DESERTFLOWER8   12,572
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DESERTFLOWER8's Recent Blog Entries

I WILL NOT LET EXHAUSTION WIN!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm in a hard place. Son home on fall break so routine is disrupted. CANNOT SLEEP, and I mean, really not sleep..like 2-3 hours a night, MAX, and this for ages on end now. I am so bleary eyed I can't put two thoughts together, never mind execute a consciously healthy routine.

The last few days I have felt myself fading to the place of "I don't care". I HATE that place; that's the place I used to live. It is sometimes easy, but it is also ugly and unhappy. I simply REFUSE to live there again. I have lost 60 pounds and I'll be damned if I'm going back because my body is being mean to me...NO...I will win this thing!

I am overindulging in less than great food choices this week, and the pool is freezing so no swimming. With son home, I don't feel comfortable doing my exercise dvds, but I am heading out for the second day in a row for a long and strenuous walk. I did so yesterday out of sheer desperation, and it flushed out a bunch of bloat that was further weighing me down. (Unfortunately, it did not aid my sleep). Today, I intend to flush out some more sluggish bloat. And I will keep doing this until son is back at at school , and the heat is on in the pool, and I can sleep, and the world is right side up again. Until then, I will use new tricks. Cos I'll be damned if I'm goin' back....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YINYANGSJM 10/26/2011 6:17PM

    I hope you've been able to get some sleep since you posted this. I haven't been on Spark lately so missed the blog. You did a great job of finding a way to exercise even though your usual routine was out of whack!!! I hope you're feeling better and back into your regular routine :).

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YIWEN39 10/16/2011 10:56PM

    Well done on taking those long walks, that's great! About your sleep, have you joined the better sleep challenge? I did, and to be perfectly honest, the actual team/challenge didn't help me that much, but it motivated me to look online and I found this Fitness article about 5 Yoga exercises to do in bed at night, and I sleep much better now. I posted a thread and a link if you check out the Better sleep challenge team. And maybe your Doc could help? You can't let that go on for too long!
Take good care of yourself!
Eve emoticon emoticon

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MOONBIRD 10/13/2011 4:18PM

    I know that has got to be hard. I've had problems with insomnia, and it makes staying on track HARD. Just rest if you feel you need it, and when you're up to it, walking outside might eventually start to help. Have you tried melatonin?

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MARLARELLA 10/13/2011 12:57PM

    Wishing the world was right for you, this instant!

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HDHAWK 10/12/2011 10:34PM

    I hope you can get some rest. I don't do anything well when I'm tired. Good for you for working around the obstacles!

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CANNIE50 10/12/2011 7:44PM

    That's the spirit. I have been thinking of you. I am wishing you sweet, sweet sleep and lots of it. emoticon

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GINA180847 10/12/2011 6:14PM

    I hope soon you can get enough sleep and the exercise you need. It is hard I know when the routine is interupted .

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MANLEYSANDY 10/12/2011 4:00PM

    I have had trouble sleeping since I was like 5 years, really! I am kind of immune to over the counter sleep meds but I still take them, not sure if you have tried those, but they are not habit forming. Sometimes I take them and sometimes I don't. Just depends if I am having those feelings. Also try Melatonin it is a natural sleep aid, and it worked for me for awhile.

When I was going through my divorce I could not take it and had the doc prescribe me something, as I was doing the same thing, only sleep liking 2-3 hours per night. Again, not habit forming, when it is used to get over the hump.

And I know you have probably heard this before, but hormones contribute to insomnia, we are just at that age!

Hope that helps...

emoticon

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THOCK1 10/12/2011 2:15PM

    I hope you can figure out the sleep thing. Have you talked to your doctor about it? He/she might be able to help.

Keep on keepin' on. You're doing great, even with inadequate sleep. If you can do this well with inadequate sleep, what else can you do? Pretty near anything.

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I'm Happy Here & I Love Where I'm Going!

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Oh, it feels good! The rhythm of slow and steady progress is really taking hold. I have days, lots of days, when I eat far less than ideal, or I ditch exercise, but I get up and try to do it better the next day. I take on teeny-weenie challenges, and when I do those well, I add more and stretch farther. I NEVER give up anymore; I NEVER allow myself to feel like a failure! And because of that, I am succeeding!

This confidence is permeating all aspects of my life. I am proving to myself that I CAN succeed in losing weight, getting fit, and caring well for my body, and this has given me a newfound sense of strength and optimism in other areas of my life. The serendipity of my improving physical strength, is that it is super-charging my mental strength. I have goals; BIG goals, and I now know, without question, that I can and will accomplish them!

Twenty five years ago I stopped living. I packed up all the special bits & pieces that were "me", shut them away in a suitcase, and attached myself to someone else's journey. The reasons for doing so are not important, but the fact that I did that to myself; that I gave up all the promise and purpose that had so driven and defined me prior, IS important. Because that little flame never burnt out, and as I hit middle age, it sparked and demanded my attention! I knew for certain I had to either reconcile to a life not lived, or I needed to make earth-shattering changes, and make them immediately. I made my choice, closed my eyes, and dove headfirst in to the abyss. At that moment, the only thing I knew for sure, was that my second half of life would be filled with all the richness I deserved. I had no idea of the "how", only of the "what": I WANT A LIFE WELL AND FULLY LIVED!!!!!!

And now, I am well on my way. Four years ago I took that dive, and created a vision of where I wanted to be on my 50th birthday. Almost every one of my goals was realistic, yet so very far from my then reality, they seemed unfathomable to my sad and weary soul. Well guess what? Three and a half years in, I have surmounted almost every one of those formerly unimaginable challenges, and I am damn close to completing the final two.

I can't wait until my 50th birthday, six months from now, when, armed with pen, paper, and more dreams, I imagine my action plan for the next 5 years . Who knows what I can do? I can't wait to surprise myself!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 10/3/2011 7:43PM

    Great attitude and progress. You are fabulous!

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MANLEYSANDY 10/3/2011 2:52PM

    I have a big smile on my face right now reading this! I am so happy to be sharing in your journey! Slow and steady is the way to go!!!

Bravo my friend!!!

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BECKYB73 10/3/2011 11:47AM

    BRAVA!!!!

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BRENDABUNNY 10/2/2011 7:59PM

    Wow I love your attitude it is amazing and with that in your mind you will continue to move mountains and your blog really inspired me alot to just get moving more even if its small steps emoticonBIG emoticonBrenda

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MOONBIRD 10/2/2011 5:06PM

    Like you I am so happy to have gotten to a place in my life where I am not just existing, but living my own life. It feels so great, and knowing that I don't have to be perfect all the time makes it better. We are living a life that is sustainable for the rest of our lives, and so we will succeed.

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NETTIEDEE 10/2/2011 1:17PM

    I am SO HAPPY for you! :-)

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CAROLJEAN64 10/2/2011 12:23PM

    This blog should be read by everyone on Spark. You spirit and attitude are wonderful and infectious. It has given me a big boost. Can't wait to see the post in 6 months.

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YIWEN39 10/1/2011 7:09PM

    What an awesome blog!!! Thank you so much for sharing emoticon
What you wrote, that really hit a chord with me...
emoticon and best best wishes for your birthday and for your next 5 year plan!
I so want to follow your example now!!! emoticon again!
Have a great day :-)
Eve emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CANNIE50 10/1/2011 7:00PM

    "reconcile to a life not lived, or make...changes" AMEN! This is where I was in January, when I committed to SP and making changes to the life I had begun sleepwalking through. Another eloquent expression of what brought you, and I, and others like us, to find one another. emoticon

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THOCK1 10/1/2011 6:55PM

    Good going! You've taken charge, and you're going to succeed.

And I agree about the WTF.

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DESERTFLOWER8 10/1/2011 5:49PM

    I'm sorry but I simply can't resist -- it cannot go unsaid.... @MYBULLDOGS.....WTF?????

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MARLARELLA 10/1/2011 5:32PM

    Oh this just made my heart soar!!! I can so relate to the giving up and just moving through life, getting through the days but completely checking out from anything that truly was "me". I am so thankful to have come out of that place, and I think that one of the (many) reasons that you and I can so connect, is because we have both been to that place and can revel in the feeling of climbing out of it.

I feel like you are approaching your 50th birthday with the same hope and joy as I just approached my milestone birthday. What an amazing feeling to embrace what lies ahead!!

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MYBULLDOGS 10/1/2011 5:17PM

    emoticon

find foods that work with your chemistry. i created this meal on my own. i can't seem to loose weight if i eat any grain products. so one day i experimented.

i make this mixture for breakfast , lunch and dinner. i have lost 31 pounds in 16 weeks. i cook

4 large portabella mushrooms sliced, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, 4 large onions sliced, 2 large green peppers, 3 cans green beans, 1 can rutabaga and 5 sliced chicken sausages.

it makes enough for at least 4 days, three meals a day. total cost is 12 dollars. i buy the mushrooms and chicken at sams club. sounds crazy but it taste good and most importantly it's working. i'm not hungry . if i feel the urge to cheat i go get a fork full of my mixture. i chew very slowly as to enjoy my meal.

i have added a small banana and grapes for my snacks and to be a fix for my sweet tooth.

you can add other foods into your menu. just know what works with your body chemistry.

I have gone from 198 to 167 pounds. i can now fit into a size 14 comfortably. i feel so much better. think of carrying a 2 year old around your waist every minute of every day. no i am not done. on the obese chart i have gone from being obese to just plain fat. my goal is to drop another 22 pounds. then i will be happy, healthy and never allow myself to get in this condition again.

one might say eating the same food every day would get boring. not true. when you look in the mirror and can see the difference it's totally worth it. once i reach my goal i will change my menu. not until then.

portion sizes are critical to your success. exercise has to become a way of life. good luck

emoticon

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Bingeus Interruptus

Monday, September 26, 2011

Re yesterday's blog, case in point:

9:00am - Hurt feelings!
9:01am - Head spinning!-what to do?-ouch!-what to do?-ouch!-hurts!-spiraling!-what to do?
9:03am - Food-fatty food....lots of it...
9:05am - Pizza?
9:07am - Gotta get dressed first-gotta wait for pizza parlor to open...ouuuuuch..
9:08am - Shower...read blogs..read friend feed...get dressed...
9:45am - Chipotle? (self to self: "At least it's quality food"..and still stuff-worthy)..
9:46am - Maybe Chipotle AND M&M's? A long haul numbing? Zone out for hours?
9:47am - Yes, my former demon! I need you! I want you! Ahhh, the comfort of the familiar..
9:48am - Grocery store-M&M's on sale-meant to be! Too far to Chipotle-can't wait...
9:49am - Freezer Aisle -hmmmm, corn dogs? Gross& totally binge-worthy..yes, corn dogs..
10:15am- First corn dog down the hatch-(from microwave)-wait for #2 to brown in oven..
10:30am-Second corn dog down..
10:40am-Check nutrition label..(cos I'm still gonna track it)...
10:41am-Hmmm..crapola food but so far only 460 calories..bit of a surprise..
10:45am-Listen to tinkle of M&M's as 12.6oz. drop into glass bowl..ready for a fix..
11:00am-Uhhhh.....these don't taste so great- kinda full- think I'm done..
11:05am-Measure what remains in bowl- 8.25oz- therefore ate 4.35oz=640 calories..
11:07am-Enter binge into tracker..1100 calories
11:08am-1100 calories????? Day is still salvageable!!

And I'm OK now! My past M.O. was to down that whole baby no matter how damn sick it made me feel, which I had every intention of doing today! Stop eating a bag of M&M's only a quarter of the way through? What?? Like abandoning a lover! ME???? Something's changed...something has definitely changed...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONBIRD 10/1/2011 12:02PM

    I am glad you took control of this. I have had times where I think, "I want to eat this!" and make a big bowl of whatever, and then I don't finish it, or give it to my husband and kids or just throw it out. It's an amazing feeling to realize that food does not control us.

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YINYANGSJM 9/28/2011 7:37PM

    I am so proud of you!!!! Not only did you recognize your feelings and the reason for the binge but you tracked everything and stopped before everything was gone! High fives to you!!!! It is amazing how much our minds work alike, I'm just not as far along as you are with bingeing responsibly....I'm working on it though. Thanks for sharing and letting me know that it can be overcome!!!!

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GO-LOEW 9/27/2011 7:25PM

    So glad that something has changed for you and you were able to stop the binge. I feel the same way....something has changed since I started with Spark, and I am so happy about it. Baby steps!

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CAROLJEAN64 9/27/2011 7:19PM

    I loved reading this. You have such a great attitude and such a wonderful way of sharing your inner monologue.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 9/27/2011 1:03PM

    *FIST PUMP* YOU dear friend are amazing and so strong. In the midst of a binge were your present enough to say enough is enough. LOVE IT!

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NETTIEDEE 9/27/2011 11:35AM

    WOW. Just WOW.

You rock!

Hugs and high fives!

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MARLARELLA 9/27/2011 10:35AM

    *BIG SMILE*

That is progress my friend! I'm proud of you for tracking, and for recognizing that you felt full!

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SUNFLOWER4ME 9/27/2011 9:38AM

    Oh wow. This is so beautiful. I know this feeling, I do - but I generally am not as good as you, I don't stop while I am ahead. God bless ya. I hope something changes with me, too.

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JAHCANNON 9/27/2011 9:28AM

    I'm so impressed. We have all been there. Isn't that really what got us all HERE in the first place?

And I'm humbled that you shared this - very brave. And inspiring. What a great thing you managed. You binged AND stopped. AND didn't totally destroy the day. How COOL is that.

Congrats. :)

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DDESERTDDAWN 9/27/2011 4:08AM

    So i got up the nerve to read this a few hours AFTER reading your 'success' blog and yessss this is success on the other side of the coin. The penny is dropping-- the honesty it takes to share these things is not always pretty, but it is beautiful.

dD emoticon

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SOULFISH80 9/27/2011 1:20AM

    I like this blog, so true, and even in the binge madness you managed to track it all and stay in control. Quite impressive.

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GINA180847 9/26/2011 6:47PM

    Wow, I am so awed by the fact that you did not continue on the binge. I sure know what you mean about the all or nothing syndrome. You are my heroine.

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THOCK1 9/26/2011 6:20PM

    WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!

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60 pounds lost - Reflections from an Emotional Eater

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Yesterday I hit 60 pounds lost. It's a big one for me, because I've not been at this weight since 2003. That's real progress. And I am SO happy about it!! But it certainly does not erase, or even ease the sadness that sometimes engulfs me.

I know I am a person with a highly emotive nature. I often wish I weren't, because it is a blessing and a curse; the passion is beautiful, but also painful. However, it is what it is, and I am learning to better cope with the trials this creates. That is the real purpose of this journey.

With months of practice, I have now developed some confidence in my ability to adhere to my path. I can now experience painful feelings and high anxiety, and know I'll come out the other side. I HATE IT (!!!!!!), but I can do it. It used to be I would quickly squash it with large quantities of fatty food. It never stopped me from feeling, but it did delay and soften the process.

Sometimes I deal with it by blogging. Alot of my blogs have been this brand of catharsis; the stuff needs to be released. Thank goodness for this venue. It is an important piece that was missing in my previous weight loss attempts; not just the writing, but the sharing of it with others who hear it and understand.

Sometimes I deal with it by swimming my heart out. I love how the swimming is sculpting my muscles and strengthening my entire body. Didn't happen overnight-- I've been at it for 2 months, and am just now starting to see the dramatic effects of a slow and steady commitment. I can't believe how much I enjoy the feeling of muscle and strength!

Sometimes I give in to the desire for a food fix. And even that's okay. Because I no longer allow pitstops to keep me off the track for any length of time. It is this, that has been the absolute, number one, critical key to my success thus far. It is cliche, I know, but simply true...no matter how many days I fall, I keep getting back up and right back where I left off. When I look at my tracker and see how many 3500 calorie days I have had in these months, I am amazed that I have lost this weight. In the past, I would be so disappointed in my "failure", that I would give up. Not now. It proves to me that the continual application of good habits works. Stringing together a bunch of good days really does serve as a buffer for the not so good ones. Progress--not perfection.

Thanks for being here, and for listening, dear sparkies. Now, I'm on to "70"!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 9/27/2011 12:57PM

    I'm so happy to be on this journey with you. You are inspiring!

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DDESERTDDAWN 9/26/2011 7:56PM

    Wow wow! emoticon 60 is big.. 60 is a lot! and you have done it. Through thoughtful and feelingfull moments and days and probably seconds = the ones that take patience with yourself and others.

Congrats and thank you for lighting a way!
Whoohoooo and Wow again,
dDawn emoticon



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CANNIE50 9/26/2011 7:12PM

    Beautiful. This makes me happy. I love your "progress not perfection" mantra, one I often live by (in many areas of my life). You have reached a significant milestone. I am so glad to hear about how much you are enjoying your swims, and how well your body is responding.

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MANLEYSANDY 9/26/2011 3:41PM

    Congrats my friend! You are doing awesome!!!

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TRAVELINGLITE 9/26/2011 11:29AM

  That is just so emoticon. You inspire me.
Lynn

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IMSMILEY88 9/25/2011 9:53PM

    Congrats!!! That's great! And, you've come a long way...both physically & mentally. WooHoo!!

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ASHARON 9/25/2011 8:53PM

    Wow, it seems you have learned so much!
emoticon

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MAMADWARF 9/25/2011 8:28PM

    so excited and proud of you!!! that is a huge milestone and you have learned sooo much. Progress not perfection is definatly my motto, too!! HOORAY!!

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MARLARELLA 9/25/2011 11:05AM

    Hip hip hurray!!! For me, the difference between failure and success (or the difference between this time and all the other times) is not allowing a 3500 calorie day to be a failure, just a blip on the big screen. I am so glad to have met you on this journey- keep blogging!

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SOULFISH80 9/25/2011 12:02AM

    Very impressive, glad you have stuck to it. Makes me know I can too!!!

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/24/2011 9:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HOSSIEHOS 9/24/2011 8:46PM

    Great job on figuring out how to keep going strong when you have the occasional 3500 calorie day. Impressive.

P.S. I didn't know you were swimming. I haven't been swimming as part of my weight loss journey, but I LOVE TO SWIM. (I used to swim competitively in my younger years). I so know what you mean when you say that you like how your muscles feel from swimming. It is an amazing achey feeling.

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ALL4MEE11 9/24/2011 4:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIXIEDOODLEDEAN 9/24/2011 4:26PM

    You are so on track nothing can derail you now. Keep encouraging me. I want what you have figured out.

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TEACHLIZARD 9/24/2011 4:23PM

    Congratulations! Way to keep at it. I'm been in this over two years and although I can see my goal - I just can't seem to meet it! I will keep trying and with the help of SparkPeople - one day I will make it.
Thank you for the inspiration. emoticon

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THOCK1 9/24/2011 4:10PM

    Woo hoo! You're doing great. It IS hard to pick yourself up and keep going, and to stop ourselves from feeling like failures. I've been dealing with that these past two weeks, after not having gotten much exercise in because of my migraine episode. But you get back on track, and I will get back on track, and we will both reach our goals, because WE'RE NOT GIVING UP, no matter how frequently or drastically we fall off the path from time to time.

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JUSTPEACHY360 9/24/2011 3:42PM

    Congratulations on the 60lbs down! That is incredible and absolutely motivational. emoticon

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CANBDONE 9/24/2011 3:21PM

    There's nothing sweeter than the Success Spiral...thanks for the spark! If you can I can....I'm down 34...reaching for 40!

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How I Lost The First 50 Pounds

Saturday, September 03, 2011

I started here on Spark in mid-April, 2010 at my all-time high of 338 pounds. I had just celebrated my 48th birthday; (well, not celebrated so much as endured the recognition that yet another year had come and gone trapped in my morbid obesity). I determined to lose 200 pounds by my 50th birthday in April 2012. I had a hunch that Spark was going to be a program that would suit me well, with its emphasis on baby steps. I am a lifelong perfectionist with an "all-or-nothing" mentality, a credo with an application far broader than just weight loss. Raised in a home of conditional, (or absent) love, and demanding expectations, I incorporated harsh standards into my own self evaluation. I had loving kindness for everyone else, but none for myself. I knew I must learn to modify this thinking if I were ever going to overcome the daunting obstacles and achieve the life-changing goals that lay before me...in every single aspect of my life. My philosophical goal, was, (and is), to find rhythm and balance through living by the principles of CONSISTENCY and MODERATION. I know in my heart, that this is the formula which will bring me peace, by soothing my mind, my body, and my very soul....

Fast forward to October 2010 - the first 6 months went well. I lost 43 pounds, and weighed in at 295. But then life threw me some traumatic curveballs, and I turned back to the only coping strategy I knew....numb the pain by gorging on food. I numbed myself all the way back to 325.

By May 23, 2011, the dust in my personal life had settled enough for me to feel up to giving it another go. I decided I would break this massive project in to 3-4 month, seasonal goals. Here is what I idealized for Summer 2011:

1. Establish routines (diet-exercise-water-tracking), & start to feel the rhythm of consistency.

2. Avoid processed foods and white grains.

3. Build to 30 minutes of exercise 5-6 days a week, (from a starting place of zero!)

4. Eat 1400-1800 calories a day.

5. Track calories every day.

Here is what I achieved during Summer 2011:

1. Having been at this for 3 months, the routine has become second nature. I struggle often, and frequently fall off my plan, but it has become HABIT to get back up after each fall. THIS IS KEY! I am developing confidence in my ability to persevere, an attribute that was in short supply prior to this venture! I chant my mantra: CONSISTENCY & MODERATION.

2. To be honest, I don't much care for whole wheat anything. I eat it when I can, but tend to eat that which I enjoy more, and limit the portions or the frequency. While I do indulge my fast food demon, I try to make it Chipotle more often than McDonalds. I eat everything I want, but I really do try to eat nutritious food of high quality whenever I possibly can. I also cook far more than before, and find that makes a HUGE difference. I know my body well, and if I were to cut down on this stuff even more, the weight would come off faster and easier. But I don't want to!! I want to live moderately, and to learn behavior management rather than comply with stringent rules that will stress me out and ultimately backfire. The 80-20 rule hits it just about right for me. CONSISTENCY & MODERATION.

3. Just this last week, I have reached my exercise goal of 30 minutes, 5-6 days a week. I take gentle walks, and I swim. I started with 10 minutes, 3-4 days a week, and have been building slowly. I choose to keep my exertion moderate for the moment, because it is what best fits with my overall philosophy of consistency and moderation. If I work TOO hard, or expect TOO much, I will scare myself off the path. I need a place to go as my weight comes down and my fitness increases. If I max out now, where will I go? This is a long haul process, and best for me to approach in a slow and methodical fashion. CONSISTENCY & MODERATION.

4. My caloric intake over the last 3 months averaged 1870 calories per day. When I set a goal of 1400-1800, it was with the hope that I would average at 1600. I like to bounce around from high to low, both for the metabolic boost, and because it allows me to live my life in a way that's comfortable. I like (LOVE) food, alcohol on occasion, restaurants--and I confess that I am drawn to fast food in a way that embarrasses me. I have partaken of all these pleasures, (as is surely evident from my average calorie intake!) I really do aim to stick to "plan" 80% of the time - - again, because the 80-20 rule supports my philosophy of CONSISTENCY AND MODERATION.

5. Calorie tracking is CRITICAL for me! It surely keeps me mindful. But the surprise benefit, is that it is when I have binged my guts out and my mind is telling me that "all is lost and I am hopeless", the tracker becomes my greatest ally. I do track everything. When my hopelessness tells me I have consumed 10,00 calories, I find out it has actually been 2400..or 3800 ..or whatever, but certainly less than my feeling-like-a-failure-self would have led me to believe. I then take that number and put it in the context of a week, which always softens the edges. I have had 4 weeks this summer, where my caloric averages well exceeded 2000. I then take that week, and put it in the context of a month. The point is, tracking calories serves as a reality check, and allows you to withdraw from a bad moment, and take a birds eye view of a long term project. A bad week, or even a bad month gets softened between the cushions of many weeks and months. The road is long, and we must be able to see beyond the stop sign at the corner to get where we are going. CONSISTENCY & MODERATION.

So, here we are as summer closes. The scale that has been tormenting me for weeks--(down 3 pounds--up 2--down 4-- up 8...)-- it defies logic, because the pounds gained often came after a spell of doing particularly well! That mechanical beast has put me in a miserable mood on more days than I care to count. However, the overall trend was down, and the careful tracking of the last months has allowed me to go back and find patterns. I now believe the obscene and maddening gains are hormonally related, and the scale will always catch up to where it should be. (One would not think it possible to either gain or lose 9 pounds in one week due to hormonal fluctuations, but I am living proof that it is so!). I find it difficult to use inches as a measure because on a monthly basis, the changes are too incremental to be rewarding, and frankly, I am never sure I am measuring in the same spot from month to month.

All of which brings me to today. I hopped on the scale, just "because", and not with an expectation of anything of significance. To my utter shock and happy surprise, I weighed 288 pounds!!! I have been bobbing around 291-295 since August 1, and was very upset when my August 22 read was 299! (Now I know it was hormonal - lesson learned). I have been chasing 288 for what seems like forever! That puts me at 50 pounds lost,(37 since May 23), and 25% of my goal completed. My measurements, as against my initial at 338 pounds, show a loss of 31.5 inches. THAT'S a reward I can see!!

I plan to do better with my calories for fall, (i.e. binge less), to increase my exercise to 45 minutes 5-6 days a week, and to incorporate mild strength training. I aim to lose another 40 pounds by December 31, 2011, for a total loss of 90 pounds. I will not lose the 200 pounds I originally planned to lose by April 2012, due to the lost months of late 2010/early 2011. But, I WILL lose them! And I expect that I will have lost 120 pounds or more by April 2012. Whether I am 50 , 51, or even 55 years old by the time I meet my final goal is really an artificial matter. With each passing month, I am getting stronger, slimmer, and healthier. With each 10 pounds lost I look better, and take greater pride in myself. With each baby step I gain confidence, and self respect.

My Spark friends have been perhaps THE most critical component of my journey thus far. When I rant because the frustration inside me is screaming, they listen. When I am as sad as a human can be, they hug me. When I have success, they cheer. They always let me know if I have in some way helped them! It is through their steadfast support, that I am learning to value myself. I have become more accepting of my imperfections. I am starting to show myself the same loving kindness I show my friends when they struggle.

I have been tuning my instrument, and I've put in many days of practice. I think I hear the overture in my long sought symphony of rhythm and balance...


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMSMILEY88 9/25/2011 9:58PM

    Congrats on the 50!!! That's wonderful. And, I enjoyed reading your post & your insight. You are doing terrific! Just keep taking those baby steps! One at a time will get you where you want to be!

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ASHARON 9/25/2011 8:57PM

    Way to go and congrats. You seem to be on the right track even if you go off track.
Hugs

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SWEETWELSHCAKE 9/12/2011 6:12AM

    Well done!! :) emoticon

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/6/2011 11:35PM

    I could have written this blog myself, it sounds so like my story! Even our weights are close (my highest was 320 and I am now at 269, although 14 pounds was lost before SparkPeople). I also have the yo-yo scales and have to take it in baby steps. You're so right, consistency and moderation are the keys!!

Can't wait to read your second 50 pounds lost blog!
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MANLEYSANDY 9/6/2011 4:15PM

    I am so happy for you! You are doing WONDERFUL! Slow and steady is the best, but hard for the perfectionist (we are so much alike). I have to fight that all or nothing attitude all the time, but I knew that was one of the reasons I had been so unsuccessful in the past.

Slow and steady, one day at a time! I know you WILL reach your goals!!!

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XXOO
Sandy

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KITZMILLERH 9/5/2011 8:50PM

    emoticon

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HOSSIEHOS 9/5/2011 7:50PM

    Way to go!! You must feel so wonderful to have lost 50 pounds!! I mean, fifty pounds, wow! That is quite the accomplishment. You should definitely take a moment to savor your success and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Congratulations!

Fro
m,
Matt (Marla's husband)

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DOODIE59 9/5/2011 6:41PM

    Here's to consistency and moderation -- cheers! And congratulations on your weight loss. You have got to be feeling better:) Way to go --
Deirdre

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STANBUSH 9/5/2011 5:17PM

    "I am starting to show myself the same loving kindness I show my friends when they struggle. "
I never really understood these lyrics until lately..
---------------------------

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
-------------------------------
-----------

Weigh To Glow - Sparkler!

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CANNIE50 9/5/2011 4:45PM

    What a significant milestone. There is so much in this blog - so many important points, and so much to relate to. I am so happy you are seeing the fruits of your labor. emoticon

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MARLARELLA 9/5/2011 2:40PM

    You are amazing and kind and I am so glad to be "here" with you to celebrate your wonderful accoplishments!!

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ESHERRILL3 9/4/2011 5:18PM

    emoticon Fantastic! You should be so proud of yourself!

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CAROLJEAN64 9/4/2011 12:49PM

    Wonderful blog.... particularly those 2 words.... consistency and moderation!!

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MAMADWARF 9/4/2011 12:08PM

    congrats on the big 50! thank you for this blog today too, because I needed to hear about consistancy and moderation and to keep going. Thanks!

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SUSANHGREENE 9/4/2011 7:16AM

    What an uplifting and inspirational blog!!! I have also lost 50 with SP and experienced the ups and downs you noted here...it's a journey and we have so much to learn on the way! Congratulations and good luck on the rest of your journey!!!
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DRB13_1 9/4/2011 5:53AM

    Thanks so much for sharing your lessons learned with us!

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ANDYLIN90 9/4/2011 2:44AM

    This is an excellent, well written blog that shows remarkable insight. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD for YOU! I do identify with so much you have learned about yourself...truly consistency and moderation are the answers to long term weight loss success. I'm standing clapping and cheering for you in your continuing journey.
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FREETHEGODDESS 9/4/2011 1:58AM

    My mantra, "Small changes lead to great accomplishments!" You are living proof of it. Congratulations on your 50 pound weight loss and your positive attitude!
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KAMAPERRY 9/3/2011 10:51PM

    You know so much about your self, and you are being reasonable and balanced, I love it. Congrats on your loss too!

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TUBLADY 9/3/2011 10:44PM

    Congratulations. You are doing it your way and it's working for you.
Stay positive, stick with your plan, the days just get better as time passes.
Take care,
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STLSUE01 9/3/2011 10:10PM

  Congratulations! What a great and inspiring post! I look foward to journeying with you.

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KITT52 9/3/2011 9:52PM

    the positive is you lost 50 pounds and your still here trying trying trying....this is a life time journey

good luck, never give up.....



be proud of what you have done and what you will continue to do....it's one day at a time

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LULUTU 9/3/2011 8:23PM

    Congratulations - great post!

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RIDMYCOCOON 9/3/2011 7:47PM

    emoticon

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JESSICA2140 9/3/2011 7:24PM

    :) 50 lbs is 50lbs...whether or not it's the last 50 or the first 50, it's a HUGE accomplishment!!!

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FAITH2BWELL 9/3/2011 7:12PM

    Way to go sweetness, You have encouraged me to just keep going. So I say the same to you. Keep up the good work.

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SOULFISH80 9/3/2011 6:46PM

    This is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. This long and winding road we are all on has many vista points and this blog, for me, is one of them. Thank you for opening a window into your journey. You give me so much motivation. Thank you for your support, and congratulations on all the little steps you have taken to get you where you are today.

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GINA180847 9/3/2011 5:59PM

    I was totally mesmerized as I read this blog. You have come so far and learned so much. I am going to watch for you from now on; the journey you are on is riveting. Eventually you should turn this into a novel. You write well and you are so honest with yourself and the world. As for myself, there is a lot I could learn from you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THOCK1 9/3/2011 5:11PM

    Great post, lady! You're doing a good job. Don't forget that.

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