forget the rest.
But --- if you know better, shouldn't you do better.
I don't do better and I know better
To me this is one of the greatest sins.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
I went out today the first time I felt a warm breezy day in a while. I was just trying to recenter, bouncing around the yard, running in place, stretching and listening to some great music.
I love days like this. Just throwing my hands back, closing my eyes, face up to the sun and the breeze blowing around my face and arms. I feel home. I feel connected, listened too, even my fears of insects seems like it might be something I can conquer. I feel so strong, beautiful, in love with everything. I feel like everything thing I ever wanted to do was/is possible. I feel like charging at my fingertips.
And I get to thinking...
One thought I had today is about love. I feel as I get older in my happy moments, completely in love with myself. But when bad things or good things happen, who do you run to? who is that one person who sees you, supports you, a witness to your life, invested in you. The one person that takes your life as their life.
And I just had these thoughts about when I date or dated, I used to wrap myself in all kinds of ways to project the right kind of feeling. You always want the guy you have a crush on to be the one who loves you like no other.
But you know something is always off, sometimes it feels like too much effort, and it isn't me. It is us. It is the two person chemistry. The connection.
But then I think back. In my most perfect moment like me today standing in nature. Or me just rambling off what I think. Or me covered in paint staring at what I just put to canvas.
In that moment, a feeling overcomes you of this peace of mind, peace of character a quiet love of self.
And to meet a man that can be with you in those moments and see what you see, feel what you feel is one of the most purifying, healing, uplifting feelings in the world.
The first time I met that man, we just clicked, we couldn't stop looking at one another. It was the first time I looked at someone and got lost in the journey I saw behind them, so captivated. And he felt the same. It was so captivating his friend who worked at the coffee shop had to snap and make a scene to pull us apart.
The night ended with us sneaking onto a playground in this wooded little area and standing under the moon and still continued to stare at one another.
How nice it is to not have to say a word, to know this person saw you exactly as you are and loved it.
Loved you. When I close my eyes I still feel him in the world. I still love him. I am sure he is happy in his journey he chose.
I just want that again or even better lol!
I want to be seen for the crazy cool cat I am.
When I close my eyes and feel the wind on my face, there has to be a greater love out there for me.
Something that will spin me around and force me to be better.
I know I will never match in some ways because those lessons were learned.
But the connection of feeling and openness to sharing of what makes us vulnerable, I want that.
And I will get that! Now back to exercising these pesky pounds off!
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