Friday, November 13, 2009
Here the journey begins... again? I don't want to focus on the multiple attempts at losing weight in the past. The time is now.
I started this site so my best friend and I can keep in touch with our weight loss goals and keep each other motivated with spit, fire, and whatever it takes to push each other out of the vicious cycle.
I am doing these first three days as a dipping my foot into the pool and slowly heading into the pool of willpower, determination and true self priority and life giving action. I am doing well although I am starving. I realize some areas of improvement and hope to stay strong enough to endure to put those changes into place.
My downfall is I care about my job and my family and people's feelings.
So I walk around being an overwhelmed people pleaser whose life is falling apart. Or has fallen apart but through sheer force of will, I manage to keep things balancing but soon, it will all fall if I don't form and develop a strong foundation to jump into this new phase of me.
I tend to not eat anything and then I will gorge at lunch and supper and pass out at night when I get home from stress exhaustion.
I don't want to see all the pain and reality so I hide in all the nooks and crannies of life I can.
I have to take what I really enjoy and LIVE IT. And take the things I hide in, the extremes, the lack of awareness, or should I say the denial of the awareness. --
In the end, you might feel happy because you had a good experience but there are so many bad experiences I have because of those settled for good moments.
And so many many many more great opportunities I never take or miss because of it all.
I mean here I sit with the same awareness as when I was 17. Why now?
I am not going to focus on that. Maybe now because of all the missed great years and opportunities and now it is time to walk the walk.
I want more. I believe in more. I am going for more.
I have hit the bottom.
I have driven to a fast food restaurant instead of going to wawa so I don't have to walk in and have everyone see me.
I have lived in my own isolation
I have watched enough tv for a state
I have eaten enough doritos, cheese curls, hershey bars
I am not poor anymore. I can afford this food I just choose not too.
For 4 months I went to the gym every week day morning at 5am. I might have missed one or two days but... I got frustrated at not seeing results and instead of thinking I am just right there and I just need to push. I stopped. And it was a gradual oh, I can miss 1 day, oh 2 days won't kill me, oh next week will be fine.
Until I stopped. Then I couldn't go back. I felt ashamed and lost.
I remember before -- I wasn't where I needed to be
My life wasn't perfect
But i was working toward something or ... just working my body
And that was great!
Well... I will not succumb today.
I really like this site. It has so many aspects incorporated!
Good Luck Erica, Good Luck Everyone.