Tuesday, November 03, 2009
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get on to an Oriental rug, or a shagpile carpet.
Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. The guest wont dare push you off and will even call you ínice kitty.í If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say íI love kittiesí, be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into the lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - pens, pencils, erasers - one at a time.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 am.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moisheís Latin wasnít very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I donít know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Sunday, November 01, 2009
IF YOU CANíT FEED EM, DONíT BREED EM!
Constipated People Donít Give A Crap.
If You Can Read This, Iíve Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, Iím Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
(The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
1. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
2. In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a manís picture.
3. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
1. The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
1. "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
1. It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
2. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
3. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
1. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
1. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
1. In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
1. It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
2. It is illegal to whistle underwater.
3. Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Friday, October 30, 2009
1. A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
1. In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
2. It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
1. Unmarried women who parachute on Sundayís will be jailed.
1. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
1. Monkeyís are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
1. In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
2. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
3. In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet HeyWoodey.
1. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
2. North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
3. In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
1. It is illegal to tease skunks.
2. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
1. A State law stipulates that a womanís hair legally belongs to her husband.
2. Under State law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
1. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
1. On Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
2. In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
1. It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
1. People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
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