Saturday, March 06, 2010
I went out today the first time I felt a warm breezy day in a while. I was just trying to recenter, bouncing around the yard, running in place, stretching and listening to some great music.
I love days like this. Just throwing my hands back, closing my eyes, face up to the sun and the breeze blowing around my face and arms. I feel home. I feel connected, listened too, even my fears of insects seems like it might be something I can conquer. I feel so strong, beautiful, in love with everything. I feel like everything thing I ever wanted to do was/is possible. I feel like charging at my fingertips.
And I get to thinking...
One thought I had today is about love. I feel as I get older in my happy moments, completely in love with myself. But when bad things or good things happen, who do you run to? who is that one person who sees you, supports you, a witness to your life, invested in you. The one person that takes your life as their life.
And I just had these thoughts about when I date or dated, I used to wrap myself in all kinds of ways to project the right kind of feeling. You always want the guy you have a crush on to be the one who loves you like no other.
But you know something is always off, sometimes it feels like too much effort, and it isn't me. It is us. It is the two person chemistry. The connection.
But then I think back. In my most perfect moment like me today standing in nature. Or me just rambling off what I think. Or me covered in paint staring at what I just put to canvas.
In that moment, a feeling overcomes you of this peace of mind, peace of character a quiet love of self.
And to meet a man that can be with you in those moments and see what you see, feel what you feel is one of the most purifying, healing, uplifting feelings in the world.
The first time I met that man, we just clicked, we couldn't stop looking at one another. It was the first time I looked at someone and got lost in the journey I saw behind them, so captivated. And he felt the same. It was so captivating his friend who worked at the coffee shop had to snap and make a scene to pull us apart.
The night ended with us sneaking onto a playground in this wooded little area and standing under the moon and still continued to stare at one another.
How nice it is to not have to say a word, to know this person saw you exactly as you are and loved it.
Loved you. When I close my eyes I still feel him in the world. I still love him. I am sure he is happy in his journey he chose.
I just want that again or even better lol!
I want to be seen for the crazy cool cat I am.
When I close my eyes and feel the wind on my face, there has to be a greater love out there for me.
Something that will spin me around and force me to be better.
I know I will never match in some ways because those lessons were learned.
But the connection of feeling and openness to sharing of what makes us vulnerable, I want that.
And I will get that! Now back to exercising these pesky pounds off!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I don't know about you but I seem to really excel when I know there are other people out there pushing towards their goals. If I am collectively working with other people and I feel like they are doing it, I have to as well. And when the munchies come or sad moments, I feel stronger because I won't let my team down. I won't be that person. But when it comes to just not letting me down, I slip, I am such a great talking myself out of being good, or talking myself into being bad, especially once the snowball gets going.
So I am looking for some people who are interested in changing one or more things in their life and want to be held accountable. They don't want to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results.
They want to fight, they want to succeed, they want the support and interest from others. I will be interested and vested in you if you will be interested and vested in me.
Let's join together and not let one another slip or give excuses, lets support, encourage and force each other to make the right decisions, so we can be - so we can finally learn to make the right choices and learn to hold ourselves accountable for the sake and love of ourselves.
Let's practice accountability and stop the MADNESS! lol remember susan powter? lol..
The group I started is Being Accountable or Bust. It is about the only choice is to be accountable. Are you ready to finally step up and hold yourself to it?? Come join me.
I found in my busy life, I love all my groups and all my friends but it is hard to watch them all, participate in them all, all the time.
So in creating an accountability group it is a place to keep the group of people who need me most and who I need most. The only on-going requirement of the group is to check in and update with progress. The only life requirement is to progress.
In the beginning, I thought it would be good to make every member create a commitment letter, a list of goals. I thought the occasional progress report is good to keep everyone abreast of your progress. But the goal is to check in with the group everyday.
The idea is that if you have to check in and mention a goal, a progress, a hardship, something you need support on, etc, you each day are addressing change in your life and you know you will have to update us the next day so the goal is to create a system of involvement and community and a real sense of accountability.
I think there should be some consequence for not checking in but I haven't gotten that far yet. Maybe other members will have some good ideas.
Since the group is a private group to only attract members who really would like to be kicked in the butt, I created a webpage just to give the details of the group. I thought it would be a good way to express the goals, guidelines and expectations for the group.
If you are interested, please send me a sparkmail and we can journey together.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it." - Anonymous
So it has been 90 days since I happened onto Sparkpeople. It seems the more I try to organize, change and better myself. The harder the lessons and the stronger the tests. It would be hard enough to change and lose weight with love, support, etc.
I am left overwhelmed, lost and without a knowing of what to do next.
I have often felt a certain constant knowing of who I am and where I should head and what I should be doing. But I have lost that.
I don't know if it is being almost 32 and not having anything to show for it.
I feel like I did when my ex left me. Empty and hallow inside. As if I breathe to deeply, I will slip away into the vacuum and void. At least food has lost its weight with me.
I don't wish to go into the particulars but I find myself almost 32 with bad credit, living with my parents, no children, no love interests, no physical and close support, I work to the bone for a job that keeps me going but steals my soul, I have lost my faith in my creativity and the path I might have in this world.
I keep trying to organize, rearrange, change, move things into perspective and ...
And each time something else happens... I started praying and writing letters to guardian angels and it got worse. As if life is telling me oh you want help, well the only way to help you is to make you go through hell.
So I stand here with nothing. Nothing but the thoughts in my head and the pain in my heart. Nothing but 1 realization.
I have accepted that I probably won't have another boyfriend or man in my life.
It has nothing to do with anything except when I leave this earth, where am I going to go and what do I want to take with me.
It is hard to even express these thoughts, the lonliness is palpable. Almost like the lonliness has become an entity of its own.
I say all of this as a good bye and a hello.
From this point forward, from Valentine's day forward, it is time to stop acting and reacting from emotion. It is about doing what needs to be done to get past the lessons I came here to live in this life.
I need to make my body a temple of life love and passion.
I need to be healthy and capable.
I need to start sharing my "Art" in all its forms.
The universe wants to exact a challenge on me. I will walk with as much passion and purpose as I can. I know not where I go any longer.
But from this day forward, I will chose a better life for myself.
I know not where I am going, but I do know the end.
Monday, February 01, 2010
I tend to keep all of my friends separate. I have noticed that when my friends get together, they don't like each other, even when I think they would. I mean they both like me.
I always seem to separate my friends. Some friends I babble my problems too, others I talk about my ideals, others I watch romantic comedies, others I watch scary movies, some I listen to music with and others I go dancing with, some friends I talk about religion, others politics.
As I get older, I feel like I want to show all of me all of the time. So I try to go with the flow and share to the best of my ability. Sometimes it is okay and other times I get shot down.
I do find myself observing the mood of a conversation and deciding how much to share.
I have been trying to share with my friends about sparkpeople.com. One who is trying to get pregnant and has health issues and support issues NEEDS THIS SITE. She won't listen or budge and looks at me like I am a child.
I barely mention it but sometimes I try. Well, I was sharing with them my journey and the two of them snickered and stated, "Yeah we discussed that prior to your coming. Uncle Sam joined and they won't stop harassing him." And their tone was such of scorn and almost like I was in a cult that I couldn't even continue.
I wanted to ask why their concern and really discuss it and I tried to say well maybe he signed up for newsletter's he can just opt out. They shushed me as a cult member attempted to persuade them with words.
Now, I know the one girl for 16 years and she was the one who made me feel like the most disgusting person when I lost 50 lbs the first time. And I tried to mention I lost 12 pounds and she looked at me like oh yeah where scanning me as if I lost my mind.
I feel like I saved at least my dignity in that moment but it just even further showed me how different my different friends are.
I don't think I should throw away friendships that do provide me with something. But I don't think I should maintain friendships that provide nothing. I don't think I should maintain friendships that suck and drain instead of support and inspire. I mean we all go through moments were we suck and drain and cry for help. But we usually provide an equal amount of support along the line somewhere.
So as I sat with these friends over the weekend, I really looked at them. It is sad that I know when I lose weight I will suffer some digs at their expense.
I am not sure what I will do at that moment. I am not sure how I will handle that.
But I will enjoy life.
I refuse to allow another's opinion guide my own opinion of myself.
I heard RuPaul get upset at a drag queen mentioning how the judges were hurtful. RuPaul gave a passionate speech how the more criticism you endure, the shorter the time you need to bounce back before you realize that criticism is just another's opinion. Take what you can use and disregard the rest. You are fierce, honey.
You are fierce.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am listening to the Atlas Shrugged audiobook. I have read this book a few times and I love to listen to it. It keeps me thinking about passion, purpose and being a person of ethics and of sound mind which of course helps when you are faced with a eating a 12 inch hoagie in the dark closet.
In the book, it gives you the feeling of people understanding what their work means to them, what life, laughter and enjoyment means. To really live and live by a set of purposeful and passionate principles. It is something that speaks to me because I always find myself living by a set of beliefs that are usually opposite to the world I live in.
The world I live in operates in chaos, laziness, let someone else do it, who cares, why me, why focus on me if I can meddle with you etc kind of mentality. I do my best to bring my own brand of working hard, loving both objectively and subjectively, seeing both objectively and subjectively and really trying to live, understand and experience the world around me.
So Atlas Shrugged means the world to me. It reminds me that I am a viable and strong person full of passion and purpose and I can make the world mine and create.
It settles the demon voices and allows my inner self to rise and take over and think clearly through the day.
So while driving home yesterday, I had a thought.
What if I drove to work listening to Atlas Shrugged and the career I was going to actually inspired the same feeling as Atlas Shrugged did. Strong, purposeful, intelligent, active, etc. And I allowed myself to feel what it would feel like.
Than I thought what if I was driving home from work, and I went into a house to a relationship that inspired the same types of feelings. And I allowed myself to feel what it would feel like.
I have to hold on to that notion. To what I stand for.
I have been blind and scared and whatever else you want to call it.
But I can't keep saying one thing and living another. It is something I feel is my purpose in life, to live the principles I believe in, to do what I believe in, to not hide, to build the character that doing creates.
If I can't do this, ... I must do this. This is all there is. For me.
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