Day 45 - Bullying

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A little off topic but....

I have a couple of “friends” - although if you spent more than 5 minutes in their company you would question that term – who have known each other for years.

I've known them since I was about 7. Growing up in the country regions of NSW in a town called Broke (yes its true – do a Google:) there weren't many kids around and they both had siblings who were much older so they were both growing up sort of as the only “child” in their family.

James I guess was the more obviously cool kid one – academically gifted and was always into sports – swimming was real passion even when he was 6 or 7 and he had hopes of getting into it competitively later on life.

Michael was also intelligent but was not quite as outgoing and tended to not be as much of a class clown as James so didn't get as much attention. What I DO remember about Michael was that he was just a really caring, kind kid who had his own funny sense of humour and would always be there no matter what you needed.

You could see that Michael idolised James and they were thick as thieves

When it came to going to high school “in town” (in Australia high school starts at 12'ish years old) they were both looking forward to a new adventure. By that age they physically looked much different – Michael's Mum had opened a convenience store in the small town and he spent much of his time working in the store repacking shelves and eating a lot of lollies by the looks of him!

Over the summer before high school started Michael had packed on more weight – I remember him talking about being really nervous about high school and being picked on but he knew his mate James would look out for him – we were all going to the same high school so we assumed there would be safety in numbers.

The first day of high school dawned and as James and Michael got on the bus they just seemed a little weird with each other – James was poking fun at Michael's new weight gain – in good humour – but he just wouldn't leave it alone through the whole first trip to a new high school.

Within just a few minutes of the first lunch time starting, kids started to pick on Michael about his weight. Puberty seems to trigger the mean gene in many kids.

James was straight in there and made sure that Michael was kept out of harms way. It continued like this I guess for quite a few months but the awful thing to see was the change in James.

As those terrible teens hit James still defended Michael in public but I could see that James was starting to get embarrassed about being around Michael and I would hear James harassing Michael about his weight and how he needed to do something.

It got worse over the years – Michael didn't give up on the friendship (I guess they were set to be friends for life and he would often tell James he “wanted to be him when he grew up”) but James always seemed to be at Michael about his weight, his clothes, his hair – there were days when the friendly banter got pretty nasty and I really felt sorry for Michael having to put up with it.

He was publicly bullied every day and then James would be in his ear every morning and night about being fat, about looking awful, sniping and picking at him at every chance.

As they grew older they remained in contact but the bullying just seemed to get nastier and more personal – James was on a mission it seemed – I just couldn't understand their relationship but who knows what defines a friendship I guess.

Michael ended up being quite a loner in his adult life because of his weight – many was the time I would encourage him to go out but he always some excuse or other - but James never allowed the friendship to dwindle or to disintegrate – I mean they were buddies and hung out all the time but the basis of their friendship really became more about James feeling good about putting Michael down.

James did really well for himself - had carved himself out a very successful career and family quite early on – he'd used his academic talents well and had become what society would deem a balanced and successful individual

But his achilles heel seemed to be his friendship with Michael - you could see it - at parties, at dinner – every time I saw them there was a constant barrage of criticism from James and Michael just took it. I just did NOT understand why they remained friends.

The bullying just seemed to get worse over time – I'd heard that at one stage Michael was so depressed – I guess over his weight battle – that he attempted suicide in his early 20's .

Michael didn't actually tell me about this – we were all out one night very drunk and James as usual was picking on Michael about something or other and then I overhead James laugh to himself and quietly tell Michael he was such a loser he couldn't even manage to suicide successfully.

I was devastated and I made it my mission to try and break up this toxic friendship – how could someone who was apparently a best friend be this cruel to his friend who was clearly suffering deeply.

Michael really hit bottom after the suicide attempt – he started to drink heavily and it seemed like every time we spoke he was either hung over or drunk. This went on for years into his 30's and 40's.

Gambling started to take hold as well and whilst he was earning a decent living he threw most of it away .

I never really understood – the Michael I knew was an amazing human being, full of love and compassion for others but he just didn't seem to be able to find any love for himself.

James and he remained in their bizarre friendship throughout this time – James seemed to take some perverse delight in Michael's downward spiral.

In the end I just let it be – it wasn't up to me to try and fix this broken relationship I guess.

Fast forward to today. I was doing some New Year calls to friends and decided to give Michael a ring and see how he was - after quite a few years.

Everytime I spoke to him previously I always managed to include some comment about him ending the friendship with James – move on for Gods sake – enough is enough.

I finally asked him what the deal was – why the hell he and James were still friends after this many years and he told me.

And he told me.

He had no one else that understood him. He had no one else that really understood what he was going through. Because even though James was forever picking on him, bullying him and never left him alone about his weight he was the one person that had stuck with him through thick and thin. Because James was the only person that Michael felt that he could be himself with – while many of us saw the terrible way that James treated him there was an underlying bond that kept them together.

But – thank God - they had parted ways only a few months ago after Michael finally stood up to him and told James that he was not about spend another 50 years being bullyed by someone and they ended their friendship.

I asked Michael what actually happened – what was the thing that made him finally ditch James.

And he told me.

He finally accepted that he could never be James – that he was meant for a different path and no matter how much he tried to be James, emulate James, be the typically normal, succesful human that James was – the standard to which society says we should aspire – it was just wrong.

He was himself – a caring, loving man who had never allowed himself to be just him, a man who had never stopped and seen the good in himself.

A man who was so broken by his weight, his depression, the constant bullying, the inability of others to understand that the comfort of food, the numbness of drinking and the artificial highs of gambling were all better than facing the pain. A man who spent his entire life battling the scars from the abuse and hate that so many had piled upon him because he looked different. A man who never tried to just be with himself, who never stopped to wonder what could be if he simply made peace with who he was – if just allowed himself be himself.

And now he was ready to accept that he was someone who had worth. Some one who, at his core, was a compassionate, caring loving man who only saw the good in people and who trusted to a fault - no matter how many times he was beaten down by others. He could always see that at their essence everyone wants the same thing. To be recognised as beings of worth, to be respected and to be allowed to just be who we are.

He had finally started to seek peace within instead of trying to find comfort from hiding and eating and slowly destroying himself.

He was finally ready to give in and just let himself.... be.

….

And yes – Michael and James are ME - James the bitter unfulfilled me that has never been happy and Michael the overweight me who never lived up to my own expectations.

I am the person who continued to believe that James' path was the one I should travel and that Michael's path was the one I would forever be stuck with.

I am the person who allowed James - myself - to bully me to the point where I was almost snuffed out of existence and spent most of my life pretending to others that I was fine.

And I am now the person that is starting to understand that the bully in me is wrong – there is more to me than just the fat that has defined my actions, my relationships and my life for so many years.

I have sometimes questioned why, in my late 40's, I was given an opportunity to work in the middle east. The circumstances that bought me here were odd - working for a small ticketing company in Sydney in a middle mgt position and suddenly here I am in Dubai because they decided to open one other branch halfway across the world and myself and 2 other people were sent to get it going. Huh?

I strongly believe in the fact that everything happens for a reason - and I have sometimes questioned what bought me here and away from home.

And only now am I starting to see the why.

Of all the places in the world, I end up in a place where drinking - while available - does not mean you can pick up a bottle at the pub (a what?) and go home and drown. And where gambling is illegal.

Too coincidental I think - someone out there is looking out for me.

And after 3 years of wondering why I am really here I am starting understand. I have somehow been given a chance to hit the pause button on my old life, stop, take a breath and look at where I am.

And only now, after so long, am I finally able to feel - that's all - just feel. Feel all that pain and anger and hurt. And be ok with it. And be able to accept it and start to move on from it.

The weight of all of those years is starting to lift off my shoulders and finally - at nearly 50 - do I feel I can start to just let myself ... be who I am.

To let myself just...be.


So to any of you who may have stumbled across this blog and seen some of your life in mine – stay true and know that you too have a path to be travelled and you are a person of worth...whether or not you know it yet.

Thanks for reading.

D

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Day 44 - My internal brat.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

To those of you who told me at the start of my journey that all my excitement and energy and over exercising might just be the honeymoon period and to take it cautiously my sincere apologies.

I do believe I responded in my head with a few “whatevers” and smirked to myself there was no WAY this was a honeymoon period – this was for LIFE!!!!!

OK OK – you were right – the honeymoon lasted about 2 weeks – and I didn't even get to go anywhere exciting like Tahiti OR any of the other benefits of a honeymoon (!).

But – after falling down and feeling low and blue for a few weeks I am readjusting my attitude and am starting to feel much more connected to what I am trying to do.

Yes there is still that whiny annoying little kid in my head who occasionally stamps his foot and wants to know WHY I shouldn't be able to lose 8 kilos a week, living off celery and exercising 3 hours a day but he's starting to get the message.

Through the good fortune (if you can call it that) of having a lot to lose AND being a guy I have managed to lose about 2.5 kilos this week just from willpower and applying myself – that kind of weight loss per week won't last but its nice to get the kick start which means I am almost now 10% of the way to my goal (queue whiny impatient brat complaint along the lines of but that will take FOREVER).

As for exercise – I tried too hard at the start and just sickened myself of walking and huffing and puffing too quickly. Am getting by on a little every other day and I know I will get back into it properly when I am ready.

So – it maybe Day 44 but I am back at the start – in a good way this time – and its actually OK.

Spark on:)

D

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Day 42 - it feels good.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

A short blog because it would seem I am actually trying to do more than just sit at the PC! Is it possible that I may actually try to get a life - I have 2 social things setup for today so thats a great start towards my goal of getting more social.

Starting to get that spark back and fighting off the blahs - and it feels good.

I have a lot of weight to lose so I can be very good for a day and lose a kilo - which happened this morning and onto another good looking day - one step at a time as they say.

Right then - off to clean the HUGE living room windows - that will definitely count as my cardio for today.

Have a great day Sparkfriends:)

D

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Day 41 - this time taking a shortcut is the RIGHT thing to do!

Friday, January 14, 2011

DEAR YOU

Taking shortcuts and the easy road has been your thing – if there seems to be an easier, faster, probably riskier, way of doing it you will grab on with both hands. Fad diets, quick fixes – all resulting in eventual weight gain.

There really is no alternative to losing the weight – if you stop now it will just be another battle in a year or 2 when yet again you are over yourself and just need to do something. You may even be heavier than you are now.

And you may fail that time, wait a couple of years and try again.... and again... again

So take a short cut and do it this time- you will save yourself years of being miserable, years of feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, of buying clothes that you hate because they are so big, years of constant self loathing, of looking in the mirror and grimacing at your yourself and your body, years of avoiding small chairs and high stairs, years of hiding away and eating garbage that your body yet again has to deal with.

So really – whats the alternative – THERE ISN'T ONE. You either keep trying or you stay miserable and end up dying unhappy.

Kinda grim but true.

Lose the weight – do what you have to. And if you hit a plateau or feel despondent just keep doing SOMETHING to keep you in the right mindframe – maybe you won't lose for awhile but your head will still be in the game. Fake it if you have to.

You are here for a reason – whether you know it or not – and the right time to take action – ANY action - is now.

And if you don't feel motivated to do it then spend time motivating others – eventually you will get back on track because you will be reinforcing to others exactly you know needs to happen for yourself. And you may even find a truth in there somewhere that you didn't even know you knew.

So – yes – this time – take shortcut and save yourself years and kilos of misery.

Don't give up – don't EVER give up – because everyone deserves to be happy, healthy and being the best they can be – OK?

D

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Day 40 - Is that it - are we done now???

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How my days seem to be rolling lately.

HOW IT STARTS

Its about 5:00 a.m., pitch black and I am resigned to not getting back to sleep. By 5:15 the coffee is brewed and its on to Spark.

Pop into to as many friends as possible to say hi and read what going on for them - seems like Bootcamp is the flavour of the month at the moment!

On to the Wii to get some calories burnt - I WAS walking for about 45 minutes a day but - I hate to say this - my thighs were rubbing together so much that I ended up with major thigh burn that would not go away - TMI? - and my feet seemed to be feeling the pain of it so had to find something else to do for awhile.

Breakfast, fiddle around, brush teeth, fiddle around, have shower - right - procrastination washed away for the day.

Onto trading for the day.

HOW IT PROGRESSES

Lunch time rolls around and I have been trying to have dinner for lunch and a smaller dinner so I make the time to cook a wholesome and fairly healthy lunch.

Fiddle around, watch some tele, fiddle around - yes I know but I can just procrastinate so well!

AND THEN

The afternoon slump hits hard - I am running on less sleep than I should so try to have a nap which just doesn't work and I am feeling a tad groggy and underwhelmed by about 6:00 p.m. This is generally when my work day should be starting to peak with NY Markets opening so I have to maintain focus which has been hard lately and results in bad decisions being made.

HOW IT FINISHES

I get bummed about not trading well but....

WOW - even I am bored TYPING this - it must be excruciating to read!

In a nutshell - every day starts well but I seem to fade by late afternoon lately and run out of steam resulting in a highly carbed dinner (hence my recent toast blog:)

But - ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Starting again today - no more - Bert has been harassing me since NY and its time that he shut the hell up and moved on (Bert - better known as the blanket of fat that accompany's me where ever I go).

Kicking into gear and today will be a good one:)

Have a great day all!

D

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