Tuesday, August 13, 2013
So most of you know me and probably noticed I have been MIA quite a bit in the last year and a half. At least that! I have been holding things in and didn't want to tell anyone what I was dealing with. I didn't even know in the beginning what was wrong myself and surely didn't want anyone else to see me break down. A couple years ago my wonderful friend Jen spent a lot of time trying to help me become that runner I so desperately craved to be. I pushed and pushed and did really great, but slowly weeks later I started to notice severe pain in my hips and buttocks. This seemed weird to me because at the time I was only 37. I was scared and went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. At first, my doc said I had a pinched nerve in my back and that was it. No big deal..People live with that all the time,Right?? So I tried to continue running,and noticed the pain got worse and sometimes so debilitating I would make excuses to my friend why I could not run. I didn't want her to know I was in horrible pain and how seriously ridiculous that sounded just to me... I mean again, I am not an elderly person, So why am I having a hard time getting up and down from the couch or bed. I went back to my doctor and once again, she said it was probably due to my breast size causing the breast pain. So she gave me some pain medication and told me to only take when I needed it. I found myself falling away from running and from exercising all together because the pain was horrible after ever physical thing I did. About a year later I told my doctor I was scheduled for reduction surgery. I had my surgery done and immediately I felt better.. So, I thought it was all gone..I am ok now..Once the pain med started to wear off, I could feel the pain in the buttocks and backs of my legs..I couldn't even bend down to pick things up and was embarrassed that I had to ask my kids to do it ,Or I would plant my feet wide apart and hold onto something to brace myself. I continued to go back to my doctor and she sent me for more test,blood test ,ect.. So here is the kicker..Six months ago, I found out I have Fibromyalgia.. If you don't know what that is, let me just start by saying, I t is the worst muscle pain I have ever had and I do not have to do anything physical to even get to that point. I told the doc I really want to run again, and she basically told me she advised against it.. So not only was I being told I have an issue that will forever haunt me, But I won't get to be a runner??WTH!!! WHY?? Have I not been through enough in these years. I didn't fall away from the Spark because I didn't love it..I fell away because I didn't know how to be a part of it if I couldn't even figure out how to fix myself, then what could I possible give someone else. But then I read my friend Jens Blog today about the half Marathon she did. And I must say, That was the most inspirational thing I have read in quite a while. I need it because she talked of how she got really ill and felt defeated, But, she never gave up. Then she talk of her foot pain, Throwing up while running when sick, breaking vessels in her eyes..And still, Never gave up! Her determination made me think, you know what..It's not over till I say it is, And I am not ready to give up yet..Who says I can't run..While it may be painful, I will have to learn ways to get around that. It was bad enough that I gained ten lbs right after reduction from being sedentary, but I will not let everything bring me down.. This is still within my control and if it takes me a little longer to get there, OH WELL!!! At least I will get there and can feel that feeling of achievement..Honestly, I just want to be able to do a 5k..That is all I ask for God!! I know many of you would have been there to support me through all I have been dealing with, But I just didn't know how to ask. I recently wrote a post on my face book page saying how it seems like when your face down in the dirt , Someone final ask if your ok..And all you want to do is look up and say. NO, I wasn't ok 2 years ago. Where the heck have you been. But, then I realize , no one knew what was wrong with me..I hid it well..So I am learning how to let go and move on! I got this! And I will not let the pain defeat me..I can honestly say now "No pain, No gain." LOL
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Recently I have learned so many new things about myself..Like I am human and I WILL stumble and make mistakes..BUT, I also know that because I am human I am also able to pick myself back up and continue on my journey to my future. I am not setting goals anymore, Just putting forth effort daily to just do my best in reminding myself what it is that I want to see in my future..No Pressure this time and so far, I am doing great.. I have learned that the only way I can get anywhere is to figure out where it is I am going and remember that there are many detours on the way..Yes, I will probably take a few of them cause I just get too curious..But, I WILL find my way back each and every time and that my friend is enough for me to NEVER quit and Never stop looking for a better route..Have a great journey all of you, and don't forget to look at the scenery around you..You don't want to let it pass you by because of blinders..It may be something useful to your journey:0)
Monday, August 27, 2012
These past few months are really eating me alive, I have had sooo many darn medical issues to dewal with from bursitis in my hip, to having to have teeth pulled and then now having to go back for an abcess in the gum from the removal. And I have had two seperate allergic reactions to medications. I am seriopusly trying not to fall and while I am staying within my range 3 lbs up and down.. I still cannot stop the rollercoaster and get the heck off.. I miss running with Jen, she is the only one who EVER inspired me to not stop or quit. Even my biggest inspirators have moved on and not another word hardley..But, Jen still checks on me and when I post positive thoughts, cheers me on..Thanks Jen, You are probably the only reason I haven't totally given up..Watching your post and your success wakes me a little more each time..I know I cannot Quit, and I will get through this..I just hope it is sooner than later cause this fat girl feeling has to go..I want my identity back and to live life running full force...I know I am complaining, I truley am sorry about that..Just needed to vent..Thanks for listening.....
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