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Bad attitude

Friday, September 09, 2011

My attitude is so bad, it's no wonder I can't do what I should with food and exercise.

There's got to be more to it than what's on the surface, but what?

Two weeks ago, I was really looking forward to Bible study (it only meets every two weeks), but DH didn't want to go, so we didn't. Every since then I've felt agitated, grumpy, and trapped. I've done a lot of self talk, but it's not done much good. I've told myself that I could have tried to find it/went by myself, and that what's done is done and I need to just let it go, but apparently I'm not that strong.

So what DID I do? Apparently I decided to punish myself with food. Not only have I overeaten… but I've actually stuffed myself until I was miserable; not one time, but multiple times over the past couple weeks.

It seems the more I feel trapped in all the negativity around me, the more negative I get myself. Bible study group is about the only place I know where I can be around people who are not constantly criticizing everyone and everything.

Of course, as I was typing this, DH called to ask what I wanted to do this evening. My choices are Bible study or the Marigold festival. I told him that I know what HE wants to do, so I might as well make that decision and be done with it (not picking up on any negativity from ME, are you - lol). He said we could go to Bible study; that he just needed to get better at it (being around people that he might have to interact with). I asked what good it would do for me to be there if I had to feel guilty the whole time and he responded with the 'I can go without him' statement that he gave me 24 hours AFTER we didn't go the last time.

Anyway, NOW I'm feeling guilty about being so grumpy with him on the phone - it's a no win situation. So all I've accomplished is the blowing off of a little steam in writing on this blog and verbally to him on the phone. Nothing's changed. Nothing's solved. I thought I'd feel better, but I think I actually feel worse.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VK2Z10 9/13/2011 11:27AM

    maybe you could have expressed your feelings to DH differently, but honestly, i don't like always having to be miss polite to DH. sometimes, he just needs to hear the "feeling" in my tone and hope that he understands he can't and won't always get things the way he wants. i am sure you do MANY things for him, and he needs to do what you want as often as you do what he wants.

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/13/2011 10:34AM

    Hang in there, Dee ! These kinds of moments happen to us all.

I suppose I should ask you why didn't you go to the bible study class on your own. I'm sure it's nice to have the company of your hubby, but if he didn't want to go and you did, you should have gone. Now, you're disappointed and upset.

What to do in future ? Go to bible class if you want to go to bible class even if the hubby doesn't want to go. The hubby can stay home and amuse himself if he wants. There are going to be times when he might want to stay home and you want to go out. It's okay to do you both want to do separate things. In fact, I firmly believe couples should have their own "me" time.

It's okay to be a little selfish now and then.

So, no more beatings ! And no more turning to food to sate your emotions. You had a bad week. it happens. This week will be much better !



emoticon

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CALENSARIEL 9/10/2011 11:05AM

    I so hear ya. I asked his lordship if he would mind cooking for him and Brandon the other night so I could go to an early movie with my sister because she gets up at 4:30 in the morning. He did NOT pitch a fit. He didn't answer. He just looked at me with that look that says, I don't care if you go as long as you take care of ME first... So I did... And then I get really mad at myself for being such a wimp and not realizing that... That what? That he's capable of taking care of himself and I should be taking better care of me? It's all a tangle.

But then I get stuck in the same rut you're in: It seems the more I feel trapped in all the negativity around me, the more negative I get myself.

I think Josephine is right about sometimes none of the choices we have are good. I guess the thing we need to be asking ourselves is what IS the right choice for ME? Maybe if I felt free enough to take care of my own needs, a lot of that needing to eat to feel like I HAVE cared for myself would turn into something else. I wish I could hold on to these thoughts when they go through my mind. I think I have food alzheimers or something...

You hang in there, now D. You know you can dump on here and no one will criticize you. We're just tryin' to sort this out together. And you're right. The issue for most of us is a LOT deeper than food. I think we need to learn to give ourselves more choices! Big hugs, my friend. Calen~ emoticon

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JOSEPHINE1231 9/9/2011 9:34PM

    Life can be tough sometimes. And while we always have choices in what we do, it is true that we may not "like" any of the choices. So you can go by yourself, not go anywhere, or go somewhere else with him. sounds like you do not like any of those choices.

I can sympathize - on the stuffing food in the mouth business. I don't really like any of the choices I have right now either, and am really struggling with food.

I keep going back to what my dear therapist told me years and years ago, right after my first husband left. You always have choices, even though you may not like them. If nothing else, you can choose how you react to what life has thrown at you.

Hugs.

Jo

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FISHINGLADY66 9/9/2011 5:12PM

    emoticon Just give it ALL to the Lord. That's not easy either. Your in my prayers. Wishing you a happier evening. ((Hugs))

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Needed: Mood control ;-)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Healthy Living
Not much new here. Still doing a little exercise most mornings and still making poor food choices. I’d like to think what others think/say don’t bother me, but I really think at least one person, who openly voices that a healthy life style is unreasonable is starting to get to me. For the most part though, I think I’m just procrastinating the wrong things. At one time I used to choose the good stuff, telling myself that ‘maybe next time’ I will order the not-so-good stuff. Now it’s the other way around. Ugh!

Health
No change here either. I guess the thing that bugs me the most is the shoulder, which still hurts whenever I move it wrong. Problem is… it never seems to act up when I’m at the physical therapist’s.

Other
DD: Update on DD and the secret shopper thing. I got a PM from someone telling me it is a scam, and sure enough it is. Fortunately DD has a good head on her shoulders. She deposited the check, but decided not to follow through on the first assignment (which was to wire $1400 through Western Union) until the check cleared. It only took about 2-3 days for the bank to figure out the check was a counterfeit. Whew! That could have been a disaster.

MOOD: We are (supposed to be) a part of a group Bible study that meets every two weeks. Even though I put it on my calendar, I do sometimes forget. Other times, we have something else going on that prevents us from attending. Well, last Friday, I not only remembered, but we had nothing else pressing… so I was really looking forward to attending. About an hour before we would have left home, DH asks if I’d mind if we skipped it this time. I kept my thoughts to myself, but the more I dwelt on it, the worse my mood got.

By the next morning I was pretty close to melt-down mode. Between DH’s depression and continual complaints about how bad his work place is and all the drama that takes place at my work place (which has been extra bad this past week), I was really, really looking forward to being somewhere where people we cheerful and have a positive outlook. Not to mention a place where we could have people praying for us.

I’ve pretty much decided to give up on the group and not even mention it anymore; going once every two to three months is not a good feeling. I feel trapped in one of those rodent exercise wheels…. to work every Monday through Friday, then working at our house, the rental house, or one of the kids’ houses. It’s very rare for us to do anything with anyone else. I do occasionally see a movie with a friend from work, but it’s just not the same as having DH included or being somewhere where you actually interact with others.

Okay, I’m done whining. I need to just focus on what I “CAN do instead of what I CAN’T and be happy where I am.

DS#2 : Believes he’s going to receive a promotion at work. He says the interview went well, and was telling me will have to dress differently in the new position. He already had what he was going to do worked out. I offered to help by getting him some shoes. I don’t want to see him trying to be on his feet for 10 hours straight in cheap dress shoes. Of course, as usual, that snowballed and I ended up getting him some shirts too. I feel good about it though. I got him 2 expensive pair of shoes on clearance and 2 nice shirts on sale; all together I only spent about $165 for over $400 worth of stuff – thanks to the little plastic cards in my wallet – lol. It’s been a long time since I’ve charged anything and it’s for a good cause. :-)

Positives
Saturday I had to drive a little over an hour to pick up DS#2. I was not looking forward to the alone time with myself, fearing that I would just dwell on it, creating a snowball effect. Fortunately the alone time proved to be a good thing; it gave me the cool down time I needed. I thought about the REAL answer to my problems. I need to let go and let God. The hard part is doing it.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FISHINGLADY66 8/30/2011 9:21PM

    Hang in there Dee. As you said: Let go and let God. Your in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 8/30/2011 7:58PM

    emoticon

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CALENSARIEL 8/28/2011 12:49PM

    You know, when I get stressed out, sometimes I just get in the car and drive the backroads here with my car stereo blaring and me singing praise songs or broadway hits at the top of my lungs. Keeps me from thinking about anything except hoping that people that pull up beside me don't hear how badly I sing! It's like a mini-vacation.

The other thing I do if I'm drowning is to call a friend and go get a coke, a Starbucks, or an ice cream cone at Sonic (my favorite 'cause we're in the car and can talk, it's not calorie loaded, and it's only 99 cents!) and talk and talk and talk. Then we pray. It's not uncommon for me to have a four-hour coffee date with someone. Do you have a good friend who is willing to be a prayer partner like that?

I feel your frustration, girlfriend!

Hugs,
Calen~

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MARVEEME 8/28/2011 11:53AM

    You are the choice you make, and you deserve better.
Could it be that you are sleeping in a position that annoys that shoulder?
Glad DD has a good head on her shoulders....just like her Mom.
Repeat after me: "Yes, I do mind. You can skip it, but I'm going." and do it for you.
Charity begins at home, and DS counts as charity.
He'll be subconsciously motivated by you every time he looks at his shoes!
That "alone time" can be a wonderful thing, if focused on the right thing.

In the Catholic Church, we have a tradition practiced often and known as "Eucharistic Adoration". Those who understand and participate in this tradition, they understand the importance of this quiet time in a church with the Eucharist exposed and a deeper level of prayer and self healing is possible. The best description I've ever heard of this one is that it's like being outside on a spring day. You don't even realize the effect the sun (SON) has on you until much later. May you make the time for prayer, and all your prayers be answered.

Blessings!


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To blog, or not to blog…

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Part of me feels like I need to get back to blogging regularly. Another part says I don't like to blog negativity and most my thought are either negative or depressing, so just forget it. AND I like my blogs to be organized, but my thoughts are so scattered these days, I doubt that would happen either.

What the heck, let's give it a try ;-)

Healthy Living
I've had the hungries for the past couple days or so and having a hard time restricting my eating to only (mostly) healthy selections. I keep telling myself its okay for me to order something sweet for breakfast on the weekends, because, after all, I don't eat that way all week, right? lol Actually many days I do make it work (for the most part), but then other similar choices pop up. For example: the bread at Avanit's Italian Restaurant is something I should pass on, but I can rationalize that I'm stressed and a little bread just THIS time will be okay.

Funny, but at one time these decisions were easier. I would count the cost instead of the instant gratification. If I saw candy on sale, I would tell myself 'lol, oh, look, I can get fat for less!' Or for things like bread, I would remind myself of the proper nutrition I need to build a better/healthier body.

Health
Shoulder still hurts when ever I move it wrong. Some days I can do the exercises with no problem. Other days it feels bad to try the exercise without ANY weights, let a lone with them. Taking off my lab jacket or trying to fasten/unfasten a bra is a real chore to do without hurting. And forget trying to stretch; that hurts every time.

Back still gets tired, but it's actually feeling a little better.

Knees still feel unstable. Makes it a bit worrisome to try to many movements.

Warning: TMI. …. Constipation seems like it MIGHT be a little better. I finally broke down and started taking a stool softener, but I really don't think that's all of the problem. Maybe some day, finances permitting, I'll get it checked out. Hopefully it's just my innards drooping from having three kids.

Other
I'm concerned about DD. Her finances suck and she recently made application to be a secret shopper. Well she got an acceptance letter and a nice size check in the mail. I saw this morning that she has cashed the check. I hope it works for her, but you know what they say, "if it looks to good to be true, it probably is"

DH seems to be doing well, except of course for his continual complaints about his co-workers AND for the neuropathy in his feet. It seems like his feet are burning/hurting more lately.

As for me, I think I'm just tired of being tired. On top of everything else that's going on, I can't seem to get to bed before 9 or 10 pm and my alarm goes off at about 3:40 a.m. I don't get up till 4:00 usually, but the alarm still goes off. Normally I don't need an alarm and have only been using for about the past year - just as a security blanket so I don't let down my friend by not showing up at the gym by 5. But it's getting to the point where there's a good chance I would oversleep due to being too tired.

Well, I guess this is enough senseless rambling for one day



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLORIDASUN 8/25/2011 11:38AM

    Don't EVER apologize for blogging out your feelings. I am compelled to blog out worries and problems that I really don't understand. The blogging seems to release them from rattling around in my head and once they hit the page...I feel SO much better.

I really had a ROUGH time of it on a recent vacation back to my home state of Iowa. It's not that Iowa itself is so bad...actually the weather was awesome...it's that it holds so many negative energies that always seem to suck the living life out of me.

Mainly it's MIL and SIL who decided from day 1 a VERY long time ago that they resented and disliked me with a capital D!

That was hard for me to get my head around...still is..being an only child I was SO looking forward to having a sister in law. I had visions of a real sister...but it was not to be and after 33 years of marriage I know it will NEVER be.

Anyhow...I blogged my little heart out and my sparkie friends were truly my angels!

We are so close in this community...sometimes it just helps to get a different perspective on things...sometimes it helps to know you aren't going through rough spots in life alone...believe me blogging helps a bunch!

And...remember too...I'm only a spark page away! Be blessed! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/25/2011 11:39:51 AM

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MARTHASPARKS 8/24/2011 10:32PM

    Dee, I think we all have periods of time when things are bleak and we feel as if we are negative and posting all depressing things. Part of that is that Spark is a safe place for you to unload that crud so that you don't carry it around until you stress eat or turn to the unhealthy habits for comfort. If you need to unload for a while, I'm here to support you. I'd rather read it than have it rebound on you! And I DO read it. emoticon emoticon

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FISHINGLADY66 8/24/2011 8:55PM

    I'm in the same room with you Dee. I am only blogging once a week or so and I just blog some motivational quotes. I am spending too much time sitting at the computer Sparking. This was not meant to be a social website, but I feel like it has become that, and I'm tired of the same old thing. I have tried to cut back a little, but I am hooked. I need to take control of my life. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Blessings and ((Hugs)) my dear friend.

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CALENSARIEL 8/24/2011 8:36PM

    And THAT is exactly why I don't blog on here very regularly anymore. I journaled the same negative stuff in my journals for a good six or seven years. Took me that long to figure out I was stuck emotionally and went elsewhere (besides my journal) to deal with it. Saw a psychologist. I feel like I'm in the same place with this stuff. And the crappy truth is, I don't think I care anymore if I lose weight. As long as my A1C is behaving and I'm not gaining, I think I'm good with it. I know that's a really bad attitude... Sigh...

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A Brag and a boo boo.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Brag

I came in 2nd at work for the weight loss contest and won the highest percentage loss prize. ($250)

The guy who came in first lost 29.5 lbs in 10 weeks, which was 3 pounds more than I lost. His percent loss was 0.4% more than what I lost, but you can collect the prize for one category... so Yay me!!

So now if I can keep it up and not lose my motivation (or get new motivation)

Now for my boo boo :o

I planned yesterday and knew it would be tough/close if I wanted to stay within my calories.

I had dessert because we don't get to eat out as often as we used to (thanks recession - lol), and this place is about the only place in the area that has Tiramisu, let alone a good Tiramisu. THEN when I got home I really just wanted something. Not hungry... just a desire. Long story short I ended up eating not one, but two peanut butter sandwiches. That put me at roughly 2800 calories for the day. (target=1650 - ugh!)

Fortunately, I am letting go of yesterday and continuing on my journey to good health today as if yesterday never happened (instead of throwing in the towel as a failure as I might have done in the past)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALENSARIEL 7/21/2011 11:38PM

    Well hanging in there is more than half the battle. If we didn't go, "Oh well, might as well eat since I blew it anyway," think of all the calories we'd avoid. You did good, girl! emoticon

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AANGEL3 7/21/2011 12:08AM

    emoticon On the win Dee! And I'm over calories today so I'm going to borrow your "letting go" and move on.

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SHRINKINGSHERI 7/20/2011 6:40PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BECCAJ98 7/20/2011 5:04PM

    emoticon great job!!!! And that's not a huge boo boo....don't let it get to you!

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FISHINGLADY66 7/20/2011 4:19PM

    emoticon for you Dee. emoticon emoticon

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Sobbing over the salt

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Okay, so not ‘sobbing,’ lol, but I did really over-do it with the salt this weekend. I’ve been being so good, keeping my sodium around 2000 or less. THEN this weekend, Oh my, I not only ate out too much, but got into the potato chips both days. I hate to see what the scale is going to say in the morning. This morning it was up about 3lbs. Good news is that even though I went over my calorie target today, overall (on average), I’m still well within my limits for the past couple weeks or so – which means that even if I show a gain tomorrow, it will be a faux gain because of the sodium ;)

I worked really hard helping my daughter get her place cleaned up and in order this weekend, so I got plenty of exercise too. It was a good weekend… except of course for the fact that I worked the WHOLE weekend with no day to relax, will have to go to work tomorrow, AND …. MY house is still a mess! LOL Oh well, I’m still feeling pretty good about the weekend and am even hoping that all that activity will just keep on rolling and give me more energy to do more things.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend as well.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARVEEME 7/11/2011 6:35PM

    I sympathize with your sodium issues, as we've all been there, for sure. The additional water will help, but increasing your vitamin B6 will too. Excellent sources of vitamin B6 include spinach, bell peppers, and turnip greens. Very good food sources of vitamin B6 include garlic, tuna, cauliflower, mustard greens, banana, celery, cabbage, crimini mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, kale, collard greens, Brussels sprouts, cod and chard.

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CHLOESUE 7/11/2011 1:46PM

    Drink lots of water.That always helps me.I drink lots of water any way but up it even more if I think I have had too much sodium.

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MRSMLBJ 7/10/2011 10:13PM

    Just work a little (or just stand) outside for an hour or so and that salt will sweat right out. You'll be OK
emoticon

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FISHINGLADY66 7/10/2011 8:58PM

    You may be surprised in a couple of days. When I ate out and overdid it, I lost weight the next week. Just stay hydrated and flush your body, the sodium will flush out and the weight will go down. Never give up, Stay strong my friend. Tomorrow is a new day emoticon One Day at a Time.

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CALENSARIEL 7/10/2011 7:51PM

    I don't think you need to worry about your house. We've ALL been there, and we KNOW the house isn't going anywhere (dang it!). Have a great week instead of worrying about stuff that will never go away anyway! Hugs, Calen~

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BREWMASTERBILL 7/10/2011 6:39PM

    Do you have some medical condition that warrants limiting your salt intake?

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