Monday, April 02, 2012
It looks like my last blog entry was a year and a half ago. And after a year and a half, I've gained back even more weight than I had lost. It's frustrating, but also nice to know I have a plan that works and is healthy. My view on losing weight is much different than it was before and I have lots of motivation and support to do it right this time and keep it that way. I've hesitated to say much this time as I wanted to make sure I could start this right, but I have started and in a week have lost 8 pounds. Mostly water weight, surely - but still a very inspiring start.
I had been seriously preparing myself for getting healthy and losing weight for a while now, and have been making small changes - primarily doing most of my cooking at home as opposed to my eat-out-or-don't-eat habits I had fallen into. I had been adding in more veggies and better foods in general. But as I had stopped tracking calories and am quite the glutton - I had been steadily gaining weight - especially in the last 6 months. Last week I tipped the scales at 327 pounds -more than I have ever weighed before. I spent about an hour in near breakdown mode -but then decided it was time to stop lamenting weight gain and my sad, sad state - and get it started.
Part of this newfound determination stems from the fact that in March I found out that I had been offered a fellowship - which is utterly exciting news. But this fellowship would have me potentially working with dancers and have me traveling a lot. So after the initial excitement - the first thing that happened was I think about how I'm going to be the fattest person there - which honestly sums up most of my interactions - but next to a bunch of dancers- I might possibly be as big as 3 of them put together - and the planes I'll have to ride on - :(. I hate being the fat girl in the airplane. Seeing people's face fall as they realize they'll be sitting next to a fat passenger, worrying that I'll be told I'll have to purchase an extra ticket (and being that I'm in grad school - I really won't be in a position to afford such a thing) , having to shimmy my body in and feel uncomfortable in a little seat. It just won't do. I'm tired of having every moment of my life - especially the ones that should be happy - be clouded by the fact that I am FAT. I'm tired of that nagging voice in my head that is ever-present- making me feel guilty, unworthy, or unlovable. It just won't do anymore.
So here I am, a week later, eight pounds lighter, and again believing that it is possible. The voice in my head is still there, but at least now there is a reprieve. It's a little quieter, and accompanied by a voice that says "You're doing it! You can do it this time! Please do it this time". And I intend quiet the bad voice, and embrace the good one.
So, I'll get to what I wanted to do before. I never set out concrete goals last time - and this time, I want to do so. I ideally would like to be down to 294 by the time I leave on May 28th for my fellowship orientation. I realize this is an aggressive goal, but I believe I can do it.
Start 3/26 - 327
Goal 4/2 - 322 Actual: 319 (-8 lbs!)
Goal 4/9- 317
Goal 4/16 - 312
Goal 4/23 - 309
Goal 4/30 - 306
Goal 5/7 - 303
Goal 5/14 - 300
Goal 5/21 - 297
Goal 5/28 - 294
This will be crunch time, but I think it will give me the boost of confidence I need - both for weight loss and for my life in general. I'm off to a great start, and this post has motivated to fianlly make that appointment with the personal trainer that I've been talking about (As soon as my ankle, which I sprained last Thursday, heals up).
Anyway, here's to the beginning of a wonderful journey!
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sooo, as it's easy to tell, I've been gone for a little bit.
I'm hoping this blog will really help me set some things into stone and get back on track.
So with my brother visiting in July, my move in August, and my slow adjustment in September, I've gotten majorly off track. I've not been tracking my intake consistently, I haven't been exercising, and I've been eating like a fool. Thank goodness, I've started making better decisions about food as a whole so my weight gain hasn't been as bad as I would have expected. I've gained around 2-4 pounds (depending on when I weigh). I feel like I've gained it all back though. lol
I've pretty much fallen into depression mode which I am now working actively to get out of (I had to wallow for about a week, but I'm passed that and am ready to take action.)
I still am falling a little behind on my schoolwork and am having difficulty adjusting to the new and heavy workload. I have this tendency of when I get overwhelmed to just shut down completely because I'm just not sure where to start. So from now on, I'm going to map out priorities, and really work on just focusing on one thing and getting it done. I also want to make a goal of working no less than 2 hours on school work EVERY day, and some days even more than that. I really need to set up a schedule (and stick with it)
I need to stop spending so much money. It's definitely budget time. The goal I'd like to shoot for is less than $100 a week. Even better would be if I only spent the money that I earn from my job. This should be easy since they have this nifty system of putting all of your money on this visa card. That way it's never connected to my larger checking account.
And I need to stop eating out of boredom, stop binging, and start exercising.
So from now on, I'm going to track NO MATTER WHAT. If this means wanting to cry every time I see the tally, then so be it. If I start to eat out and worry I won't be able to remember to track, I will write it down.
I seem to do fine all day until it is night and then I just go insane. I'm seriously thinking of compromising with my brain and telling myself that if I don't go crazy and eat 600+ calories of junk, I can have two beers or a gin and tonic. lol. Ideally though, I'll just start snacking better. I think I'll brush my teeth at 10 pm instead of when I go to bed. After I brush my teeth, it's usually easier for me to stop eating.
If I do decide to snack on bad stuff, I really need to work on keeping it to a minimum. I guess that means it's time to meal plan again.
Exercise: I have to AT LEAST play Just Dance 10 minutes a day. Preferably in the morning.
I hope this isn't too much to start doing. It's all stuff I had under control a few months ago though :/
It also really helps for me to lay out a plan of action instead of just saying "I need to be better" (Thanks for that tip, sparkpeople!)
Anyway, stuff isn't all bad. I'm thinking I'm going to visit friends in Tahlequah on Wednesday and see my little brother on Thursday. Part of what is depressing me so much is being so far from my loved ones. So while seeing them might make it harder to come back home to a place I don't know anyone, it will be refreshing and great for my heart to see them for a little bit.
Also, I love my new job! I'm working at Lane Bryant and even though I hated retail when I worked it 8 years ago, I don't mind it now. The people are all nice so far and I know this sounds weird, but part of me really likes the simplicity of just hanging and folding clothes and helping women find the right outfit. Folding and hanging are such simple menial tasks, but I'm able to just go on autopilot and just sort of think about stuff, and when I'm done, it looks nice and in order! lol. I'm kind of weird like that. Plus, as a big woman myself, I understand the frustration of shopping for clothes, and really love helping other women have a great shopping experience where they leave with an outfit they like and looks good and feel good about the whole process instead of frustrated and humiliated. Oh, and the discount is nice too. :)
I'm feeling really excited about grad school. I'd feel even more excited if I could get a handle on this workload. But this will come in time as long as I legitimately apply myself and work on stuff as much as I should. Like I said earlier, no less than 2 hours a day. (See how this has become a pep talk for myself? lol)
Anyway. That's my deal. Hope everyone else is doing great!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
So I've been out of the 300's for a few weeks now, but wanted to hold off and make sure it was for real and I wanted to make this post.
We've known each other for a while now. You've drifted in and out of my life but I just wanted to let you know that the last time we spent together will be the last time we ever see each other. I hate to say it, but really, I hated the time I spent with you. I mean, sure we did some fun stuff together. We ate a lot of tasty meals and spent a lot of time at the bar, but really, I could've had more fun doing those things without you. I've gotten to the point where you no longer fit into my life. I don't want this letter to sound spiteful, but just for my own sake, I need to air my grievances with you and tell you the things I will not miss about you lest I ever consider coming back.
The mere number. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to tell people we ever knew each other. I only recently told any of my loved one's about our involvement (But I'm sure they could tell before I said anything). I feel more comfortable talking about it though now, mostly because I know you're gone.
The way you made my stomach feel. Not just how I felt nauseated when I saw your appear on the scale, but how that was where you really made your appearance on me. 200s might not be perfect but they treat my stomach way better than you ever did. And I've heard the 100s are the best.
3x tshirts. While any shirts with an X are lame, 3X are the worst. Now that you're gone, those shirts swallow me and I can happily give them away to other people. And hopefully some of my 'kickin' 300 to the curb' vibes will stick on them and take you out of their lives as well.
The way you made me feel. Not only was I just so tired and worn out when you were around, just knowing you were with me made me feel silly for doing anything like dancing or going swimming. You were so lame that you made me feel lame.
Pretty much everything about you really. I will say, however, that I feel a kinship with anyone else who has known you or is involved with you. At least you've given me that.
But mostly, I'm just so glad you're out of my life.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
I had to split this blog entry up because the last one ended up being long and rambly, and this just seems like it belongs somewhere else.
So, we had a local farmer's market today and I was really excited because I had to throw out all of my veggies today and was looking forward to restocking with some locally grown goodness. And oh man, it's been great. Check out my loot:
Nothing beats homegrown tomatoes.
So, as I mentioned, I had to throw away all of my vegetables. Why? Because I let a frozen chicken thaw in the fridge without putting it in a bowl or something and it leaked disgusting chicken juice all over the bottom of the refrigerator, including the vegetable and fruit drawers. So, I had to do a major clean-up of the thing. I don't have a before picture (It was bad before the chicken incident, I would never publicly humiliate myself by showing the full glory of its horribleness) but I do have an after picture:
I am enamored with it now lol. Although, it doesn't seem to have anything worth much nutritional value other than the yogurt,eggs, and red beans. hehe. I need to restock and knowing what I actually have will make it easier to make a list.
One thing I've realized is that I have been wasting soooooo much money on groceries that I never eat. It was even worse before I started cooking more and getting healthier, but it still happens. I just go the store and grab everything I think I may need. I've already been sort of planning my meals, but I'm going to start being even more meticulous about it simply so I won't over-buy and end up chunking out $60 worth of unopened groceries that went bad because I didn't need them and forgot about them.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
So, 4th of July weekend and willpower? Let's just say they never connected. It's not upsetting me as much as it probably should, because I did some major damage over the weekend. But, I'm taking the 'you live and you learn' approach to this, so it's a lesson as well. I started Saturday out pretty good. I knew I was going to be over indulging that day, so I tried to eat some nutritional stuff for breakfast. It used to be that on a day I knew I'd be going overboard, I would make it count by starting the first meal of the day. I did the expected amount of damage that night (Over 3K cals for the day, eeek). But, whatever, I knew it was going to happen. One thing that was different this time was that my body wasn't happy about this indulgence. At all. I had some stomach-area unrest.
Sunday started out okay, I ate a good breakfast, but those damned leftovers got me. Fruit pizza, jambalaya, potato salad, etc etc. I eventually had to leave my parents house, partly because I had work to do, and partly because the fridge was slowly taking over my soul. So, I went home, and instead of working on my capstone, I played Animal Crossing and sent the dangerous "What are you doing tonight?" text to a friend. I really wish I would've counted my calories before doing that. I would've made it through the day okay, around 2000 cals, which isn't good, but not bad either. But, I didn't. And 10 ozs of vodka and 6 hours later, I end up at McDonalds. Urgh. Even though I know that was a really unhealthy choice, I will say that I only ordered a biscuit and a hashbrown, and before changing my habits I would've ordered a biscuit, 2 hashbrowns, and maybe even something else without thinking. Especially after drinking. And it was good, but not that many calories good, and I didn't want any more when I woke up. Sooooo, I almost vomited when I added up the damage the weekend did, but I definitely don't want to do it again. And it was easy to get back on track, and even gave me a bit more motivation to get my ass moving.
So....I lived and I learned.
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