Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am working out some issues.
I am trying to stop turning to TV for comfort. For the most part I have stopped turning to food. That come to think of it is a really good thing. One of my biggest. If I do eat in front of the tv, for the most part it is controlled and not from a lost despair place.
I have a ton of great books and read a 440 pg book in like 9 or so hours. So I am trying to turn back to books. And not just hide in them but use them for inspiration to write myself or just be better, do better, have better.
I love to come home from the grind and just relax. But I shouldn't as I have exercise and life fundamentals to work on, and chores. I know the more I do the more energy I will have. I just have to push that point of least amount of energy right before the explosion of new found energy.
So just turning to a book or doing a few chores and then a book, flips my normal habit.
For the past few days, I have been rethinking my schedule. I know I WANT TO BE THIS GREAT ERICA. But maybe even though GREAT ERICA schedule is one way. I still need to get there and I keep waking up and saying okay I am going to do all of this. Sometimes I can, most I can't.
I find lists, tasks and keeping your mind on what you should be doing is the right way.
I also find that listening to yourself is the strongest ally you have. It isn't about lists so much as listening to what you are saying to yourself.
If your inner self, the you that truly feels what your life should be like, says one thing, but you do another. That is a problem.
One thing a spiritual teacher told me is every night, go in front of a mirror with a candle. Say some prayers, think of what you want in life, listen to music, do something very you. And then look in your eyes and start talking to yourself.
Start out with things like I want.. I feel.. etc. And listen. You will hear your negative thoughts talk back to you.
Like if you say. I am a great and loving person and I deserve _______.
You might hear, "No." or "You don't."
When you say something, argue back in a loving way. Do it until you no longer hear the negative retort but feel good after each statement.
Keep talking to yourself as long as possible. If you can make it through one negative statement, try another.
It might take days of attempts just to work on one negative statement, that is okay. Do what you can and always journal after, reinforcing the positive statement about yourself.
So I find, if I LISTEN to myself. During the day, instead of doing anything bad, I first listen. Argue back lovingly if I have to, go to a mirror or just close my eyes and pray to the good in me, to the right, for help to really listen to me.
To the me I want to be.
It all seems to melt away if I listen to myself.
Plans, Tasks, Daily Discipline is good.
But knowing how to read yourself and then listen to it
and then follow through is the strongest way to build character, break the bonds of unhealthy habits and become your true and strong ally.
Then. I turn to the scale. We will meet again.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I have so many different feelings about this 74 day journey so far.
I really want to make this last 15 days great. I haven't spent the last 30 days wowing myself with new healthy habits. I have spent the new year struggling to organize my work and finally last week and this week I am actually feeling the sigh and clarity of having an organized and clean desk and area.
I want to run with this. I want to really DO everything I say I want to do.
I want to be that person I feel inside.
I have been trying to read instead of watch TV and keep my energy up and after an intense work day.
I feel like my time is now and I have to figure out a way to bring this all together.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I was trying to wait for a clear break from this mindset to blog.
As I have been spiraling down experiencing an unusual amount of malice from the people around me. I have just been mulling things back in my head, trying to hide from them and relax, trying to reconcile something inside of myself.
Obviously if it was just working out, I would look awesome because I love to actually exercise. I long for the blood to pump. But predominantly for the past year I have become an immovable vegetable. I can feel my energy flow and turn on itself, I can feel the distress and confusion building my mentality.
Sure, I do have a few obstacles that can break people. But other things I have many would give their right arm for.
I know the things to do and I know the right things to say to myself.
I just ... sitting here having eaten (ooh I didn't even log yet it is that scary) soda and pringle crumbs surround me. When does the buck stop?
When is rock bottom? When will enough be enough? When will I be enough?
What is going on deeper -- internally - to keep me flipping and falling back into this cycle?
The first week when I felt like the universe was on my side - I couldn't believe my luck.
The second week when the universe felt like it was just out to get me. I allowed it to completely affect me. How do you stand up when the pressure is on. That is where my lesson is at. That is where I need to stand.
I love sparkpeople and without all of you, I wouldn't be able to attempt this and actually for the first time feel like I have a shot.
But offline, in my day, I am alone. When the pressure gets tough and the immediate influence around me is negative and attacking me --
This is where I need to be able to stand up, and consistently make the right choice.
I keep mulling over a saying I heard years ago, Only 20% of daily tasks will lead you to the right future, the future you want.
And I keep analyzing my days.
If you think about where your future is and what you want it to feel like, be like...
What do you need to do today to have that future?
What steps can you make today?
I am a firm believer that if we put our heart in what we truly want and take those steps, the universe will take care of the details and magick.
And when you break down everything you could do in a day, it does roughly match that only 20% of your tasks do actually lead to the future you dream of.
The rest lead to where I am right now or worse or similarly bad.
And guess what when you look at my day, I just don't do anything in that 20%.
I do the immediate, crisis, in my face tasks so I am basically running around in circles trying to blow out the next fire. No wonder my asthma got worse.
I have gotten to be a fantastic crisis management person. I think that fuels my need to stay that way... To prove my worth, to have people watch me shine when I can fulfill before people ask for it. I sense a smoldering fire somewhere, put it out and hand the person the papers with only a tad of singe. Wouldn't it be fabulous to be the type of person who could sense a need and pull it neatly out of a already completed filing cabinet confidently walking into the bosses office with not even a bead of sweat.
And I get frustrated that I am not allowed the time to become that person. Even if I work 20 hours unpaid overtime, it always seems to be a crisis averted. All of my positivity is sucked out of me by the time I am through with this negative day at the office.
All I see are lies, facades, anger, manipulation. I keep trying to see a better side to fight for a better side.
And now my new co-worker she is the height of everything i hate in a co-worker. my intensity and care for the job. Her nonchalance and whatever attitude. And the president loathes me and loves her.
I want passion, purpose, John Galt, Frisco, Howard Roark, Tyler Durden..
Give me something real. Give me something meaningful.
Give me your soul and I will light it on fire.
If only I could ease my pain by peeing in some coffee.
I was thinking about my blog for today and all I could hear is...
"Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
Narrator: I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
Narrator: I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Tyler Durden: Not good enough."
I love that movie. I love to watch that scene where he lets go and the music in the background, the car swerving and you can hear the road, and it feels so ...
"Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "
I have been thinking recently about a Erica bootcamp. I know I belong to bootcamps and I love everything and everyone and I want to try so many things I get off track. I lose focus.
But I need to focus on a Erica Bootcamp composed of daily tasks that make up the 20%. What are the things I can do today, that will lead me to the life I want no matter what. Those I will do as my priority.
Well..... I tried that for two weeks and I still don't do it. I know it is sick but wouldn't be it interesting if someone came up to you and said "in a few months if you weren't on your way to being the person you want to be, they would hurt you.
I am wasting such awesome experience and time in this world on escaping it. I fear pain. I fear loss and abandonment. I fear an unending existence of bleakness.
I keep hearing Tyler's voice in my head -"First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*.."
I have to grow a set of balls, connect with the hunter, survivalist, idea person inside of me and create and just do it. I am so tired, so tired that all I can do is dismantle, deconstruct and destroy to find the courage to live a true life.
I am not these habits I have taken on. I am not these negative thoughts. They once might have served me purpose but now.
Now it is time to back every idea I said I had.
Now is the time to be everything I said I would be.
Now is the time to stand up or shut up.
And shutting up is not an option.
My mom makes her own soap and I often think of Fight Club and make funny remarks as we are making a batch.
I want to hold on to the Raymond K. Hessel idea, the idea of "slide", the idea of giving up trying to improve my self and just be.
If nothing makes me happy, I can at least dedicate my life, my struggle, my realizations to those people who are "in it", who care, who long, who need.
I dedicate my life to the best in people. To the John Galts, the Howard Roarks, the Dagny's, Friscos. I can't do anything really well. But I can make my life a masterpiece that I can be proud of.
"Tyler Durden: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
Quotes from Fight Club.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Ever see Splash, where the guy who is trying to prove that Darryl Hannah is a mermaid, keeps getting hurt. Finally toward the end he is in a cast and then falls down an open stairs on the street. And you just hear him yell, "What a week I am having!"
I love that part. Often during bad days or weeks, I think of this fondly.
This is not one of those weeks. I still feel keyed up and on edge but I am trying to let it go. I feel like last week I made such strides and this week is the exact opposite - personified.
I can't even begin to mention the things that have happened, things people have said.
So I tried to muster up and let all this crap go with this week.
I told my co-worker look, we got the VP's car back, the mail is here!
This week is turning around. So the mailman comes and literally throws the mail at me.
My co-worker has been rubbing her thinness in front of me all week.
Today even going to the point of stating she is going on an all starch diet.
So she could gain some weight since she is so skinny.
WHAT? Because honey please she is good. She is not too skinny and she is not overweight - get over yourself.
I definitely have to do some work this weekend so I can find a way to bring this around.
I know it might sound CRAZY but I feel like something landed on me Monday morning and it is sitting on me, I am walking around with it.
I have to find a way to exorcise this thought, idea, monkey or whatever it is.
to this week!
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