Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I had a complete mental breakdown yesterday. It wasn't triggered by anything, it was just the weight of everything finally breaking through. Again. Times like this I HATE being so dang poor, because I think I honestly need medical mental help with deal with my depression and anxiety but there's just no way I have access to something like that.
I know my feelings are irrational and make no sense and "it's not the end of the world," but that doesn't help me cope. I KNOW they're messed up, but that doesn't mean I can suddenly CONTROL them. It just makes me feel even worse about it all when it happens over and over and I'm powerless to control myself or fix what's clearly broken.
I pretty much gave up entirely the last few days just because it's hard to even make myself get up in the morning. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but right now that's FAR easier said than done. I think I'm going to half give up on the food side of things, but I'm going to try and move more...it'll be better than nothing and might be all I'm capable of right now. I need to get my feet firmly planted underneath me before I can walk steadily and I really don't want to keep collapsing.
I'm going to TRY to eat healthier, and I'm GOING to exercise more.
If I don't have power over much of anything in my life right now, I can at least try to control that ONE thing, right?
Monday, October 07, 2013
No wonder I had such a terrible week/weekend...female troubles decided to go "Ohai we missed you!" XD No wonder I'm feeling EXTRA stressed and yucky, right? At least I didn't have work--I just have a tiny job right now, but I'd hate to make a horrible first impression by not being able to physically function during my first days on the job! ....I swear, I'm going to lose jobs in my life because of how awful my cramps debilitate me. Not that any doctors believe me when I tell them what happens.
Anyway, this week I'm going to get back to actually trying to be healthy again. It might be slow over the next couple days while I deal with...stuff...but I'll get there. It's one step at a time, right? Luckily, I may be slowly convincing my mom to at least semi-join me in getting healthier...she's really liked the SparkRecipies I've made so far and was blown away by the crustless quiche I made last week (she even asked if she could claim the leftovers so she could take it to lunch the next day!). We'll see how things pan out.
I really need to ask her if she can help deter me from buying garbage (it's like I have an addiction with the cravings I get for junk food!), but figure out how now to sound like a parent scolding a 5-year-old....'cause that just ends up making me feel angry and wanting to rebel again, which doesn't help anyone or anything. It'll be a tricky conversation to have.
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
Okay, overate a bit yesterday. Learned that I need to weigh and record some of my food beforehand rather than enter the information later and be floored at how many calories that means. I need to invest in plastic wrap...I have a digital scale I bought for estimating shipping costs on items, but I think it'll be a nice addition to my tiny spring scale for smaller items that call for only a few ounces or grams. If I wrap the scale in plastic I won't have to worry about the food touching it and both getting all icky. .....Then again, I guess aluminum foil works too, and we already have a roll and a half of that in the house. */rambling*
Next time an issue comes up with the food thing, I'm going to talk to my mom about it. I just need to make sure I keep myself in check so I don't escalate things into an argument like I'm prone to do when it comes to my mom...I love her, but our communication issues get me so hot-headed so quickly that I just make things worse. And it doesn't help that I haven't lived with her full-time in nearly a decade. A [non-confrontational] teen and their mom butting heads is one thing, but a mom and her mid-20s daughter who's been finding her spine over the years butting heads is a different story entirely. I have to make sure I help things get better instead of making them worse.
Also missed my walk yesterday. Will do so today...after I eat. I'm starving and due to a mini technological crisis this morning that took some time, I haven't had my breakfast yet.
Monday, September 30, 2013
I'm intentionally "going off the wagon" for a few days. I'm trying to reset my sleeping schedule and it's really messing with me. Once that's taken care of I can make sure my body is okay to handle things again. The sleep alone is really messing with me, so if my body says it's hungry, I'm going to feed it without worrying what meal it is.
Also, I think losing weight with my mom with me is going to be HARD. I broke and ate a bunch of Cheetos I found....I certainly didn't buy them. I try to make smaller dinners and mom asks what the side is going to be because what I made isn't big enough. Boxes of cookies are brought home so often I'm having (literally, that's the scary part...) borderline withdrawl symptoms when I can't access processed sugar and desserty treats. I eat a Lean Cuisine and she says that it's not a full meal because it's too small and 300 calories is too small for a meal ((not when I have a terrible snacking problem it isn't! D:)) and that the Lean Cuisine should be considered the SIDE DISH to a bigger meal.
And then later says "We need to come up with a PLAN to lose weight!!!" ....I have one. I've suggested the website. I've tried to cut back on things. I've been trying to ease into exercise. All while dealing with a LOT of stress, anxiety, and motivation-killing depression. I've been trying, but I feel like things are sabotaged at every turn...I'm having so much trouble trying to not give in to my self-induced temptations that I don't need SO many outside ones, and THEN reminded how I should lose weight and get a job and I'm not keeping the house up like (I know) I should be. I'm trying, even if it doesn't look like it!! Can you HONESTLY say the same?
I LOVE my mom to death, but living with her is stressful when I'm dealing with so much other stuff on top of trying to get better. I don't know what else to do/say to make things better. I don't want to give up, but the temptation to is there...I just have to make sure that if there's one temptation I WON'T give in to.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I just tried out the 10-Minute Cardio Kickboxing Workout video and, while I couldn't do *everything* in the workout yet, I'm really proud of myself and when I was done I was sweating! I feel like I DID something and it was fun!
I have orientation for my "job" this Saturday...I'm getting paid less to wake up earlier for a dead-end job that seems to value those in my position less than the last place I worked. Needless to say, I'm not excited, but some better is better than no money I guess. I can't accept jobs in my actual field to start my career now anyway (I really don't want to get into that mess on a public blog, but you can guess it's a huge source of frustration and stress and anger for me right now), so I have to take what I can get.
I may still need to eat less and earn more money and not be so stressed, but at least I'm working on getting more exercise in! I found out today that the street we're on is actually a giant loop so I can't even get lost! The entire route is just under 2 miles--I can do that! I've hiked up and down steep forest inclines for wildlife work....a 2-mile flat sidewalk walk is a piece of cake! I think I'm going to go do that now, actually...that way I'll still have time to make dinner before mom gets home from work. Toodles!
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