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DEVOTEEOFISET's Recent Blog Entries

Excuses, Plans, the Scale - Oh MY!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am working out some issues.

I am trying to stop turning to TV for comfort. For the most part I have stopped turning to food. That come to think of it is a really good thing. One of my biggest. If I do eat in front of the tv, for the most part it is controlled and not from a lost despair place.

I have a ton of great books and read a 440 pg book in like 9 or so hours. So I am trying to turn back to books. And not just hide in them but use them for inspiration to write myself or just be better, do better, have better.

I love to come home from the grind and just relax. But I shouldn't as I have exercise and life fundamentals to work on, and chores. I know the more I do the more energy I will have. I just have to push that point of least amount of energy right before the explosion of new found energy.

So just turning to a book or doing a few chores and then a book, flips my normal habit.

For the past few days, I have been rethinking my schedule. I know I WANT TO BE THIS GREAT ERICA. But maybe even though GREAT ERICA schedule is one way. I still need to get there and I keep waking up and saying okay I am going to do all of this. Sometimes I can, most I can't.

I find lists, tasks and keeping your mind on what you should be doing is the right way.

I also find that listening to yourself is the strongest ally you have. It isn't about lists so much as listening to what you are saying to yourself.
If your inner self, the you that truly feels what your life should be like, says one thing, but you do another. That is a problem.

One thing a spiritual teacher told me is every night, go in front of a mirror with a candle. Say some prayers, think of what you want in life, listen to music, do something very you. And then look in your eyes and start talking to yourself.

Start out with things like I want.. I feel.. etc. And listen. You will hear your negative thoughts talk back to you.

Like if you say. I am a great and loving person and I deserve _______.
You might hear, "No." or "You don't."

When you say something, argue back in a loving way. Do it until you no longer hear the negative retort but feel good after each statement.

Keep talking to yourself as long as possible. If you can make it through one negative statement, try another.

It might take days of attempts just to work on one negative statement, that is okay. Do what you can and always journal after, reinforcing the positive statement about yourself.

So I find, if I LISTEN to myself. During the day, instead of doing anything bad, I first listen. Argue back lovingly if I have to, go to a mirror or just close my eyes and pray to the good in me, to the right, for help to really listen to me.

To the me I want to be.

It all seems to melt away if I listen to myself.

Plans, Tasks, Daily Discipline is good.
But knowing how to read yourself and then listen to it
and then follow through is the strongest way to build character, break the bonds of unhealthy habits and become your true and strong ally.

Then. I turn to the scale. We will meet again.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PLAYBLUES22 1/27/2010 9:28AM

    What a great blog !!!! emoticon

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KKATZE 1/27/2010 9:13AM

    Great blog! Will start talking to myself in the mirror - lol :)
Congrats on your success so far! emoticon

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15 Days to 90 Days on SparkPeople

Monday, January 25, 2010

I have so many different feelings about this 74 day journey so far.
I really want to make this last 15 days great. I haven't spent the last 30 days wowing myself with new healthy habits. I have spent the new year struggling to organize my work and finally last week and this week I am actually feeling the sigh and clarity of having an organized and clean desk and area.

I want to run with this. I want to really DO everything I say I want to do.
I want to be that person I feel inside.

I have been trying to read instead of watch TV and keep my energy up and after an intense work day.

I feel like my time is now and I have to figure out a way to bring this all together.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QUIDDITCHGRRL 1/25/2010 9:45PM

    Yay! It is your time! :)

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BABYSTEP1 1/25/2010 9:39PM

    very good. emoticon

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Taking a break

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I am coming to realize the farther you move into the light and positive growth, the more intense the darkness seems because it is fighting so hard to keep the ground it has. It doesn't want change or to lose its power over me.

More and more I realize the only power it has is what I give it.

I left work early practically sick over the unhealthy eating and unable to find a way to cope and overcome this.

It feels good to cut out early one day. It feels like you do have control over your life and you are not just a puppet to serve as the means to another's end.

I am hoping this will give me the strength to ride this wave and come out even better.

I have a plan and a good mental outlook.

Thanks to all my spark friends who have kept me sane!

Satchel from Get Fuzzy helps me to keep my serious side laughing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QUIDDITCHGRRL 1/20/2010 9:01PM

    I'm definitely too pretty to work! :D

Keep your eye on the ultimate goals in your life by living one moment at a time.

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XENAMY 1/20/2010 8:18PM

  Recenter, recenter, recenter. I'm glad you took off early. It's a journey, not without peaks and valleys... you just have to get through the valleys and keep going.

I'm with you. Check transformity.

Love you!

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BELABEAN 1/20/2010 7:11PM

    Great post! Great job taking control. On a side note, I love Get Fuzzy too. emoticon

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Drowning... (This is long and my descent into ...)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I was trying to wait for a clear break from this mindset to blog.

As I have been spiraling down experiencing an unusual amount of malice from the people around me. I have just been mulling things back in my head, trying to hide from them and relax, trying to reconcile something inside of myself.

Obviously if it was just working out, I would look awesome because I love to actually exercise. I long for the blood to pump. But predominantly for the past year I have become an immovable vegetable. I can feel my energy flow and turn on itself, I can feel the distress and confusion building my mentality.

Sure, I do have a few obstacles that can break people. But other things I have many would give their right arm for.

I know the things to do and I know the right things to say to myself.

I just ... sitting here having eaten (ooh I didn't even log yet it is that scary) soda and pringle crumbs surround me. When does the buck stop?
When is rock bottom? When will enough be enough? When will I be enough?

What is going on deeper -- internally - to keep me flipping and falling back into this cycle?

The first week when I felt like the universe was on my side - I couldn't believe my luck.

The second week when the universe felt like it was just out to get me. I allowed it to completely affect me. How do you stand up when the pressure is on. That is where my lesson is at. That is where I need to stand.

I love sparkpeople and without all of you, I wouldn't be able to attempt this and actually for the first time feel like I have a shot.

But offline, in my day, I am alone. When the pressure gets tough and the immediate influence around me is negative and attacking me --

This is where I need to be able to stand up, and consistently make the right choice.

I keep mulling over a saying I heard years ago, Only 20% of daily tasks will lead you to the right future, the future you want.

And I keep analyzing my days.

If you think about where your future is and what you want it to feel like, be like...

What do you need to do today to have that future?
What steps can you make today?

I am a firm believer that if we put our heart in what we truly want and take those steps, the universe will take care of the details and magick.

And when you break down everything you could do in a day, it does roughly match that only 20% of your tasks do actually lead to the future you dream of.

The rest lead to where I am right now or worse or similarly bad.

And guess what when you look at my day, I just don't do anything in that 20%.

I do the immediate, crisis, in my face tasks so I am basically running around in circles trying to blow out the next fire. No wonder my asthma got worse.

I have gotten to be a fantastic crisis management person. I think that fuels my need to stay that way... To prove my worth, to have people watch me shine when I can fulfill before people ask for it. I sense a smoldering fire somewhere, put it out and hand the person the papers with only a tad of singe. Wouldn't it be fabulous to be the type of person who could sense a need and pull it neatly out of a already completed filing cabinet confidently walking into the bosses office with not even a bead of sweat.

And I get frustrated that I am not allowed the time to become that person. Even if I work 20 hours unpaid overtime, it always seems to be a crisis averted. All of my positivity is sucked out of me by the time I am through with this negative day at the office.

All I see are lies, facades, anger, manipulation. I keep trying to see a better side to fight for a better side.

And now my new co-worker she is the height of everything i hate in a co-worker. my intensity and care for the job. Her nonchalance and whatever attitude. And the president loathes me and loves her.

I want passion, purpose, John Galt, Frisco, Howard Roark, Tyler Durden..
Give me something real. Give me something meaningful.
Give me your soul and I will light it on fire.

If only I could ease my pain by peeing in some coffee.

I was thinking about my blog for today and all I could hear is...

"Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
Narrator: I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
Narrator: I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Tyler Durden: Not good enough."

I love that movie. I love to watch that scene where he lets go and the music in the background, the car swerving and you can hear the road, and it feels so ...

"Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "

I have been thinking recently about a Erica bootcamp. I know I belong to bootcamps and I love everything and everyone and I want to try so many things I get off track. I lose focus.

But I need to focus on a Erica Bootcamp composed of daily tasks that make up the 20%. What are the things I can do today, that will lead me to the life I want no matter what. Those I will do as my priority.

Well..... I tried that for two weeks and I still don't do it. I know it is sick but wouldn't be it interesting if someone came up to you and said "in a few months if you weren't on your way to being the person you want to be, they would hurt you.

I am wasting such awesome experience and time in this world on escaping it. I fear pain. I fear loss and abandonment. I fear an unending existence of bleakness.

I keep hearing Tyler's voice in my head -"First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*.."

I have to grow a set of balls, connect with the hunter, survivalist, idea person inside of me and create and just do it. I am so tired, so tired that all I can do is dismantle, deconstruct and destroy to find the courage to live a true life.

I am not these habits I have taken on. I am not these negative thoughts. They once might have served me purpose but now.

Now it is time to back every idea I said I had.
Now is the time to be everything I said I would be.
Now is the time to stand up or shut up.

And shutting up is not an option.

My mom makes her own soap and I often think of Fight Club and make funny remarks as we are making a batch.

I want to hold on to the Raymond K. Hessel idea, the idea of "slide", the idea of giving up trying to improve my self and just be.

If nothing makes me happy, I can at least dedicate my life, my struggle, my realizations to those people who are "in it", who care, who long, who need.

I dedicate my life to the best in people. To the John Galts, the Howard Roarks, the Dagny's, Friscos. I can't do anything really well. But I can make my life a masterpiece that I can be proud of.

"Tyler Durden: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."

Quotes from Fight Club.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARTHA116 1/18/2010 10:27AM

    I understand the spiral and next will come the anger that comes because you can't seem to pull yourself off this merry-go-round. You have made references to movies which means you have some what lost your own identity so you search meaning in what ever you can process in your mind at this moment. You are drowning in a lack of inspiration that fails to come from within. I can not tell you what will trigger you to come out of this (for me it was rain) but you will so long as you continue to function. Once you come out of this don't look back until you know you can safely look back upon it as a reference to a certain time of your life.

By the way, Pringles are yummy.

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BIGGIRL2082010 1/18/2010 4:51AM

    As a survivor of many of those same self-talks you're currently giving yourself, I can only say that sometimes I simply have to start with what is, stop analysing, figure out *something* that makes me happy, and get moving to get more of that something in my life. So far, it's working. :)

You can definitely do something to pull out of the funk - what you do is up to you! Get up and get fighting! :)


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QUIDDITCHGRRL 1/17/2010 8:38PM

    I think KATELOSS2009 said much of what I was thinking while reading your post.

It's all about the doing. That 20%? It HAS to be things that make you happy and open the door for growth. Who you are ultimately must return to your vision, not the reflection you get from the people around you (which is by and large skewed by their own biases).

Hopefully you know that the entire Spark community, and especially those you've chosen to associate yourself with are rooting for your success 24/7.

Good luck, and isn't this a great place to vent? ;)

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BUSYMOM22 1/17/2010 8:02PM

    I agree with the previous poster. Do something that helps others. Even if it's something as simple as walking a neighbors dog. Put some good karma out in the world. :)

You CAN do this. YOU CAN!

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KATELOSS2009 1/17/2010 6:47PM

    man, that was a great read...

to address the main issue I see here, I would say that you had to go through the universe "being against you" to reach THIS place, this place of standing up and saying, THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT.

this is a wonderful place to be. ;-)

this is a place of self-evaluation and possibility, of exploration and beginning.

you may have been in a similar place before, but in THIS place, you can look back and say, I'M NOT GOING TO JUST SIT HERE THIS TIME.

dust off the pringles crumbs, throw the can away, and drink 8 ounces of cool water. then DO SOMETHING. take a walk outside, take a bubble bath, make out your grocery list, or make a list of things you want to do (reorganize a room or make a doctor's appointment or get your car detailed - whatever). do something creative FOR YOURSELF, even if it's just putting on a different color eye shadow than you normally wear.


for today, YOU are the fire that needs putting out. focus on YOU today.

if you find yourself in exactly your current circumstances in a year's time, how will you feel?

DO SOMETHING to change that.

take a Red Cross course, become a CERT member or start volunteering at a local hospital. do something that's not at all related to your current job skills. get yourself OUT of the box.

and for the daily feeling of being alone, pick a bracelet or necklace that you can wear every day and know that every time you look at it, you'll remember that we're all rooting for you. we're in this together.


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What? - "What a week I am having!"

Friday, January 15, 2010

Ever see Splash, where the guy who is trying to prove that Darryl Hannah is a mermaid, keeps getting hurt. Finally toward the end he is in a cast and then falls down an open stairs on the street. And you just hear him yell, "What a week I am having!"

I love that part. Often during bad days or weeks, I think of this fondly.

This is not one of those weeks. I still feel keyed up and on edge but I am trying to let it go. I feel like last week I made such strides and this week is the exact opposite - personified.

I can't even begin to mention the things that have happened, things people have said.

So I tried to muster up and let all this crap go with this week.
I told my co-worker look, we got the VP's car back, the mail is here!
This week is turning around. So the mailman comes and literally throws the mail at me.

My co-worker has been rubbing her thinness in front of me all week.
Today even going to the point of stating she is going on an all starch diet.
So she could gain some weight since she is so skinny.

WHAT? Because honey please she is good. She is not too skinny and she is not overweight - get over yourself.

I definitely have to do some work this weekend so I can find a way to bring this around.

I know it might sound CRAZY but I feel like something landed on me Monday morning and it is sitting on me, I am walking around with it.
I have to find a way to exorcise this thought, idea, monkey or whatever it is.

emoticon to this week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEVOTEEOFISET 1/18/2010 4:40PM

    I love that! Computer! End Program!

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--KREN 1/16/2010 7:39AM

    At times like these, we Star Trek fans like to say - COMPUTER! END PROGRAM! lol Karen

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STRINGS58 1/15/2010 9:11PM

    I think your co-worker sounds mean. Just a plain ol' meany. She doesn't seem to have the skills to see things from someone else's perspective -- to her loss! Don't let her energy contaminate yours, and get some good decontamination skills for those days when it's unavoidable! When you reach your goal you'll have something she never had as a skinny girl: a good character!
emoticon emoticon

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KATELOSS2009 1/15/2010 2:09PM

    I agree with REBEKAHDEMENTIA - how self-centered is your co-worker!!! some people don't realize just how mean their words are.

I'm glad you're not going to let it get to you - use that FIERCE FIGHT that you feel and make this week actually work to your advantage!


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  Glad you're not letting all these things bring you down too much, this is not the first I've head of this, this week. Something in the air I think, hope it passes soon!


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RUSTYSHAW1 1/15/2010 1:29PM

    Happened upon your blog post. Ended up reading just about all your blogs. They were very uplifting and since I am down in the dumps all your thoughts were just the right 'medicine'. I also can see many other spark members find your thoughts to be very helpful. Please keep blogging. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Your coworker sounds completely self involved. I wouldn't let her get to you, chances are she's not happy with her own body image and finds comfort is picking on other people like a child. As for the mail man throwing the mail at you... if he does it all the time tell him off for it... if it was a one off maybe he was having a crappy day and didn't realize he did it?

That's a great quote to look at when you're having a bad day. My favorite is... " Bad news comes don't even worry when it lands, good news will work it's way in all them plans." It's from a modest mouse song called float on. Helps me out every time bad news starts coming.

Good luck to you! emoticon

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