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Being Human

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

We live in a guilt –ridden society. Most of us feel some form of guilt everyday. We feel guilty about driving our cars, and polluting the air, having trash that can’t be recycled, not being able to afford braces, dance lessons, vacations,etc.. for our kids, not being able to care for our ageing parents,- you name it, we feel guilty about it.
I grew up in a very rigid household. My siblings and I were raised on guilt. We ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then we slept with it at night. Every transgression, mistake, or outburst, was continually resurrected with the intention of bringing up morally sound adults. We were suffocated by the guilt and shame piled on us for being – well- human. We spent our childhoods trying to meet some kind of unreachable parental perfection perceived by my mother. By the time I had moved away from home I was an anxiety ridden mess, guilty and ashamed, I continually apologized to people, simply for being there. And one day I did something unforgiveable-at least in my parents’ eyes, they basically disowned me. I moved away to escape my shame, I tried to bury it deep inside. I didn’t tell anyone in my “new life” what I had done. Fortunately for me, I had an awesome roommate (and now best friend) , she didn’t know me well , but she could tell that I had issues. One day she advised me to just get it out. So I put it all out there. Even though I was afraid that when I was done telling her what I had done, she would think I was an awful person, I told her anyway.
Guess what she said after she heard my story? “Well, that’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes, let it go and move on.” Whew, what a relief, telling someone my mistake seemed to lift all that baggage off of me. I let go of past, guilt, and fear. I learned to live with my humanity, and not continually beat myself up for mistakes. I learned to live in the moment.
Not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have someone in their life that they can go to for guilt relief. So many people feel they are alone, especially in this struggle to change their lifestyle and lose weight. When I read blogs here on SP by people who have made a mistake, I don’t view them as excuses; I see them as a confession. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, and explain to people what you have done. And that is why I often respond with “That’s ok, you made a mistake, let it go and move on.” After all, we are all just human.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 6/28/2013 4:09AM

    Wow this is huge. I am, like you privileged to have my sister as my best friend. We both lived through too much and helped each other on the road to mending. Parents can be hard/overdone etc its the toughest job under the sun and no exam needed to pass to reproduce. For everything else a certificate is needed....gun ownership, marriage, driving etc....to have kids...nothing just have them. I've often wished in some crazy way that we could put our hands under some ray and be told...yes you two can marry and yes you two can reproduce....lol but it doesn't happen that way. I hope my kids have kinder stories to tell their kids about their raising than I had to tell mine.

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STEN2791 6/25/2013 10:20AM

    Love, love, love this blog!

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 5/26/2013 9:21AM

    Thanks for the reminder...

Welcome to the human race! Nice to meet you!

Let's move onward and upward!

( ¯`♥ ´¯) ♥'
.`•.¸.•´ ♥ Spread the SPARK!!! *`*•.¸¸.•♥
¸.•´¸.•´¨) ¸.•*¨).•*´. ♥¸¸.•¨ •♥
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .• •♥¸¸.•¨¯`•.♥.¸¸.•¨¯`•¸. •♥

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MISSCUS 4/29/2013 4:33PM

    what a great blog. I too grew up in the same environment. I like how you opened up to your friend and learned to just let go and live in the moment!! So important for happiness in life. My cell phone greeting is "N THE MOMENT" for the very same reasons as your blog statements. Powerful blog!!

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SPARKARINO 4/13/2013 10:27PM

    Thanks for sharing and the reminder that we all need to let go of the negative and support the positive -- in ourselves and in others.
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    Loved your blog. I too am learning to let go of the guilt. I had it so bad I would feel the guilt for what others had done and make it my own. Getting better about that. Now if I can just lose the reflex action of apologizing all the time.

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KALI1007 7/24/2012 11:12PM

    Beautiful! emoticon

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WILLDOITFORME1 7/21/2012 12:57PM

    Thank you for reminding me that we are all human, and we need to forgive ourselves, just as much as we forgive others

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JED5HOME 7/19/2012 10:29AM

    Loved your blog! All very relatable because we all have "issues" from our past to get through and it was eye opening how we can all use that to push us to continue our sp journey. You sound like a wonderful and insightful person, you have done a great job of healing yourself and finding who you are. You should be so proud of yourself and what you have accomplished in becoming a healthy adult. I'm sorry you had to go through all that you went through but you have come so far to heal and you deserve all the happiness you can get! Stay strong and remember to never feel guilty about who your, our mistakes make us, not break us.

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RANGERAMPS 6/6/2012 9:12AM

    Great blog. My mother and grandmother used guilt all the time. Not necessarily on purpose per se but it was used nonetheless.

I have what a lot of people call "Catholic" guilt. I was born and raised in the Catholic church. Now that all my grandparents and parents are gone I feel that I have the freedom to explore new things. I still have my 'faith' yet I have to find my own way now rather than depend on others' ways.

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    This was a GREAT blog friend! Thanks for reminding me that I am "human" and not "superhuman". I can and will make mistakes... It took a while for me to realize that it was okay too, and getting rid of baggage is most important...I hope for everyong that they can let go of their baggage, and not feel guilty.

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DAZZEEDOO 4/26/2012 11:31AM

    Mennoly, I am one of hundreds- if not millions raised in this manner( trust me, I know a whole church full of us). I honestly believe my mom had the best intentions- she just let her extreme religious views, and events in her past control how she raised her children. Truthfully, my dad could have stepped in, but it seems he believed my mom knew better how to raise children then he did.
My unforgivable sin was a divorce- which my siblings have each had since then as well, and ironically my parents have divorced too. They are much happier people now. I do wonder if my mother used her religion in a quest to try and save her marriage. She has softened a great deal, and has been a good and kind Grandmother to my kids, as well as her other grandchildren.
Part of letting go and moving on for me has been just to except what happened and learning to forgive myself, as well as understanding that my parents were doing the best that they could. Guilt is a useful emotion, but so many people continually beat themselves up, and hold themselves back because of it. We need to learn to acknowledge our mistakes, promise ourselves we'll try to do better, and move on.

Many Blessings


Comment edited on: 4/26/2012 11:54:48 AM

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MENNOLY 4/25/2012 9:35PM

    This was a very well written blog. I am happy that you were able to get past your childhood and that you are a much more generous person than your mother. It takes a lot of humanity to not be judgemental. I am sorry you had such a painful upbringing. emoticon

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BLUE42DOWN 4/25/2012 7:13PM

    Guilt is such a misused emotion. We try to enforce it upon people externally. Guilty or not guilty, how do you plead?

Proper guilt should be from within, a recognition that we have violated some moral that we believe in, done what we know is wrong and harmful. Guilt shouldn't drown us in feelings of failure and incompetence. It should drive us to want to correct the violation, to take responsibility and move forward.

It is natural. A complete lack of feeling guilt is a common sign of a sociopath - someone who cannot see right vs wrong. But it is not natural to have others deciding that our worth is based on their interpretation of our guilt.

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LVMAMAW 4/25/2012 2:22PM

    Great Blog! Well said and I agree 1000%!! Thank heavens you grew past the guilt!

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KNITTINGNAN 4/25/2012 1:19PM

  What a great blog! I grew up Catholic and that was what our religion was based on - GUILT!!! It wasn't presented as much that God loved us, but rather that we should feel guilty for everything we did against his commandments. I, too, was consumed with guilt about the dumbest things I did, and it mad me more rebellious. If God didn't like me wearing my skirt too short at Catholic school...well what will He think if I smoke a cigarette or kiss a boy....oooooooh!

Isn't it silly what we do to ourselves, but blame it on other people or events. As I read some of the blogs of other members of this program I feel so sorry for them. The younger peope with eating disorders especially bother me. I just want to reach out and give them a hug. This has been a very enlightening experience for me, and althouh I'm not pushing to run marathons, I have lost some weight while meeting so many interesting people and learning so much about living a healthier life. Thanks for adding to my wealth of knowledge!

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New Running Shoes

Monday, March 26, 2012

Saturday I broke down and bought some new running shoes. My old ones are 2yrs old and are worn out at the back. I was really excited to use them on the treadmill only to find that they are slick on the bottom, so half way through my work out I switched back to my old shoes. Today I took sandpaper to the bottoms- hoping that would help, but that didn't do it either. Neither did double sided sticky tape- although it helped a little. I hope they will eventually wear down alittle and not be slick. Since they were on clearence( but they are NewBalance, like my others) they won't take them back.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSCUS 4/29/2013 5:14PM

    wear them outside and spin on each foot on the rough pavement, or wherever there is the roughest pavement. I had to do that with some dress shoes that made me feel like I was walking on ice, so slippery when they are new.

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    was thinking of a new pair also. Bought our foster son a pair of New Balance shoes (he runs like the wind) and he loves them. Farm and Fleet carries them, and we heard they are (New Balance) the last running shoe made in the USA. Will have to get a pair of those, maybe in red/white/blue emoticon

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VALLITTLEMAMA5 3/31/2012 9:40PM

    Running Shoes and Water Bottles! Running shoes get me, too, until I remember I have to break them in. They all give me blisters for the first 10 or so days I exercise in them. Thanks for your comment on the blog. And hope you find a shoe solution!

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PARKERB2 3/27/2012 9:41AM

    That's too bad about being able to return them. Even on sale, walking shoes are expensive. Have a great day and good luck.

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MENNOLY 3/26/2012 8:08PM

    Try walking on pavement and see if that helps. I bought my first pair of really good exercise shoes before my 5K race. They were fitted to my feet and the style was determined by the way I walked on a treadmill. They are really comfortable. But expensive. I will save them to use when exercising and bought myself a pair of new balance tor wearing everyday.

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A Year of Knowing

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Today is one year of knowing that I am hypothyroid, and the day I started Levothyroxine (synthroid). I just have to say how thankful I am that there is a little tiny pill that takes care of my thyroid problem. This was the first winter in the last 5yrs that my feet and hands didn’t crack and bleed from dryness and I wasn’t freezing all the time. I also didn't have the continual winter cold. My joints, especially my knees, no longer ache, and the swelling in my face and fingers is gone. My eyebrows have grown back, now my mother has stopped telling me to quit plucking them( I wasn’t- but I don’t think she believed me.). My hair has regained some of its thickness, it’s still dry though- but there are far worse things to suffer from then dry hair. I feel like I have done a lot of healing this year. I have a lot more energy. Life is GOOD!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LVMAMAW 3/16/2012 1:19PM

    That is great! With the help of the meds and your new resolve to get healthier...I know you can succeed!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MENNOLY 3/16/2012 7:09AM

    It's great that your health has improved so much with your synthroid. It brings home to me that I could be a lot worse off if I was not on synthroid. I still have dry winter skin that cracks and bleeds. I shed like crazy but since my hair has always been very thick it is not that noticeable to anyone but me. I will enjoy getting to know you!

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MY Mean Doctor, or Why I came to be a SPARKER

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I live just outside the limits of a small town. The kind of town where pick-up trucks and SUV’s in the Walmart parking lot outnumber cars. And most of those pick-up trucks have stickers and decals on their back windows of a fish jumping out of the water, on a fishing line with a caption like “ I work to fish”, or a decal of a deer with horns, that says “look- a 4point buck” and the sticker on the other side of the window has the same buck with a target on it and reads “shoot”(that one always makes me giggle- it’s just too goofy). In the summer you see a lot of boats and fishing gear going by, and in the fall it’s common to see hunting rifles in the gun racks of the back windows of those pick-ups. Here jeans and t-shirts are the norm, and folks who wear slacks look out of place. My town is the last “real” town on the way into the Mountains, if you’re on your way to a lake or campground you’ll need to stop here and get ice, and gas. We have McDonalds, a Safeway, and even a small local hospital.
When I moved here 14 yrs. ago, from a town about 40 mins. away, I spent some time calling around - trying to find a woman doctor. No offense to the guys- but being a woman, I prefer to have certain things checked by a woman Dr. Call me prejudice- but I want someone who has the same organs as me. But none of the women doctors in town were not accepting new patients, at first I asked to be put on waiting lists, only to be told the list already had 100 other gals waiting as well. So I kept my doctor 40 mins away, saw her once a yr- most the time, sometimes I skipped a year because I was too lazy, or busy or whatever to drive that far just to see a Dr. About 2yrs ago the local hospital merged with a larger hospital from the town 40 mins away , which thankfully brought more doctors into our area. When I got a post card in the mail for a new doctor clinic, with 3 woman doctors, I called immediately. And that’s how I got my doctor. She’s an OBGYN, and as an added bonus, a family practitioner, two in one. I can see her for my woman’s yearly exam, and also for strep throat. She’s around my age, has kids and wears jeans and tennis shoes to work. And I actually like her, and enjoy my appointments. She’s the kind of gal who finagles information out of you that you wouldn’t normally tell a stranger. Like the fact that I did 3 miles a day on my treadmill just to maintain my current weight and the desire to lose 10lbs. And she also is the one who diagnosed my hypothyroidism in mid March.
When I was 1st diagnosed- I was extremely sick. Since before Valentine’s Day, I’d felt like I’d had the flu. I’d rest a few days, get over it, and then a week later, I’d be sick again. I couldn’t shake it, I finally surrendered and went to the doctor. She figured it out and 2 days later started me on Levothyroxoin. Six weeks later I went back for a follow up and she told me I could resume exercising. I confessed I had already started- although at a much slower pace, and much less than before. She said that was fine- keep it up. I admit I wasn’t pushing myself very hard- but I was “sick”- I had something permanently wrong with me. ( okay- so maybe I was a little whiney and being a baby)
At my 12 week check up she asked again “Are you doing your 3 miles yet?”
“No-I haven’t got that far yet
“Well, you’ve gained 2 lbs since your last visit. That 3 miles was just helping you maintain. You need to get yourself back there. Folks with Hypothyroidism have weight problems”
I’m not sure- but I think she may have seen the daggers flying out of my eyes. While I didn’t say so, I was pretty mad. How dare she say that to me. She just called me fat and lazy, at least that’s what I heard. Well, I’m going to show her. I was filled with righteous indignation. And following an old pick-up, that probably gets a gallon a mile, at 45mph all the way home, gave me that much more time to stew about my mean doctor.
You know when I got home I went straight to the treadmill. I was going be fit by my next appointment in mid- August. I was going to be 12 lbs down..... My righteous rage fueled me for a few weeks, and then I started to falter. I had my 3miles back, but I wasn’t seeing results in the weight loss dept. On July 8th I headed for spark people, and found a supportive hypothyroid group.
I’d like to say I lost the 12lbs by my mid August appointment, but as you probably guessed, I didn’t. I lost 3 and so far nothing else has come off. But while I haven’t been losing weight, I have been gaining a great deal of knowledge from lots of other people, who like me, are struggling to lose weight with hypothyroidism. And from that group of extremely supportive people, I’ve learned that I’m really going to have to step it up. My 45 mins on the treadmill has become an hour, and I’m working on increasing incline and speed, as well as adding strength training and another 30 mins of some form of cleaning or yard work, or a dvd work out . I don’t always manage this everyday. I’ve also learned I’m really going to have to cut calories more, people with hypo have a slow metabolism. I’ve been working at lowering my calorie intake gradually, so I don’t lay away at night and listen to my stomach growl. My goals have also changed. It’s no longer about proving to my doctor I can lose 12lbs. It’s about taking care of myself, learning how to live healthy, be strong, and teaching my kids a healthy life style so they don’t have to learn it on their own later. While I do not weigh less, I am stronger, and my rear, thighs and stomach are much firmer. And I’m no longer mad at my doctor, she did me a HUGE favor, and I’m pretty sure she knows it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VALLITTLEMAMA5 4/1/2012 4:48PM

    Yeah, those first pounds are always the easiest, aren't they? I don't have hypothyroidism, but I've got Baby Weight, and that's Very Stubborn! Hope you can break below the plateau you're on.

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MARIAGRACE111 9/7/2011 12:29PM

    Sounds like you have a good doctor. I had a very similar experience with mine when I was diagnosed. Our bodies are just too efficient! We give them calories and they squeeze out so much energy out of each one that they can stockpile the extra on our hips, thighs, tummy, etc. Who are we to argue with that?
Losing weight with hypothyroidism is like fighting an uphill battle. It takes a lot of time, determination, persistence and forgiveness. Just keep going. And use your measuring tape! Scales lie.
BTW, thank you for commenting on my blog! I'm adding you as a friend.

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40XFORTY 9/1/2011 5:33PM

    emoticon Slow metabolism makes it challenging, but not impossible. Keep up the hard work, you can do it!

I understand about the dr, the last time I made excuses {whined, really} about my weight he offered me a prescription for phentermine. I'd rather he discuss nutrition and fitness than throw drugs at the problem. {I declined btw}.
Here's to a great September and a healthier you! emoticon

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    :) I loved your blog. I was super upset and whiny when I found out I had hypothyroidism, heck sometimes I still am haha. You are right though we need to kick butt even more now that we have this. It's nice to be here and have support from people who are going through the same thing. I would have been pissed at your doctor too lol, but it was a good thing that helped you and that's all that counts. Keep up the good work :)

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KA_JUN 8/31/2011 3:04PM

    Good blog, and great way to harness your anger as a catalyst for implementing your healthy lifestyle! Good doc, for breaking it down and telling it as it is, even if it wasn't necessarily the most diplomatic way to do it. I know I needed it to be put to me bluntly.

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