Monday, August 01, 2011
Seems I have been needing to get back here for a while. I really do enjoy blogging so I have no idea why I have let this get away from me. Really I have let SP get away from me and that is truly bad idea #1. I've made some bad choices as of the last 2 weeks and I am paying for it. I have had a stall in my weight loss. Mind you I have not gained I've stalled and to me that is almost as bad. I actually expect this week to go nearly the same and that sucks. I shouldn't have trouble staying in my calorie range though. I work midnights all week and typically only end up finding time to eat twice, sometime around 2 am and then sometime around 5 pm. Not ideal by any means but it is what it is and I've learned around here that sometimes you just have to work with what you have got. I have so many thoughts running around my head I just plain don't know which ones to put on paper. Maybe I can list some with brief discussions. Nah too formal. I guess you will just get to ride this train of thought where ever it may roam. Hope you don't plan on a quick trip. My train doesn't have straight tracks :) So I have a big accomplishment that I didn't make it back here to talk about. I got my test scores and I was sure that I only passed that thing by maybe a question. Oh no! I smoked that exam! Like seriously! I needed a 400 to pass and I came in at 491 I couldn't believe it. I had to call one of my bosses I was so excited. I wish that things like this would give me a little more faith in me. Man I wish I could request an emoticon. I would like one that shrugs. or waves. That was a total train derailment sorry. I only got 1 1/2 hours of sleep this afternoon before my midnight shift so I'm totally not with it. I'm here and functional but easily distracted. I've had oh so much fun here at work. I swear one of the ladies I work with is totally disfunctional with my analyzer. I am in charge of one machine and the same lady keeps screwing it up. She has cost me so much in supplies it makes me want to scream. All I can do is keep trying to clean up behind her. UGH! You have no idea. I really can't stand her anymore. As if I'm not annoyed enough with her already she has been in a really bad mood and has been down right mean anyway. Plus she is wearing this new old lady perfume that STINKS!! and it aggravates my asthma. I wish she would just leave. She says all the time that she doesn't need this job so get OUT!! I'll hold the door--really. Holy snots--the Mr Rogers neighborhood song is running through my head. Where did that come from. Man I really am overtired. Went out last night. We were out at a grown up part till 10pm Really this should shock you it has been FOR-ever. I even drank (gasp) I enjoyed it but kept thinking of the calories which did make for a bit of a downer. It was our local all class reunion. It was a new concept and one hell of a party. So much better than a single class reunion. 2 bands, lots of food, limo rides home for the drunkies or for beer runs. First time I've ever been in a limo. My sister-in-law was going on a beer run and I tagged along just to say I did. I got pics too it was fun. I drank a whole 4 "beers" ( I drink bacardi mojitos) that was plenty I could have downed a whole gallon of water this morning. Today we went to adventure island and played. My mom, sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law and hubby and the kiddos all went. It was HOT really too hot to be out there but you always figure that stuff out too late. We did have fun. I got a little burnt and more poor bubby is covered in heat rash. I double checked with the nurses upstairs to see if that is what it is. He just finished up some antibiotics today so I was worried about an allergy but they agreed probably not. I'm pretty annoyed with my sister and the BIL but I probably shouldn't be. My BIL babysitts for us so that is where the whole problem starts. He is unemployed so he watches my kids. Now my "dad" is trying to get him into the labor union with him. If he does that I'm out a sitter. Puts me between a rock and a hard place. I'll try to explain. See my sister is pregnant. Shouldn't matter to us really but here is how it all ties in. If he goes to work with "dad" it will be out of state. He won't be here with my Sis and she won't handle that well at all especially being PG. To top it off I could lose a sitter at the drop of a hat litterally oh by the way I can't be here tomorrow kind of thing. They can't afford to not have him work for us. They really need the money he could make with "dad" but IDK how they are going to handle the lifestyle or putting their newborn in daycare. I just don't think they truly understand what that is going to cost. Nor do I really think they care right now. I really think they just have $$ signs in their eyes. No really I've been there done that. My hubby worked with "dad" and it is a slippery slope. Its a labor union type of thing. The $$ is good really good. Thing is it could be coming in this week at $2000 a week and next week be gone. Then it could be months before more work. We got in a big mess with it and I never saw my hubby and that was bad on a few levels. We did some dumb kid moves and really screwed ourselves over. My sister already doesn't trust him and that is not really my business either but IDK how she is going to be able to let him trot all over the US just to get $$. He'll never see her or the kid. She will be basically doing this alone and she is not that type of kid. (she is 26) I think it is a highway to disaster and so does my hubby but nobody else does so IDK (insert shrug here) All I can do is get super exasperated by it all because of the pickle it leaves me in and that sucks too because I'm bringing in the what about me angle. It really ticks me off! Might as well be honest about it. I know that they are going to need money while she is off work to have this kid. I truly am trying to see their side of this but alas I'm still ticked. Finding a babysitter here sucks. More like S-U-C-K-S!!! Anyway... we had a daycare--hated it got J to watch the kids and now IDK what to do. We don't even have a sitter for a night out how on earth am I going to find one full time now. The "structured" daycares around here don't work. I have midnight shifts and from what I can tell they don't open early enough. None of them have flexible hours. I basically need a place that I can bring the kids to when I need to on a time clock type dealy. I pay when they are there and they are there when I need them to be. That doesn't exist. So I have to find somebody I don't know to come to my house that I can trust with my 2 kids all hours of the day that can come any time of the day and stay as long as needed and still do it within my budget. Can you say oh nuts with me. Yeah it sucks and I am stressing BIG time about it. To top it off my BIL needs the money so bad that I'm stuck. He wants to stay watching the kids until "dad" gets him this job but I need to find a sitter now to be ready. How do I go about recruiting somebody who can fill the availability that I need that can start on the drop of a hat sometime soon--vaguly...? That is what torks me the most. He could leave tomorrow or 6 months from now. How do I prepare for that!!! Really if you know please throw it out there. I want a chocolate cake just typing about it. Seriously the whole thing--just hand it over. No wonder I'm not losing weight. I'm overstressed right now to the max. I don't know how to handle this and my family just makes it worse. Mom says well I can't help you and just supports my sister on it talking her into sending him off. I guess she will have to step in and be there at the delivery and help take care of the brat too. Sorry that was mean I'm sure I'll love my neice or nephew but I'm bitter right now. And my blood pressure is up. ACK!! Alright now onto something else before I give myself a heart attack or stroke. Hey speaking of which I wonder what my lab results were if I can access them. I'm hoping my cholesterol is down. BRB--lol I'm gonna look it up--leagally Nuts they still aren't available. Oh well. My friend and his GF just announced the name they picked out for their baby and I HATE it. It happens to contain one of my biggest pet peeves in child naming. They are naming him Brian Ryder and planning on calling him Ryder from the start. I cannot stand that. That I mean in 2 ways. #1 if you are going to call him Ryder then name him that. If you want dads name in it call him Ryder Brian. #2 all I can think of is a Ryder truck I hate the name really. So as a "good" person I said I loved it and I don't. IDK that he would even appreciate my input anymore anyway. I really should just cut my losses and walk away from that friendship and I wish I could. Maybe just maybe this time I could turn and walk away without looking back....maybe. Sigh! I would say that is a story for another day but what the hell being depressed may be better than pissed right now anyway and I doubt anybody but me will read this far anyway. I need to vent in a big way right now and have nobody "real" to vent to that won't be judgemental. If you are one of my blog buddies I'm sorry you really don't have to read this all unless you really want to. Brian has been my friend since the 8th grade. Our friendship has played out in many different ways over the years. He lived 2 houses down from me. It really was a Taylor Swift kind of I'm just the girl next door kind of thing. Difference is that we dated for a while. Nothing super serious I guess. I say I guess because it could have been. Probably should have been. Whatever...water under the bridge in most cases. Anyway. We were close. Not physically just emotionally if that clears anything up. We kissed that was all ever. Us just wasn't meant to be in that sense. We were perfect friends but not GF-BF kind of a thing. It never would have worked. I know that now. Anyway. This is hard for me can you tell. I loved him. I won't deny that. Actually the truth is I do love him. Not in a boyfriend/husband/whatever kind of way. Like a brother but more complicated. I can't pin it down and I've tried for years. Like your best friend I guess. That is what I've considered him for years. That is really what it was for years. Even when we were both in the military we were there for each other. Never more than a phonecall or letter away. I can't pinpoint exactly where it got ugly. And even that isn't the right word. It never really got ugly I guess. Just disjointed and not right. He has hurt me over the years in many ways. Done things that a best friend probably should not have done. When we were "dating" he slept with one of my friends at his house while she was staying at my house--that was where we learned we could not date. I shouldn't have forgiven him as a friend either. He missed my wedding to chase an old girlfriend. That was one of the worst. Somehow we still stayed close there were other dumb things but they really didn't stand out as much. He got in trouble bad over dumb stuff. I visited him regularly in prison. I went with his mom to pick him up and got him a job after that. Helped him get back on his feet. Before all that I tracked him down in about 2 hours when he went AWOL from the Navy. Talked him into going back before he even got into trouble. Even he was amazed at how quick I found him. He told me then that if anybody could have done it-it would have been me. Damn near inseperable close. He was at my door in 10 mins when my SIL accused my hubby of cheating. Held me up while I cried and got me back thinking straight to sort it all out to figure out that is was the SIL that was lying. Not really relevant at this moment. Anyway ( I think I've said that alot tonight) He moved to Alabama. Got a new GF from up here and she moved there. Now I don't hear from him much. IDK what her deal is. Basically it feels like now that he has her and they are getting married and having a kid that he has no room for me. It hurts a deep and nasty kind of hurt. So why can't I cut and run? IDK I just don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could. There that did it now I've got tears. Beats anger but still sucks. I used to talk to him like I'm talking to you this blank page of internet nothingness. My friends that I cannot see, touch, hear, feel, really know. I appreciate any of you that are here and still reading. I guess on that note I'd better go. About 3 hours have passed since I began writing this. I've been in and out and working during that time not staring at the screen that long. I've got some loose ends to tie up here and the hospital will begin waking up soon and I'll get to go home. Maybe even an hour early if I suck up to my coworker this morning. His name is Bryan--ironic huh. Anyway. (there it is again) I think it has felt good in some strange way to throw this all out there. To show it to someone else and let it out. Maybe this will suffice to stop it from being locked up and maybe I can find some peace. I welcome honest input. Even if you think I'm nuts. I hope nobody here knows the people I speak of in outside life that would suck. Damn I hope I can sleep when I get home. My tired mind is dangerous to me emotionally. It lets things out that are probably better left locked away. Time to go--tomorrow has to be a better day.
edited to lose the vulgarity that comes out when I am mad--I need to lose that language anyway.