Monday, August 01, 2011
July was a rough month for me. I spent most of the month overstressed, overtired, run ragged, depressed and frustrated. TOO MUCH DOING & not enough "being". I used to have a therapist who would remind me that I needed to spend more time as a Human BEing and less of a human DOing. I've spoken before about my feelings that if I keep moving "they can't get me"... whomever they may be.
The worst of July was the HEAT combined with the fact that I spent 5-nights a week sleeping in the van in Stuart where my DH was working. It was really dragging me down. I was hurting all the time & it was getting worse. I was having to use my cane all the time again. Much prayer was lifted up that I would not have to continue to make that long drive & sleep in that van.....
Be careful what you pray for..... Thursday my DH lost his job. On the bright side.. I no longer have to make that long drive & I don't have to sleep in the van anymore! That is DEFINITELY prayers being answered. The fact that I now have to figure out how to support a family of 6 on less than $800 per month adds to stress... but after only 3 days of sleeping in my own bed, I am already hurting less & able to leave the cane alone more and more.
The positives in my life for July....
I had 4 grandchildren celebrate birthdays! Mallory, Lilianna, McKayla & Aurora. That's something to be grateful for!
My friend Ruth, who also celebrated a birthday in July, came out of the coma that she was in & while she is suffering from pretty extensive brain damage, she is doing much better than was expected. More answers to prayer. I got to visit her on Saturday at an assisted living facility where she is now staying. We had a wonderful visit & she DID recognize me while I was there so that was special. I made her a photo album through the 25 years of our friendship & she & I spent a long time going over and over the pictures... sometimes she'd recognize folks and sometimes not. I hope that it will help her. I am so grateful that she is doing as well as she is. It is a GREAT blessing to remember July for.
I didn't lose any weight in July but I didn't GAIN any weight in July. Another blessing considering all the birthday parties & the stress I have been under.
MY THOUGHTS ABOUT AUGUST.....
1. It's still hot so I am concentrating on drinking plenty of plain clear water!
2. Fruits & veggies are plentiful so I am enjoying them to the fullest!
3. The outdoor pool is still open so I am spending as much time there as I can enjoying the fun & fitness I find there.
4. I am saving gas by not having to drive to Stuart!
5. I have the opportunity to get better & MORE sleep. I am going to TAKE THAT OPPORTUNITY & try to let this old body do some healing.
6. I have put my foot down & told all the ADULTS in my house that they need to get JOBS! I am going to keep that foot down.... or perhaps I should put on a boot and apply it to some bottoms!
7. I am remembering to be grateful for all the many blessings that I have... a great job, family & friends that love & support me, grandchildren who are all healthy, a house to live in, a vehicle that is drivable... life is GOOD!
8. August is going to be the month that I break this plateau. I AM DETERMINED!
Bright blessings to you all. I'm committing to posting MORE blogs and to doing more Sparking. Let's ROCK August! Love, Dawn
Monday, July 04, 2011
A water aerobic student/friend of mine, whom I admire very much for being very fit & in shape, asked me a tough question after class yesterday . She said that while she has heard my story & knows that I have lost over 100 pounds, she wanted to know HOW I LET MYSELF GET THAT BIG to begin with. Good question. Tough question. A question that I have asked myself over and over through the years as I have gone up and down the scale.
I really didn't know how to answer. I gained a lot of weight when I stopped drinking. In 12-step programs we call that transfering addictions. It's just another excuse. How does any SANE person get to weigh 450 pounds? Reality for me was/is what I call "DEATH BY SPOON". Self abuse. Self loathing. Emotional eating. Stress eating. It all boils down to negativity in the long run.
Someone I really love & admire made a comment to me back in the fall. It has been eating at me ever since. He said that I had a "martyr core". GOSH. Is that right? In 12-step programs we are told that when something bothers us it must ring true & it is something that we need to work on. That statement has been gnawing at me since he said it. I don't know what to do with it. Is the stress of that partially responsible for my plateau? I have only lost 9 pounds since Jan 2011. Am I punishing myself again? Do I need to head back to the therapist?
This is NOT supposed to be a negative blog. Today is July the 4th. In America it is the celebration of our Freedom! Today I am celebrating the freedom that I have found from the bondage of uncontrolled emotional eating! I am a survivor! I haven't come this far to give up now! I am NOT going to commit DEATH BY SPOON! I am NOT going to give up or give in. It doesn't matter what other people think about me or assume to be true about me. I am what I am and who I am and I will lift my head and celebrate it. I will try harder & beat myself up less. I will STOP giving in to negative thinking! I will NOT allow others to define who I am. Let Freedom Ring!
Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I have a lot of stress in my life. Yes, I need to be tougher and to use tough love on many of those folks in my life. Yes, I could do better. TODAY... I proclaim here & now that I am NOT going to give in to negativity! I will not allow darkness to envelope the Spark that I have found. I will nurse that Spark along until it blazes brighter than ever and I am able to find my way off this plateau & out of this "funk" that I have been in lately. I will make better choices for myself & I will stand up a little bit taller every day. I am worth it. I deserve it. SO DO YOU!!!!!
Today... take a look at yourself and your life. Embrace the freedoms that you have. Most importantly, remember that you have the FREEDOM TO CHOOSE! Choose good health! Choose to eat healthy & to exercise. Choose to track your food & fitness. Choose to spread the spark instead of hiding in the darkness of depression & despair. LET FREEDOM RING!
Happy 4th of July everyone... thanks for asking the tough questions! Remember to count your blessings! Love, Dawn
Monday, June 13, 2011
In the wee hours of the morning on Monday, June 13th 1977 I sat at my mother's bedside holding her hand as she passed away. This particular event changed the course of my life drastically and forever. I had never had a weight problem prior to that day. I gained 75 pounds during that summer. Since then I have been up and down the scale many times, mostly up. I never reached the weight that I was the day that she died. I was 18 years old and had just graduated high school 3 days before. I was very athletic, as was my mother & siblings. I weighed 147 pounds. I will never see that weight again.
The range of emotions that I have today are broad range. Many times through out the years I have pondered the link between the abuses of my childhood, my mother's death and my weight gain. Death by spoon is the only why that I can describe my journey UP the scale.
Through the years I have spent a LOT of time in therapy and 12-step meetings. I've written journal after journal. I've cried & screamed & self-abused more than I'd ever like to admit. I've never felt good enough or comfortable in my own skin. However, I am a survivor. I am still here and still surviving. No matter what I will NEVER give up on finding my way back to the ME I know that I am. That may not make any sense to you. It isn't meant to. It makes sense to me.
The most important thing that I can share with you about today is that TODAY, I can honestly say that I loved & miss my mother. For all the issues that I have and have NOT dealt with, the truth remains, she was my mother & I loved her. I am grateful for the time that I had with her because it has made me who I am. For all my faults, I am a strong, determined and tenacious woman. I am grateful for all that I have experienced in my life.
TODAY.... June 13th 2011.... I have spent 5 hours in the YMCA pools that I LOVE! I am blessed beyond words to have a job that I not only enjoy but I LOVE! I get paid to do what I love and get healthy at the same time. I work with people that are also trying to get healthy or stay healthy and I have learned to love them as the family of choice they have become. I have been Sparking along today because here too I have found people to embrace as more family of choice. I have been blessed today to spend time with my best friend, with my family, with coworkers that I like and students that I adore. My heart is full & I am grateful beyond belief. Thank you for sharing today with me.
Bright blessings to you all. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for you.
Now I'm going to share a quote that was in another blog I read today. It touched my heart & I want to share it with you. I hope that it touches yours.
“Life is never easy and just when you think you're seeing some light another switch gets turned off. …. Now more than ever don’t dwell on the what’s and why’s that sadden the day - for every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back and even minutes are pretty precious.” -unknown (posted in JOSEPHINE1231's blog)
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