Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tori Amos once said. I am like anchovies. You either love me or hate me.
I often feel like I am anchovies. Today, I feel like anchovies.
Also, I seem to lose weight and stay accountable when I have people checking up on me, yelling or firmly demanding a reason for the occasional madness. I like the competitive side and the side where you band together and all decide to stay on task and keep each other on task and keep calling out that you disappeared. To stay in your face. lol...
Does anyone know any groups out there that work for them like that?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I feel like my whole life I have been running from a wisdom, an experience.
I would consciously take the easy way out kicking myself all the way back to the beginning on these vicious cycles of wishful thinking change.
I always felt this silence inside of me that would tell me what to do but I always chose the easy way.
After a few days of trying to stay centered and on track, I realized a few things.
1. Deepak Chopra said on his one cd. There is a human being, a human feeling, a human thinking, or a human doing.
I spent my whole life running from the being in me. Or maybe I spent a whole life running into ... becoming me. But as I listen to him say these words. I realized all my hard work during the days are human doing. They are not human being.
To go along with this, I realized that I do a lot during the day. I handle a lot and take care of a lot. But not me. Also...
A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I have to strip my day down to individual tasks. And are these tasks leading to, building a foundation for, in tune with my dreams, my ideals, my goals, inner Erica?
I run around like a mouse in a wheel exerting so much effort. Trying so hard in this futile race of pain, stress and unrealistic or focused expectations.
I realized that my goals need to be centered around those daily tasks that without a doubt will lead me to a path I want to live.
I need to stop patting and rewarding myself for hard days and a lot of tasks completed.
I need to start patting myself and observing myself and holding myself to those few tasks that lead to my goals.
And if you look back at all my attempts to change and lose weight before -- I have never really or for long focused on those tasks.
Some of my accountability tasks:
2nd and Last Thought for today --
I was transferring spoken word and meditation music to my new mp3 player. And I found motivational talks by Earl Nightingale. Now this guy seems old and sounds old but I decided to listen anyway - It is better than eating cheetos or watching jerry springer or something.
And I just had this odd feeling sit down over me. I felt like I could see Earl Nightingale and then all these other speakers I ever listened to and I felt deep inside of me like this little seed blossoming ---
And that seed said - If all these people from the past until now are all saying the same thing - Imagination, Visualization, What you think about, attention, positivity --- don't you think you could employ these techniques?
And I really feel it. Almost like if I close my eyes and it was a sandwich I could bite into it and taste it. Like an after taste. I want to hold on to this feeling and manifest all of my potential.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
So here I am just a few days before the new year. Usually I spend the new year at home. I write a letter to myself and read the one I wrote the year before. I take a luxourious bath and maybe have a good meal earlier that night.
I must have had losing weight on my resolution list for at least 14 years.
Most of my tactics are ones I tried before. Part of me is scared of this 2010, It can not be a repeat performance. I will not allow this.
This week will be hard as everything is in turmoil. Work, my time schedule, etc. I just have to take it one day at a time, one moment in time and not allow people to push me too hard. I have to allow myself lunches, meals and time to take care of myself.
I have to remember -- what really is me and what will help me get to the goals I want to tackle!!!
I am quite optimistic. Since I started sparkpeople around 11/12, my mentality, focus, energy and postivity is stronger.
I will keep reading and listening to motivation tapes.
I will write, exercise and eat right.
I will start building a foundation and creating a strong atmosphere and person.
I love sparkpeople and all my new friends and supporters!
Everyone is so wonderful.
Here's to achieving goals and never ever failing a goal or myself.
There is no try only do.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I think since probably about age 11, except for when I was on birth control pills, I never got my period two months in a row. And here I am attempting to eat better and I just got my period for the second month in a row. And I only just started sparkpeople. I have to tell you -- even though it sucks -- having my period two times in a row and not being on birth control makes me feel like I am doing something right. I couldn't believe it! I am 31! And I had it in Nov and Dec. I am not holding my breathe for January. But I must say that it gives me hope for the possible changes it has in my body, just eating and watching and taking care of my body.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I thank everyone who has been supporting me through my journey out of my negative and lost mindset. I have been deciding whether or not to write this. I have really been trying to focus on changing my behaviors and habits and general mindset.
I recently made a list and blogged about it showing all the work I want to accomplish for the new year to start fresh. Get this. This was my life but I am changing it so there MURPHY :-P pfft.
My co-worker was out for 5 days and just sent a resignation email. Now this co-worker was babied here where else can she be on facebook 8 hours a day, although I am sure she will find a place. She told my boss she went to the doctors, went to the hospital, had to see a specialist, and then went to the doctor's yesterday and my boss asked her to bring a doctor's note since she was out for 5 days. So her response was a email resignation.
LOL! Now, part of me thinks how the hell am I going to get all my work done, smoothly and do her job and prepare for new girl and train new girl and ...
During this past week, my bosses mentioned new tasks and new procedures for the new year.
Part of me feels like this is such a huge test but usually I feel lost and cast off and overwhelmed but you know what... I don't.
I am just going to keep my head down and tackle this.
Plus, I will get props for handling it so smoothly as always because I rock.
It is sad and odd in so many ways. But whatever.
Reason I wanted to blog.
I feel like yes the universe is testing but I think that mustering up courage and energy to prepare and make a to do list and review all tasks that I started a ball rolling in the universe. Because then my job starting cleaning house (and we don't do this every year at this time) and changing things, streamlining. And then I decided to address Melanie's job and we have been restructuring since. I feel that the stuff Beth would have to address with her and everything it almost seems like the energy of the universe that she would leave.
I am hoping that no I am going to attract to me a great wonderful assistant / billing rep / receptionist that will allow me to grow and delegate and allow my boss to delegate to me.
This will be a great new change for a great new projection forward.
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