Saturday, December 11, 2010
As I looked over Bert was cuddled up to me, sleeping quite soundly, his snores of contentment rattling in my ear as he dreamt of chocolate thickshakes and thick cut deep fried chips with good old Aussie tomato sauce and lots of salt. Bliss.
I snuck out of bed and decided that, being my birthday (Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me - singalong if you like LOL) I would do my first weigh in 1 day earlier than I should.
2.4 kilos/5.3 pounds lost in 6 days - WOOHOO - and I did it sensibly and not by starving myself! I looked down at the scales and thought to myself "Right its on - the warmup is finished and the marathon to lose 46 kilos has now officially started". I raised my hand up in the air and pretended to fire a starters pistol - *BANG*.
Bert (the 50 kilo blanket of fat I have dragged through life) woke up with a jolt, rubbed his eyes open with his chubby little fists and glared at me.
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BERT: What are you doing? I was asleep man!
ME: Yes I know those snores could peel paint of the wall! Just did my weigh in 2.4 kilos cool huh?
BERT: Hmmm well thats great. Geez you usually only last a few days and been almost a week every other time you have tried in the last few years its been 2 or 3 days max....
ME:" I know but I feel really motivated to keep going. Don't forget we have the gym assessment at 10 to get going on strength training.
BERT: Awesome.... although...ummm....
ME: What? Whats that about?
BERT: Well just about every other time you have tried its ended up in disappointment I care about ya buddy I don't want you end up feeling down when errr I mean IF (rolls his eyes) you fail this time. You know how depressed you get....its' your birthday we should have a treat you KNOW how much you love a good fry up for breakfast just this once its a treat... come on. Those nice soft fried eggs, lots of crunchy salty bacon mmmm I can taste it already
ME: Not happening have to get my cardio done and then its muesli, banana and toast. Although I think I can slip in some peanut better as a bit of a treat for you sound good? (I must admit I had a bit of a smirk at that one)
BERT: Hmmphhhh WHATEVER! wake me up when you have come to your senses.
Don't hold your breath Berty boy.
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I am looking forward to the next 12 months (something I have not done for many, many years).
I am looking forward to a lot of things changing big and small here's a few of them:
-Seeing my reflection in a window at the shopping centre and starting to like instead of hate what I see
- Looking at a fold up chair that has been offered for me to sit in and knowing it will NOT collapse when I sit in it
- Choosing laceups instead of slip ons because tieing my laces is too much effort some days
- Getting out of the car and not grunting to push myself up
- Walking into a clothes store and being able to choose what I want instead of just taking whatever random item they MIGHT have that I can fit into
- Looking in the mirror after I put on a t-shirt and not scowling at the man boobs that lump out from my chest
- Actually wanting to see people and be able to focus on them instead of how clumsy and lumpy I must look to them
- NOT having to pay stupid amounts to fly business class because the coach seats are just too small for me
- Biking around the neighbourhood with the Ipod and just .. enjoying ... being
- Having that nagging, failure voice start to get quieter and smaller as I reach each goal
- Finally getting to go tandem skydiving I did this for my 40th when I could JUST get under the weight limit (100 kilos) and its on the list for the 50th. Falling through a cloud is a amazing!
- Allowing myself to feel happy every now and then without immediately bringing myself down about my weight
- Reconnecting with friends I have lost because I couldn't stand the thought of how uncomfortable I feel around them with this body of mine
- Being in the front of the photo instead hiding behind everyone at the back
- Believing that there is a future and allowing myself to dream about what I want to accomplish - I haven't dreamed about doing anything for sooo long - it will take some practice just to get to that headspace :)
The next year will be full of obstacles and hurdles I won't kid myself but with my new found sense of purpose, my new found Sparkfriends who I know will be there every step of the way and Bert being served his eviction notice for November 2011 (yes he just gave me another eye roll :) I absolutely know I can do this.
Bring it on 50 AND FIT!
Have a great Sparkday everyone I know I will
Thursday, December 09, 2010
I am really starting to find that blogging and sharing is starting to bring to the front of my mind all of the things that have been hanging in the background their turn to be recognised.
For example yesterday I came to realise how much my procrastinative (word?) approach has damaged me - in the end its made me less active and more able to pick up that delicious, fatty alternative that will keep me distracted and full until I have my next thing I need to procrastinate about.
The emotional workout is as important - and I am starting to think MORE important - than the physical one. Measuring a number of minutes exercised or calories gives you a real sense of purpose and feeling of achievement but that little fat kid being bullied and beaten is still in there scarred and alone and scared of getting close to anyone.
Its been over 30 years and I can still remember the day that Jack Maguire - the cool kid in class who everyone wanted to hang around with - came up to me and chatted to me. I was stunned - he had never even acknowledged me in a positive way- it felt so good for someone this cool to be talking to me - I was so excited and thought maybe this would be the end of the daily abuse yelled across the hall and abuse from him and his group - maybe he was mending his ways - finally!
What I didn't know was that Jack was distracting me so that Jamie Andrews could take a running start behind me - he ran jumped and landed the full force of a body punch on my back that sent me to the ground and left me gasping for air - physically and emotionally.
Its a memory I carry with me from that day until now - I don't why really because I was obese from the age of 7 - so why that one - why do I carry it with me everywhere I journey.
After years of being abused at school about my weight maybe that was the last straw - maybe that was the day my heart finally closed the doors and said no more. Was that the day when I couldn't find a single positive thing to keep me going and I decided that I hated myself, my body and who I was - that there was nothing about me that could ever outshine the blobby fat unloveable lump that I was.
Then again my brother in law telling me in front of the whole family at dinner when I was 14 that my boobs were bigger than my sisters has hung around as well. For him it was an off the cuff funny comment - for me it was a dagger into my heart.
The more I think back the more I realise that there is layer upon layer of hurt and humiliation that has built a huge wall I am trapped behind - a fortress where no one can get in and I can't get out.
Pretty harsh words but it feels like its the honest truth.
Therapists and alternative medicinists (now I KNOW that's not a word - oh hang on) - practitioners - I have spoken to made me understand that the core of our emotions is around our core of our body near our stomach. The reasons I cram myself so full of food - to the point where I can hardly breathe - is to push down that emotional energy. Sure it all tastes really good but the effect it has is to render my emotions comatose - I don't have to feel depressed or alone or sad or self loathing when I have big gut full of KFC.
Don't get me wrong - this is not about me feeling depressed or down right now - this is about the light slowly coming on about what I have to do to heal myself not just physically but emotionally.
Usually this stuff stays well and truly buried unless I am very drunk or very very depressed.
To bring it out in the cold sober light of day is confronting and pretty uncomfortable - as I write this I can feel myself already giving 16 year old Dave his bus ticket to send him back to that schoolyard so we don't have to deal with this.
How awful to be so young and be growing up in a world that shuns you, taunts you and beats you up because of how you look - which has nothing to do with the way you feel or who you are. That kid is going to need a LOT of love and support - many days I feel like I have never really emotionally matured because I just shut that part of me down from my early years.
As a man writing this kind of stuff is hard - we're told to man up, don't cry, don't complain, be the strong one, bury your emotions - with no validation and no way to be able to express all the emotions we feel I wonder if that is where some men (and women) turn to violence and self destruction as their outlet.
Some of us fight, some of us become workaholics, some of us become alcoholics or become addicted to exercise - and some of us eat until we can no longer feel.
So where to from here.... time to start looking at how to heal the person inside as well as the person on the outside. I have done a little NLP (neuro linguistic programming) which seemed to work well so I might add that to my list of things to start looking at.
Until you love yourself you can not really be available for others to love you - loving myself is going to take some time - but I am open to the possibility:)
Give yourself a hug - you could really do with one.
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