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It;s hard to be me

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Why do I eat the things I eat? why am I lacking in self talk to get me motivated? Why do I watch everyone else enjoy their lives, exercise, and look fit and trim? These are some of the questions I ask myself on a daily basis in hope that the answer will pop into my head as if I were a cartoon character having a light bulb suddenly go one on the top of my head. I never got the answers as quick as I wanted. I wanted to improve myself, look as I did 10 years ago, but I still sat there or tried to do what it took to improve but stopped after a few months only to slide backwards gaining 10 more pounds, then 20 until finally at a 60 pound gain I know things have to change. I do very well at my job, top of my game, I help others to work through lifes challenges, but for myself I look at myself as a failure. I cry, scream, go to bed, only to realize I am putting myself deeper into a depression that scares even me.
When I was growing up, it seemed in my adolesant brain that I couldn't do anything right for my mother... I know lets blame the mother, she wanted us to make choices for us that were different than the choices she made for herself, with that in mind, you need to work hard to succeed. I did, except for this weight thing, food thing, exercise thing. Whats up with that? It's all about control, these are the things I can control in my life and yet I have allowed others to control me so much, I forgot to be me. Be who I want, do what I want, and look the way I want. It's going to be a lot of work for me, and with some will maybe I can be me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTALJEM 9/22/2012 10:46PM

    I hope you've manage to move through this phase. Sometimes this journey can be really tough. Hope you are having a much better time. CJ

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new exercise log

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

At first I found the log to be somewhat confusing. I worked with it for awhile and thought it's like the food log. However, when I went to pull up my groupings I had difficulty with this section. Maybe I'm missing something. I tried to add to it I couldn't, I tried to place what was on it to my tracker, I couldn't. I read and reread all the material for the new tracker, I was confused in this area. Is there something I'm missing or can I not use the groupings this way? Someone let me know.


Walk and Life

Monday, June 18, 2012

On my walk/run today I noticed how much I miss my dog. I used to have him to push me when I wanted to stop, or to talk out a problem, or just to have someone there when I was running. Things aren't the same without him and never will be, but I must move on for me. I gained back all the weight I lost after his death and I feel miserable not to say the least. I still get up in the morning not wanting to do anything. What a death of a loved one and a pet can do to us humans. I made a pledge to myself to live a fuller life, but with my weight and mood how can I do just that? I don't feel sorry for myself, just alone on my walks and at night while watching tv, he was always by my side. I am not getting another pet, chances of me getting another one with his personality is very slim, so how do I just move on? By knowing that maybe this will give me a chance to fins HUMAN contact and know I did the right thing for him and myself.



Sunday, June 17, 2012

I read so many articles about what music is best while exercising. All the music I read about are great tunes, but I prefer classical, exercise is relaxing to me, it takes away stress, makes me feel good, so classical music soothes me while I get rid of the stress. I'm not talking Opera type, although that helps as well. I think any music that motivates your soul is the best.


After a Month off

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Went on vacation for a month, tried to get on line, that was a hit or a miss for a signal. I am so far behind everything on here, but I'm not going to worry, I am back in sinc and believe me it feels great to be back. I gained 16 pounds. Back to the beginning again


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