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DETERMINED_SOUL's Recent Blog Entries
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Thursday, July 22, 2010
Well, I can definitely say my life has taken a bad turn. The love of my life has up and left me and friends, I haven't been exactly eating as I should, I haven't been exercising as I should and I definitely haven't been getting the sleep I need.
It has been a month and a half and emotionally I am still shredded, but I am an optimistic person and can find what is getting better. My eating habits are getting back to normal. Mornings are hard, but if I force myself to at least eat something my body gets onto it's normal clock and lets me know when I should eat something. The actual intake of food is low, but I am eating about 5 meals a day again. I love to cook, however we always cooked together so this is a slow feat for me to do on my own. It is really hard so I have been sticking to a lot of salads, sandwiches and anything that can come out of the fridge and be eaten. I do cook a little, not near as much as I used to though.
I really need to get back to working out, but between not eating a whole ton, lack of sleep and the toll of my emotional state I have found my strength and motivation to workout aren't there. To top it off, I have the wonderful excuse of not having room b/c my apartment is still in shambles from when we sorted through everything. I am working on getting it packed up and started in the living room so I can have room to work out. Instead of sitting curled up in my lounger all day I have started sitting on my stability ball for different lengths of time. It's a good way to build my motivation to workout again. As soon as I have room I will get back to my pilates. I figure that is a good start back up workout, I will get back to my running eventually. Part of me wonders if I am procrastinating at packing because I am scared to. The other day I was packing some boxes and had to stop because I had a breakdown. I came across some stuff that she left behind that meant a lot to our relationship and I couldn't continue.
Then there is the sleep issue. I basically have to stay up until I fall over. I try going to bed earlier, but I end up laying there thinking and processing everything that has been going on. It is a good thing that I have friends I can text/call at midnight, otherwise I would never get to sleep. When I sleep my mind is still processing things so I'm not getting the greatest sleep either, and then I wake up around 7ish everyday. I try to sleep some more and it just doesn't work. I have always had a hard time functioning on little sleep anyway. I was always the one in bed by 9 and up around 6. I have taken sleeping aides a couple of nights and I don't think they really help much. I still need to stay up and do something, but then I fall asleep where I am and wake up in the middle of the night b/c I am uncomfortable and need to get into my bed. Then, the whole difficulty of going to sleep starts again.
Many aspects of my life are done, but there are still those parts that can improve. Eating and exercise are two of them and I think slowly over time, they will get back to where I want them to be. The good thing through all of this is I am still losing weight, and after the first few weeks, at a healthy rate.
Friday, July 16, 2010
For those who have been following my life the last month and a half; here is a continuation. My wife came to get her stuff the weekend of July 4th. I was able to talk to her, but I felt as though many of the answers were pre-planned answers and while we were sorting through things we were talking and many of her stories would be contradictions of previous ones. There have been so many lies going around from the beginning that I am stuck in a place where I am unable to decipher truth from fiction. I am sure, along with a few of her better friends, that the characteristics of the people she is now living with are rubbing off on her. She was such a trustworthy, honest, friendly person and now she has become the opposite. She is so angry at anyone who questions what she is doing and, like I previously stated, the stories are full of contradictions. It is so hard for me to sit here and watch her do this to herself; one, because I am so in love with her and two, because I consider her a really good friend.
I this point I know I will continue to live, but I am unable to actually "live." My life was for her and now that she is gone so is my life. I will reach my goals though and I will continue to succeed in what I am doing, but I have hit a new button. Everything I do is going to be for her; I have failed somewhere and now is my time to right everything I have ever done wrong.
I need to remain healthy and on the right track to reaching my goals so that I am able to be confident in my decisions and honestly know that what I am doing will make a difference.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Okay, there are many of you who know a little about what is going on with my wife and I. I need your help please. All day Friday, especially during the afternoon, I need your prayers, best wishes, blessing or what ever else you feel you need to do.
My wife is coming to get her stuff and there are many of us (her friends and I) that feel we are dealing with evil powers beyond what any of us would like to deal with. Since I have friends of many religions I am asking you to do what you can to help ward off and rid the evil that is in our lives.
Thank you!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I'm still not sure how everything is going to work out. My world has up and left me and her friends hanging with nothing to hold on to. The friends closest to her and I are receiving a lot of anger from her because we are worrying about her. What do you do when someone tells you, you have no right to worry about them anymore? I will always worry about her, not only was she my wife, but she has been my best friend for the last 8 years. To up and just drop all of those years like they never existed is really hard for me, right now it is seems to be really easy for her, but who really knows. I am slowly getting back to doing things (like sparkpeople) where I have a wonderful community to keep me occupied.
One thing that came out of this is that I am getting closer to my goal, faster. Now, this is really hard for me because I know the right way to reach it and I know what I should be doing. However, I have been having a really hard time eating and working out. ...Confession time.... It's not that I don't try to eat, but every time I try to my mouth goes dry, I get nauseous, or food just no longer sounds good (my stomach doesn't even growl). The good thing about having friends and family is they make you get out and do things and while my mom is here, it is easier to cook. As for the exercise, I've walked a couple of times but my routine is gone. I have not worked out since June 1st. It is so very hard. I was doing it for myself, but I kind of liked the thought that my DW was here supporting me and even a little flirtatious with me when I worked out in the house. Also, since she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I have also been trying to work out a routine for her so she could do something to keep herself going as well.
I keep looking at what I have done this month and it saddens me, I had even begun to think about getting my personal trainer/pilates instructor certification. This is not the way to be reaching my goal weight and I know that, I'm just trying to add a little more each day. I am hoping as I get back into my favorite roll of being support for others on sparkpeople, I will also find my motivation to work out again. Along with the motivation I need energy so I also need to get back into eating enough and getting enough sleep; not that I'm not trying, I really am.
Thank you for listening to me vent.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
I know I haven't been blogging or doing much of anything else with this site.
Without any warning to her friends or me that anything was wrong or that she was going to leave, she up and left Last Tuesday night. No body knows what is going on, nobody knows the people she is staying with. She has only known the people for two months and she has decided she is in love with them instead of me. Her closest friends and family didn't even know she felt that way. The last they all knew she was happy and wanting to have kids with me. From my end, I didn't see anything wrong with any aspects of our relationship either. Now my DW has decided to leave, she has been my life for the last 7 years and she will always be my world and mean so so so very much to me.
Everyone on this end is concerned for her, even me. I should be mad, I should feel like I was let down, but I don't....I just want her to talk to me and tell me that she is definitely okay and share what is going on. I want her to tell me why she just up and left without any warning and what I did that was so wrong. My mind is going in so many circles and so many speculations are being made that I don't even know up from down. I love her so very much and would do absolutely anything for her, why has she decided to leave? I don't even know what to do. I know I haven't put all the details of everything in here, but I'm really not sure what they are and it is the internet, but I love her so much and still feel her everywhere I am. We were meant to be, I feel it in my every being. I will always be hers and nobody elses...we are eternity.
Okay, now that you have all heard a little, I want to apologize for being away from spark and everything for so long. I'm still not completely back, but I am trying to be. It is really hard right now, it is something we did together. I love her more than anything. I want to thank you all for just listening. Thank you.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
I will be praying and thinking possitive thoughts in your direction all day!