Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This morning, I started watching the program Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice. I am currently not in a relationship but I like to hear what he has to say. And he started talking about serotonin, oxytocin, and testosterone. He started talking about how we process ideas, life and produce hormones. He also talked about the adrenal glands and processed foods. You know how they say love is just brain chemistry.
And it really seems right, if I look back at my past relationships and see how I process ideas and what and how bonding takes place and activities that create that experience.
I have to say it really hit home for me as I also watched the program on changing your brain chemistry, changing your life.
And it isn't about taking hormone supplements but learning how to engage and teach your body to produce the right hormones. As well as eating super foods.
This really helps me as I live in an almost constant stew of stress and realizing what the right foods, right exercise can help me build more of the good hormones and lessen the bad.
This all comes back to me as I come to work today. My boss has been off for over a week and I took off yesterday to recharge.
She bombards me today with negativity. She sends an email obviously directed at me which is in error, and she would know this if she was here. She is attacking the wrong person not my two co-workers who are the ones who are not doing what they should be.
She questioned everything I put on her desk and I worked hard with her boss and only relayed her bosses' info but no one claims responsibility so I get the I have no idea why you put this on my desk and stalks away thing.
And our biggest multimillion dollar client has a billing issue regarding a few accounts and few invoices. It involves changing them and linking them to POs of certain services. It is all a mess and she is the only one to deal with it. I handled all the questions, got all the information and wrote it up for her in baby steps, clear and concise.
She comes up to me and goes before I read this, blah blah.
1. it is her job, not mine. She knows about it, not me.
2. why when I am busy, I shouldn't do certain jobs/tasks but when she doesn't want to, I am supposed to? And not even provide training or anything.
I like her. But it isn't personal. It's business. And she isn't doing her job and the dept is crumbling and for once I am not going to scramble to keep it together. I am just going to do my best at my job and let the stuff hit the fan.
And it all reminded me, Erica you are starting to produce a hormone caused by stress, stop it. lol.
Realizing hormones, thinking, brain chemistry is all here to help or hurt you. Why learn how to use every aspect to help you lose weight and change your life.
I can't wait to watch the rest and possibly try the superfoods.
Thanks for reading. It hurts when you kill yourself for a job and literally are killing yourself, others do nothing but use work for pleasure and you are the one who is punished, abused and picked on and overly supervised when the one on facebook 8 hours a day is only praised.
From Office Space. "Thumbs up there A**es, Thumbs up there A**es."
Always makes me smile.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
My Tarot Reading - I just asked about love and just getting all my stuff righted and situated.
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Page of Swords: The essence of air behaving as earth, such as a steady wind: The approach of an unexpected challenge, to be met with clear thought and just action. A person filled with an eager appetite for all matters of mind and logic. The gathering of information through unfaltering vigilance, careful examination, and subtle spycraft. The use of reason or eloquent speech to penetrate the veil of confusion and cut to the heart of the matter.
The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. Three of Swords (Sorrow), when reversed: Unsettling news that helps you to distance yourself from a destructive relationship. Painfully honest communication that needs to take place. Not letting yourself be dragged by your emotions into a negative situation. A trust or confidence betrayed in an attempt to help someone in need. The revelation of a painful truth.
The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. Knight of Wands: The essence of fire, such a great conflagration. One filled with vitality and passion for life. A sexy and exciting person, daring in their actions, cocky in their attitude, and utterly without fear. Absolute sincerity, coupled with violent emotions that swing wildly from one extreme to another. Boundless creativity and lust for a change of both pace and place. The rapid approach, or more likely departure, of something that sets your world ablaze. Often suggests travel or escape.
The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one's good fortune.
The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.
The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. Justice: The achievement of balance and inner harmony after a great trial. Agreements, contracts, or treaties concluded justly. Things set to rights. Karma restored. A turn for the better in legal matters.
The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. The Hierophant: Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.
The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. Seven of Swords (Futility), when reversed: Being trapped in a hopeless situation and unable to withdraw. A feat of daring that is too much for you to handle. Being caught in the middle of a desperate act of cunning or outright deception.
I feel like the last card is where I have been at for a while, but I feel stronger that I can finally get some resolution.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Man weekends suck. I feel like I just got up this morning and BAM! It is 5 and I will lose an hour shortly when I move my clock forward. We really should just stick with a time.
I feel slightly lost. I had an infusion of joy and wonder last weekend with the glorious weather. The week, the lack of sun and now lovely torrential wind and rain, I feel cast adrift.
I finished 3 books and watched some tv and rested. But now I feel restless. I could hide in shopping, food, or veging. But over the past few days,,,, just watching and realizing....
I am a loving person. I don't hold grudges. I might choose to never speak to you again but I don't put it in a sack and carry it with me. Even though my co-worker does unspeakable crimes in my book, I try to enjoy her I try to exist with moments of cheer while I whittle a life out of the substance of goo I have been given.
But I seem to be the only one who - does. Meaning - People say lets meet, lets do this, lets this. I will step up, plan, do, create and unless I tie their arm, they will just slip out of it. I can plan anything fabulously and I understand some don't care nor have that knack but if you say you want to see me, and then you don't initiate - well, in my book you really don't want to see me.
If you say we should see each other, or we should really talk on the phone, but you don't initiate the call or the plan, you don't really want to.
How do you live in the world of your own reality and live in the reality others create which feels so wrong?
How do you keep your innocent love and cheer and vivaciousness? How do you rule your own reality and shape the unreal one?
Especially when you can't even muster up the life force to rule your own reality?
LOL! I just heard an owl hoot and i am in the city lol!
Here I am sitting in the dark typing this as barely any light is coming through as the sun completely fades for the day. And I feel paralyzed.
I refuse to watch tv or read another book or do something "unhealthy or lazy" and yet I can't think of what to do.
This is my today. To rise out of this funk.
To accomplish something. To connect with something.
I am alone. My ideas drive me crazy. I run from my ideas into a society who doesn't want me and I can't force myself to live in. I choose only to drink from the strongest aroma and find myself living in the most extreme of environments.
I was thinking on my way home thursday that I want to love deeply. Those strong aromas that sweep me up and toss me about and force me to grow and become a better deeper stronger person. Some last a day and some a year. But I can not trade those sweet moments for the comfort of a strong man who loves me because his lips taste like death.
I feel so strong as if I could fight the devil off of civilization with the might of my will and my soul.
And yet the more I love, the more I become strong, the more vulnerable and weak I become. My weakness and purity of passion are my strength. Emotion is my strength.
Those who said the first cut is the deepest have never allowed themselves to be vulnerable enough to feel the blade cut the familiar wound, the muscle opening so easy remembering and stretching deeper and deeper. Each cut taking on such a form that you are nothing but the cut.
How do you allow that to keep healing and still stay open with the heat of the memory so real in your cells memory. With each kiss the knowledge that it could be your last.
This has become my strength. And yet I can't translate that into my reality, my life. Until I can wield energy, creation, and action as formidably as I can wield the life of emotional love, I shall not rest.
In one kingdom I am a force to be reckoned with and in another I am the poor boy who doesn't realize only he can wield the sword in the stone. He rides himself over the guilt of not trying and dreams of pulling the sword out of the stone. He dreams of being king and being able to finally create the life he feels is right. But his inability to accept and take action, to just try keeps his feet planted in the village eyes either planted in animal filth or looking off in the distance and he swears he can almost feel the sword calling to him.
But then he closes his eyes and tells him self it is just a dream.
I feel like I am this boy and I can see this boy and I will beat this boy to an inch of his life until he realizes he is the king and he must try. He must approach the sword and accept his destiny. His life is not for the meek. He is a warrior. He is a healer.
He is a lover.
Life is his to create.
Aside note: I tend to have health problems and I always knew it was because I needed to remember how to heal myself how to manipulate energy. But I am always lazy.
I was watching a show and the person looked into the screen and said, Healers are always the sickest people lol i forget the rest.
But --- if you know better, shouldn't you do better.
I don't do better and I know better
To me this is one of the greatest sins.
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