But in a good way - my therpaist has clearly weaved her magic on opening me up emotionally and hardly a day goes when I am not either in tears and at least choked up and close.
Because I am SO happy with what is happening to me each and every day. EVERY day I find some new little thing I can do again and it just sometimes overwhelms me.
When I think about how battered my poor old body has been over time with 35 years of smoking, borderline alcoholism for 15 years, eating fat ridden, starchy, sugary junk food for nearly 45 years I am in AWE of how quickly it can rally back and start to feel good again.
It truly IS a miracle and I am SO grateful and thankful that my amazing body has stuck around so that I can finally show it some love and care.
Honour your body and do what is right for it. It has been your companion and best friend for your whole life, even whle your mind has been telling you to overburden it with bad food and bad habits for so long.
Its the only one you get.
P.S. Today's daily miracle? I went to lace up my shoes and for the first time in a LONG time I can swing my foot onto my knee and stretch far enough to make bow right in the centre of my shoe WITHOUT having to grunt and gasp while I do it. AWESOME!
Today was a rest day for us before we start again tomorrow with Boot Camp at 8:30 a.m. - more pain :) and I can smile about it!
That being said I still beat the pavement at a fast walk for 45 minutes as the sun was rising over the ocean and then a wonderful swim in the warm water before lunch... and I even took a walk down the beach with my shirt OFF! Wonders will never cease, or maybe I am starting to learn that no one really cares how I look.
Daily miracles happen all the time - we have to see them and celebrate them.
I have NEVER in my life taken a walk on a beach with my shirt off - thats a miracle.
I have NEVER in my life done 4 hours of cardio a day and finished up tired but feeling amazed at how much the body can spring back when the mind is there to join it. Thats a miracle.
I can't touch my toes yet but I am only an inch or two away instead of a foot - thats a daily miracle.
Celebrate every small but remarkable step. As we eat right and exercise so many little things become more possible. See them and celebrate them.
I woke up yesterday feeling angry and over it - Day 4 of Fat Camp and I was pissed at every one and probably also feeling the affects of a few days with out ciggies.
Did our 45 minute high intensity walk at 7:00 a.m., had breakfast and then met at 8:30 for our challenge - I was NOT in the mood so when we were told 7 of us had to complete the following in 90 minutes - not EACH but as a group e.g. around 110 push ups each on average:
800 step ups
800 sit ups
30 circuits of the park - walk or run
plus a few other things
SO when I heard that I just about lost it and decided to start on situps first and get some out of the way. The harder I worked the more upset I was getting so when I starting to do my walk around the park circuits I had tears and sweat streaming down my face and the harder I pushed the harder I was crying.
I guess 4 hours a day of exercising as taking its toll and emotionally I was hitting the wall - my "inner" just wanted to be at home on the couch and doing ANYTHING but this!
I stopped and had the rest of the day off apart from some stretching and tai chi and woke up this morning much better but still a LITTLE tense and was hoping it would disappear, which it did by the end of our morning walk.
After that we had boxing at the beach and then had to stand in a tidal pool up to our waists and box and balance with partners and THEN had to do 20 lunges, walk through the tidal pool to the other side, do 19 star jumps, walk back through the waist high water, 18 lunges, walk back ...you get the idea!
Morning tea and then a modified game of basket ball. About 3/4 of the way through I had to stop to puke...I didn't quite have to but got close BUT was really proud of myself for pushing through to the end.
Almost 1/4 of the way through and just starting to really enjoy it!
P.S. I am trying to get around and read my awesome Sparkfriends blogs but time is kind of tight until our free day on Sunday:)
Beginning of day 3 and yesterday was 4 hours of cardio - walking, boxing, treadmill, deep water running (in a pool with a floatie around your waster and doing sprinting, running and a million other things I never thought you could do in a pool!).
Have woken up and am not sore at all. A small blister here and there but overall kinda good.
The food has been great and we're on a 12-1400 calorie a day range.
The hardest thing? Forcing yourself to take 20 minutes to eat a meal. In our group of 10 someone has been nomintaed as timekeeper and the first meals were tough BUT you do end up feeling comfortably satisfied at the end of what for me would be a snack in the old days.
Jeez I could snort down a pizza in 12 minutes - I know that becauyse often I would look at the clock when I finished a home delivered pizza and think OMG the guy only delivered a few minutes ago!!!!
We had a seminar yesterday arvo and one of the iinteresting ones was why we plateau when we are losing weight.
Our bodies were originally built to reduce our metabolism when food was scarcce. As you reduce your calorie intake your body slows your metabolsim occassionally just to maakse sure that a famine is not coming. Eventually it kick starts again when it realises things are OK, and thats why we plateau. "Starving" ourselves to get off a plateu just ends up working against us it seems:)
Hope all my spark friends are doing well.
And this morning? 45 minutes beach walk, an hour of fitness loop and then a spin class with a few small breaks in between. Sounds hard right now but I know it will gte eaasier.
You know - those late teens and twenties who have unlined skin and perfect bodies and whiter than white teeth that swagger down the street with their Ipods pumping out Pitbull (my favourite at the moment but probably not that young lol) and more likely pumping Miss PJ and Dum Diddy.
How DARE they take their perfectly shaped butts and lithe lean bodies for granted - grrrr!
Yes I am grieving in a pouty lipped way (grumpy 50 year old way not sexy Abecrombie & Fitch sexy male model way :D) about not being 21 and gorgeous - I am sure we all go through it.
I arrived at the place I did the 21 day water fast at 12 or so years ago yesterday. As I walked in both me and my inner (that guy who has been protecting me so much he protected me into being 140 kilos - long story) both went "Ohhh - this is feeling like Great Aunt Matilda's Lounge Room"
A place like this and water fasting means you spend a lot of time away from people - they have GREAT organic vegetarian meals and meal times are where you meet people....but I wasn't eating food so it meant 21 days of solace in great aunts house.
After spending 2 weeks with family and friends I realised that I had been ACHINGLY missing human contact after 9 months of being alone and the thought of just sitting for 21 days waiting for the cleanse to do its thing felt too static, too inactive, almost like I was just handing over the reins to my body and turning into a vegetable. And the rooms are bland white walled no artwork bland - why would I pay for THAT?
Within hours of checking in I started to research alternatives and found what is almost a Biggest Loser thing. 4 weeks (or longer) of great food, lots of exercise and a group personal trainer.
Let me say I KNOW I am very lucky to be able to just go and do this - so many people struggle to just live and feed and educate their kids and battle their weight so I KNOW I am fortunate to be able to finally (after 35 years) make some major changes... I feel very lucky...
After I lose 60 kilos I will be investing in plastic surgery to make me look creepily 21 so I can swagger down the street with my Ipod and cleverly concealed walker lol.
Well maybe not - but I plan to feel SEXY at the end of this!