Monday, July 12, 2010
I am, by nature, a nurturer. I did not receive love and nurture as a child; I was left to fend for myself from the age of eight. I learned quickly, however, that those around me might bestow some affection, if I catered well to serving their needs...mostly emotional ones, though "good food" was equally certain to illicit favor as I got older and learned to cook. This is also the time, when I learned to nurture and comfort my own little self with food.
Fast forward 40 years: newly divorced; (more specifically: emancipated from a dry, empty, 25 year marriage), I fall in love with a dangerous, handsome, brilliant, rebel, who for some reason, is as taken with me as I am with him..or so I thought. Yes, I allowed myself to believe, that this man was captivated by my intelligence, and my stunning ability to subjugate all my personal needs and desires to his omnipresent ones. NO ONE before me had the ability to soothe and fill his insatiable need to be loved better than me, because that is who I am, remember? The best damn nurturer in the world!
Even as I found myself slipping dangerously deeper in to what I well knew was an unhealthy self-sacrifice, I was so convinced that his "appreciation" of my terrific ability to nurture him meant he loved me, and needed me reciprocally.................W R O N G!!!!
Oh, how very, very wrong! How pitifully naive! How hungry and desperate for love I am!!!!! Yesterday, I discovered, (quite by accident), that not only was he cheating on me, (with a "friend"), but his pursuit of that particular relationship, expressed a disdain and emotional cruelty in its very essence . My nurture was enjoyable and useful to him, but most certainly not representative of the love I thought I had earned. I saw this all before me in black and white.
Which brings me back to my intital thought: at some point, I confused love with food and nurture. While there is unquestionably a good amount of both in a healthy relationship, (think: parent/child most especially), I really got my wires crossed when it came to understanding the balance.
So here I sit, with a broken heart..and I say this not at all lightly...it literally feels like I have a gaping hole in my chest. I am so shaken by the betrayal and treachery I witnessed this past weekend, that I am immobilized. I have dropped 30+ pounds these last 3 months, and am so desperate not to lose that one sign of hope, that here I am, reading and writing, and hoping and praying that I can find my way back to that lovely place of self respect in which I have dwelled since April 12, when I joined SparkPeople.
I know this is entirely in my hands..no one can fix this but me.. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
A "quick" post to say the following few things:
1. I have a goal of losing 10% of my body weight every 3 months. Today I met the first 10% goal.
2. I get scared when I see the alloted calories change, based on my changed body weight. Can I do it? I know I can, and I will, but it scares the bejeesus outta me...I'm just sayin'....
3. Today I am going on vacation for the next five. I will be offline, and I will not be tracking. I intend to eat, drink, and be very, very, merry. What will I face upon my return? What the scale reads at that time is irrelevant. The critical component will be where my head is at....
4. The end goal is no longer an "if". It is a certainty. The only question is, what battles will I face in the days ahead? That gives me some anxiety. However, I now know that I have the skills, the fortitude, and the determination to make it happen. And I will....
4. Stay strong my Spark friends...see you in a week!
Friday, June 25, 2010
(Don't comment on my having had beer and popcorn for lunch..it's not my norm, but I did so today to accommodate a social situation, (and cos I wanted to :>)
But, lordy, lordy..do my eyes deceive me? Did I really eat all this (indulgent) food for a paltry 1600 cals? If it's so, I must say, choosing the steamed veggies over the chow mein/rice option really saved my tushy! Admittedly, I did a nutritional content check before heading out for din-din, but for goodness' sake, it sure felt like more than it was. May I add, for the record, that seeing my plate filled 50% with bright, green, ever-so-gently steamed broccoli, did give me a delightful dose of self- righteous? And self-righteous is a side dish I don't often taste..so I'll take it, tyvm!!
Moral of the story..I can eat in a way that makes me happy, take my son out for frozen yogurt, and still lose weight!!!!
Here is my nutrition tracker for the day, if it can be believed:
Regular Coffee, black 5 cups (8 fl oz) 12
Cheddar Cheese, Tillamook All Natural Sharp Cheddar (1 oz), 0.5 serving 55
Egg, fresh, 1 large 75
English Muffin, 2 oz 133
Canadian Bacon, 0.5 serving 40
Breakfast TOTALS: 315
Beer - MGD (12 fl oz - 1 beer), 1 serving 143
Orville Redenbacher's Smart Pop Movie Theater Butter Popcorn, 2 serving 240
Lunch TOTALS: 383
Mixed Steamed Veggies - Panda Express (5.5 oz), 1 serving 70
Honey Walnut Shrimp - Panda Express 3.7 oz, 1 serving 370
Beef and Broccoli (5.5 oz serving)Panda express, 1 serving 150
Panda Express - Cream Cheese Rangoon (3 pcs.), 1 serving 190
Orange Leaf frozen yogurt-chocolate 4oz serving, 1 serving 120
Dinner TOTALS: 900
total for day 1,598
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Yesterday was my "Alice" day..a big fall, down a dark hole, into a weird and wacky world of wanton food lust. And it was the first day that I didn't even try to keep track of what was going in my mouth..I just ate with utter abandon. (Two, count 'em, two, trips to Taco Bell!!!).
This morning, having woken from the bad dream that was yesterday, I decided to at least attempt a recollection of my transgressions. Mostly because I like to look at my Spark calendar at the end of each month, and get a grand overview. A missing day would mess that up. So I rolled up my sleeves, and dug in to my food tracker with trepidation.
If I had taken a wild stab in the dark, I would have estimated I was good for having downed 5000 calories. But herein lies the genius of the food tracker..the actual tally for my wanton food fest, was 3200 calories!
3200 calories in one day, does not undo, or even poke a hole in the big picture. For goodness sake, that 3200 means I have 1600 excess calories to spread out over the course of the month....about half a pound. No biggie. A non -event.
Today, I am reinvigorated, and my passion for healthy living is restored. Sometimes the Binge Gods can be kind, if you just have the courage to look them in the eye.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Huh??? Doin' a scooby-doo double-take myself, on that one!
So I made this great father's day feast, and it included a number of asian flavored dishes, completed by a scrumptious, yet calorie conscious, trifle for dessert. Oh man, was it GOOD! Even with excessive dips into the trifle, I stayed within range.
Monday morning arrives...the trifle and soy sauce laden leftovers are screaming my name. Not a problem..I can have some for lunch. YUM!
Tuesday morning...ohhhhhh, I feel sluggish, and BLOATED!! No surprise there..time for a nice CLEAN day loaded with fruits, veggies and water. Been staying within my calorie range the last few days, but with too many of those precious energy units devoted to the "not-so-good" stuff. That's ok... once in a while.
OH-OH!!!! RED ALERT!!!! Desire for clean eating is M.I.A....swallowed by CRAVINGS for fat and salt..of the Taco Bell variety...which I NEVER EAT!!!! I can be the queen of junk food, but I have never been drawn by Taco Bell. So why is it I find myself in the drive thru with a double taco and a raspberry iced tea at 3 in the afternoon??? I'll tell you why..soy sauce and trifle, that's why!!! My monster has been fed, and he is feeling strong..strong enough to assert himself with full force.
I am telling you this, because I KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I will be back on plan within the next day or so. And my cocky confidence in my "having beaten this thing",will return. But this post will serve as my witness, that falling is easy, and recovery is hard, but do-able. I have done both before, and I will do both again. This is my reminder.
Get An Email Alert Each Time DESERTFLOWER8 Posts