Friday, July 22, 2011
I'm long overdue for a blog. I wrote one probably two months ago but lost my internet connection and ended up losing the blog. I was proud of it, too...but I'm writing this in a separate program, so it won't be a problem this time.
And a warning: since it has been so long, this will be a little wordy.
I've been on SP for over two years now, and I would do well and stick to a plan for a few weeks, then I'd lose my focus or stop caring or whatever, and I think I only lost two pounds here and there in the past. For a long time I was trying to figure out why I "couldn't" stick to a plan, why I "couldn't" consistently eat well, why I "couldn't" get myself to exercise. I wasted a lot of time that way. It dawned on me in I think April that I overthink things. I spend too much time analyzing and not enough time just doing what needs to be done. After I realized that, I started overthinking my overthinking. It was a really annoying cycle that wasn't getting me anywhere any faster than the original overthinking was.
I don't know what clicked, what was the "inspiration" to just shut up and do it. I had a few discussions with NOTABOUTHEFACE and she said what I've seen on here a lot since - Fake it till you make it. That and other things I read in blogs or articles apparently started making a difference. At the beginning of May, I just freaking did it. I started using my Gazelle a few times a week. I started tracking again. I tried to make better choices with what I put into my body. I always said that I would just overwhelm myself if I did a bunch of things all at once, and "baby steps" are so popular with some people. But maybe a giant leap was actually better for me.
Here's where I turned a corner. I had already lost 12 pounds when I went on vacation to Vegas with my boyfriend. I figured I'd try to make some good choices while I was there, but I knew I'd indulge a bit, and I knew I'd drink a bit too. The week before I went, my parents were in town, and while I ate pretty well (they know I'm being careful with my intake and tried to accommodate), I didn't get as much exercise as I would have liked. While we were in Vegas, I probably made one good food choice and a ton of bad ones. However, we walked a ton, and every night my legs were sore. I weighed myself the morning after I got home, and had only gained about a pound. I was so excited! That week I got my daughter back from her dad's, and we had a full schedule that didn't make me want to work out at all. I got more or less back on track with my eating, but I didn't start tracking again right away. Then last week, I hopped back on the Gazelle. I didn't even do 30 minutes, but I was glad I started doing something again. I started tracking for the most part. The corner turned? I didn't just decide I don't care, or just say I lost my spark, or just give up because I was off track for about 3 weeks. I didn't do it right away, but I continued my healthier ways. I'm not sure if I just changed that much, or if I refused to ruin the progress I'd made since it was more than ever since I've been on SP. I guess it doesn't matter, as long as it happened! No more overthinking if I can help it.
However, I have some frustrations. I took measurements in May, and then approximately a month later. No change. Wha? I felt a difference in how my clothes felt, but the measuring tape didn't work with me. Perhaps I didn't measure in the same spot, I've always struggled with that, but it was still frustrating. That same day that I measured the second time, I went clothes shopping with a good friend who I knew would be honest about how things looked on me. Annoying thing - I didn't change sizes. My old size 14 work pants were practically falling off, and what did I buy? New 14s that didn't fall off. I know there's the whole vanity sizing thing and differences among stores and all, but I tried different brands and different stores, and nothing lower than 14 fit. Sometimes the 14s didn't fit. It was aggravating and annoying, but at least they fit better and felt better, so I got them anyway. Lastly, only one person has noticed that I've lost weight without me saying anything first. That was a great compliment, and I know it's only 13 pounds so far, but even I can see a little change.
Anyhoo, what I've learned/what has miraculously happened over the last few months:
* If it's too much trouble to track (too many ingredients, too many question marks about portion sizes, etc), I try to avoid it. I want to be honest with myself, and if I can't accurately track the nutrition, I don't want to deal with it.
*I rarely eat when I'm not hungry anymore. I used to eat for comfort, out of boredom, all the usual stuff. Somehow, that kind of went away. I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I really don't mindlessly eat much anymore.
*I stand taller and carry myself better. I didn't really notice until someone told me I was doing it, but come on, slouching makes one look fatter anyway.
I'll stop here, if you've made it this far, you get a goodie. I'm just so glad I have changed for the better, and while I have more to work on, I feel like I have a strong foundation to keep me going.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
So here I am again, at the beginning of the year, thinking about what needs to change and so on.
I have a few things that are making me want to get myself together a little more than before. First of all, health. I did a health screening offered by work a few months back - they did basic tests and give insurance discounts for being in the proper ranges for the things they test. They checked my blood pressure and took blood for glucose and cholesterol. The blood pressure was okay, not what I'd like, but within the desired range and fairly normal. I finally got the blood test results back last week. The good news is that my fasting glucose level was good. Since my dad has type 2 diabetes, it's the kind of thing I keep an eye on. The bad news is...the cholesterol is way too high. Good gracious, I'm going to be 29 tomorrow, I shouldn't have high cholesterol! But guess what, shockingly, my diet is full of horribly unhealthy food. And I don't exercise. So, surprise surprise, I'm in bad shape.
Secondly, my dear friend and her boyfriend became engaged over the weekend. I've known her for about 15 years, and she's been with him for almost 11. It's about time they got married. Anyway, they haven't set a date yet, but she said it'll be sometime this year. Now, while she's going to keep things very simple (in her words, the idea of planning a wedding makes her "slightly nauseous"), the day will still be about her, and him, and their union. But you know what, I wanna look good. I need to be wearing something that looks less like a tent and more like a pretty dress.
Third, I'm getting tired of my pants getting tighter. I don't want to go up another size. I'm scared to get dressed tomorrow, I've been off work for the past 5 days, and I haven't been watching my intake at all. I'm hoping the stupid pants button. I have plenty of clothes in smaller sizes that I haven't gotten rid of, and I can't afford to buy new stuff, so it only makes sense to just get into the stuff I already have.
As usual, I'm not making any plans, exactly - I always feel like a failure when I don't do them. But I need to change my habits. I don't want to sit here and make excuses about why I eat poorly and why I don't exercise, I'm simply lazy and enjoy delicious food that clogs my arteries. I'm very impatient and I very much crave instant gratification. Losing weight takes forever, food tastes good now. I have no friggin' idea what I need to do to get over that, but something's gotta give. And if I keep it up, that something will be my heart.
All I ask of those of you who read this is support and encouragement, and perhaps a kick in the pants when it seems necessary.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving! I've had a much better year than I did in 2009, so I have more to be thankful for. So, I felt like sharing what I'm thankful for with you all.
I'm thankful for a beautiful, healthy, happy, delightful little daughter who is the light of my life. Though I feel like a terrible mom sometimes, frankly, I've done a good job with that little girl. She's a joy and I'm thrilled that I have her.
I'm thankful for a loving and supportive family. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, my brother and I get along really well, and they're all so helpful and I feel so lucky to have them.
I'm thankful for my fantastic friends who are always there for me. I have some really awesome people in my life who I have a great time with and talking to them always gets me though whatever issue I'm having, if I'm having one.
I'm thankful for an amazing man who has made his way into my heart. If you'd told me a year ago that I'd be with him, I'd tell you that you needed mental help. But he's so good to me and makes me feel better than I have in years. The 1500 miles between us is a pain in the rear, but I would rather do the long distance than not have him at all.
I'm thankful for my home, where I'm safe, warm (or cool, depending on what time of year), and comfortable. I need to make a few improvements, but it's a good place and I'm happy here.
I'm thankful for my kitty. She's a crazy nut, but loving.
I'm thankful that my daughter's dad and I still get along and we don't fight about custody or anything, we just agree and it all works out. He's an idiot for the mess he's gotten himself into, but at least that mess isn't interfering with how we relate. And he's a great dad.
I'm thankful that I'm more or less healthy. I'm still not having any luck getting myself into the whole weightloss mindset, which annoys me like you wouldn't believe, but I'm alive and kickin', able to get up everyday and do what I have to do, and take care of my little one. I'm still waiting for my blood test results that were checking my cholesterol and glucose levels, but I think I'm okay.
I'm thankful for coffee and Coke Zero.
I'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones. I'm also thankful for Spark, though I'm not making progress, I'm glad there's a place to go to keep me thinking. And the people on here are super. Enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I just had the most enjoyable week and vacation that I've had in ages. Tim (AKA Mr. St. Louis) came to visit me again. He got here Monday afternoon and just left tonight The only problem was that I ate terribly and there wasn't a lot of exercise, but I enjoyed myself so much I don't really care.
I had to work for a half day on Tuesday since I only had 3 1/2 days of vacation left. So when I got home around 12:30, Tim was wearing his work clothes (we work for the same company, which is how I know him) and he knows I love seeing him in a shirt and tie. I didn't change and we headed out for lunch. When we got back, I found that not only had he made the bed for me, he put a small box of chocolates by the pillows. How sweet is he?! Oh, AND they were truffles - no nuts - he knows I don't like nuts.
On Wednesday, we started our road trip - Vegas, baby! We stayed at the Stratosphere because he found a deal for something like $32 a night. I was a little concerned because it's not one of the fancy casinos and it's way up at the north end of the strip, but it was awesome. The room was simple, of course, but it had a nice big flat screen TV, it was clean, the AC worked perfectly (we've had issues with hotel room AC in the past, so that's one of my things now), and the bed was AMAZING. So comfortable, huge, perfect.
That night we got dinner at the 50s style diner they had there, the food was eh, the chocolate milkshake Tim got was fantastic, and I quite enjoyed my root beer float. Biggest problem that we both failed to notice was the "live entertainment." I'm not a fan of the staff grabbing a microphone and singing as they walk around and bother people. Tim and I are both kind of anti-people, we like to be left alone, so we were both a little uncomfortable worrying about whether the girl in the poodle skirt would be coming to our table. We were left alone, though, thank goodness.
Thursday night we were on a quest for a casual steakhouse. Everything we saw looked like they were pretty fancy, and we only had tshirts and jeans with us. We asked the concierge if there was a place nearby, and they said that the Golden Steer was just around the corner, about a half mile walk. As I walked up and saw the outside, I pictured the inside to be full of cowboy types and server girls in Daisy Dukes, but as I should have suspected from the Lamborghini parked out front, it was quite hoity toity. The waiters were wearing tuxes! They weren't very busy, though, and we weren't scruffy and dirty, so they seated us. Behind the wall to hide us, but still. I looked at the menu and saw the prices and almost lost my appetite. But I got an 8 oz filet mignon and a twice baked potato. Holy freaking crap, that was the most tender, delicious steak I think I've ever had. The potato was quite tasty too. Tim got the "jumbo" baked potato, and it was HUGE. The size of at least 2 large baked potatoes. And he almost finished it. He's such a boy. Anyway, I'm glad we had a walk back to the hotel so we could work a little bit off.
Oh yeah, I'm ashamed to say this, but I will. Breakfast every morning was Krispy Kreme. It was so sinfully good. And they had coffee for me. I was happy.
We had originally planned to leave on Friday, but we were having such a good time that we decided to stay Friday night too. Darn good thing, because after taking the monorail down to the south part of the strip and hanging out down there, we got back and started playing some slots. Tim had done pretty well Thursday night, but lost it all again. Lemme tell ya, I was ON FIRE Friday night. I could have come home with more if I hadn't gotten all greedy, but I ended up with a voucher for $212.50 which I cashed out right before I left. So all in all, I ended up with about $110. I never win, I was so excited. However, there was the guy who was sitting right around the corner from us until we moved to different machines who won the jackpot, $1.8 million. I was a little jealous. He looked kind of dazed, it was pretty funny.
We got back Saturday night and did nothing but lie around like bums for the next almost 24 hours. I won't tell you the rest of my food choices because it's boring (but you really don't want to know how much pizza I've eaten this week). However, I will tell you how amazing Tim is. Even though I feel like a whale, he loves me and thinks I'm sexy as I am. I feel so lucky that we ended up like this. We are so much alike, which worried me at first, but we were thinking alike all week, and finding each others stupid jokes funny, and it was so much fun. We spent something like 138 hours together and it never got old. Happy girl.
Of course, now he's gone, and I'm sad. I understand if no one even reads this all the way through, I just wanted to get it out so I could relive it again. So now I need to refocus on me and what I need to do to work on this body. I'm sure I gained a few pounds, possibly several, I'm facing the scale tomorrow morning. I also need to eat some veggies, my insides are begging for them. Therefore, back to normal life and responsibilities. Sigh.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Well, I've been something of a stranger lately. I've not been a model sparker. But a new month is around the corner.
So in the past few months, I've spent more time with Mr. St. Louis (named Tim) and have fallen pretty hard. While the distance makes things difficult, I want to see where we can go. He's pretty amazing, and he likes me how I am. Of course, I don't like me how I am. But that's another paragraph.
I've also been a big pile of I Don't Care. I haven't cared about what I've eaten, I haven't cared about trying to exercise at all, and it's showing. In my thighs, hips, tummy, arms...I don't even want to know my measurements. I haven't hidden from the scale, though - I'm 2 pounds away from where I was after I had Reilly. 5 years ago. That makes me so mad at myself. How could I have just given up on myself? I know there are deep down mental/emotional issues that contribute to that, but I haven't dug them up yet, and I can't afford therapy.
I hate looking in the mirror because I can't stand my reflection. I hate getting dressed because I can feel how things don't fit like they should. I hate feeling draggy and lazy and unmotivated. And I really hate knowing that I'm the only reason for all of it. I want to change, and it's obviously not happening by eating whatever I want and sitting on the couch all the time. What a shock, eh? I've been thinking today about that whole "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" thing. Hey, maybe today if I lay around and stuff my face with Wendy's, I'll lose 6 pounds! Not so much.
I'm not making myself any promises, because the last thing I need right now is to let myself down. I'm not making a goal plan for September, I'm not going to plan out meals and workouts. I'm just going to do what I need to do, one day at a time. I know planning is important, but I need to try it a different way so I (hopefully) don't feel like the world's biggest failure. I'm a pessimist, I have an annoying tendency to expect the worst.
That said, today I tried to make decent food choices. I can no longer access SP from work (idiots...) and I was having difficulty with the Blackberry app, AND I can't get a good signal in my office, so I didn't track today. Hopefully I've solved the app issue, I'll see if I can get that to work tomorrow. I also did 30 minutes on the Gazelle. So tomorrow, I'll start again.
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