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I did it! I bought fat pants!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I had to. My new-coworker has a slamming body and a great wardrobe.
I need to step up my game. I need to get toned and rocking.
And one of the steps is to dress better at work.

I have to dress the part. No matter what size my pants are.
I vow to the pants god that this will be the last pair of pants I buy for a size 14.
I hope they aren't too big. Probably not! lol. But either way.

I do feel better. I am excited to have more clothes it was getting bad having only 3 appropriate pairs of pants to wear and having to do laundry each night when I get home just to be semi-decent at work.

So now I have 6 pairs! 6!

I know this will make me feel better and I vow to be the "pretty" one at the office! lol so superficial

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PUDDLE_JUMPER 1/16/2010 6:44AM

    I just bought some clothes and I feel OK about it. I want to have decent clothes to wear even if I am still going to lose weight. I have a lot more to lose than you but I still think it is nice to look good and especially for you in an office environment. My latest purchase: work out clothes. I am really psyched. I think we need to be good to ourselves as long as we don't go completely nuts. I am sure you look pretty good in your new purchases. Best wishes and enjoy!!! Hopefully the next size down will not be long away! Good luck!!!


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HERCULEA 1/15/2010 11:12AM

    Hey! It's a win-win situation. Look good today, bask in the glow of triumph in a few months! As you lose weight, be sure to save those pants. They will serve your psyche well. I recently had a similar experience this past summer. I vowed not to buy anymore size 14's but I needed a pair of nice slacks for an interview so I bought them. I cannot tell you how good it felt to pull on those same pants in November and have them just falling off my body. It's one of the best rewards.

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XENAMY 1/15/2010 9:10AM

  Honey, no one can hold a candle to you and you know it! Just don't get comfy in your size 14 pants. Although I would looooooove to be in a size 14. Perhaps in another month.

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--KREN 1/15/2010 7:38AM

    Looking good NOW is important. The more you appreciate your body and want to show it off at its best, the faster you will get to that next pant size down! Karen

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LWITHEROW 1/14/2010 9:59AM

    You go girl! The next pair you buy will be a size 12, then size 10....................With your attitude you will do great!

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MARTHA116 1/14/2010 9:53AM

    Great attitude!!

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SULIAH 1/14/2010 9:27AM

    I second the dress suggestion! They are much more forgiving for size if you get the right fabric, you don't have to worry about matching, and they always look professional! I never used to wear dresses, but recently bought 4 of them that I rotate in my wardrobe (2 are the exact same dress in different prints because I like the fit) and I get compliments every time! Also, a couple pairs of high heels make you look worlds more professional, so if you don't wear them already, try it! They don't take long to get used to and you don't have to buy new shoes if you lose weight emoticon

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BRENDAB49 1/14/2010 9:20AM

    I am glad for you. It is good to see that some people do care about the way that they look. Size 14 for me is smaller pants because I was in a 18-20 a few months ago so I take great pleasure in buying a size 14. I might suggest that if you can wear dresses go and find a few..check your consignment stores and store like TJMaxx. Get tights that have designs on them wear your boots and make that fashion statement...

You the go girl.....

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QUIDDITCHGRRL 1/14/2010 9:02AM

    emoticon emoticon

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On the edge...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Life cycles... My cycles...

I seem to get stuck into a depressed state of mind. Then I muddle my way to the tunnel of light. I get inspired and surge forward. After a few days or week or so of inspired joy and thinking, I come down and I realize life is just life. It is just another day. The stress, expectations and responsibilities start to push back and I can't seem to keep everything going.

I am trying to break this cycle. I was doing really well until Monday morning. I am not sure if it is the hormones or just life, or just the cycle coming back around but I feel like I can't breathe.

I keep trying to not - slip, to not go back to sleep and lose any progress I made so far. But I feel like I am leaning over the edge of the cliff, I can feel the wind from the deep cavern below swirling and I can't breathe. I keep staring into the deep void knowing this is where I must go.

I must push past this point. This is one of those points where you in hindsight realize if you just pushed past something wonderful was waiting for you.

I know the real work begins on the other side of this feeling.
Proving to myself I really want this, this time I will face the feelings and
lose the weight, take back my life and start enjoying life again.

The problem is I am not sure what to do. I am afraid to go back to sleep. I tried listening to the same motivational tapes and now everytime I put them on I can't stop fidgetting.

Today instead of going to a fast food joint, I pulled up all my will and went to the grocery store and cooked, cleaned.

I am not sure what I need to do but I am going to try to finally meet myself on the other side of this cycle for the first time in my life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STRINGS58 1/12/2010 11:32PM

    My clinical self kicks in as I wonder how much anxiety is contributing to depression . . . hmmm, there is a careful balance between thinking and thinking too much, between discipline and functioning -- if you have things that have worked for you in the past, get them together on a list and post it where you can remind yourself when you forget . . . Exercise: this helps metabolize the mood chemicals and prompts the body to secrete the feel good chemicals. It takes awhile to do this-- it can take days. If you feel there is something that needs to be expressed, draw a circle on paper with margin area, and then start drawing. It's called a mandala. Maybe something will come foward. If not, just enjoy the movement of drawing.
It is possible to break the pattern but it is a customized experience. Letting yourself off the hook and just being may be part of the formula.
Many emoticon and one emoticonin front of the other!

Comment edited on: 1/12/2010 11:38:26 PM

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KATELOSS2009 1/12/2010 11:28PM

    allow yourself the downs just like you allow yourself the ups. you are a human being with emotions, and that's ok.


you CAN hold on. you CAN beat this. you CAN win this battle.

we're along in it with you.

do something for me. go back and read your blogs "good new year's news" and "inspirational quote of the day."

that is a strong, motivated, happy, wise woman. that is you. you can do this.

you can.

I know you can.

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XENAMY 1/12/2010 9:08PM

  Hey there! Listen. The fact that you did not go to a disgusting fast food joint and had a productive moment instead speaks volumes!!!


You are standing on the edge of major change, a breakthrough, a revolution and reinvention of Erica! Remember the last time the devil tried to dance with you? We were going to the gym for months and then slipped? Yeah, this is two years later, we are two years older, and this sick maddening cycle cannot continue.

Do not let the current pull you under. Life is not just life. Life is what you make it. Life is about the tiny little victories and the moments that you want to make last forever, the wind in your hair and the good book and the smell of coffee and sunshine and knowing that you resisted temptation and not having your thighs rub together when you walk.

Beth is coming. Marathon is coming. Summer is coming. Another Birthday is coming. This is something that you have to do for yourself. Or it will NEVER END.

So feel the burn, fight the temptation, rise above, and own your victory. If the tape is making you fidgety... do something else. Music, good book, different tape. Maybe just shut it all out and clean, pluck eyebrows or color hair. Whatever. Whatever you do though...

DO NOT GIVE UP! emoticon

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GRYFFINSONG 1/12/2010 8:54PM

    Hugs to you, and I wish you all the strength you need to push through this. I have highs and lows too, and sometimes the extremes really challenge me. Especially the darkness. I'm wishing you light, progress and strength!!!

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Exercise and Sports

Sunday, January 10, 2010

You know I have an inner tom boy inside of me.

I always wanted to play sports and throw the ball around.

But I always had boys around me push me down and make fun of me where I would have anxiety attacks in gym and didn't do anything athletic.

I was walking through Dick's Sporting Goods and I would love to learn sports and rules and play. I was watching a show about this wife of an enlisted army guy wanted to play softball so she started a team of woman who were all somewhat overweight and none of them really played before and they started and soon were playing other teams and it was a great bonding experience.

I would like to do something like that. Maybe when I find a place to settle, I can see if I can find or get a team together to play something.

Even just going out and tossing the ball is so much better than sitting in front of the tv and gossiping.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALANOFLINY 1/10/2010 8:15PM

    LOL - you don't need to be a tom boy to want to play sports!!! :-) But that's great that you want to - nothing helps keep you fit than exercise, and team sports (or just playing catch with someone) makes it more enjoyable than doing it alone.

Don't wait till you settle down - you can grab a ball anywhere. Even if you're just throwing it against a wall and fielding ground balls.... it's all good!


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XENAMY 1/10/2010 8:14PM

  How about drinking coffee and gossiping? emoticon

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Do you hear that crowd scream?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

So Green Bay is at 45 and Arizon is at 45. They are in overtime and Arizon pulls it through for the win!

Do you hear that crowd? Do you see the excitement from all the tension exploding in the stands and through Arizona.

I want to feel that charge about my life. To have that excitement.

Pretty awesome.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRYFFINSONG 1/10/2010 10:19PM

    I love your imagery, and am planning to remember it when I need to spark some enthusiasm. I most often feel that kind of excitement at the beginning of things. Keeping the excitement for the long haul is my struggle.

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DEVOTEEOFISET 1/10/2010 8:42PM

    I think it is Max's sister! I miss Max! My soul doggie!

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XENAMY 1/10/2010 8:13PM

  OMG! Is that max? You're friends with Max?!!??!?!?!

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LADYPIPPIE 1/10/2010 8:08PM

    I agree with you. It is possible, though.

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Pins and Needles

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Two things.

1. My dearest cousin sent me a secret not - released or shared song for my opinion. And I actually gave her my first real critical opinion on her music. Most of my critiques were positive on the positive parts. But I actually put the positive parts too but I added two not really negative but they are harsh critiques when you are talking about someones art.

I am scared I might have stepped over the line. Just because I never showed her that part of my self directed at her. I showed her while directed at others art or music but never hers.

I also know how she takes critiques. I really tried to say things in the most positive way. But I am scared of her reaction to the part of myself I never showed.

But I am proud that I did it. We need to stretch our personality muscles and be free to be.

2. My step-sister is coming home from England in May for a visit!!!

I am not sure if she is bringing the husband and kids but it will be good to see her. The last time I saw her was when I visited her in 08.

We have a rocky relationship. She is a gorgeous 5'5 girl who has never really been heavy but has always been the big sister know it all exercise person and we just always seem to have great times with some sisterly tough times too.

She is coming in MAY and I HAVE TO ROCK IT. I have to put my gloves on and get ready to kick this weight loss / personal growth in high gear.

I have been saying that since EVER! Every time I see her I will have lost weight, this will happen. Once I was almost there.

This is the time!

Lots of things happening today!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATELOSS2009 1/10/2010 12:09PM

    one thing happens when we start honestly dealing with ourselves about our weight and our habits - we start dealing more honestly with others. no more sugar-coating. gentle truth, but truth. even if the criticism stings a little, I'm sure she'd rather hear it from someone who cares about her than a producer, who will only give her one shot to impress.

and HEAR YOU ROAR!!! we'll be there to kick your booty on days you don't want to work out - we'll just remind you that you want to see that "holy smokes! look at HER!" look on your sister's face.


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STRINGS58 1/10/2010 9:41AM

    Lots of rearranging going on there in that mind and body. Methinks you are traveling to a territory of self-acceptance in the face of different external experiences.

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