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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

After working back to back 16hour shifts I finally have some down time. I am sore. I am tired. And I am truly emotionally exhausted. I had to finally delete my email account that I had since the internet started to stop the hate emails that I was receiving from Joe. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I wish that my blood pressure would go down. The heat today is too hot for walking so I am stuck indoors waiting for the sun to go down.
Lonliness is different than alone. I will have boughts of lonliness but the longer I stay single the longer the bouts come. I was single for 14 years so I am no stranger to either state of being.
I miss being in a marriage. I miss being in a relationship. I really miss the companionship. But I have to deal with the emotional trauma that Ed put me through compounded by the emotional rape that Joe did before I can even begin to think about attempting to date again.
I look at the date sites and I am truly disheartened. After my encounter with Joe I look at men through different eyes. Joe was truly predatory and I was very easy prey.
I know I will learn to intermingle again...but trust? That is a different animal.
Wish I could find my little stairstepper but my whole life has been in storage for so very long. I feel that my life has existed by OPW (other people's whims).
I am still trying to figure out how to eat. I have had eggplant and water today...so it is a start.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRATS4 8/25/2011 12:26PM

    you'll do fine.sometimes it is alot better to be alone

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Psychotic...neurotic...toxic....these are the men of my life.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I have a lousy history with men. One time my mom said that men I am attracted to are not attracted to me and the men who are attracted to me are profiled on AMW....
I am a romantic who is always waiting for that one diamond in the muck. I have found that when you go rooting around in muck, you don't find a diamond and you just get covered in muck.
I have been understanding, forgiving, supportive. I have been the mate that I wanted to have. For what? To be taken advantage in the worst way.
I want my heart to love without letting these monsters get victory over my heart. Why should a man be penalized for what another man has done to me? That isn't right.
I was so very starved for attention that I was ripe prey...
I have just come out of a situation where I was involved with a man who any woman halfway in her right mind would not date. I also took care of his dying mother while working full-time. I then found out he had another girlfriend who knew about me and laughed about it. He sent me emails that were written between him and her where they ridiculed me. Why he sent these to me I will never know.
His mother died and I am not welcome at the funeral. I gave wholeheartedly to this man and his family just to be kicked in the teeth. The pain is unbearable.
During this stressful time I stopped eating. Think I would lose weight? WRONG!! I gained 16lbs! I am the ONLY person I know who gains weight when they do not eat. My blood pressure has gone through the roof. And if that is not enough....here come the bill collectors! OH....and I am still married to the neurotic lying cheating husband who is a totally different monster altogether!
So...how does one work through this emotional ordeal? One foot in front of the other...literally!
I will throw up anything that I try to eat so I am going to drink smoothies. I can't walk in this heat (tried it...got the medical bill to prove it) so I will do laps indoors. There is always a way around a problem.
So...how do I deal with this pain? I cry. I write. But I will probably have to go to therapy to get over this one.
I am stronger than this. I will survive this. God is my rock. HE will see me through.


July 11, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Here is a pic of me AFTER I had lost 50 lbs....
Now my current bf is hectoring me about losing weight which makes me want to just dig in my heels. I know he is being suportive in his own fashion but all I hear is judgement and condemnation....just as I have always heard it from any male in my life.


May 6,2011

Sunday, May 08, 2011

And here we go again......
I finally left my lying, cheating, pretending, manipulative, whining, professional victim of a husband in May of 2010!
He was cheating on me with a woman who professed to be a lesbian...she gave lesbians a bad name!
I left and went running home to Mama who had just moved to Nebraska. My weight had reached 260. Over the next year I proceeded to lose 50 (YES 50) lbs just by getting a divorce....who knew what would happen when I cut the dead weight!
Now I am back (again) on sparkspeople. I am tracking my diet, re-learning portion control, and I met a great guy who thinks I am beautiful just the way I am.
Do I still want to lose weight? Yes, but not to fit into the latest fashion, but for my health and longevity.
One of my biggest changes is giving up ALL junk food.....and I am here to tell you that giving up junk is MUCH HARDER than quitting smoking! I have yet to make it all the way through a day without having some form of crap.
Another big change I have made.....and am still working on....is that I have this cooler that I pack my food for the day in. As long as I eat out of that cooler, everything is accounted for and that takes A LOT of the guess work out of my day.
I am brutally honest about what I put into my body and I am getting better at recognizing when I am justifying bad food choices. I still make mistakes. I still have bad days. I just don't beat myself up over it so much any more.
Also, having a boyfriend who keeps me accountable does make all the difference in the world. He doesn't care how much I weigh, he cares about the type of food I eat.


Fall off the wagon...get on the wagon...fall off the wagon...

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I gave up on trying to diet when my biweekly budget got to be about $25...$50 if I was lucky.
But, I am trying to lose weight again..... emoticon
I got into the mindset that if I couldn't eat a 100% Raw Food Diet that I just wouldn't try. The funny thing is that going off my diet and not exercising did not one whit to my weight. If anything my weight maintained at less than my starting weigh- in by 10 lbs!
Once I stopped obsessing and started living I was ok.
So, I started back to my "roots" with meal prep. You know those families that you watch probably late at night in a documentary that live circa 1800's? Yeah..that was me growing up emoticon
My mom had us make our own butter (guess who churned the butter), drink raw milk (which tastes like whatever the cow is eating) and eat fresh eggs (there is a reason why you should crack eggs in a bowl before using them). At the time I thought my mom was some crazy hippie chick who was out to ruin my life. I am now very happy that she did because it gave me the skills to live.
I started to cook everything from scratch. That lowered my bill. Then I started to buy as much as I could in bulk (wow! there is A LOT of bulk suppliers on the internet). That started to free up money for meat. I have bought meat in bulk for some time now. Now, I am starting to see some small change that I can use on fresh produce emoticon
Then a wonderful thing happened!!!
A CHEAP whole food type of store opened up literally down the block. They undercut "whole paycheck" by A LOT. And their selection? WONDERFUL!
I took $20 (my raw food allowance) and bought enough fruit for my family and greens for myself for the week. I am SOOO happy.
The first thing I did was go home and make my soup. I sucked that thing down so fast that I am surprised I didn't inhale the whole glass. I could immediately feel the difference. I didn't realize that my body was so starved for the nutrients that fresh produce provides. I thought I could skate with frozen veggies, but I am telling you the body can tell the difference!
So, now that I am adjusting to running my kitchen "old school" and we are slowly seeing some extra money in our meager budget, I am becoming more relaxed. Now I can focus on making sure that I include enough fresh produce so our diet doesn't become too one-sided.
My next big project is for us to relocate to a home with a small yard so I can properly grow veggies instead of my usual sad tomato plant with two tomatoes
Homesteading rocks!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PJCHILIS 2/3/2010 6:51PM

    Sounds like you hit the jackpot, with that new store.--PJ

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SANDRAHUGHES 2/3/2010 5:31PM

    I guess the important thing is that you didn't let the wagon roll away.

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