Wednesday, April 25, 2012
We live in a guilt –ridden society. Most of us feel some form of guilt everyday. We feel guilty about driving our cars, and polluting the air, having trash that can’t be recycled, not being able to afford braces, dance lessons, vacations,etc.. for our kids, not being able to care for our ageing parents,- you name it, we feel guilty about it.
I grew up in a very rigid household. My siblings and I were raised on guilt. We ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then we slept with it at night. Every transgression, mistake, or outburst, was continually resurrected with the intention of bringing up morally sound adults. We were suffocated by the guilt and shame piled on us for being – well- human. We spent our childhoods trying to meet some kind of unreachable parental perfection perceived by my mother. By the time I had moved away from home I was an anxiety ridden mess, guilty and ashamed, I continually apologized to people, simply for being there. And one day I did something unforgiveable-at least in my parents’ eyes, they basically disowned me. I moved away to escape my shame, I tried to bury it deep inside. I didn’t tell anyone in my “new life” what I had done. Fortunately for me, I had an awesome roommate (and now best friend) , she didn’t know me well , but she could tell that I had issues. One day she advised me to just get it out. So I put it all out there. Even though I was afraid that when I was done telling her what I had done, she would think I was an awful person, I told her anyway.
Guess what she said after she heard my story? “Well, that’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes, let it go and move on.” Whew, what a relief, telling someone my mistake seemed to lift all that baggage off of me. I let go of past, guilt, and fear. I learned to live with my humanity, and not continually beat myself up for mistakes. I learned to live in the moment.
Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have someone in their life that they can go to for guilt relief. So many people feel they are alone, especially in this struggle to change their lifestyle and lose weight. When I read blogs here on SP by people who have made a mistake, I don’t view them as excuses; I see them as a confession. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, and explain to people what you have done. And that is why I often respond with “That’s ok, you made a mistake, let it go and move on.” After all, we are all just human.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Saturday I broke down and bought some new running shoes. My old ones are 2yrs old and are worn out at the back. I was really excited to use them on the treadmill only to find that they are slick on the bottom, so half way through my work out I switched back to my old shoes. Today I took sandpaper to the bottoms- hoping that would help, but that didn't do it either. Neither did double sided sticky tape- although it helped a little. I hope they will eventually wear down alittle and not be slick. Since they were on clearence( but they are NewBalance, like my others) they won't take them back.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Today is one year of knowing that I am hypothyroid, and the day I started Levothyroxine (synthroid). I just have to say how thankful I am that there is a little tiny pill that takes care of my thyroid problem. This was the first winter in the last 5yrs that my feet and hands didn’t crack and bleed from dryness and I wasn’t freezing all the time. I also didn't have the continual winter cold. My joints, especially my knees, no longer ache, and the swelling in my face and fingers is gone. My eyebrows have grown back, now my mother has stopped telling me to quit plucking them( I wasn’t- but I don’t think she believed me.). My hair has regained some of its thickness, it’s still dry though- but there are far worse things to suffer from then dry hair. I feel like I have done a lot of healing this year. I have a lot more energy. Life is GOOD!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I live just outside the limits of a small town. The kind of town where pick-up trucks and SUV’s in the Walmart parking lot outnumber cars. And most of those pick-up trucks have stickers and decals on their back windows of a fish jumping out of the water, on a fishing line with a caption like “ I work to fish”, or a decal of a deer with horns, that says “look- a 4point buck” and the sticker on the other side of the window has the same buck with a target on it and reads “shoot”(that one always makes me giggle- it’s just too goofy). In the summer you see a lot of boats and fishing gear going by, and in the fall it’s common to see hunting rifles in the gun racks of the back windows of those pick-ups. Here jeans and t-shirts are the norm, and folks who wear slacks look out of place. My town is the last “real” town on the way into the Mountains, if you’re on your way to a lake or campground you’ll need to stop here and get ice, and gas. We have McDonalds, a Safeway, and even a small local hospital.
When I moved here 14 yrs. ago, from a town about 40 mins. away, I spent some time calling around - trying to find a woman doctor. No offense to the guys- but being a woman, I prefer to have certain things checked by a woman Dr. Call me prejudice- but I want someone who has the same organs as me. But none of the women doctors in town were not accepting new patients, at first I asked to be put on waiting lists, only to be told the list already had 100 other gals waiting as well. So I kept my doctor 40 mins away, saw her once a yr- most the time, sometimes I skipped a year because I was too lazy, or busy or whatever to drive that far just to see a Dr. About 2yrs ago the local hospital merged with a larger hospital from the town 40 mins away , which thankfully brought more doctors into our area. When I got a post card in the mail for a new doctor clinic, with 3 woman doctors, I called immediately. And that’s how I got my doctor. She’s an OBGYN, and as an added bonus, a family practitioner, two in one. I can see her for my woman’s yearly exam, and also for strep throat. She’s around my age, has kids and wears jeans and tennis shoes to work. And I actually like her, and enjoy my appointments. She’s the kind of gal who finagles information out of you that you wouldn’t normally tell a stranger. Like the fact that I did 3 miles a day on my treadmill just to maintain my current weight and the desire to lose 10lbs. And she also is the one who diagnosed my hypothyroidism in mid March.
When I was 1st diagnosed- I was extremely sick. Since before Valentine’s Day, I’d felt like I’d had the flu. I’d rest a few days, get over it, and then a week later, I’d be sick again. I couldn’t shake it, I finally surrendered and went to the doctor. She figured it out and 2 days later started me on Levothyroxoin. Six weeks later I went back for a follow up and she told me I could resume exercising. I confessed I had already started- although at a much slower pace, and much less than before. She said that was fine- keep it up. I admit I wasn’t pushing myself very hard- but I was “sick”- I had something permanently wrong with me. ( okay- so maybe I was a little whiney and being a baby)
At my 12 week check up she asked again “Are you doing your 3 miles yet?”
“No-I haven’t got that far yet
“Well, you’ve gained 2 lbs since your last visit. That 3 miles was just helping you maintain. You need to get yourself back there. Folks with Hypothyroidism have weight problems”
I’m not sure- but I think she may have seen the daggers flying out of my eyes. While I didn’t say so, I was pretty mad. How dare she say that to me. She just called me fat and lazy, at least that’s what I heard. Well, I’m going to show her. I was filled with righteous indignation. And following an old pick-up, that probably gets a gallon a mile, at 45mph all the way home, gave me that much more time to stew about my mean doctor.
You know when I got home I went straight to the treadmill. I was going be fit by my next appointment in mid- August. I was going to be 12 lbs down..... My righteous rage fueled me for a few weeks, and then I started to falter. I had my 3miles back, but I wasn’t seeing results in the weight loss dept. On July 8th I headed for spark people, and found a supportive hypothyroid group.
I’d like to say I lost the 12lbs by my mid August appointment, but as you probably guessed, I didn’t. I lost 3 and so far nothing else has come off. But while I haven’t been losing weight, I have been gaining a great deal of knowledge from lots of other people, who like me, are struggling to lose weight with hypothyroidism. And from that group of extremely supportive people, I’ve learned that I’m really going to have to step it up. My 45 mins on the treadmill has become an hour, and I’m working on increasing incline and speed, as well as adding strength training and another 30 mins of some form of cleaning or yard work, or a dvd work out . I don’t always manage this everyday. I’ve also learned I’m really going to have to cut calories more, people with hypo have a slow metabolism. I’ve been working at lowering my calorie intake gradually, so I don’t lay away at night and listen to my stomach growl. My goals have also changed. It’s no longer about proving to my doctor I can lose 12lbs. It’s about taking care of myself, learning how to live healthy, be strong, and teaching my kids a healthy life style so they don’t have to learn it on their own later. While I do not weigh less, I am stronger, and my rear, thighs and stomach are much firmer. And I’m no longer mad at my doctor, she did me a HUGE favor, and I’m pretty sure she knows it!
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