Friday, September 09, 2011
My attitude is so bad, it's no wonder I can't do what I should with food and exercise.
There's got to be more to it than what's on the surface, but what?
Two weeks ago, I was really looking forward to Bible study (it only meets every two weeks), but DH didn't want to go, so we didn't. Every since then I've felt agitated, grumpy, and trapped. I've done a lot of self talk, but it's not done much good. I've told myself that I could have tried to find it/went by myself, and that what's done is done and I need to just let it go, but apparently I'm not that strong.
So what DID I do? Apparently I decided to punish myself with food. Not only have I overeaten… but I've actually stuffed myself until I was miserable; not one time, but multiple times over the past couple weeks.
It seems the more I feel trapped in all the negativity around me, the more negative I get myself. Bible study group is about the only place I know where I can be around people who are not constantly criticizing everyone and everything.
Of course, as I was typing this, DH called to ask what I wanted to do this evening. My choices are Bible study or the Marigold festival. I told him that I know what HE wants to do, so I might as well make that decision and be done with it (not picking up on any negativity from ME, are you - lol). He said we could go to Bible study; that he just needed to get better at it (being around people that he might have to interact with). I asked what good it would do for me to be there if I had to feel guilty the whole time and he responded with the 'I can go without him' statement that he gave me 24 hours AFTER we didn't go the last time.
Anyway, NOW I'm feeling guilty about being so grumpy with him on the phone - it's a no win situation. So all I've accomplished is the blowing off of a little steam in writing on this blog and verbally to him on the phone. Nothing's changed. Nothing's solved. I thought I'd feel better, but I think I actually feel worse.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Not much new here. Still doing a little exercise most mornings and still making poor food choices. I’d like to think what others think/say don’t bother me, but I really think at least one person, who openly voices that a healthy life style is unreasonable is starting to get to me. For the most part though, I think I’m just procrastinating the wrong things. At one time I used to choose the good stuff, telling myself that ‘maybe next time’ I will order the not-so-good stuff. Now it’s the other way around. Ugh!
No change here either. I guess the thing that bugs me the most is the shoulder, which still hurts whenever I move it wrong. Problem is… it never seems to act up when I’m at the physical therapist’s.
DD: Update on DD and the secret shopper thing. I got a PM from someone telling me it is a scam, and sure enough it is. Fortunately DD has a good head on her shoulders. She deposited the check, but decided not to follow through on the first assignment (which was to wire $1400 through Western Union) until the check cleared. It only took about 2-3 days for the bank to figure out the check was a counterfeit. Whew! That could have been a disaster.
MOOD: We are (supposed to be) a part of a group Bible study that meets every two weeks. Even though I put it on my calendar, I do sometimes forget. Other times, we have something else going on that prevents us from attending. Well, last Friday, I not only remembered, but we had nothing else pressing… so I was really looking forward to attending. About an hour before we would have left home, DH asks if I’d mind if we skipped it this time. I kept my thoughts to myself, but the more I dwelt on it, the worse my mood got.
By the next morning I was pretty close to melt-down mode. Between DH’s depression and continual complaints about how bad his work place is and all the drama that takes place at my work place (which has been extra bad this past week), I was really, really looking forward to being somewhere where people we cheerful and have a positive outlook. Not to mention a place where we could have people praying for us.
I’ve pretty much decided to give up on the group and not even mention it anymore; going once every two to three months is not a good feeling. I feel trapped in one of those rodent exercise wheels…. to work every Monday through Friday, then working at our house, the rental house, or one of the kids’ houses. It’s very rare for us to do anything with anyone else. I do occasionally see a movie with a friend from work, but it’s just not the same as having DH included or being somewhere where you actually interact with others.
Okay, I’m done whining. I need to just focus on what I “CAN do instead of what I CAN’T and be happy where I am.
DS#2 : Believes he’s going to receive a promotion at work. He says the interview went well, and was telling me will have to dress differently in the new position. He already had what he was going to do worked out. I offered to help by getting him some shoes. I don’t want to see him trying to be on his feet for 10 hours straight in cheap dress shoes. Of course, as usual, that snowballed and I ended up getting him some shirts too. I feel good about it though. I got him 2 expensive pair of shoes on clearance and 2 nice shirts on sale; all together I only spent about $165 for over $400 worth of stuff – thanks to the little plastic cards in my wallet – lol. It’s been a long time since I’ve charged anything and it’s for a good cause. :-)
Saturday I had to drive a little over an hour to pick up DS#2. I was not looking forward to the alone time with myself, fearing that I would just dwell on it, creating a snowball effect. Fortunately the alone time proved to be a good thing; it gave me the cool down time I needed. I thought about the REAL answer to my problems. I need to let go and let God. The hard part is doing it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Part of me feels like I need to get back to blogging regularly. Another part says I don't like to blog negativity and most my thought are either negative or depressing, so just forget it. AND I like my blogs to be organized, but my thoughts are so scattered these days, I doubt that would happen either.
What the heck, let's give it a try ;-)
I've had the hungries for the past couple days or so and having a hard time restricting my eating to only (mostly) healthy selections. I keep telling myself its okay for me to order something sweet for breakfast on the weekends, because, after all, I don't eat that way all week, right? lol Actually many days I do make it work (for the most part), but then other similar choices pop up. For example: the bread at Avanit's Italian Restaurant is something I should pass on, but I can rationalize that I'm stressed and a little bread just THIS time will be okay.
Funny, but at one time these decisions were easier. I would count the cost instead of the instant gratification. If I saw candy on sale, I would tell myself 'lol, oh, look, I can get fat for less!' Or for things like bread, I would remind myself of the proper nutrition I need to build a better/healthier body.
Shoulder still hurts when ever I move it wrong. Some days I can do the exercises with no problem. Other days it feels bad to try the exercise without ANY weights, let a lone with them. Taking off my lab jacket or trying to fasten/unfasten a bra is a real chore to do without hurting. And forget trying to stretch; that hurts every time.
Back still gets tired, but it's actually feeling a little better.
Knees still feel unstable. Makes it a bit worrisome to try to many movements.
Warning: TMI. …. Constipation seems like it MIGHT be a little better. I finally broke down and started taking a stool softener, but I really don't think that's all of the problem. Maybe some day, finances permitting, I'll get it checked out. Hopefully it's just my innards drooping from having three kids.
I'm concerned about DD. Her finances suck and she recently made application to be a secret shopper. Well she got an acceptance letter and a nice size check in the mail. I saw this morning that she has cashed the check. I hope it works for her, but you know what they say, "if it looks to good to be true, it probably is"
DH seems to be doing well, except of course for his continual complaints about his co-workers AND for the neuropathy in his feet. It seems like his feet are burning/hurting more lately.
As for me, I think I'm just tired of being tired. On top of everything else that's going on, I can't seem to get to bed before 9 or 10 pm and my alarm goes off at about 3:40 a.m. I don't get up till 4:00 usually, but the alarm still goes off. Normally I don't need an alarm and have only been using for about the past year - just as a security blanket so I don't let down my friend by not showing up at the gym by 5. But it's getting to the point where there's a good chance I would oversleep due to being too tired.
Well, I guess this is enough senseless rambling for one day
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Okay, so not ‘sobbing,’ lol, but I did really over-do it with the salt this weekend. I’ve been being so good, keeping my sodium around 2000 or less. THEN this weekend, Oh my, I not only ate out too much, but got into the potato chips both days. I hate to see what the scale is going to say in the morning. This morning it was up about 3lbs. Good news is that even though I went over my calorie target today, overall (on average), I’m still well within my limits for the past couple weeks or so – which means that even if I show a gain tomorrow, it will be a faux gain because of the sodium ;)
I worked really hard helping my daughter get her place cleaned up and in order this weekend, so I got plenty of exercise too. It was a good weekend… except of course for the fact that I worked the WHOLE weekend with no day to relax, will have to go to work tomorrow, AND …. MY house is still a mess! LOL Oh well, I’m still feeling pretty good about the weekend and am even hoping that all that activity will just keep on rolling and give me more energy to do more things.
Hope everyone else had a great weekend as well.
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