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DESERTFLOWER8's Recent Blog Entries

Love, Food, and Betrayal

Monday, July 12, 2010

I am, by nature, a nurturer. I did not receive love and nurture as a child; I was left to fend for myself from the age of eight. I learned quickly, however, that those around me might bestow some affection, if I catered well to serving their needs...mostly emotional ones, though "good food" was equally certain to illicit favor as I got older and learned to cook. This is also the time, when I learned to nurture and comfort my own little self with food.

Fast forward 40 years: newly divorced; (more specifically: emancipated from a dry, empty, 25 year marriage), I fall in love with a dangerous, handsome, brilliant, rebel, who for some reason, is as taken with me as I am with him..or so I thought. Yes, I allowed myself to believe, that this man was captivated by my intelligence, and my stunning ability to subjugate all my personal needs and desires to his omnipresent ones. NO ONE before me had the ability to soothe and fill his insatiable need to be loved better than me, because that is who I am, remember? The best damn nurturer in the world!

Even as I found myself slipping dangerously deeper in to what I well knew was an unhealthy self-sacrifice, I was so convinced that his "appreciation" of my terrific ability to nurture him meant he loved me, and needed me reciprocally.................W R O N G!!!!

Oh, how very, very wrong! How pitifully naive! How hungry and desperate for love I am!!!!! Yesterday, I discovered, (quite by accident), that not only was he cheating on me, (with a "friend"), but his pursuit of that particular relationship, expressed a disdain and emotional cruelty in its very essence . My nurture was enjoyable and useful to him, but most certainly not representative of the love I thought I had earned. I saw this all before me in black and white.

Which brings me back to my intital thought: at some point, I confused love with food and nurture. While there is unquestionably a good amount of both in a healthy relationship, (think: parent/child most especially), I really got my wires crossed when it came to understanding the balance.

So here I sit, with a broken heart..and I say this not at all literally feels like I have a gaping hole in my chest. I am so shaken by the betrayal and treachery I witnessed this past weekend, that I am immobilized. I have dropped 30+ pounds these last 3 months, and am so desperate not to lose that one sign of hope, that here I am, reading and writing, and hoping and praying that I can find my way back to that lovely place of self respect in which I have dwelled since April 12, when I joined SparkPeople.

I know this is entirely in my one can fix this but me.. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYASHLEY 8/4/2010 10:33AM

    I had someone do that to me and it is not your fault that you loved him and gave him your all and he treated you badly. There are people who do what they want and really don't care if they hurt anyone else. Luckily you are not one of those people and you got away from him before you ended up married or with kids or something else. What I do blame myself for in that relationship was that I didn't stand up for myself. I knew he wasn't treating well but I thought the more I loved and provided he would stop treating me poorly. After I realized that words are cheap and I looked for a man whose actions showed me he was good guy and I found someone. It wasn't easy or happen quickly but he was worth the wait. Congrats on losing 30 lbs that is amazing!

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SAMPEANUT 7/14/2010 12:05PM

  I'm so sorry you're hurting. It does sound like you know that while you are aching now, the relationship you were in was not a good one for you. You deserve so much better. At least know that the hurt you have right now is temporary - and know that you have the ability to love and love deeply. You will love again and you will be loved. Heck, WE love you!:) emoticon

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MANLEYSANDY 7/13/2010 4:28PM

    Words cannot express how sorry I am....It just sucks. I have said it before, and I am going to say it again, I am always amazed how often people disappointment me, especially the ones I love!!! That being said, stay sad, cry, stay in bed if you want...but remember how far you have come, and no matter how good the hamburger or ice cream is in the moment, it is not the solution!!! Loss is loss, and it hurts always, but how we handle it and cope with it is the true test to how we continue through life.

I know we cannot live with them and we cannot live without them but most men are just dumb...plain and simple!!

Keep posting....we are hear for you!!

Sandy emoticon

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LISAWILLBEFIT 7/13/2010 1:37PM

    I know what you mean as a girl who grew up not being loved.That is in the past and we both get that but that does effect who you grow up to be.I am here for an support you need Sister.Lisa

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BECKYB73 7/13/2010 12:17PM

    I wish I had some words of wisdom to share that would maybe help ease some of the pain you're feeling right now. Instead I offer you virual hugs and one of the broadest shoulders to cry on, that I know of. Perhaps a blessing in all this, is that now, without him, you're free to focus even more time on YOU and your healthy journey. Just remember you're never alone and if you wanna drop a dime on his ass, I've got a mean swing with a tire iron.

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TRACYDUKA 7/13/2010 8:24AM

    emoticon I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped from you. *HUGS* You're much stronger than I was at the time. I was horrible to myself for many years after that happened. We're all here to support you. Let US nurture you with the best of our abilities here at Sparkpeople.

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RJANE40 7/13/2010 7:38AM

    What a difficult thing you're going through! I am so sorry that happened to you. Hard as it may be, dont beat yourself up, dont blame yourself. Dont regret anything you did in good faith. Clearly, he is the one with the problem. Once the hurt starts healing, you will probably be thankful that you found out the ugly truth about him sooner than later.
Keep plugging away at your weight loss--you're doing great!


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EPIPHANYANGEL 7/13/2010 7:23AM

    Betrayal can definitely leaving that 'gaping hole' feeling.

Thoughts are with you hun and we are all here for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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.DUSTY. 7/13/2010 5:14AM


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ADELE66 7/13/2010 3:07AM

    The fact that you are a loving, nurturing woman is absolutely no surprise to anyone, and doesn't need to be explained. It is demonstrated by your generousity of affection on SP.

I've actually been where you are. The betrayal by my best friend with my partner was a double devastation that has taken years to heal. I can't give you any advice that will help you right now, other than this... neither one of them deserved your affection, they were not the people you believed them to be. Do not compromise your own standards of friendship and love, and do NOT blame yourself. You are no more to blame than the victim of a mugging.

So.. you are doing the right thing surrounding yourself by other nurturing people. Let us take care of you for a while. Turn that huge supply of love you have for others on to yourself for a change.

Do get in touch if you want to discuss further in private. I'm thinking of you.


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NOTABOUTHEFACE 7/12/2010 11:15PM

    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is usually those who give the most that get hurt the most but that shouldn't deter you from being the wonderful person you are. Sadly, you loved a man who doesn't deserve it and betrayed your trust and I have a strong belief that karma will take care of that jerk. As you try to make sense of this situation please try to remember how far you've come, focus on yourself, your health and know that you have people here to remind you that you are worthy of giving your heart to the right person who will cherish it the way it should be.

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BAYBELIEVER 7/12/2010 11:06PM

    I am so sorry. I know what this is like. First, I would counsel you to stop the nurturing of this relationship now. I tried to fix mine. You can't, because you can't do it alone and if the other party isn't interested, then it is wasted energy. Then, remember that this is his problem, not yours. (And apparently your friend's.) They sound well-suited for each other. So, what is left for you to nurture? Why yourself of course! So let that be. Let it happen everyday. You have come far in 3 months. You don't want to go back. After all, getting healthier everyday is taking care of yourself and that is the best "revenge" in a situation like this. I will be praying for you as you heal. The hole in our chest will fill up, with love for yourself, new friends, and your new healthier life. Don't hide. Don't run away. Work your way through this and come out stronger on the other side. We all are human. We all make mistakes. Let yourself come out the winner by loving yourself and the life you are building!

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BELAFAN 7/12/2010 10:59PM

    Man! I am SO sorry to hear this! I know how it feels. But this too shall pass. You are a bright, kind, encouraging, strong woman. You will thank God someday that you found out your "friend" really wasn't, and this loser was just a user. What if you had married him? I'm really sorry for your pain, but remember you have lost 30 pounds and two unnecessary weights around your neck. May they rot in hell together!

Keep posting. We've got your back!

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BEGONIAC 7/12/2010 9:48PM

    I feel your pain...was there a few years back. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MOONBIRD 7/12/2010 9:31PM

    It sounds like I grew up a lot like you did. I have always put other people before myself, and I am so done doing that. I can't imagine how you must feel being betrayed that way, and by a friend also. I'm so sorry. Hang in there! You will get through this, one day at a time. emoticon

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NEWYEARME 7/12/2010 9:22PM

    I too have always had the idea that I had to "look after" people and cater to them to have them like me. Many times I have found that they were only using me... Why not? Why ruin a good thing? Where else are they going to find someone who will cater to their every need and put their own needs on the back burner (much like their mothers did)?

Once I started to have the strength to change this behaviour I soon found out who my friends truly were.

If people love you, they love you for who you are. If they truly care for you they are looking out for your needs and desires, not just their own. This has been a really hard lesson to learn. We need to love ourselves enough that we realize that we don't have to "buy" people's affections. We need to do what is good for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help people and do a good deed, but we shouldn't have to buy love.

You deserve to have someone who loves you for who you are and doesn't just want a mother. You are worth so much more.

You have lost more than 30 pounds in three months. That is amazing!!!! You are doing such a great job at making positive changes in your life. You should be extremely proud of yourself!!!! You are a strong person and you will reach your goal. And, if you need a shoulder to lean on, your Spark Friends are here.

Together, we will make it!!!!

emoticon emoticon

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    Wow, I can certainly see how horrible this feels right now. I wish I could say something to ease the pain but I know that is impossible. But this man's actions show his lack of character among many other things. This is NOT a reflection on you. You are still the same strong woman that has lost 30 lbs in the past 3 months. Yes this hurts and it will for a while but don't make the added mistake of beating yourself up too. You deserve so much more than that man and so called friend have given you. When the pain gets a little easier you will probably be able to look back in hindsight and learn from this but for now do what you need to nurture and love yourself (without food that is). emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A quickie! ;)

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

A "quick" post to say the following few things:

1. I have a goal of losing 10% of my body weight every 3 months. Today I met the first 10% goal.

2. I get scared when I see the alloted calories change, based on my changed body weight. Can I do it? I know I can, and I will, but it scares the bejeesus outta me...I'm just sayin'....

3. Today I am going on vacation for the next five. I will be offline, and I will not be tracking. I intend to eat, drink, and be very, very, merry. What will I face upon my return? What the scale reads at that time is irrelevant. The critical component will be where my head is at....

4. The end goal is no longer an "if". It is a certainty. The only question is, what battles will I face in the days ahead? That gives me some anxiety. However, I now know that I have the skills, the fortitude, and the determination to make it happen. And I will....

4. Stay strong my Spark friends...see you in a week! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWYEARME 7/7/2010 1:01PM

    Enjoy your vacation!!!

Just have fun, get in some activity whenever possible, and do the best you can.

You're right... You will reach your goals. There's no question about it!!!

emoticon emoticon

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BECKYB73 7/7/2010 11:57AM

    Have a great vacation, you DESERVE ONE!! Congratulations on meeting your first, of several goals. You rock!

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MINIDRIVER63 7/7/2010 11:47AM

    Have a wonderful vacation!

Don't worry about battles ahead. Today is enough to worry about and that's covered.



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All this for 1598 calories?!? Tale of a menu..

Friday, June 25, 2010

(Don't comment on my having had beer and popcorn for's not my norm, but I did so today to accommodate a social situation, (and cos I wanted to :>)

But, lordy, my eyes deceive me? Did I really eat all this (indulgent) food for a paltry 1600 cals? If it's so, I must say, choosing the steamed veggies over the chow mein/rice option really saved my tushy! Admittedly, I did a nutritional content check before heading out for din-din, but for goodness' sake, it sure felt like more than it was. May I add, for the record, that seeing my plate filled 50% with bright, green, ever-so-gently steamed broccoli, did give me a delightful dose of self- righteous? And self-righteous is a side dish I don't often I'll take it, tyvm!!

Moral of the story..I can eat in a way that makes me happy, take my son out for frozen yogurt, and still lose weight!!!!

Here is my nutrition tracker for the day, if it can be believed:


Regular Coffee, black 5 cups (8 fl oz) 12
Cheddar Cheese, Tillamook All Natural Sharp Cheddar (1 oz), 0.5 serving 55
Egg, fresh, 1 large 75
English Muffin, 2 oz 133
Canadian Bacon, 0.5 serving 40

Breakfast TOTALS: 315


Beer - MGD (12 fl oz - 1 beer), 1 serving 143
Orville Redenbacher's Smart Pop Movie Theater Butter Popcorn, 2 serving 240

Lunch TOTALS: 383


Mixed Steamed Veggies - Panda Express (5.5 oz), 1 serving 70
Honey Walnut Shrimp - Panda Express 3.7 oz, 1 serving 370
Beef and Broccoli (5.5 oz serving)Panda express, 1 serving 150
Panda Express - Cream Cheese Rangoon (3 pcs.), 1 serving 190
Orange Leaf frozen yogurt-chocolate 4oz serving, 1 serving 120

Dinner TOTALS: 900

total for day 1,598

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWYEARME 6/28/2010 7:25AM

    Great job!!!! Planning is the key.

I'm glad to hear that beer and popcorn are not the norm for lunch!!!! emoticon

Keep up the good work!!!

emoticon emoticon

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 6/26/2010 10:06PM

    Don't you just love it when you can totally pig out on things you like and still stay within your calories?!?!? Looks like you planned well, and that's the secret. Congratulations!!

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BEGONIAC 6/26/2010 9:04PM

    Smart eatin' girl! emoticon
And healthy as well. Don't you love broccoli when it's done just right. :)
emoticon emoticon

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LKEITHO 6/26/2010 1:54PM

    Good to know there is some fast food out there that can work into my eating plan! Thanks for sharing this!

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DESERTFLOWER8 6/26/2010 9:33AM

    thx BB..and while this is not one of my better days..(i.e. the beer/popcorn lunch and panda express dinner, are not my norm), sometimes life (or simply desire) dicates the way things go, and sometimes that means most of my cals at dinner..while i do aim to split my cals more evenly throughout the day on a regular basis, and eat more wholesome foods, my point in posting this blog was to say, "wow..even a bad-ish day, doesn't have to do any damage"..and that is encouraging, because it means we can live like "normal" peeps..

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BAYBELIEVER 6/26/2010 9:25AM

    Way to go! Way to check first, and it is nice to see someone else who occasionally has most of their calories at dinner! I don't try to, that's just the way it works out sometimes! Thanks for you comment on my blog too. Wow. Intelligent?? Who would have thunk it? Have a great day!

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-NAMASTE- 6/25/2010 11:37PM

    VERY impressive!! I may have to go to Panda Express :)

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BELAFAN 6/25/2010 9:59PM

    Whoa DesertFlowers,

5 cups of regular coffee for breakfast!!!??? WOW! If I drink one, I wake up at night with my heart pounding out of my chest! You may want to consider part decaf!

The calories DO sound too good to be true! Excellent!

Comment edited on: 6/25/2010 10:00:26 PM

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KEELY128 6/25/2010 8:49PM

    Good luck! Hang in there!

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The Binge Gods can be kind..

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Yesterday was my "Alice" day..a big fall, down a dark hole, into a weird and wacky world of wanton food lust. And it was the first day that I didn't even try to keep track of what was going in my mouth..I just ate with utter abandon. (Two, count 'em, two, trips to Taco Bell!!!).

This morning, having woken from the bad dream that was yesterday, I decided to at least attempt a recollection of my transgressions. Mostly because I like to look at my Spark calendar at the end of each month, and get a grand overview. A missing day would mess that up. So I rolled up my sleeves, and dug in to my food tracker with trepidation.

If I had taken a wild stab in the dark, I would have estimated I was good for having downed 5000 calories. But herein lies the genius of the food tracker..the actual tally for my wanton food fest, was 3200 calories!

3200 calories in one day, does not undo, or even poke a hole in the big picture. For goodness sake, that 3200 means I have 1600 excess calories to spread out over the course of the month....about half a pound. No biggie. A non -event.

Today, I am reinvigorated, and my passion for healthy living is restored. Sometimes the Binge Gods can be kind, if you just have the courage to look them in the eye.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AIBHINN 6/23/2010 10:51PM

    Good for you! As you say (and others, of course), it's not the occasional binge that's a problem, it's the constant binge. I'd bet you anything that you were (perhaps unconsciously) making better choices in your binging than you realized, too. Habits--even healthy ones--are hard to break entirely! :)

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ANDYLIN90 6/23/2010 9:56PM

    Aren't you glad you went back to track your food? I have so been where you've been.

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AZCOTA 6/23/2010 7:44PM

  I agree with everyone. We tend to absorb the 'error' of our ways and then feed it and water it until it becomes this huge 'OMG What Have I Done' feeling that makes us feel like we made such a huge mistake. However, sometimes when we actually look at it without the emotion we see "dang that's not so bad after all!" Good for you for having the guts to face it and see that yes we can indulge once in awhile and yes, we can still succeed!

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EPIPHANYANGEL 6/23/2010 1:44PM

    weird and wacky world of wanton food lust emoticon At least you still tracked.

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    My day was just like yours yesterday. I recorded everything too and was at 3700 calories. But I also spent more than 2 hours in the wave pool with grade 2/3 kids which was over 1000 calories burned.

So like you say, in the big scheme of things....not a disaster!

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MANLEYSANDY 6/23/2010 12:29PM

    The Gods do need to be satisfied from time to time...Good on ya for digging in and gettin er get stronger everyday!!! emoticon

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-NAMASTE- 6/23/2010 12:29PM

    Anytime I go out for dinner or have a couple of beers or eat anything that I don't have a clear idea of it's calorie content; I assume the worst. Always! And I am always wrong. It usually ends up being a few hundred calories :) I guess that means that we are really making the behavioral changes when cheating is still done without too much damage :)

Have a great day!

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DESERTFLOWER8 6/23/2010 12:07PM

    PRECISELY, Becky! I was thinking the same thing myself. Eating 3200 or 5000 calories day after day after day is what got us here. Eating well 80% of the time, with the occasional "sate"(perfect description), is NOT the problem. Which is really so encouraging..almost makes me feel like I can be "normal". Ahhhhhh, the sweet freedom in that....

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CAROLYNINJOY1 6/23/2010 12:05PM

    Good for you for tracking regardless of the 'wanton food lust'. I just had an 'Alice' day on Sunday.

You can do this. Learn & move on.


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BECKYB73 6/23/2010 11:58AM

    I think that sometimes you just have to sate the binge gods...if you only sacrifice once a month, you're doing pretty darn well, IMO. It was being a fanatic that got me into my current mess, not the occasional cupcake.

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GAYLE-G-63 6/23/2010 11:46AM

    I liked how you called your craving "wanton food lust." You described it perfectly! Been there, done that, moved on. You can too. Keep up the good work!


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NEWYEARME 6/23/2010 11:34AM

    Good for you!!!! Sometimes it's just the fact that we feel out of control that is the worst thing. Once we really account for what we have eaten, it's not always as bad as we think.

Today's a new day!!!!

One day at a time.


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Soy Sauce = Taco Bell

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Huh??? Doin' a scooby-doo double-take myself, on that one!

So I made this great father's day feast, and it included a number of asian flavored dishes, completed by a scrumptious, yet calorie conscious, trifle for dessert. Oh man, was it GOOD! Even with excessive dips into the trifle, I stayed within range.

Monday morning arrives...the trifle and soy sauce laden leftovers are screaming my name. Not a problem..I can have some for lunch. YUM!

Tuesday morning...ohhhhhh, I feel sluggish, and BLOATED!! No surprise there..time for a nice CLEAN day loaded with fruits, veggies and water. Been staying within my calorie range the last few days, but with too many of those precious energy units devoted to the "not-so-good" stuff. That's ok... once in a while.

OH-OH!!!! RED ALERT!!!! Desire for clean eating is M.I.A....swallowed by CRAVINGS for fat and salt..of the Taco Bell variety...which I NEVER EAT!!!! I can be the queen of junk food, but I have never been drawn by Taco Bell. So why is it I find myself in the drive thru with a double taco and a raspberry iced tea at 3 in the afternoon??? I'll tell you sauce and trifle, that's why!!! My monster has been fed, and he is feeling strong..strong enough to assert himself with full force.

I am telling you this, because I KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I will be back on plan within the next day or so. And my cocky confidence in my "having beaten this thing",will return. But this post will serve as my witness, that falling is easy, and recovery is hard, but do-able. I have done both before, and I will do both again. This is my reminder.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWYEARME 6/23/2010 11:31AM

    I hear your pain!!!

I too fed the monster this weekend and he has taken over my mind!!!

But, today is a new day. I have beaten the monster back down and have taken control. This new healthy lifestyle is a battle (in more ways than one)!!!!!

emoticon emoticon

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BECKYB73 6/22/2010 10:46PM

    I've been on the slippery slope...currently I'm in Johnsonville...italian sausage sandwiches have been screaming my name. Soon as I find the mapquest out of this joint I'll be closer to 100% for eating on plan...for now I'm only behaving at work...ugh.

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SUSIEMT 6/22/2010 9:13PM

    Hey Girl! I love Taco Bell! I haven't been to one in over 6 years! You can do this! Put the monster in his place! Tonight would be a good place to start! Go Girl! emoticon

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MOCUEVAS 6/22/2010 8:32PM

    I have that same monster and know how hard it can be to conrol, stay strong, you can do this!
Smiles, Mo

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DELRAYGIRL1 6/22/2010 8:31PM

    I totally know what you mean about the monster! As a matter of fact I just wrote a blog entry about that very thing. It's great you posted this as your reminder!

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MANLEYSANDY 6/22/2010 7:48PM

    Stay strong my friend!!! emoticon

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