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Day 8 - DANGER - Emotional Eater Ahead

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Having had a very bad day on the work front yesterday I walked into the kitchen with the intention of blowing off some steam = ordering delivery from Chilli's!

I live ny myself so I do tend to fall prey to my emotions pretty easily - maybe if I was sharing someone I would be less like to get so focused on resolving issues with food ... hmmm - another time.

Got myself under control and cooked dinner - not too unhealthy all in all. That was followed later on by what I would usually have as a breakfast all in one - half and half, frozen berries, a weetabix and yoghurt. Again not a great way to end the day but certainly not bad.

Didn't sleep well again last night and in a bit of a funk today. Had breakfast before cardio knowing I really don't like doing cardio after breakfast blah blah blah - you get the picture - just crabby really.

BUT - I need to get some food items and I promised myself yesterday I would walk to the supermarket - I think its about 8k - so its on for today.

After all I am the one who keeps saying that you can't POSSIBLY feel bad after some cardio right?

Hopefully there will be a PS in a few hours to indicate mood is up and the walk was great!

Hope you all have a great spark day :)

P.S. Walk done and feeling muuuch better:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REALLYHOPIN 12/17/2010 6:46AM

    again... I'm liking what I'm reading!

Keep on being good to yourself!


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JEAN111766 12/14/2010 10:15PM

    You did it David!!! Way to go for working it out and making the right chices!!!!! We are doing this!!! Don't fall to those temptations !!! emoticon

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NEWHORIZONSR4ME 12/14/2010 6:40PM

    Great healthy choices in response to your emotions. One step at a time, and you'll get there. Pat yourself on the back you deserve it. Have you thought about putting up some motivating thoughts, words, pics etc in your kitchen. Go to things when the emotions are running high? Take care...

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DUTCHPETE641 12/14/2010 9:26AM

    Just make sure you don't get too hot walking in the blazing sunshine!
That is a stupid remark, you are from Oz for good sake!!

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JHADZHIA 12/14/2010 7:51AM

    A lot of people have trouble with Emotional Eating, its the biggest Spark team on here. When we got a Chili's here for the first time and Mom was eager to try it out, I looked up their menu nutrition online and was stunned - couldn't believe what a calorie bomb it was! So many meals well over 1,000 calories and many taking up the whole daily requirement!! YIKES! I was going to have a baked potato with a bowl of chili but I couldn't find that on the menu, though was told later it was, just called something else.
The key is to buy only healthy food for your apartment so you are not tempted to snack on or scarf down any poor choices..I had to give up my buttery popcorn for that very reason. I would scarf down one big bag or two every day!! Talk about the ultimate comfort food! I work out lots, but it wasn't enough to make up that!
Hope you can get into your walk and some healthy shopping!

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NEVERMIND2010 12/14/2010 2:56AM

    I hope your day does get better. Yes, cardio is good for what ails you!

I should have gotten up and done mine before work, but I'll get it in later.

Have a great day, and enjoy your walk!

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Day 7 - stunned - am I starting to like my body?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Yesterday I went to have my first gym assessment.

After doing some strength and flexibility exercise I had to get onto one of those machines that scans your whole body and checks your lean muscle mass, your water percentage and so on.

Having drunk, eaten and smoked my way through my adult life - yes, I have punished my body in every way I can think - I expected the results to be pretty bad.

Well. The gym instructor pulled the results of the printer and sat down with me, giving me that you-know-the-results-will-be-bad-but-we-ca
n-do-this looks and we started to go through the results.

Lean muscle mass - slightly above average. Hmmm - I thought all that couch surfing would have resulted in me being below average on that. Bone density - above average. Water percentage - spot on.

And on it went - there were 10 different measurements and the ONLY one that was negative was my fat percentage.

I was baffled - I wondered how this could possibly be.

I have punished my body so much it's surprising that the UN hasn't cited me for human rights violations.

The gym instructor told me that I must be genetically predisposed to being healthy - that no matter what I do my body will find a way to fix it, sort it out or go round it. I'm adopted (and totally fine with it) so have no idea what my birth parents physiology is like but apparently they are made of some pretty tough stuff.

So - body of mine - your pretty damn awesome it seems. You have continued to be a friend and protector to me no matter what harm I throw it you or how badly I treated you.

I may not love the outside yet but I am pretty impressed with the inside.

And I am truly sorry for what I have done to you - you deserve better and you will get it.

You're awesome - and I am really starting to like ya.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REALLYHOPIN 12/13/2010 8:27PM

    I like what I'm reading...

~ Barbara

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DUTCHPETE641 12/13/2010 8:41AM

    Way to go mate!
You must be relieved that you haven't done your body more damage than that.


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2WHEELEDSHARON 12/12/2010 11:28PM

    You did it! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Insert major high five here!!

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Day 6 - The shot that was heard around the world - well my bathroom anyways:)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

As I looked over Bert was cuddled up to me, sleeping quite soundly, his snores of contentment rattling in my ear as he dreamt of chocolate thickshakes and thick cut deep fried chips with good old Aussie tomato sauce and lots of salt. Bliss.

I snuck out of bed and decided that, being my birthday (Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me - singalong if you like LOL) I would do my first weigh in 1 day earlier than I should.

2.4 kilos/5.3 pounds lost in 6 days - WOOHOO - and I did it sensibly and not by starving myself! I looked down at the scales and thought to myself "Right its on - the warmup is finished and the marathon to lose 46 kilos has now officially started". I raised my hand up in the air and pretended to fire a starters pistol - *BANG*.

Bert (the 50 kilo blanket of fat I have dragged through life) woke up with a jolt, rubbed his eyes open with his chubby little fists and glared at me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
BERT: – “What are you doing? I was asleep man!”

ME: “Yes I know – those snores could peel paint of the wall! – Just did my weigh in – 2.4 kilos – cool huh?”

BERT: “Hmmm – well thats great. Geez – you usually only last a few days and been almost a week – every other time you have tried in the last few years its been 2 or 3 days max....”

ME:" I know – but I feel really motivated to keep going. Don't forget we have the gym assessment at 10 to get going on strength training.”

BERT: “Awesome.... although...ummm....”

ME: “What? Whats that about?”

BERT: “Well just about every other time you have tried its ended up in disappointment – I care about ya buddy – I don't want you end up feeling down when – errr I mean IF” (rolls his eyes) “you fail this time. You know how depressed you get....its' your birthday – we should have a treat – you KNOW how much you love a good fry up for breakfast – just this once – its a treat... come on. Those nice soft fried eggs, lots of crunchy salty bacon – mmmm – I can taste it already”

ME: “Not happening – have to get my cardio done and then its muesli, banana and toast. Although I think I can slip in some peanut better as a bit of a treat for you – sound good?” (I must admit I had a bit of a smirk at that one)

BERT: “Hmmphhhh – WHATEVER! – wake me up when you have come to your senses.”

Don't hold your breath Berty boy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am looking forward to the next 12 months (something I have not done for many, many years).

I am looking forward to a lot of things changing – big and small – here's a few of them:

-Seeing my reflection in a window at the shopping centre and starting to like instead of hate what I see

- Looking at a fold up chair that has been offered for me to sit in and knowing it will NOT collapse when I sit in it

- Choosing laceups instead of slip ons because tieing my laces is too much effort some days

- Getting out of the car and not grunting to push myself up

- Walking into a clothes store and being able to choose what I want instead of just taking whatever random item they MIGHT have that I can fit into

- Looking in the mirror after I put on a t-shirt and not scowling at the man boobs that lump out from my chest

- Actually wanting to see people and be able to focus on them instead of how clumsy and lumpy I must look to them

- NOT having to pay stupid amounts to fly business class because the coach seats are just too small for me

- Biking around the neighbourhood with the Ipod and just .. enjoying ... being

- Having that nagging, failure voice start to get quieter and smaller as I reach each goal

- Finally getting to go tandem skydiving – I did this for my 40th when I could JUST get under the weight limit (100 kilos) and its on the list for the 50th. Falling through a cloud is a amazing!

- Allowing myself to feel happy every now and then without immediately bringing myself down about my weight

- Reconnecting with friends I have lost because I couldn't stand the thought of how uncomfortable I feel around them with this body of mine

- Being in the front of the photo instead hiding behind everyone at the back

- Believing that there is a future and allowing myself to dream about what I want to accomplish - I haven't dreamed about doing anything for sooo long - it will take some practice just to get to that headspace :)

The next year will be full of obstacles and hurdles – I won't kid myself – but with my new found sense of purpose, my new found Sparkfriends who I know will be there every step of the way and Bert being served his eviction notice for November 2011 (yes – he just gave me another eye roll :) – I absolutely know I can do this.

Bring it on – 50 AND FIT!

Have a great Sparkday everyone – I know I will

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKPARTYGIRL 12/12/2010 9:38AM

    Happy birthday. Hope you had a healthy and great day. Congratulations on your first week with sparkpeople. Keep up the positive attitude, it goes a long way to help reach goals.

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JHADZHIA 12/12/2010 12:26AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Wonderful blog!! That was nasty that introduction of those shakes and fries, although I couldn't get too hungry over them as I was rightly stuffed with turkey and all the trimmings LOL.
Well done with your weight loss!! Your are off to a flying start!!
I read with interest some of your concerns as they mirrored my own when I started on my long journey of weight loss. The only thing being different is I went from Dolly Parton size boobs down to trainer bra LOL NOT a good thing for a female LOL!!! But no longer feeling those bra straps digging in my shoulders was a very good thing!!
With my RA, it took a very long time to lose my 78 lbs, two years to be precise. Everything is slow for me, from healing my broken arm (since Feb 1st, its still there, but will know for sure on the X Rays taken before my elbow replacement surgery in January. Even though I have worked through a lot of pain, injuries and other assorted set backs, I want you to know you will find it very uplifting to adopt and live this healthy lifestyle. There is no other high on Earth like it!! Except maybe jumping from a perfectly good airplane!!
Keep up the great work!!
Enjoy your Sunday!!

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REALLYHOPIN 12/12/2010 12:01AM

    Happy Birthday!!!!


Great blog... I have a real good feeling that you CAN do this too! Keep on 'Sparkin' and you can't fail. There may be hills and valleys along the way, but that's normal. Remember, this is a long-term solution, a lifestyle change.

Enjoy your YEAR!!!


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Day 5 - I can still shake it at 49!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I am just gobsmacked.

I woke up this morning looking forward to doing my cardio - what the?

Its been a long long LONG time since I have just listened to music for the plain old fun and buzz it gives me.

Having found a whole pile of songs that just make me feel good and loaded them onto my ipod I am looking forward to getting on the treadmill and having my own little party!

And yes I'll admit many of them are poppy frothy tunes but geez they put a mile on my face:)

My playlist for this morning:

Safety Dance (Artie's version from Glee)
In my arms - Kylie Minogue
Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand - if you haven't heard it and like some upbeat music to cardio along to check it out on Youtube( I have a downloader if you want one. )
Kesha - Ticktok
They call me heartbreaker - Taoi Cruz
Californoa Gurls - Katie Perry
The Key, The Secret - Urban Cookie Collective
Forget You - Cee Lo Green (well actually its the OTHER version I listen to:)

Makes it to 30 minutes nicely and leaves me with a buzz.

If these sound like your sort of songs and you want some other suggestions or want to share yours with me send me an email.

Right - I am off to party on the treadmill - Bert is sitting on the couch looking a tad peeved:)

Have a great day one and all.

P.S. And i you wnat to be inspired for the rest of the day - http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_j

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 12/11/2010 7:38AM

    I always love working out to music. No fancy electronics and downloads here (too slow a connection), I listen to my TV's digital cable, the party music or the 70's tunes.. Safety Dance is the only one I recognize of your list LOL. I have always preferred the original tunes by the original artists myself..
David, I couldn't get a link with that address.
May I make a suggestion. Please go to your activity feed on your page and delete all the extra feeds that came up (Sparks unfortunately does this fairly often). As a person with a slow connection and large friend's list, loading up extra pages because of duplicated posts is a big pain..
Thank you,
Enjoy your day!!

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TENNISJIM 12/11/2010 7:06AM

    Cool. Sounds like (no pun intended) like a great plan of action.

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REALLYHOPIN 12/11/2010 6:23AM

    Bertha's kinda peeved at me too... but that is SO much better than ME being mad at myself...

lol... the psychologist can have a field day with this one...

>Keep up the great work David... You are doing FANTASTIC!

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Day 4 - its all in your head... and your heart

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I am really starting to find that blogging and sharing is starting to bring to the front of my mind all of the things that have been hanging in the background their turn to be recognised.

For example yesterday I came to realise how much my procrastinative (word?) approach has damaged me - in the end its made me less active and more able to pick up that delicious, fatty alternative that will keep me distracted and full until I have my next thing I need to procrastinate about.

The emotional workout is as important - and I am starting to think MORE important - than the physical one. Measuring a number of minutes exercised or calories gives you a real sense of purpose and feeling of achievement but that little fat kid being bullied and beaten is still in there scarred and alone and scared of getting close to anyone.

Its been over 30 years and I can still remember the day that Jack Maguire - the cool kid in class who everyone wanted to hang around with - came up to me and chatted to me. I was stunned - he had never even acknowledged me in a positive way- it felt so good for someone this cool to be talking to me - I was so excited and thought maybe this would be the end of the daily abuse yelled across the hall and abuse from him and his group - maybe he was mending his ways - finally!

What I didn't know was that Jack was distracting me so that Jamie Andrews could take a running start behind me - he ran jumped and landed the full force of a body punch on my back that sent me to the ground and left me gasping for air - physically and emotionally.

Its a memory I carry with me from that day until now - I don't why really because I was obese from the age of 7 - so why that one - why do I carry it with me everywhere I journey.

After years of being abused at school about my weight maybe that was the last straw - maybe that was the day my heart finally closed the doors and said no more. Was that the day when I couldn't find a single positive thing to keep me going and I decided that I hated myself, my body and who I was - that there was nothing about me that could ever outshine the blobby fat unloveable lump that I was.

Then again my brother in law telling me in front of the whole family at dinner when I was 14 that my boobs were bigger than my sisters has hung around as well. For him it was an off the cuff funny comment - for me it was a dagger into my heart.

The more I think back the more I realise that there is layer upon layer of hurt and humiliation that has built a huge wall I am trapped behind - a fortress where no one can get in and I can't get out.

Pretty harsh words but it feels like its the honest truth.

Therapists and alternative medicinists (now I KNOW that's not a word - oh hang on) - practitioners - I have spoken to made me understand that the core of our emotions is around our core of our body near our stomach. The reasons I cram myself so full of food - to the point where I can hardly breathe - is to push down that emotional energy. Sure it all tastes really good but the effect it has is to render my emotions comatose - I don't have to feel depressed or alone or sad or self loathing when I have big gut full of KFC.

Don't get me wrong - this is not about me feeling depressed or down right now - this is about the light slowly coming on about what I have to do to heal myself not just physically but emotionally.

Usually this stuff stays well and truly buried unless I am very drunk or very very depressed.

To bring it out in the cold sober light of day is confronting and pretty uncomfortable - as I write this I can feel myself already giving 16 year old Dave his bus ticket to send him back to that schoolyard so we don't have to deal with this.

How awful to be so young and be growing up in a world that shuns you, taunts you and beats you up because of how you look - which has nothing to do with the way you feel or who you are. That kid is going to need a LOT of love and support - many days I feel like I have never really emotionally matured because I just shut that part of me down from my early years.

As a man writing this kind of stuff is hard - we're told to man up, don't cry, don't complain, be the strong one, bury your emotions - with no validation and no way to be able to express all the emotions we feel I wonder if that is where some men (and women) turn to violence and self destruction as their outlet.

Some of us fight, some of us become workaholics, some of us become alcoholics or become addicted to exercise - and some of us eat until we can no longer feel.

So where to from here.... time to start looking at how to heal the person inside as well as the person on the outside. I have done a little NLP (neuro linguistic programming) which seemed to work well so I might add that to my list of things to start looking at.

Until you love yourself you can not really be available for others to love you - loving myself is going to take some time - but I am open to the possibility:)

Give yourself a hug - you could really do with one.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEAN111766 12/9/2010 10:07PM

    Hey dude, childhood sucked for many of us "overweight, chubby" kids... I have horrible memories of 7th grade and coming home everyday from school crying... and I could go on with many more. Let's put that past behind us forever!!! We cannot change what was, we can only change who we are today and how we are going to start our tomorrow... you are definitely on the right track by getting your thoughts out in the open... now it is time to look forward... not backward.
Stay strong and stay focused... stay positive... you will reach your goal!!! I know I will!!! emoticon

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REALLYHOPIN 12/9/2010 6:03PM

    there's just so much I could type here...

I think though, I'm going to try to be brief...

When you do a self-inventory of the man that you are TODAY, I think you are going to find a man that is completely worthy of being loved.

You already know this though, because you are here, making a positive difference in your life and the others that you reach out to...

Do that self inventory...

Be good to yourself.


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