Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Life cycles... My cycles...
I seem to get stuck into a depressed state of mind. Then I muddle my way to the tunnel of light. I get inspired and surge forward. After a few days or week or so of inspired joy and thinking, I come down and I realize life is just life. It is just another day. The stress, expectations and responsibilities start to push back and I can't seem to keep everything going.
I am trying to break this cycle. I was doing really well until Monday morning. I am not sure if it is the hormones or just life, or just the cycle coming back around but I feel like I can't breathe.
I keep trying to not - slip, to not go back to sleep and lose any progress I made so far. But I feel like I am leaning over the edge of the cliff, I can feel the wind from the deep cavern below swirling and I can't breathe. I keep staring into the deep void knowing this is where I must go.
I must push past this point. This is one of those points where you in hindsight realize if you just pushed past something wonderful was waiting for you.
I know the real work begins on the other side of this feeling.
Proving to myself I really want this, this time I will face the feelings and
lose the weight, take back my life and start enjoying life again.
The problem is I am not sure what to do. I am afraid to go back to sleep. I tried listening to the same motivational tapes and now everytime I put them on I can't stop fidgetting.
Today instead of going to a fast food joint, I pulled up all my will and went to the grocery store and cooked, cleaned.
I am not sure what I need to do but I am going to try to finally meet myself on the other side of this cycle for the first time in my life.